Prayer Needed for Marriage

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JLCecilia

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For anybody who’s read any of my posts, you know that DH and I are in need of help in our marriage. I am frustrated again today b/c DH’s schedule is off - again! He slept in till 6pm yesterday, but thankfully was gracious and helpful will the kids when he did get up. I asked him as I was going to bed if he’d help me get caught up on the dishes and he said he’d do them in a while (which normally translates to ‘not gonna happen’).

Sure enough when I got up @ 1:30 for a potty break, he was still up - in fact, he’d gone to rent some movies, but he hadn’t bothered to touch the dishes. If you knew me, you’d know I’m of the mentality of ‘leisure must be justified by labor.’ Aside from this, I’m struggling with nighttime potty training w/ our 3yo b/c I don’t get up during the night to get him on the pot so he doesn’t wet the bed - DH stays up past midnight every night, but doesn’t even think about getting DS up and he’s had a horrible rash for a couple of months now b/c of it and wakes up soaked and stinking of pee (despite all of my efforts to cut off liquids HOURS before bedtime). Basically, just not getting the help I need from DH.

I am at the point where just to keep caught up on the house, I am doing dishes and laundry while the kids eat breakfast and even coming home at lunch to do chores. I am so angered and frustrated w/ DH’s unreliability that it makes me more and more want to quit my job and stay home (which I’ve desired from the start anyway). I am tired and worn out being 7 mo pregnant and getting zero help w/ the house and children. I’m sure I would be just as tired staying at home w/ the kids, but at least I could get a nap every afternoon!

I dread to think how bad things will get at home when I CAN’T come home from lunch b/c I’ll be pumping for the new baby and using all of my break time just for that. I had us signed up and ready to go to a Marriage Encounter weekend last week, but it was cancelled. Dear God, where are you in all of this? I feel like I’m running mad in every direction and I want some professional counceling and we just don’t have the means to do it, let alone the fact that our schedules don’t sinc up and it’s hard to get child care for our little ones in order for us to get away.

I have bought a couple of CD sets (one on marriage, one on depression) and neither one of them is speaking to me in any way which just frustrates me. DH just will not give me the time of day to talk about anything and we can’t come to an agreement on anything. I don’t laugh or even smile and every day is just gray, I do not feel the joy of the Lord in my life right now and cannot even muster to teach my children about Him or discipline and be the kind of mommy I want to be.

God, help me!
 
*I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. I wouldn’t come home from work on your lunch hour to clean. No. I’d stop that immediately. I think that you have a lot going on, you’re only one person. Your husband’s schedule is also a problem, but it is what it is. Is there a way to be able to take off for at least a year or so, be a SAHM for a while? If money is the issue, you could watch kids for people who know and trust you, and that would keep you at home for a while. I also would not do as much. You can’t keep burning the candles at both ends. Your husband says he is tired, you’re tired, too. I’d have a heart to heart, and see if staying home once the baby is born, is feasible. I would discuss that you really can’t keep going on and on like this, that you need a break …either with the housework or with working outside the house. I would not raise your voice, but I’d be emphatic that SOMETHING has to give. Either you stay home and you guys make it work, or he needs to really help out.

I’m praying for you both! *
 
Is your 3 yo your oldest? Did you know that boys, and some girls, are often not trained at night until 5? There is no reason to put him in underwear at night if there are hygiene problems, and a 3 yo should be way past the time for rashes. Put him in a pull up and wait for his bladder to mature.
 
Angels_Unaware said:
Is your 3 yo your oldest? Did you know that boys, and some girls, are often not trained at night until 5? There is no reason to put him in underwear at night if there are hygiene problems, and a 3 yo should be way past the time for rashes. Put him in a pull up and wait for his bladder to mature.
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*I agree…my son wasn’t trained fully until 4 nearly 5…shhh, he doesn’t like when I tell people that. He is now 16. Know that your child most likely, won’t be heading to 1st grade, not being potty trained. I think we give ourselves these ‘ideals’ but really, just go with the pace your son is learning. Good point, Angels. *
 
I really feel for you. I have 3 little ones and I remeber with my 3 rd pregnancy toward the end I was feeling very overwhelmed with chores that never ended and my husband was traveling a lot for work at that time. Is it at all possible for you to stop working and be a stay at home mom for a couple of years? If that is not an option then maybe you could get a cleaning lady or a service to come to your home once a week.I know it’s can be an added cost to a tight budget but maybe just for a few months while you are in the ending and most exhausting months of your pregnancy.
 
I will most definitely same a prayer for you and your husband. Have you or he seen the movie Fireproof? I don’t think I’ve read any of your posts before, but I know these things are really hard. You should ask St Monica to pray for you. Or you can look through a list of Patron Saints of difficult marriages and find the one that fits you best. Ask that Saint to pray for you and you husband.

saints.sqpn.com/saint-monica/
saints.sqpn.com/patrons-of-difficult-marriages/
 
Put in action little things that will make life easier.

Pull-up’s or diaper at night until your son is fully trained.

Paper plates and plastic forks for dishes - throw them away instead of washing dishes.

Spend one Saturday fixing and freezing meals in advance - saves time and headaches for cooking.

Use your crock pot for one dish meals cooked while you are at work!

Pray with your husband, every day - move that to item #1!!
 
Your husband needs to realize that there responsibilites in marriage and having children. Sleeping in till 6pm?! Is he severely depressed?! Or did he just stay up last night watching videos?

I haven’t been following your posts…so I’m sorry.
 
Well, I got just the answer I wanted from my sitter this afternoon: she will not be taking the baby this winter. Her knees are becoming increasingly worse and she is using her walker nearly all the time. She said she was sad not to b/c she loves babies, but she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to properly care for him in her condition.

This is just the shove I need behind my plea to stay at home. Not sure how this will pan out as DH is not inclined to discuss ANYTHING of importance. Just some thoughts rolling around in my head - I have a friend in TX who says she only watches a couple of kids part time. I could see this being a possibility if only for a year.

Just not looking forward to DH blowing up at me. I can tell you already that this is going to lead to a huge fight . . .but: I am not prepared to call around town like crazy trying to find someone or someplace who will take all 3; I am not prepared to get all 3 ready in the morning by myself AND make 2 stops for drop-offs in the mornings AND pick-ups in the afternoon. DH may promise to help out more, but after 4 years of this nonsense, I do not trust his word any farther than I can throw him and I’m simply not willing to take a chance on him turning things around. Besides that, it just doesn’t make sense financially for me to give away OVER HALF of my income.

God, what are your plans here?
 
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. At one time I was working full time, in school part time, has 2 under 2 and was pregnant again! I feel your pain…let me tell you some things that worked for us:

if money allows it–paper plates. I didnt buy cups or silverware they were easy to eash and expensive.

i posted index cards around the house as reminders. I still use them today ( above the sink–if you see dishes, please wash them ) in the bathroom–( 1. wipe up your mess 2. put laundry in hamper 3. close shower curatin 4. close seat. ) etc etc. I explained to my husband that it was just friendly reminders. and you know what?? it wokred! it took a little while but now it is second nature and hubby does them almost without being asked.

I also posted some for my little ones. instead of words, I used pictures. Like posting a picture of a toy box and toys, then when they were done playing I would say what does our chart say to do. Eventually once hey learned wht the pic meant I just lamintated it and taped it to the bedroom door ( at eye level, so they knew to do it before they left the room. ) Eventually I had them trained to also clear their own dishes and pick up their space at the table.

I got a little tykes table at a garage sale. I served my children meals on that instead. it was easier to clean. My husbands sched. was off too and so wasn’t joining us for dinner. why make a big mess!? I just pulled a chair up next to them.

laundry is done every day except sunday. even if it is just a small load. it cuts down on laundry for me and we stay un backed up…

I labeled BOXES next to the washer and dryer ( in basement ) …as soon as laundry comes out it gets folded and placed in appropriate box. it saved TONS and TONS of time. plus folding while warm stopped wrinkles.

I bought all white undies and all white socks for all children and self and hubby ( once son was potty training ) so I could throw them in appropriate box instead of sorting and putting togther, also saved time with bleaching. I could bleach all socks and undies at same time.

put your son in a trainer, my son is 4 and still usesa trainer, it saves a huge hassle. however, if your son refuses to wear a trainer or u cant afford it…i tried this…put down a water proof pad on bed ( u can find them in baby section…they are for cribs ) then put down about 3 different blankets over it. When child has accident u simply strip top blanket off ( water proof pad inbetween all levels of blankets ) it should last about 2 to 3 days this way. It worked for us until money got better, then we just put our little one in a pull up.

and lastly, a CROCK POT will be your best friend. I cook a couple meals on the weekend and freeze them. then during week day I use the crock pot. cook a huge batch of tomato sauce and place in smaller containers. you can thaw one when time is tight and have a homemade pasta and tom. sauce. Some quick meals we still use are…amer. chop suey, anythign in the crock pot, pasta, sausage and rice…very simple…breakfast sausage pattys in crock pot with a can of apple pie filling add salt pepper to taste and sprinkle cinnimin. serve over rice. YUMMO!

remebr you are super busy, u have to allow your self some room to error. ur house might not be perfect or the cleaniest on the block, but being happy is more important. this is temporary, it will get easier I promise!

pray w ur husband and ask for gods grace!
GL!
 
Thank you all for the suggestions. Yes, I have uncovered the blessings of fix n’ freeze cooking, yes, we use disposable dishes at least for breakfast. Thanks for the idea of layering DS’s bed, had not thought of just putting all the piddle-pads and sheets on at once and just stripping them off as needed. Put him in a diaper for the first time last night.

DH has so far been gracious in his tone about the sitter situation. I did call one today (she just happens to be 3 houses down from us), but no openings. I have called the referral resource center and they faxed me a list of all local daycare providers. I actually found several who had openings for all 3, but still totally petrified of all of us having to adjust to a new person and not sure yet what the cost would be. As it is, our current sitter charges the lowest rate in town (that I know of). And many of the providers are outside of city limits - UGH!

I am truly considering becoming a registered care provider myself, but I’m not kidding myself about what a gamble and a commitment it would be. Who knows the future but God. I try to buck myself up and say that I could just do this for a year and maybe DH will get himself straightened out and be able to make money where I could just be home w/ my kids. Or hey, maybe my employer will work something out for me to be able to work from home some! God, show me the way!
 
I think that you staying home makes the most sense. Your DH should have to just deal with it and maybe even get a second job to make ends meet. It is worth it for you to stay home. I’ve been in this situation (4 children under the age of 8) and thank God, I was able to stay home. Occasionally I babysat for other people, I gave piano lessons, I worked at nights on janitor jobs, but we survived with one of us staying with the kids most of the time. We had to cut back on expenses but it was fine.
Do what you need to do to feel good again.
 
I didn’t read your other posts, so take this with a grain of salt. Perhaps you can encourage him to be a man in the way you approach problems like this. Men are usually problem solvers at heart. Present issues to him as a problem and look to/work with him for a solution. Even if he comes up with some that fail, hopefully he will see himself working harder as part of the solution. People will work harder to make their own ideas succeed than implementing someone else’s. Meanwhile you are enpowering him and making him feel more like a man. Try to make him feel like a leader, the head of the family, responsible for what happens… The more he feels like that, the more his behavior will follow.

In this way, you are truelly loving your husband…(and getting what you need too).

Christ be with you,
Cymonk
 
Can I ask a question that is going to sound rude, but that I mean in all sincerity? Why would a woman, after seeing for several years that her husband does not help with the kids, or around the house, whose word she can’t trust, and who seems to struggle with supporting his family, consent to keep having more children with that man, adding to the workload, chaos, and frustration?

You can put this all on him, but you have participated in making this life the way it is. Perhaps you can see what different choices on your part would make things more teneble in the future.
 
JLCecilia - wow I didn’t know I had a twin. 🙂 Reading your posts I felt like I was reading much about my own circumstances. I am a FT WOHM with three children ages 6, almost 4, and 18 months. DH started his own business when I was pregnant with our third. He works now more than ever and when he is home he is often on the computer following-up on business things.

The last 18 months have been hard. I love all three of my children but honestly it is overwhelming at times. I did the BF and pumping for 12 months. I resorted to two different daycares until just a month ago, as my original daycare provider did not have opening until school started this fall.

Things I have worked out with my husband. I take kids to daycare but I do get him out of bed most mornings to help with getting the kids out the door. Honestly, it varies some days he is better at helping than others. I do try and remember to compliment DH on those mornings when he is particularly helpful. DH picks kids up most nights.

Honestly, I handle many of the household responsibilities. DH does his own laundry, although he is not always good about the folding & putting away part. Sometimes I just leave it in laundry basket. Sometimes I take care of it. Usually depends on how much it is bothering me to have it sit or whatever else I have to do. I also have DH handle the kids bath times when I can. It’s a great chance to have them occupied and I can get things done around the house.

As for cleaning, I’m not afraid to throw things away or give things away. Less clutter definitely makes it easier to keep things picked up. Most nights I try to have the kids do a 10 minute clean up as part of their bedtime routine. They are in charge of “floor patrol” getting things picked-up and put away. Even my 18 month old participates. I do incent my kids with a bedtime snack/treat/additional bedtime story if everything gets picked up on time and yes I do set a timer.

The kitchen is my domain. I love my dishwasher, would not live without it. I run my dishwasher almost nightly regardless if it’s completely full or not. I do usually insist on my kids clearing their own dishes from the table after meals. I also include my 18 month old on this when appropriate. I try to meal plan. Some weeks are better than others. On weekends, I am trying to work a couple meals ahead. This past Sunday my daughter and I put together a crockpot lasagna for Monday. I use a light timer with my crockpot, so things don’t get overcooked. Works beatifully. DH had kids to the table and eating when I got home Monday. It was wonderful. During the week I have also relaxed and will have a night or two of either cereal, sandwiches, or pizza. I learned the kids or DH don’t mind and it does make things easier for me.

Finally, I hired a housecleaner. She comes in once every two weeks. It is such a treat to come home on the days she has been here. My only complaint is I wish she was available to come more often.

Hope some of this is helpful. There are days I just want to cry when things get overwhelming. I try to accept my husband for what he does rather than what he doesn’t. It does get frustrating. I think the most frustrating part is when DH will ask me “why didn’t you get XYZ done?” and I think to myself please open your eyes and see what’s on my plate these days :confused:

Please take care of yourself. Hope God speaks to your heart and you find your way.
 
matris_domi said:
Can I ask a question that is going to sound rude, but that I mean in all sincerity? Why would a woman, after seeing for several years that her husband does not help with the kids, or around the house, whose word she can’t trust, and who seems to struggle with supporting his family, consent to keep having more children with that man, adding to the workload, chaos, and frustration?

You can put this all on him, but you have participated in making this life the way it is. Perhaps you can see what different choices on your part would make things more teneble in the future.
Click to expand...
BTW not a helpful comment. Life is hard sometimes and some of us try to make the most of the circumstances we are dealt with. Keep in mind it is very hard to summarize the circumstances any individual is dealing with completely in a forum post. Please don’t assume what you don’t know.
 
It is tough situation and my prayers go out to you. But also look and see what you have–your marriage is still intact, and you and husband can still talk to each other. You have those kids… there is a lot there that’s positive too. God gives you graces and blessings you need and He’ll never give you a cross you can’t carry. Build on those blessings you have and crowd out the bad stuff with the good.

You will do this if you lean on Him.

jb
 
Another thought - I also find it helpful to give DH forced choices like would you rather give the kids a bath or clean the kitchen? Pick the kids up from daycare or make dinner? I try to include something I know he will do. This is helpful in two ways, one makes him realize there are multiple things that need doing and two I am doing my part in that I will do whatever it is he chooses not to do. I also try to make it clear there is no option C. It is A or B.

Honestly, I need to remember to do this more, as this actually works well most of the time. I will get an occasional I don’t have time for XYZ or I need to mow grass. I try to be reasonable although there are occasions when I lose my cool. I will be honest the recurring arguments in our marriage are generally over who does what. For example, it is rare we when we might argue over money issues which I know can be a trial for some marriages.

Anyways, continued prayers go out to you.
 
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