Prayers and advice appreciated re: no more children

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Nobody is going to like this, but:
I think you should calm down and count your blessings.
Lots of us “only” have 2 kids. And we’re overjoyed to watch them at every stage of their lives. If only having 2 kids is the worst thing that ever befalls your family? You’re quite blessed. If he’s worried about not seeing his children grow up, you need to take that seriously. Nothing fun about having to raise children alone…ask any single mother.
My girls’ dad died when they were teens… And let me tell you, I was TIRED.

Think about it at least.
Best wishes.

I agree with most of this. She seems to not recognize the blessings in front of her and that is sad for the kids as well. You would never want to grow up thinking you were not enough to make your mother happy in life.

But the tired aspect I suspect can be dealt with. I’m 41 I homeschool I have 5. Is it draining sometimes? Sure. But I would not describe myself as “tired”. Especially in this day and age of 41 year old runners, bicyclists, and weekend warriors. I cook and clean all day but if one of my buddies wants a paintball and poker night, I’m down.

I’m not tired.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think lot’s of men struggle with relating to very young children, my husband only really - got it - with our third. But if you have more he will both learn and of course he can concentrate on them as they grow up.

We found with the mess thing it’s best to go with the art of the possible, try to keep at least one or two rooms for you as adults.

Some men do. Some men are also controlling. For some reason I get a little of that vibe here.

If only there were a period of time before you were forever bonded that you could explore these issues…

 

[Xantippe]

I agree with most of this. She seems to not recognize the blessings in front of her and that is sad for the kids as well. You would never want to grow up thinking you were not enough to make your mother happy in life.

But the tired aspect I suspect can be dealt with. I’m 41 I homeschool I have 5. Is it draining sometimes? Sure. But I would not describe myself as “tired”. Especially in this day and age of 41 year old runners, bicyclists, and weekend warriors. I cook and clean all day but if one of my buddies wants a paintball and poker night, I’m down.

I’m not tired.

In the last year, my husband (who is a somewhat older early 40-something) was having a lot of knee trouble that he found was exacerbated by changing diapers.

A lot of people in their 40s are runners and bicyclists. And a lot of people at that age discover that their running days are over. My podiatrist is probably a 40-something, and ex-military doctor, and he told me he ran for 20 years, and then it was the end of the road for him.

At our house, we’ve found that the injuries have become part of our lives in a big way the last several years. So my husband has his knee stuff, some recurring foot stuff, and probably something else I’m forgetting, while I have some peroneal tendonitis that I got from about two weeks of elliptical 3 years ago that flares up from time to time.

Aging is actually a thing.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

In the last year, my husband (who is a somewhat older early 40-something) was having a lot of knee trouble that he found was exacerbated by changing diapers.

A lot of people in their 40s are runners and bicyclists. And a lot of people at that age discover that their running days are over. My podiatrist is probably a 40-something, and ex-military doctor, and he told me he ran for 20 years, and then it was the end of the road for him.

At our house, we’ve found that the injuries have become part of our lives in a big way the last several years. So my husband has his knee stuff, some recurring foot stuff, and probably something else I’m forgetting, while I have some peroneal tendonitis that I got from about two weeks of elliptical 3 years ago that flares up from time to time.

Aging is actually a thing.

I’m not sure I’ve ever changed a diaper with my knee. Challenge accepted!

 

[AClaire11]

I don’t think mourning her lifelong dream of a large family means she does not appreciate her children. I have endometriosis and likely will not be able to have the family of 5+ children that I always dreamed of. I have accepted that my daughter may be my only child and am reminded every day what a miracle it is that I have her. She is the source of so much joy. That doesn’t mean that I’m not still sad I will most likely not have a large family.

 

[newlywed8]

I don’t think mourning her lifelong dream of a large family means she does not appreciate her children. I have endometriosis and likely will not be able to have the family of 5+ children that I always dreamed of. I have accepted that my daughter may be my only child and am reminded every day what a miracle it is that I have her. She is the source of so much joy. That doesn’t mean that I’m not still sad I will most likely not have a large family.

Thank you. I most certainly do know what an incredible blessing my two children are, and they know how much they are loved and cherished. I homeschool, and I love watching them grow, learn, change and really become their own people.

We also did discuss this before we were married, and had been planning on about 4, he just changed his mind.

I suppose it is largely just a case of ‘tell God your plans’.

Thank you to all who have offered prayers and helpful advice. I am keeping it all very close to my heart as I work on trusting God.

 

[bitterhope]

I don’t think mourning her lifelong dream of a large family means she does not appreciate her children. I have endometriosis and likely will not be able to have the family of 5+ children that I always dreamed of. I have accepted that my daughter may be my only child and am reminded every day what a miracle it is that I have her. She is the source of so much joy. That doesn’t mean that I’m not still sad I will most likely not have a large family.

I agree. Many people in her and your situation appreciate what they have been blessed with even more because they know what they’re missing. They are thankful for what they have and make a larger effort to see the joy in their lives because they realize how lucky they are to have what they do. It is wrong for a spouse to make these decisions with no real discussion or compromise in place. It’s a recipe for deep resentment for years to come. Especially if in the case of the OP, an agreement which required compromises was previously made and then unmade without discussion. Interestingly the compromise she made is now turned into the preference he started with.

Your families are both in my prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not sure I’ve ever changed a diaper with my knee. Challenge accepted!

At Baby Girl’s age, diaper changes are either on the floor or with her standing up–so there’s going to be some knee action for the parent.

 

[AClaire11]

I agree. Many people in her and your situation appreciate what they have been blessed with even more because they know what they’re missing. They are thankful for what they have and make a larger effort to see the joy in their lives because they realize how lucky they are to have what they do. It is wrong for a spouse to make these decisions with no real discussion or compromise in place. It’s a recipe for deep resentment for years to come. Especially if in the case of the OP, an agreement which required compromises was previously made and then unmade without discussion. Interestingly the compromise she made is now turned into the preference he started with.

Your families are both in my prayers.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I agree with your assessment.

 

[AClaire11]

At Baby Girl’s age, diaper changes are either on the floor or with her standing up–so there’s going to be some knee action for the parent.

Yeah, after mine started rolling all over and trying to crawl off the changing table, we also moved to the floor. I have a chronic knee injury and it’s not fun getting back up.

 

[pianistclare]

I agree with most of this. She seems to not recognize the blessings in front of her and that is sad for the kids as well. You would never want to grow up thinking you were not enough to make your mother happy in life.

But the tired aspect I suspect can be dealt with. I’m 41 I homeschool I have 5. Is it draining sometimes? Sure. But I would not describe myself as “tired”. Especially in this day and age of 41 year old runners, bicyclists, and weekend warriors. I cook and clean all day but if one of my buddies wants a paintball and poker night, I’m down.

I’m not tired.

I didn’t mean tired as in exhaustion. I suppose a better word is weary.
Weary of protecting them from prying questions about their daddy’s death, weary of dealing with well meaning people who thought I should sell everything and move across country,
weary of people feeling “sorry” for me, weary of people not wanting my kids over because they were afriad they’d cry in front of their kids…all that junk.

 

[ThePCWife]

I think lot’s of men struggle with relating to very young children, my husband only really - got it - with our third. But if you have more he will both learn and of course he can concentrate on them as they grow up.

We found with the mess thing it’s best to go with the art of the possible, try to keep at least one or two rooms for you as adults.

There is no guarantee of this whatsoever and telling people it is a sure thing is not good advice. Some men if their wife pushes for more babies than they are able to handle will just check out entirely and leave her with the whole enchilada. There’s also the fact that more kids is more resources and mental energy, people aren’t infinitely able to expand to new children, especially with the modern intensive parenting (and yeah, homeschooling is also intensive parenting). He’s just human, too, and more children may be more than he can physically and mentally handle himself. Pinning hope on some idea of easy adjustment because the new kid(s) are there is cruel to the kids and dad.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

At Baby Girl’s age, diaper changes are either on the floor or with her standing up–so there’s going to be some knee action for the parent.

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I did a little quick math and came up with 14,235. that is the number of diapers I’ve changed so far. So I know a little about the physicality of it. Also twice I’ve been seriously injured. Once last year while skiing and once before with a broken leg. So I also know a little about changing a kid while not being able to bend without pain.

My mother also in a skiing and tennis injury has had 4 ACL replacements.

All that being said, very few men would cite changing a baby as a physical imediment to future children. And those who would, have my sympathy.
When I was injured it killed me to not be able to kneel at Mass, be active, play with my children, please my wife etc. I can only imagine how that would be as a full time deal. I’m sure you are right and it will happen sooner or later.

But I like to think as long as I can make em, I can take care of them!

I’d like to hear from the op on the physical limitations of her husband. Perhaps there is a case of a disability here.

 

[Lorelei12]

Something I am still learning to accept is that our visions of how we’d like our lives to be don’t always turn out that way. I too envisioned a large family, but that is not going to be our reality. We have one child and I’m praying that someday he has a brother or sister, but trying to accept that it might not happen. I never imagined having an only child. I guess this probably happens often- some people never imagine having multiple children, and they do, or some people imagine having children and can’t, or some people imagine being married and that doesn’t happen either. We’ve faced challenges with our one child that I never imagined either, and it’s forced me to stop imagining how I’d like my life to be and just live with it.

I understand how hard it is to look at families with more children and be sad and jealous. I do this all the time too.

I think that, before marriage, it’s really easy to imagine how many kids you want. The thing is, we’re not really supposed to do this. It’s something that’s supposed to be continually discerned, and sometimes there are really good reasons why avoiding more children is right. I’d say that a parent who sincerely feels that he or she cannot handle more kids, for physical and/or mental reasons is to be taken seriously.

Some people like to say “Oh, God won’t give you more than you can handle” or “Well I have x amount of kids and we’re fine, so why can’t you handle it?” but that’s really not helpful. “Tired” means different things to different people. To some, tired means sleepy but able to function. To others, tired means utter exhaustion, or dealing with health problems due to aging, or psychological issues, or whatever. No one here knows exactly what your husband means when he says he feels too old. But I do think it’s a legitimate concern to not believe you can handle another kid when you’re in your early 40s. If there is a ten year age difference, it’s hard to imagine what you might feel like in ten years.

It sounds like you’re trying really hard to accept his decision and praying not for what you want, but rather to be able to accept whatever happens. I think that’s the best approach, and I hope that you are able to find some peace.

 

[Xantippe]

Our kiddies wear diapers right up to learning-to-read time, so we can’t do the change table all the way until the end–plus it is a lot safer for the kid on the floor. Also, the lifting itself has an impact on the knees. Our youngest is 40 pounds right now and only about 60% potty-trained. My podiatrist has told me not to carry Baby Girl, and while I don’t go out of my way to carry her, there are definitely times when I violate that advice. And you’d have to with a smaller child…

(With my middle child, I seriously thought he was going to learn to read before he potty trained. I actually slowed down the phonics at one point to prevent that from happening.)

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I did a little quick math and came up with 14,235. that is the number of diapers I’ve changed so far. So I know a little about the physicality of it. Also twice I’ve been seriously injured. Once last year while skiing and once before with a broken leg. So I also know a little about changing a kid while not being able to bend without pain.

My mother also in a skiing and tennis injury has had 4 ACL replacements.

All that being said, very few men would cite changing a baby as a physical imediment to future children. And those who would, have my sympathy.
When I was injured it killed me to not be able to kneel at Mass, be active, play with my children, please my wife etc. I can only imagine how that would be as a full time deal. I’m sure you are right and it will happen sooner or later.

But I like to think as long as I can make em, I can take care of them!

I’d like to hear from the op on the physical limitations of her husband. Perhaps there is a case of a disability here.

 

[Xantippe]

I didn’t mean tired as in exhaustion. I suppose a better word is weary.
Weary of protecting them from prying questions about their daddy’s death, weary of dealing with well meaning people who thought I should sell everything and move across country,
weary of people feeling “sorry” for me, weary of people not wanting my kids over because they were afriad they’d cry in front of their kids……all that junk.

Wow! That one practically retires the insensitivity trophy.

 

[pianistclare]

Wow! That one practically retires the insensitivity trophy.

Oh yeah. One of the teachers at my Catholic school got asked to leave their employ because she cried in her classroom during morning prayer one day a week after her husband died. A parent complained. And she lost her job for “unprofessionalism”.

That school year 6 of us lost our husbands. Only one person got the “perk” of having the school children attend a Memorial Mass. Her sister in law was another Catholic principal. The rest of us were told to suck it up and deal.
:bighanky:

sorry folks. back to your originally scheduled post.

 

[Xantippe]

There is no guarantee of this whatsoever and telling people it is a sure thing is not good advice. Some men if their wife pushes for more babies than they are able to handle will just check out entirely and leave her with the whole enchilada. There’s also the fact that more kids is more resources and mental energy, people aren’t infinitely able to expand to new children, especially with the modern intensive parenting (and yeah, homeschooling is also intensive parenting). He’s just human, too, and more children may be more than he can physically and mentally handle himself. Pinning hope on some idea of easy adjustment because the new kid(s) are there is cruel to the kids and dad.

Yes.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Oh yeah. One of the teachers at my Catholic school got asked to leave their employ because she cried in her classroom during morning prayer one day a week after her husband died. A parent complained. And she lost her job for “unprofessionalism”.

That school year 6 of us lost our husbands. Only one person got the “perk” of having the school children attend a Memorial Mass. Her sister in law was another Catholic principal. The rest of us were told to suck it up and deal.
:bighanky:

sorry folks. back to your originally scheduled post.

This is just unfathomable. I am sorry that this school has the name Catholic attached to it. If it were up to me I would have asked the parent who complained to leave the school–for lack of mercy, understanding and caring. My hat is off to the teacher for being in the classroom one week after her husband died. Your bishop should know about this if he doesn’t already. I am sorry for your loss and what you have had to go through–I truly don’t get/understand so many people today.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[Vanny]

Well- this is going to sound strange but would your husband be willing to compromise and meet in the middle with ONE more at least you having 3 children? Not 4 or a large family but 3?
My own husband was 48 when my youngest, now early 20’s was born("I’m 8 years younger.) MY story is a bit different as my dh was married before( we will require an annulment to become Catholic but that’s a different thread) and was open to more children we married at 36 (me) and 45 (him) I had never been married before or had kids.
And we only had two. Long story I won’t digress but he kept up with the youngest one fairly well and still does but of course I did most of the chasing and caring for the small toddlers ( he was an over the road trucker then).
But everyone is different I realize. My husband has been in fairly good health, so far, for close to 70.
I do worry about grandkids and will we be able to be active, involved grandparents. (he already has teenage grandchildren from his first marriage)
You are doing the right thing by praying.