Prayer in the midst of defiance

[JLCecilia]

So DH really ticked me off - again - surprise, surprise. I know I have a problem w/ anger management and in the heat of the moment I can do some pretty childish nonsense to get vengeance.

So, this a.m., instead of sitting down in prayer like I normally do - giving God the first ‘fruits’ of my day - when I discovered that DH didn’t do what he said he would, I went off.

I know Scripture talks about ‘your Father who sees what you do in private . . .’ So I refused to pray this morning. I did say blessings over my children like I do every morning and grace before meals as usual, but I didn’t read our Lenten passage for the day like I have been, or my DMC like I normally do on the way to work.

I just think to myself ‘why does God want to hear from me, the jerk I’ve been/I’m being?’ I just feel like a fraud praying to him before I’ve had a chance to repent. I know, logically speaking, that it’s precisely when we don’t ‘feel’ like praying that we ought to - that God can sanctify it as a sacrifice.

I know I need to go to confession, I planned on it before all this anyway, but I also find it difficult to be truly sorry for something I know I will likely do again. We did have a peaceful resolve to an issue yesterday that could have been a nasty argument, but we both kept our cool. Baby steps, right?

Do any of you out there struggle with this and could you offer some insight or words of encouragement? Prayers would be good too - just for God to grant the grace to desire to keep my temper in check.

Thanks

 

[Lainey63]

Maybe if you stopped & prayed you would have calmed down at least a little. I think your thinking is kinda backwards…we need to pray and ask God for help because we are weak…and we need help to overcome our weaknesses. Remember Jesus came for the sinner, not for the righteous…he ate with publicans, tax collectors, & prostitutes. I am reminded everyday, what a jerk I am…usually within minutes after saying my prayers. Saints are only saints because they didn’t give up. We have a saying in AA…we claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection-we are not saints. And stop beating up on you, I used to go through what you are right now & just keep kicking myself over & over again…it didn’t work for me…I just got more frustrated, angry & became self-loathing. I was acting like a hamster running on the wheel…One little trick that I have sometimes it works- I picture a traffic cop w/white gloves on, a whistle in his mouth and a stop sign. He blows the whistle & the hand is up as to say Stop!..another trick I use is to give myself 15 seconds then try to shake off the anger…I hope i didn’t come across as preachy…I’m at my lunchbreak I’m kind of rushing. I hope you don’t let this ruin your whole day.