Prayer for Courage

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iamtrying

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I need some prayers from you. Get ready, I am going to go emotionally berserk on you.

23 year old guy who came to the US from India in 2008. I love airplanes since I was a kid flying paper airplanes & the Indian educational system endowed mathematical genius in me. Add to that fact, that I went to a challenging high school, my work ethic is pretty strong & I strive to make the best effort I can, to do well in school & learn more about my interests. I have received multiple scholarships & I have received various accolades. I am kinda good at my job as a student & I am proud of supporting myself since 18 (kids are completely dependent on their families in India). I have made over a 100% return on my stocks & I am planning to pay off my loans that way soon. I am doing my masters & I am hoping to continue doing good work, go to conferences & publish papers. Probably get a PhD or a sweet job soon. All great, right?

I am addicted to porn despite the fact that I have a great spiritual director who keeps telling me to appreciate what I have & to take it 1 day at a time & let go off the guilt trip.

I have had no luck with girls. The first ‘girlfriend’ was a friend who asked me if I liked her. When I said yes, she just wanted to ‘confirm the vibes she was getting from me & just wanted to clear the air’ & stay friends. I played along & desperately kept trying to impress her. At one point, she said yes, & we were in a relationship & I was on cloud 9. That lasted barely a month & she went back to her ex bf who dumped her again. Today, he is a ‘big jerk’ & she is in a relationship with some one else & things are going great for her. Good for her & I hope her well.
Now, that was 8 years ago. So, it’s been a while & I was a kid then. I met some one 3 years ago. Since the beginning we had a great chemistry. We got each other, understood each other. She called me almost every freaking night & shared every thing I could think of. She even said at one point, that I am as good as it gets & she told her friend that I could make a great dad. Last year, I asked her out & she went all berserk on me. She said she strongly believes that a guy & a girl can be friends & that I ended up as just another guy who is friends with her, but eventually falls for her. She was disappointed with me & she is on a mission to show the world that a guy & a girl can be just friends. She believes that the right guy will come & she will know it right away, the first time they meet & see each other. What if the guy is facing the other way? I guess, having a good haircut is important.
I am no Channig Tatum. 5’4", 145 lb, god gifted brown skin, & a sense of humor. People I worked with had a shirt with my sayings on it. Chocolate bear, they call me. Oh, I love working on my motorcycle, too 🙂 But, I can’t seem to keep a girl interested for too long. I am shy & it seems like I just don’t make the cut for most of the girls I meet. What is going on? I am sure my masturbation has an effect. But, I feel that this constant rejection is further fueling my desire for personal gratification. I don’t want to give up on marriage, but it seems like I might as well start thinking of priesthood & preparing myself for it. I firmly believe that I have to do the work to stay happy & make the life what it needs to be.
I sure am still reading books & papers, but intellectual curiosity seems to have decided to leave me alone. Just like the women. 😦
Started reading Lumen Fidei. The first three hours were great. I enjoyed what I read. I tweeted what struck out. But, since then, I have not gone back to it. I feel that the Holy Spirit is not working in me, even though I yearn for it. During the beginning of year, I have spent hours at the chapel for daily mass, reading The Magnificat year of faith supplement & meditating upon it. Last semester, I made an effort to start my day off by going to the chapel & spending time with Lord & doing what Matthew Kelly started off doing: sharing things that need to be done today, plans, aspirations, pains etc. Why can’t I seem to catch a break? I am spending more time alone now. How many 23 year olds are out there to hang out anyways. Most are in a relationship, or married, or are getting drunk & high…higher than the Empire State…& listening to trashy music, like the one I just alluded to
I am a single kid. Parents are on the other side of the globe. I am an indian kid (yeah, the dot kind) in a redneck capital. Sure, my academics are going great. Sure, I am finding ways to get more involved in research. But, it is almost a defense mechanism. My interest has tanked. Why? I just can’t seem to get it. When I actually get a project done, I am ecstatic. But those moments, this year, have been few & far in between. So many pretty girls out there, but, they don’t even want to make an eye contact. They think I am just like the other Indian guys who are too desperate, believe that american woman are just as easy as (amercian) pie, & are just straight up perverted. Nope! I am a league apart from them. I had a reverse culture shock once I started masters. I seem to be more at place with the guys who grow up here than my fellow Indians… I have more american friends than Indian friends & I am going to keep it that way.
i enjoyed running. I could run over 3 miles at 5000 ft altitude. Here, at sea level, I don’t even feel like running. Stupid humidity is to be blamed, I am sure 🙂
I have been a single child all my life. Sure, I lived with my neighbor’s kids all my life, but today, when I am surrounded by Catholics who have siblings & are close knit family, I feel singled out. I want a family. I am in no way financially ready to support a woman, but, I gotta start somewhere, right?
 
cont’d.

I thank God everyday for my wonderful parents who actually are pretty amazing. That is one thing I feel that God has given me that I appreciate more than anything else. That Russell Peters hit the nail when he described who He made Indians. Oh, let’s put them on the hottest part (hyperbole) of the earth, make them dark, & just to have some fun, put hair all over them. Thank God for Philips Norelco!!
Sure, I make the best of situation & work hard, but my parents seem to care enough of me to give me some advice. But, the distance is too much some time. I have been lucky enough to be close to a Catholic family over these years with 5 kids & amazing parents. So, I shouldn’t be complaining.
But, I feel that women I fall for are from Jamaica, because Ja-making-me crazy!"
All right, can some smart sages, please give some advice. Sure, add humor to it, but please have some substance to it, too. I am trying to take too much control…the classic trait of an engineer?
 
No woman wants a man addicted to porn. Maybe you should make that your first priority to
kick that habit.

Mary.
 
I pray that you may find peace, comfort and consolation. God is great and awesome and He is A God of wonders. Keep the faith.
 
WHoa why don’t you tell us how you really feel!!! Jk You said to keep the humor right?

Alright as far as masturbation here is a great piece from C.S. Lewis

Masturbation
“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.
"And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman.
"For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival.
"Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.
"In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself. . . . After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”
  • Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson (found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3)
I think you made a good reference about yourself as far as being an engineer. You’re highly intelligent and in your field usually overly analytical. I think,from my own experience, this can allow us to think ourselves down too much by trying to figure everything out. This is why letting go is so crucial in life. From my own experience some the best times in life is when you don’t prejudge,premeditate or anticipate a person, a place or an event into being what you what it to be just take things as they come and as they are. I know this can be easier said then done but there’s some truth to it. As God comes into the picture that’s were Faith can help. If we truly cast our cares onto him. Trust in him.Don’t lean on our own understanding and let his plan unfold it can take tremendous pressure off of us. I have my struggles but intellectually can understand the truth behind his word. So I think it comes down to truly giving our heart and mind to him. Hope this helps. And don’t forget you’re only 23. So don’t overly try with women to get them to like you that usually doesn’t work.

Lastly I will say a prayer for you

God Bless
 
yes, God bless you my friend!!! Don’t fall into despair, keep getting up and trust in His grace and mercy!!! We are all praying for you 🙂
 
Go to confession and resolve to look at porn no more before Jesus in his Sacrament of Reconciliation. Use of porn exploits the people that make it because your patronage encourages them to make more, causing them to face the risks of the industry yet again. It could lead to someone getting AIDS or having an abortion for instance.

Blessed are the pure or clean of heart, for they shall see God.
 
Just went to confession today, again.
Thanks for the reply, Roark. That surely helps.

I realize what you said, Mary. I am trying 🙂 But, when it is an habit that came into my life when I was 10 and was caused by my older cousin (a girl), it is hard to get rid of it and harder to be patient.
 
iamtrying said:
Just went to confession today, again.
Thanks for the reply, Roark. That surely helps.

I realize what you said, Mary. I am trying 🙂 But, when it is an habit that came into my life when I was 10 and was caused by my older cousin (a girl), it is hard to get rid of it and harder to be patient.
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Iamtrying,
I owe you an apology; I realize my post came off as crisp and uncaring and I am sorry for that. We have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God myself included.

You have my prayers for all your intentions and struggles. May God be with you for the journey so to speak.

Peace in Christ,
Mary.
 
Lord please bless him with a pure heart, through Your grace and his determination,
so that he lives according to Your will, and becomes worthy of a good and holy marriage.
Thank You for shielding him from female relationship until he is able to find freedom of spirit in You.
 
Iamtrying, first let me say I have kids your age and only one has a girlfriend right now. Right now they’re very busy with school, part time jobs, sports or orchestra and dating is hard to fit in. Part of the reason they’re not feeling the pressure you feel to be “in a relationship” is because my husband and I didn’t marry until I was 28 and he was 33. We always told them people don’t marry until around thirty. We did this as a joke kind of thing with them when little, but it kind of stuck. I’m thinking you’re so anxious because in your immediate circle you see everyone married or in a relationship? Because let me tell you, you are very young still, very young.

I may be wrong but the relationship that lasted a month sounds like it started when you were around 15. That’s also very young.

Let me tell you that nearly all my nieces and nephews met their spouses in their late 20’s to early 30’s. I have a niece who graduated from a prestigious university, had her dream job and didn’t meet her husband till late 30’s, they only just this year had twins and are in their early 40’s. You’ve only just begun your adult life, slow down and try to work on the more pressing problem of masturbation.

This problem would be a huge stumbling block in a healthy relationship. Don’t make the mistake of thinking a girlfriend will solve the problem. I have read too many posts by folks who thought this would be solved once married. What actually happens is things get worse as the guilt it causes worsens.

You are unencumbered right now, so work on this problem. A number of people have offered advise already, I don’t have any to add except that once this is handled then you’ll be in a much better place and have a lot to offer in a relationship.

However as I said before you are very young, your whole life is still stretched out before you and you will meet someone. Just get your problem handled so that you can have a healthy and spiritual marriage.

I will include you in my evening prayers.
 
@Teese
I think you are right. There is pressure because of everyone else around me being in a relationship (even though they fail in a few months) or getting married (even though some of them are already divorced and only a lucky handful are happy).
My parents got married around the same age as you explained, but, somehow I feel a stronger sense of loneliness. It could be the lack of a physical family support or friends or just my confused state of mind. It is hard to fit in and belong. However, now, if I go back, it will only be harder trying to fit in. I am striving for the best and deepest friendships and relationships and I guess I need to be more practical and realistic about life and my expectations.
 
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