Prayer, Need help, in Despair

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J.W.B.

You keep playing ’ what if '. I think you are aware that none of these other past events make it to the level of marriage.
You have done some horrible things in the past, by your own admission. They are sins against us, and against Melissa.
She especially has to live with what you do NOW.
If you can’t be certain of your own sin, then set them aside for her sake. She isn’t guilty of what you did, you owe her something even if you feel you will answer before God because of your past.

Most of these sins were against yourself, for the sins themselves cause damage to you (forgiven, but still suffered). And you are living with some of that now. But you must, out of love, never allow these things to come against the Oath you swore before a priest with Melissa. The road out of damnation is the road to fidelity to your oath.

It isn’t the ‘I do’ as words, or heard in the ear. It’s the word of a baptized Catholic saying – ‘I AM willing to have CHILDREN with you’ carried into the sexual act (without contraception) that makes a marriage ABSOLUTELY irrevokable. The two have become one flesh in an Oath (sacramentum). Any lesser sexual act is fornication.

Keep seeing the doctors.

Hey Alan, what’s up 😃
 
J.W.B.:
Brothers and sisters, what I am to say is probaly going to sound silly, but I need to tell someone and I feel I can say my concerns here. As of now i’m in dreadful despair. I’m afraid I’m in sin against God, but I do not know what to do. In the past I have had mind problems and I have asked them on here but always said it was for my friend, but it really was for me. For quite awhile I have been worried about “what if” my wife is not my true wife in God’s eyes? I keep asking myself what is a marriage? It’s when two people make promises to one another right? But it has to be more than that because a man and a woman cannot just say to one another “I love you and I promise I will be with you until death does us apart,” and poof that makes them married, but a priest has to ask them those questions right? A man and a woman have to be close to one another and face each other and a priest has to be standing next to them and he has to ask the man “Do you ‘so and so’ take ‘so and so’ to be your wife?” And he goes through the promises that your asked to make which is basicly to stay with the woman until death does them apart, and then he asks the same to the woman, and once she says “I do” then they are married. So the priest has to play a part in the wedding otherwise a marriage does not take place.

I mean I have had girlfriends in the past and even a fiance and my attitude towards women even before I was a Catholic was that I just wanted to be with one forever. But I never married any of them, that is a priest never asked us the promises or what a priest is suppossed to ask. But I also wonder just “what if” I did marry one? But the only woman a priest ever asked me to make promises to is the woman I am with now. But then again I can’t remember every single word the priest said to us on our wedding day, so I think what if I didn’t marry her or what if I married another woman in the past but cannot remember it?

But whenever I have sex with my wife, touch her and kiss her I feel no shame before God, I will not confess sins to God and a priest for doing these acts with her since our wedding day, her last name is mine, and I have the wedding certificate. So I must be married to her right?

Please don’t laugh or make fun of me even though this does sound very ridiculous but I need help! Medicine or phycologists does not work. I just need to be sure what a true marriage is and that my wife really is my wife in God’s eyes. I love Him above all creation but every time I tell myself things like all of this my mind finds other excuses to go against anything that would comfort me. I’ll be back.
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J.W.B.,

Clearly what is happening here is you are being tempted by the devil to scruples. Scruples can have more than one cause (personal temperment, devil, etc.), but your certainly seems to be preturnatural, which means they are coming from the devil, rather from yourself.

If there is no rational reason for thinking you are not married to your wife, then you are experiencing scruples. From what you wrote, none of your reasons for fear were rational.
 
Remember God is a LOT more merciful than the Church makes Him out to be. Just remember, you are married to this woman! Take out your marriage certificate. Read verses in the Bible that tell of marriage. Pray. Or just forget about it completely, telling yourself that you are truly married to her, no questions asked! I will pray for you tonight.
 
J.W.B.,

There is some good advice in this thread.

RSiscoe hit the nail on the head. It’s spiritual persecution from none other than the devil himself.

Why do i believe that? Because i’ve dealt with spiritual persecution/torment for the past 1 yr. and 9 months of my life, (don’t ask) and it’s wicked.

Take what i say with a grain of salt, but there is spiritual persecution that happens even if you don’t realize it. I’ve come to realize it, and it has caused extreme suffering in my life…

Why does God permit it? I don’t know… But remember, Jesus said: Blessed are those who are persecuted, for great will their reward be in heaven.

Chazemataz said:
“Remember God is a LOT more merciful than the Church makes Him out to be.”

I happen to believe that as well…

Good luck.
 
I’m curious, if the devil or something else convinces a man that he is NOT married to his wife in God’s eyes and he leaves her but in Truth he really IS married to her in God’s eyes, is he sining by leaving her?
 
J.W.B.:
I’m curious, if the devil or something else convinces a man that he is NOT married to his wife in God’s eyes and he leaves her but in Truth he really IS married to her in God’s eyes, is he sining by leaving her?
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J.W.B.,

This is scruples! If there is more to the story that what you have said, send me a private e-mail. But if you have been completely up front on the boards, you have nothing to worry about.

It appears to me that it is definitely scruples. Just look at what the devil is tempting to to think: first he is tempting you to think that you marriage is not valid and so you should leave; then he is tempting you to think that if you leave it will be a sin. He is tormenting you. This is a textbook case of serious scruples. Do not pay any attention to these thoughts.

Instead, do this. First, pray that God will direct you to a good priest. Then go to confession today, tell the priest exactly what is happening and then submit to what he says. That is the advice that is always given to people with scruples: follow the advice of the priest, and do not listen to the “fears” the devil is tempting you to.

Here is something else you can do: list all the reason you think the marriage may not be valid; then list the reasons you think it is valid. Then, look at the rationality of both groups. If you would like to post them on here, others will be help you work it out.
 
Tormenting me for what purpose, to denounce God? Oh how I wish I could became a powerful warrior and power up an energy so enormous and high and just BLAST Satan into smitherines:)

Where do you get the name “Sruples” from? Is this something the Church is aware of?

Ok here it is the reasons that make me think “what if?” First of all, in the past when I didn’t ever have any relationships with women I had always desired to find a woman and have a relaionship with her, and only her (simular to a Christian marriage). Certain girls I liked growing up but never became “boy friend and girl friend,” but then again I think just “what if” I did and I married them? I’ll have imaginations of the ceramony happening and then I’ll think “what if that is not an imagination but an actual memory?” I’ll remember women I kissed or flirted with and even had sex with one but were not “boyfriend and girl friend.” And again I’ll think just what if I was and I married them.

Secondly I’ll remember women I had relationships with where we were boy friend and girl friend and even a long distance relationship over the phone with one who wanted to marry me and I think I wanted to marry her, but I never met her personaly and she stoped calling me and writting me letters and I never heard from her again. But I imagine just “what if” I did marry her over the phone or in real life and I just can not remember. Or I’ll have the imaginations again.

Thirdly women who pass by every day and are dressed like harlots or have such feminime attitudes that attracts me and I’ll imagine "Oh what if I married her, or her, or her, after all I lusted after her and had emotional feelings towards her and even had thoughts of lust toward some that were dressed like harlots and though “oh wow she’s so beautiful and I want to marry her because of that. I don’t want to marry the woman I’m engagded to but that woman instead because of her beauty.” Of course these “thoughts” are not long and they pass through my head and I am angry with myself later on for having them and they now haunt me. I’ll be back.
 
And to finish up the third reason, I would even pass by women and my hand as I’m walking would sway toward them or I will just move my hand in their direction and I will think “what if I just married her and I put a ring on her finger, after all I lusted after her beauty and moved my hand toward her.” And you know the other reasons from my earlier posts. These are the reasons and they haunt me. I asked God long ago to show me my sins, and he has. I have been so lustful I am now paying dearly for it and others are suffering because of me:(

But for the reasons I think I am married is that: 1, I feel no shame before God when I kiss her, touch her, sleep next to her, and make love to her. 2, I have the marriage certificate that states that Melissa and I were married in the Catholic Church. 3, she has my last name. And 4, I love her with all my heart and looks has NOTHING to do with it. I want to protect her, keep her safe, help her make the journey to Salvation and not fall away, she is the only woman I want to make love to, she is the only woman I want to have children with, and I desire to stay with her until death does us apart. If for some reason she would ever leave me, I will NEVER seek another woman for anthor relationship, EVER but I will remain alone with God.

I think these things but I am still bothered and say “Well what if I decieved the Church and that is the only reason why I have a marriage certificate?” And when I remember my wedding I remember my wife and I walking up the hall to leave and I glanced over in the phews to see if any “pretty” women were there and were perhaps envying my wife and then what if I married one of them that day and not Melissa.

Well thjat is it, and now I am going to see a priest today:)
 
Well, the good new is, you are only suffering from scruples and you are not married to anyone else. That is the good news. The bad new is you are really suffering from a severe case of scruples.

What are scruples? Scruples are actually a very common thing. They cause a person to see sin where there is no sin. Scruples can come from our personal temperment, or from the devil himself.

There are books you can purchase on scruples (try “Roman Catholic Books”). Many spiritual writers have written about it. A scrupulous consceice is the exact oppostie of a “lax” conscience. A lax conscience is “dull” to sin: it thinks that even its sins are not really sinful. Scuplulosity is exactly the oposite: it sees sin where there is no sin.

As I said, the good news for you is that all of your fears are scruples and nothing else. But, you do need to deal with them.

The reason the devil will temp a person to scruples is to cause them to eventually go crazy, or give up striving towards God.

Slight scruples in a new convert are actually a good sign. They are a sign of a delicate conscience that is being formed. But, if not “ckecked” these scruples can grow and become a real problem.

What you need is a good priest that can assist you. For that you should pray that God will direct you to a good priest. What I would suggest is to do a google search and try to find a canonized saint that suffered from scruples and ask them to intercede for you in finding a good priest.

Then, after finding a good priest, try very hard to follow what he says. He is able to see clearly what is happening. One of the temeptations of scrupulous persons is to not follow the advice of the priest, but rather to continue listening to the “fears” cause by scuples. Don’t fall into that. Follow what the priest tells you, and pray much.

I will also be praying for you and I’m sure many other on here will as well.
 
Did you read my other post" I am going to see a priest but which one?" Who do you think I should see, the Priest that married me or the one I like the most because out of all, I see God mostly in him, the one at St. Patricks.
 
J.W.B.:
Did you read my other post" I am going to see a priest but which one?" Who do you think I should see, the Priest that married me or the one I like the most because out of all, I see God mostly in him, the one at St. Patricks.
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Go see the priest you feel most comfortable with. In the meantime, I will see if I can find a good priest in your area.
 
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