Prayer Request

  • Thread starter Thread starter Norm640
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

Norm640

Guest
I have decided that I don’t want to live anymore. I tried in the past to kill myself (way back in the 90s) and I didn’t succeed. I know that this would devastate my family and is not what God wants for me.

But I also know that God doesn’t want me happy. And I am tired of carrying the cross of being unwanted and unloved. I have no idea why I’m here, and, at 38, I am tired of heartbreak and sorrow, and watching the world move on while I stay the same. I am dirt poor, I live with my father, and I cannot find a woman to love me.

Yesterday I was rejected by a girl I was dating after I told her I loved her, and I thought we shared a bond…because we had sex (my first time, sadly enough) and also because we both know what anxiety and ocd is like. She told me she wants t casually date other men and just be friends, which is a nice way of saying its over. She knows me as well as any woman can, and apparently that wasn’t good enough.

All of you folks reading this are probably thinking I’m making too much out of it. Well, frankly, you have no idea what it feels like to feel completely alone, like an alien where you pass through everyone’s life, like a ghost, and at the same time are expected to always be there when needed. Where you know your behavior is stupid and irrational, but you cannot stop. Where no one even wants to try to help you, let alone understand you. I am without direction, I am cold, am lonely, and most of all, I’ve given up.

I have prayed so much for God’s help. That I can have money so I can take care of all the things we need to take care of in our house (our plumbing doesn’t work, we cannot take care of our livestock, we have crushing debt, our house is falling apart, we have medical bills) and I’ve prayed that I will find someone. I’ve been in agony since I was 19; half my life I’ve dealt with OCD and isolation, and, despite meds and therapy, I am still not able to be a success.

I will never be a success, I am always a loser, and that is what I have to realize. But I can’t. For some reason I plod along with foolish hope. And that is the worst thing in the world: to hope and then be heartbroken.

So I am asking all of you to pray to God that He take me. That he just has pity on me and takes my life. I don’t even care where I end up afterwards, I just cannot deal with this anymore. I have failed at life, and realize that I am an aberration. I cannot be understood, wherever I go I cause misery, and I deserve to go away. For my sake, and for everyone else’s.

My life is over anyway…all that is left is the waiting. I don’t want to do anymore damage…I cannot redeem myself.

I am serious. Please pray for my end. Thanks.
 
Please do not despair your hope is not “foolish”. I will pray that God heals your broken heart and spirit. You are very much loved.
 
I am tired of trying to find a silver lining or try to figure out the lesson or trying to think about how yet another horrible thing that happened to me can “make me stronger”. I am tired of all that. I am tired of being told that God always answers us, its just that we don’t know the answers, or that a non answer is actually [Ithe answer*. My mind is awash with so many competing and confusing thoughts I cannot make sense of anything. I can’t. And I’m tired of waking up every day and being filled with hope despite my knowledge that it won’t matter.

People think I’m weird. A family member I thought was OK told my ex gf that I was “unstable” and “stalkerish” and that broke my heart. Because that shows me that perhaps everyone thinks that way. I don’t do anything. I’ve never hurt anyone. I keep to myself.

Why does the world think this way about me? Why do I have to feel like a pariah? Why can’t a woman realize that I am scared of being hurt and that all I need, all I ever needed, was reassurance and love.

I’ve got issues that cannot be solved- even by God. If you ever read about St. Dymphna, it is never claimed that she cures anyone. She just helps people deal with it better. I don’t want that. I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t want this, and you’d think with all the responsibility I have regarding my family now, that God would help me.

I am tired. The crushing, torturous irony is that I’ve wanted love since I was a child. And I’m alone.

My hope is foolish, maybe not yours. But mine is. The only thing I can do is pray that He take me. I don’t want this anymore. I haven’t felt genuinely happy in my entire life. And that wears on you.
 
Norm640 said:
I have decided that I don’t want to live anymore. I tried in the past to kill myself (way back in the 90s) and I didn’t succeed. I know that this would devastate my family and is not what God wants for me.

But I also know that God doesn’t want me happy. And I am tired of carrying the cross of being unwanted and unloved. I have no idea why I’m here, and, at 38, I am tired of heartbreak and sorrow, and watching the world move on while I stay the same. I am dirt poor, I live with my father, and I cannot find a woman to love me.

Yesterday I was rejected by a girl I was dating after I told her I loved her, and I thought we shared a bond…because we had sex (my first time, sadly enough) and also because we both know what anxiety and ocd is like. She told me she wants t casually date other men and just be friends, which is a nice way of saying its over. She knows me as well as any woman can, and apparently that wasn’t good enough.

All of you folks reading this are probably thinking I’m making too much out of it. Well, frankly, you have no idea what it feels like to feel completely alone, like an alien where you pass through everyone’s life, like a ghost, and at the same time are expected to always be there when needed. Where you know your behavior is stupid and irrational, but you cannot stop. Where no one even wants to try to help you, let alone understand you. I am without direction, I am cold, am lonely, and most of all, I’ve given up.

I have prayed so much for God’s help. That I can have money so I can take care of all the things we need to take care of in our house (our plumbing doesn’t work, we cannot take care of our livestock, we have crushing debt, our house is falling apart, we have medical bills) and I’ve prayed that I will find someone. I’ve been in agony since I was 19; half my life I’ve dealt with OCD and isolation, and, despite meds and therapy, I am still not able to be a success.

I will never be a success, I am always a loser, and that is what I have to realize. But I can’t. For some reason I plod along with foolish hope. And that is the worst thing in the world: to hope and then be heartbroken.

So I am asking all of you to pray to God that He take me. That he just has pity on me and takes my life. I don’t even care where I end up afterwards, I just cannot deal with this anymore. I have failed at life, and realize that I am an aberration. I cannot be understood, wherever I go I cause misery, and I deserve to go away. For my sake, and for everyone else’s.

My life is over anyway…all that is left is the waiting. I don’t want to do anymore damage…I cannot redeem myself.

I am serious. Please pray for my end. Thanks.
Click to expand...
I am so sorry for all that has happened to you, and I am sorry, but I will not pray for your end. I will only pray for you, and you alone. God does not want to watch you suffer, nor does He want to watch you murder yourself. You are never “completely alone,” and I do understand your point there. However, you must know someone. You said that therapy and medication hasn’t worked. Have you thought about telling your therapist about what you are feeling right now? If you are on medication, what you’re feeling could be a serious side effect. What about your Priest, or even the Deacon at your parish? They can help you, and they are there for you, no matter what you’ve done, what you feel like, or what has happened/is happening. I ask you to please take my advice, and remember that once you die, you are dead. There is no coming back from death. I will be praying for you, and I pray that you will seek help instead of taking this into your own hands.
 
thequietsinger said:
I am so sorry for all that has happened to you, and I am sorry, but I will not pray for your end. I will only pray for you, and you alone. God does not want to watch you suffer, nor does He want to watch you murder yourself. You are never “completely alone,” and I do understand your point there. However, you must know someone. You said that therapy and medication hasn’t worked. Have you thought about telling your therapist about what you are feeling right now? If you are on medication, what you’re feeling could be a serious side effect. What about your Priest, or even the Deacon at your parish? They can help you, and they are there for you, no matter what you’ve done, what you feel like, or what has happened/is happening. I ask you to please take my advice, and remember that once you die, you are dead. There is no coming back from death. I will be praying for you, and I pray that you will seek help instead of taking this into your own hands.
Click to expand...
No, no, no, no, no. Therapists can’t do anything. Priests can’t do anything because they really can’t identify.

I’ve been on this medication for 13 years. It is not the medication. And I’m almost paralyzed in my own head without it. This is about me. This is about the guy that was born as a sensitive, fragile, monster of a human being.

Why not pray for my end? When people are deathly ill, often people pray for them to go gently. How is this any different? My body is healthy, I am strong. I can do anything physically. My mind is diseased. I have nowhere to go. And any purpose I was created for either has to be as an example for others (which is bad for me) or for something bad.

I hate being alone, but I fear being hurt. So I am always alone.

God knows me, and he knows what I’ve gone through. And I am a filthy sinner, and I’ve done horrible things, mostly to myself. But I try and help everyone, and I just want to be loved.

I just want this over. I can’t kill myself. I don’t have the guts to do it. But I can’t affect what God does (obviously). But you can. Pray for my end, so I don’t have to deal with this.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Dear brother in Christ, please be assured of my prayers for you tonight :byzsoc:
:console:
 
These times are also worse…the cold, the lack of light, darkness all the time, the holidays. When we see others who seem to be enjoying themselves, it can seem to accentuate it. We come into Christmas, and it’s “Happy Holidays”, “Merry Christmas!”. However, I imagine, you’re probably thinking something like, “What’s there to be merry about?!”

However, sometimes appearances can be deceptive. I know a lady who had a husband and children, house, and even with all that was very unhappy. Externally, she seemed so happy, to look at her, though! She ended up getting divorced, even. So, one never knows.
Just because one’s in a relationship is no guarantee of happiness.

Anyway, with depression, time can seem to pass more slowly for those who are suffering in this manner. A single day can seem like an eternity. Personally, I think it’s easier for a lot of people in the summer. We get all that nice light, which we know helps a lot of people with depression. Plus, I just think it’s an easier time. We’re not stuck inside so much. We get out and about more.

In the north, in winter, especially, it seemed to be night much of the time. I’ve seen, maybe online, some people have figured out if they get more light into their lives, they feel better, but it’s a certain kind of light. Don’t know if it really works.

Modern times, so many people are so darned busy. A lot of it is actually quite real, not even an excuse. I’ve known people working, going to school, and have to come home. They honestly and truly get exhausted! A lot of them just want to go to bed and get some sleep!

Well, in olden times, the head of the house, the man, could support an entire family, even a large one, on a single income. Now, a lot of households find both in the couple need to work just to pay for all the expenses, especially medical.

A lot of families are more distant. People used to get together more as families, like before TV and the internet. Before TV, people actually used to even visit eachother and talked! Imagine that! Gosh!

A lot of families don’t even eat together, hardly ever! In some ways, there are moments, I wish we could turn back the clock. I think before there were simpler and easier times.

My mother’s 88 y.o., and she told me about the “good old days”. She said they worked hard, especially physically. They had a farm, cows, chickens. However, she said you also didn’t have all the stress like you do in modern times.

One of my sisters was commenting that practically everybody she knows is on medication! What do I know, though?

I was reading some statistics on married folks, and did you realize that a lot of couples today are lucky to talk 5 min. a day? People, even in marriages today, can even be as lonely as a single person, some even lonelier, hard as that is to believe. Plus, there’s so much divorce and such.

I think we all are seeking love, acceptance, belonging. If we don’t get it, it’s as if we are missing something and can’t move forward. If we didn’t feel loved, especially as children, God help us. That is very difficult to resolve. It can be like a permanent unhealed wound.

I can’t really speak as to why God does things to people or allows sufferings. He’s allowed his own son to be crucified. So, he is a bit difficult to understand! One saint said something like, “If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few!”

I’ve gone through very long times, and very many, where if somebody would have paid me a dime for every suicidal thought, I would have now been a VERY rich woman! Now, I believe it’s even sinful for me to even think like that. Well, I believe God has his reasons, even if I (piece of dust) don’t always understand. 😉

I admit I’ve felt something similar to what you are feeling now to a point I can find it hard to even function. I tell my body to move, and it takes a lot of my strength to accomplish that.

I can try to pray and find it hard to even focus. It’s as if my energy level has dipped down dramatically. I can feel more sensitive, possibly overly so.

I can actually relate to you, even if nobody else on the forum can, so don’t think you’re alone. Depression is quite painful. There are a LOT of lonely people in the world! There are a lot of sad ones. It’s sort of a shame more kind find each other! However, ironically, depressed people will usually isolate themselves when they most need others.

Surely, there’s another person out there saying, “Oh, how I wish I could find someone who could understand me! Nobody understands! I wish I didn’t exist!” Too bad these people couldn’t find each other!

I used to tutor Hispanics, and there was a whole bunch of them in one complex. They would spend holidays alone, not realizing almost nextdoor was someone in that very same predicament, without family. So, I’d introduce them to their neighbors, and it helped a lot!

Anyway, with you, the ideal would be if you could get yourself out of the house a bit more, so you don’t get “cabin fever”.

One thing I do is volunteer work, which seems to help a bit. It helps give me a sense of purpose.

I know it’s hard when you can’t find another person who seems to care or on one’s “wavelength” for lack of a better word, though.

I will tell you that I believe God put you here for a reason. You were made in the Divine Image. True, we were never designed to be so alone.

I know you asked us to pray that you die, but I can’t find it in my heart to do that. I’ll pray that God help you, though. I hope that’ll be okay with you.

Anyway, I’ll close with that prayer, now.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.:angel1:
 
I understand you…I know it hurts…I pray for you…You are loved by God…May He bless you.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother. To thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Praying that the Lord may grant you relief from this painful burden and that He may provide you with all necessary graces.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen
 
You have my prayers as well.

God bless. Keep yourself surrounded by people as much as possible.

Please get help. Make calls, appointments, with clergy, social workers, doctors, free clinics; something! someone! It can get better. It may be tough going and still, it can get better.

Please, in His Name Who made you and loves you, please. :gopray: ❤️
 
Holy Michael the Archangel defend us in the day of battle.
Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
by the Power of God,
thrust down to hell satan and all the wicked spirits,
who wander through the world for the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession and was left forsaken. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you I come, before you I stand, a sorrowful sinner. Despise not my words, O Mother of the Word, but in your mercy, hear and answer me.
Amen
 
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.
 
Cheezey, those things don’t work. I have failed at life. And this is as good as it gets (spoken by Jack Nicholson in the movie of the same title by a character with pretty much the same issues). I am 38. I’m really dead. All that’s involved now is the waiting. I open my heart and it is rejected, again. I pray incessantly, most of the time for others, but for myself on occasion. Nothing but silence. And people laugh about receiving direct answers from God- but guess what? When your mind is filled with obsession, compulsions, self-loathing and worrying about making ends meet, you can’t discern a damned thing.

So yeah, if the God of the New Testament was direct enough to cause floods, zap people with lightning, and raise people from the dead, the least he can do is reply to me. I’m twisting in the wind…and I’m tired of hoping. Because sometimes I think it’s all a sham and that what gets the rubes in the tent if hope…

I want someone to love me and accept me. Nurture me when I need. Calm my fears. Walk with me. I am tired of being alone. And I’m really tired of praying and hoping God hears me.
cheezey said:
You have my prayers as well.

God bless. Keep yourself surrounded by people as much as possible.

Please get help. Make calls, appointments, with clergy, social workers, doctors, free clinics; something! someone! It can get better. It may be tough going and still, it can get better.

Please, in His Name Who made you and loves you, please. :gopray: ❤️
Click to expand...
 
ela2 said:
I understand you…I know it hurts…I pray for you…You are loved by God…May He bless you.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother. To thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
Click to expand...
Amen
Norm640 said:
Cheezey, those things don’t work. I have failed at life. And this is as good as it gets (spoken by Jack Nicholson in the movie of the same title by a character with pretty much the same issues). I am 38. I’m really dead. All that’s involved now is the waiting. I open my heart and it is rejected, again. I pray incessantly, most of the time for others, but for myself on occasion. Nothing but silence. And people laugh about receiving direct answers from God- but guess what? When your mind is filled with obsession, compulsions, self-loathing and worrying about making ends meet, you can’t discern a damned thing.

So yeah, if the God of the New Testament was direct enough to cause floods, zap people with lightning, and raise people from the dead, the least he can do is reply to me. I’m twisting in the wind…and I’m tired of hoping. Because sometimes I think it’s all a sham and that what gets the rubes in the tent if hope…

I want someone to love me and accept me. Nurture me when I need. Calm my fears. Walk with me. I am tired of being alone. And I’m really tired of praying and hoping God hears me.
Click to expand...
SomeOne does love and accept you. No matter what. He nurtures you or you wouldn’t be here on CAF.
He IS walking with you and hearing you. You ARE hearing Him by reaching out here.
If I could, I’d be there with you to jump the hurdle that keeps you from reaching out to people, even with the risk of hurting. It is difficult, but you must try again and again, despite being tired. Keep reaching. Please.
You are not alone. And you are loved by many more people than you realize.
 
:gopray:

Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Your Name
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom
and the Power
and the Glory for ever and ever.
Amen.

Ave Maria, gratia plena,
Dominus tecum,
benedicta tu in mulieribus,
et benedictus fructus ventris tui Iesus.
Sancta Maria mater Dei,
ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae.
Amen

:signofcross:
 
:gopray:

Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Your Name
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom
and the Power
and the Glory for ever and ever.
Amen.

Ave Maria, gratia plena,
Dominus tecum,
benedicta tu in mulieribus,
et benedictus fructus ventris tui Iesus.
Sancta Maria mater Dei,
ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae.
Amen

:signofcross:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top