G
GaudeteSemper
Guest
Hello, all, and thank you so very much for your time! In my struggle to deal with this issue, I have spent time searching for wisdom on Catholic Answers, but I am now so desperate that I decided to write a post of my own…
Tomorrow, my boyfriend and I will celebrate our six-month anniversary, but we are mired in confusion and distress over the current state of our relationship. We have known each other for over a year and became best friends in about December, which blossomed into a dating relationship in February. Our platonic love became more, and we experienced about three great months together before things changed, or rather, I changed… He improved his attitudes and behaviours toward sex, whereas I began to overreact over small things…
Before we dated, my boyfriend knew that I am a cradle Catholic who will remain a virgin until my wedding night, and I knew that he had somewhat of a sexual past (with debatable virginity) and had a mixed religious upbringing. From the start, he agreed to “wait until marriage” and to raise any eventual children Catholic, but debates were still in store. He learned that I am committed to lifelong chastity, the “rules” of which he does not understand and with which he does not agree. I, in turn, became aware that he was raised in a Jewish-Catholic household (baptised Catholic but received no religious instruction in either faith) and has no defined faith. He prays to the Judeo-Christian God every night and tries to do what he perceives to be His will but has no other religious practices or observances. I had always intended to only date Catholics, but since he was my very beloved friend, I agreed to a relationship…
Without being extraordinarily descriptive, let me say that my boyfriend is wonderful in many, many ways. Though we have very different interests, he is constantly willing to try new things for my sake. My naïveté and "ditziness” are balanced very well by his practicality, organisation, and reliability. No one is a more patient or careful listener or gives better advice, and he is very attentive. He is gentle and sweet and gives me constant assurances that I am beautiful (even when I am undeniably a sweaty, hideous, frumpy mess) – and means it. He is romantic and thoughtful, sending me photos of flowers and adorable baby animals, taking me outside to stare at the moon, and sending me the sweetest gifts and love notes. The most trivial things that I say, he remembers with perfect clarity. No birthday, anniversary, or other important date is forgotten. He holds open car doors, pays for every meal, and even gallantly carries me up the staircase when my back problem is exacerbated (not that I request this – he just always goes above and beyond for me!). At any hour of the night, he will go out of his way to help me, whether it is driving me a forgotten piece of my uniform in the middle of the night or driving over an hour away to surprise me during a bad work shift. Throughout my slew of current medical problems, he has been my rock, driving me to appointments and holding my hand through every situation. I am unwaveringly supported and encouraged to pursue my dreams, even when this comes at a cost to him. He never criticises me and patiently endures my southern Italian temper, hubris, and generally dramatic nature. No one reads me better. After one sentence or text, he knows both that I am upset and the precise topic of my distress. His family embraced me instantly and mine loves him. He is absolutely adorable when he plays with my goddaughter. I do not doubt that he loves me with absolute sincerity… He is extremely self-sacrificing and drops absolutely everything for his parents and me… and the fire department.
Now, who I am to complain that my boyfriend is a brave, dedicated, self-sacrificing hero? (Not to mention strong, tall, dark, and handsome, haha!) Unfortunately, however, heroism aside, firehouses often have frat house atmospheres with a heavy emphasis on pornography, masturbation, fornication, insert unchaste act here. There is a pervasive fire service lie that “manhood” cannot be obtained without fornication, and as my chastity is very public (firehouses have no secrets!), so is my boyfriend’s perceived wimpiness. My boyfriend, raised without a strong religious or moral foundation, grew up in firehouses, indoctrinated from young childhood with their warped views of sexuality and women. He does respect me as a person and has a “normal” view of women, as compared to the sexist, misogynistic attitudes that are quite prevalent, but still falls prey to the myth that casual sex equals manhood. Despite some fallings (which do haunt me occasionally but he now regrets, which is a great comfort), he did refuse intercourse, instinctively feeling that he ought to wait for the right time and the right person. For my sake, when he finally realised how much his porn usage devastated me, he swore off it forever. Quite an improvement from the statement he made at the beginning of the relationship to never give up two things: firefighting and porn!!! Even before that point, he reported that he was using it less and less and was losing interest, largely because it was rather tainted by my disapproval and sadness. He has tried to decrease how much he masturbates and says that it also is no longer fulfilling. (Prayers at work?) The comments about his sexual frustration continue, however, and he also feels a need to make sexual jokes with and hide his lack of current pornographic indulgence from the other firefighters so that his “manhood” level does not fall further. Due to years of verbal abuse and bullying, he already has no self-esteem. With the taunting over virginity paired with the disappointment of his girlfriend, he is quite torn and quite depressed. His home, school, social, and career lives are at all-time lows, and the ongoing sexual debate has caused even more of a downward spiral.
My boyfriend never pressures me to have sex, but because we are very open and honest with each other, he confides his sexual frustrations to me, and I always overreact. In May, he made a thoughtless comment about our possible future son joining the fire service and becoming exposed to porn. I panicked. Better to die childless than to bear children destined for corruption, I reasoned. I realised that, unless my boyfriend makes some huge changes, I could never feel comfortable marrying him… and I found such a transformation unlikely. Since then, the most innocent, “After marriage, why can’t we do…?” results in tears and a fight, caused solely by me. He asks patiently, calmly, and curiously, fully prepared for what he views as an inevitable compromise on his part. Though he perceives “Catholic sex” to be restrictive and too “black and white,” and he is frustrated because I seem uncompromising, he is still absolutely committed to staying with me and to following my moral standards (though not regarding masturbation before marital sex supposedly replaces it.) He is willing to learn and change and sacrifice greatly for love of me. I know that my overreacting is unreasonable and pains him greatly. He knows that I think him corrupted (though not unsalvageable or a bad person), and this makes him very sad. All he does is offer me love and patience, and I return it with preaching and anger.
I love this man. He is indescribably precious to me. He thinks that, because of my distress over these things, I hate him. Nothing could be farther from the truth. He despises himself, but when I fight and cry, it is over his lost innocence and for the possible (likely?) loss of our future together. I am so tired of feeling (though I should not) guilt over his sexual frustration and of endless debates. I feel like problems will only get worse and I have basically given up. I am not interested in another man, but I do yearn sometimes for a good Catholic boyfriend who can work with me in a team effort to stay virginal and for a good Catholic husband to read our children Bible stories on his knee. Saint Augustine converted – my boyfriend certainly can – but I am no Saint Monica or Saint Rita. I am not sure if I have the strength to continue with this. Am I about to reject a great relationship with a beautiful man, or am I desperately clinging to something destined to fail? And I wonder… Is he more likely to convert if I stay with him and try to help him to Christ? Or would a break up, a choice between masturbation et al. and me motivate him to change? I love him so much and see so much potential in him. In us. But I also feel so much pain… HELP, please!
Tomorrow, my boyfriend and I will celebrate our six-month anniversary, but we are mired in confusion and distress over the current state of our relationship. We have known each other for over a year and became best friends in about December, which blossomed into a dating relationship in February. Our platonic love became more, and we experienced about three great months together before things changed, or rather, I changed… He improved his attitudes and behaviours toward sex, whereas I began to overreact over small things…
Before we dated, my boyfriend knew that I am a cradle Catholic who will remain a virgin until my wedding night, and I knew that he had somewhat of a sexual past (with debatable virginity) and had a mixed religious upbringing. From the start, he agreed to “wait until marriage” and to raise any eventual children Catholic, but debates were still in store. He learned that I am committed to lifelong chastity, the “rules” of which he does not understand and with which he does not agree. I, in turn, became aware that he was raised in a Jewish-Catholic household (baptised Catholic but received no religious instruction in either faith) and has no defined faith. He prays to the Judeo-Christian God every night and tries to do what he perceives to be His will but has no other religious practices or observances. I had always intended to only date Catholics, but since he was my very beloved friend, I agreed to a relationship…
Without being extraordinarily descriptive, let me say that my boyfriend is wonderful in many, many ways. Though we have very different interests, he is constantly willing to try new things for my sake. My naïveté and "ditziness” are balanced very well by his practicality, organisation, and reliability. No one is a more patient or careful listener or gives better advice, and he is very attentive. He is gentle and sweet and gives me constant assurances that I am beautiful (even when I am undeniably a sweaty, hideous, frumpy mess) – and means it. He is romantic and thoughtful, sending me photos of flowers and adorable baby animals, taking me outside to stare at the moon, and sending me the sweetest gifts and love notes. The most trivial things that I say, he remembers with perfect clarity. No birthday, anniversary, or other important date is forgotten. He holds open car doors, pays for every meal, and even gallantly carries me up the staircase when my back problem is exacerbated (not that I request this – he just always goes above and beyond for me!). At any hour of the night, he will go out of his way to help me, whether it is driving me a forgotten piece of my uniform in the middle of the night or driving over an hour away to surprise me during a bad work shift. Throughout my slew of current medical problems, he has been my rock, driving me to appointments and holding my hand through every situation. I am unwaveringly supported and encouraged to pursue my dreams, even when this comes at a cost to him. He never criticises me and patiently endures my southern Italian temper, hubris, and generally dramatic nature. No one reads me better. After one sentence or text, he knows both that I am upset and the precise topic of my distress. His family embraced me instantly and mine loves him. He is absolutely adorable when he plays with my goddaughter. I do not doubt that he loves me with absolute sincerity… He is extremely self-sacrificing and drops absolutely everything for his parents and me… and the fire department.
Now, who I am to complain that my boyfriend is a brave, dedicated, self-sacrificing hero? (Not to mention strong, tall, dark, and handsome, haha!) Unfortunately, however, heroism aside, firehouses often have frat house atmospheres with a heavy emphasis on pornography, masturbation, fornication, insert unchaste act here. There is a pervasive fire service lie that “manhood” cannot be obtained without fornication, and as my chastity is very public (firehouses have no secrets!), so is my boyfriend’s perceived wimpiness. My boyfriend, raised without a strong religious or moral foundation, grew up in firehouses, indoctrinated from young childhood with their warped views of sexuality and women. He does respect me as a person and has a “normal” view of women, as compared to the sexist, misogynistic attitudes that are quite prevalent, but still falls prey to the myth that casual sex equals manhood. Despite some fallings (which do haunt me occasionally but he now regrets, which is a great comfort), he did refuse intercourse, instinctively feeling that he ought to wait for the right time and the right person. For my sake, when he finally realised how much his porn usage devastated me, he swore off it forever. Quite an improvement from the statement he made at the beginning of the relationship to never give up two things: firefighting and porn!!! Even before that point, he reported that he was using it less and less and was losing interest, largely because it was rather tainted by my disapproval and sadness. He has tried to decrease how much he masturbates and says that it also is no longer fulfilling. (Prayers at work?) The comments about his sexual frustration continue, however, and he also feels a need to make sexual jokes with and hide his lack of current pornographic indulgence from the other firefighters so that his “manhood” level does not fall further. Due to years of verbal abuse and bullying, he already has no self-esteem. With the taunting over virginity paired with the disappointment of his girlfriend, he is quite torn and quite depressed. His home, school, social, and career lives are at all-time lows, and the ongoing sexual debate has caused even more of a downward spiral.
My boyfriend never pressures me to have sex, but because we are very open and honest with each other, he confides his sexual frustrations to me, and I always overreact. In May, he made a thoughtless comment about our possible future son joining the fire service and becoming exposed to porn. I panicked. Better to die childless than to bear children destined for corruption, I reasoned. I realised that, unless my boyfriend makes some huge changes, I could never feel comfortable marrying him… and I found such a transformation unlikely. Since then, the most innocent, “After marriage, why can’t we do…?” results in tears and a fight, caused solely by me. He asks patiently, calmly, and curiously, fully prepared for what he views as an inevitable compromise on his part. Though he perceives “Catholic sex” to be restrictive and too “black and white,” and he is frustrated because I seem uncompromising, he is still absolutely committed to staying with me and to following my moral standards (though not regarding masturbation before marital sex supposedly replaces it.) He is willing to learn and change and sacrifice greatly for love of me. I know that my overreacting is unreasonable and pains him greatly. He knows that I think him corrupted (though not unsalvageable or a bad person), and this makes him very sad. All he does is offer me love and patience, and I return it with preaching and anger.
I love this man. He is indescribably precious to me. He thinks that, because of my distress over these things, I hate him. Nothing could be farther from the truth. He despises himself, but when I fight and cry, it is over his lost innocence and for the possible (likely?) loss of our future together. I am so tired of feeling (though I should not) guilt over his sexual frustration and of endless debates. I feel like problems will only get worse and I have basically given up. I am not interested in another man, but I do yearn sometimes for a good Catholic boyfriend who can work with me in a team effort to stay virginal and for a good Catholic husband to read our children Bible stories on his knee. Saint Augustine converted – my boyfriend certainly can – but I am no Saint Monica or Saint Rita. I am not sure if I have the strength to continue with this. Am I about to reject a great relationship with a beautiful man, or am I desperately clinging to something destined to fail? And I wonder… Is he more likely to convert if I stay with him and try to help him to Christ? Or would a break up, a choice between masturbation et al. and me motivate him to change? I love him so much and see so much potential in him. In us. But I also feel so much pain… HELP, please!
But it is hard for both of us… I feel guilty putting him through something so painful, physically and emotionally, though I know it is obviously right for our relationship and our souls. If he had a stronger religious base… Or some semblance of self-esteem… But hey, baby steps…
He is actually to the point at which he usually ends up completely unsatisfied, and he often says, “I don’t even know why I do it anymore!!!” Probably an effect of overstimulation/addiction, or his general depressive state, but when he doesn’t, he goes through “blue balls,” etc. I’ve tried explaining that, physiologically, there is no actual NEED for release, that everything will be reabsorbed, eventually, but he has never actually managed to hold out long enough to see the truth of that. Any advice on distracting activities or ways to reduce the pain? Or how to be comforting? I feel like I always say the wrong thing…