Prayers and advice please RE godson's wedding

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Hello I need some prayers and some advice please concerning my godson/nephew’s wedding.

Background: He is my husband’s sister’s son and stationed several states away in the military. Wedding to take place in about 18 months. He is currently living with his fiance (who I believe was raised Catholic. I’ve met her but don’t know her well. Her family lives in yet a third state.) Wedding currently in the planning stages, probably at one of her relative’s homes in yet another state. Our impression is that it will not be a Catholic wedding. I’ve been told that all the weddings my godson has attended were for his buddies and they have all been in settings chosen for their picturesque appeal rather than being in a church of any kind, therefore “he doesn’t have a clue that it’s a problem,” according to reliable sources, as they say.

My husband’s siblings are all somewhat active in Catholic church activities (ushers, CCD teachers etc.) but I happen to be “the religious one”. (I don’t preach at them or try to foist my views on them and actually try to avoid religious conversations as I’m lousy at confrontation/controversy. I am not better or holier than anyone and don’t want to come off that way.) As the only “outlaw” (i.e., spouse married into the family), I do feel like I am considered the oddball.

There was a discussion of the situation yesterday at a family gathering in which we were talking about the situation. I stated that it was my impression that while there was no hard and fast ruled, it is generally frowned upon for a Catholic to attend a wedding of a Catholic outside the Church. While those in the conversation kind of acknowledged that, they were rather “meh” about the matter – meaning that while they understood that, what could they do but attend? (Which I do understand.) I don’t know if anything has been said to my godson about the situation, but I highly doubt it.

So, based on the above:
  1. Do I as godmother attend the wedding? (Godfather is another sibling who will likely attend.)
  2. If I don’t, do the rest of my household (husband, kids) attend? (Remember, out of state, some travel/accommodations involved).
    3.Should I say anything?
  3. If so, how do I word it?
  4. Is there a book, brochure, leaflet, link, I could send/give to them? (If so, details please.)
  5. I realize I’m not the only one in this situation. Those who have been through it, how did you deal with it – before, during, after.
Thanks for your answers and prayers. God bless,
 
If he is your godson, do you have any communication with him directly? If you have contact with him, you should certainly urge him to marry in the Church. I would avoid second/third hand gossip on the situation.

There are many good Catholic books on marriage, including this one by Bishop Sheen.

amazon.com/Three-Get-Married-Fulton-Sheen/dp/0933932871
 
Thanks Paul.
I used to be fb friends with him but I deactivated my account. I could get his address from family. I did private message him about a somewhat related matter a while back, so while I will say something if I must, it could be awkward and perceived as “here we go again from religious relative…”

Can’t say it’s gossip as I only just learned the details yesterday as we were catching up with family. He was not there. The discussion was, “So how are the wedding plans going, mother-of-the groom?” and so on from there.
 
Some Catholics have very close relationships with their godparents and some don’t. Perhaps you fall into the latter category. Many godparents would consider it totally appropriate to offer religious or moral advice to their godchild. I suppose that it is up to you to decide if there is any realistic hope of your advice doing any good.
 
Here from Catholic Answers:

catholic.com/blog/jim-blackburn/should-i-attend-the-wedding-or-not

catholic.com/blog/jim-blackburn/more-on-wedding-attendance

Also from the Catechism:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:
  • by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
  • by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
  • by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
  • by protecting evil-doers.
scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V

And yes being the persons Godparent --brings with it additional responsibility… (now you know I am your Godmother …so get a nice coffee and sit back and lets talk …)

Truth with charity and with great gentleness.
 
Thanks (again) Paul and also Bookcat:

I do appreciate the links and the information. I have ordered some books for the couple and I pray to have the courage to send them when they arrive.

I admit I know what I need to do as godmother but the thought of doing so fills me with fear and trembling. It will cause a rift in the family, no matter how I say it (and I don’t say these things well, especially when it is a tense situation, as this is).

I guess in one respect it is fortunate that he is in the military, so I won’t see him much. The rest of the family…well, we all will need prayers too. So please, keep them coming.

God bless,
 
carmelitenovice said:
Thanks (again) Paul and also Bookcat:

I do appreciate the links and the information. I have ordered some books for the couple and I pray to have the courage to send them when they arrive.

I admit I know what I need to do as godmother but the thought of doing so fills me with fear and trembling. It will cause a rift in the family, no matter how I say it (and I don’t say these things well, especially when it is a tense situation, as this is).

I guess in one respect it is fortunate that he is in the military, so I won’t see him much. The rest of the family…well, we all will need prayers too. So please, keep them coming.

God bless,
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I would not attend or send any gift in celebration of the non-marriage (if it turns out to be such). Or approve in any way.

You will need to judge if there can be good results to your intervention -or there will be none and things just get worse…tis difficult.
 
Just to clarify : The books I referred to are on the Catholic view of marriage and the importance of marrying in the church rather than books celebrating a wedding.

I have no idea if what I say or do will do anything good or bad. I can only do the best I can and leave the rest to God. I do know that as godmother, I cannot do nothing, hard as it may be. I’m sad though that others who are closer to the couple have apparently said nothing and don’t seem inclined to do so for fear of rocking the boat.
 
Just know that there will be repercussions if you decide to not attend the wedding. Long term ones that will affect your relationships with all of your family for years.
 
I was in a similar situation.

Yes, you say something, but you say it in person. Call him up and talk to him. You are his godmother, so even though he is a grown man, you have standing to raise questions about his religious obligations that your other siblings do not. You can also hazard his wrath in a way that his parents are not willing to do, lest they disaffect their son and his new wife. If he gets upset with you for a few years, after all, you will live through it. Still, as he is a grown man, you call to raise questions, not to dictate. Inform his conscience, if it is in error, encourage him to do the right thing if he knows it and has not.

First of all, it is a good thing that he is finally electing to marry, since he’s been living with his girlfriend out of wedlock. Provided they are both free to marry, his marriage is a step in the right direction. That is the big picture. Therefore, your call ought to start with congratulations for his engagement. It is too late to inquire about whether he courted a fellow Catholic. If you were going to raise that question, you ought to have done it sooner. It is water under the bridge now.

Ask if he has gone to his Catholic chaplain to talk to him about preparing for his impending marriage. If so, you can stop with your inquiries, as he has told you that he has given his pastor an opportunity to do that bit of spring cleaning. Just be pleased to hear it and express your desire to be at the wedding. If the wedding is not conducted according to Hoyle, that will be on his pastor’s head. Besides, you’re not likely to intervene successfully about something his pastor is willing to allow.

What if he has not contacted his chaplain? Encourage him to do it.

If you’re going to offer fraternal correction within your standing as his godmother, start from the ground up. Does he still attend Mass regularly? If so, express pleasure to hear that. If not, urge him to do so as you would urge him to do any healthy thing that he needs. You can put it just that way–if you weren’t taking care of your body or neglecting your duties as a soldier, your officers would tell you to fix that. I’m your godmother, it is my job to check that you’re going to Mass and that you still go to confession. You are a grown man, you’ll do what you’re going to do, but a grown man can endure a reminder about his religious duties, wouldn’t you say? Of course you can.

What if he has left the Church? Obviously, he’s going to expect that his godmother will express dismay over that. You are the “religious one”; he’ll expect no less from you. Remain kind and caring, and you will not go wrong.

In that case–that is, if you can’t get him to self-identify as Catholic–the chances that you will get him to marry according to canon law are about nil. I think I’d express pleasure that he is marrying, go to the wedding, and start urging him to return to the Church afterwards. When he goes back, his pastor will have to do the work of getting his marriage situation attended to. (If he is marrying someone he is not free to marry, you ought to say so.)

If you have had this conversation and have no luck in getting him to do what he ought to do, you will have at least encouraged him to do it. He will have lost ground to stand on for rationalization. Look at this as an ongoing work. Rome is not torn down nor built up again in a day. Pray for him, and keep at him gently. He will not get the impression that you’re giving approval to Catholics marrying outside the Church, but he will also not feel you are taking it upon yourself to shun him on behalf of Rome. He’ll know you only want him back.

If you go to the wedding, even if it is not according to canon law, you’ll preserve a relationship from which to encourage him to return to his life in the Church. Provided you encourage him to marry according to canon law in the first place, I would not look at going to the wedding as tacit approval. You may want to talk to your own pastor about it, but I think this is the most likely way to get him to at least return in time to have his children baptized, his marriage eventually made regular, and his children raised in the faith, after all. That is the goal, so keep that in mind.

If the marriage is not likely to even be a candidate for convalidation, that is a trickier situation. Talk to your pastor about it. If you cannot go, by all means express sorrow about it, love for him, and dismay that your hands are tied. After all, if his sister were marrying a fellow that was already legally married, he would not go, right? IOW, if he were in the same situation, he’d be stuck as you are. His sister would have to act according to her conscience, but that wouldn’t free him not to act according to his. Still, that is something to talk to your pastor about, because he’ll be able to ask you more detailed questions than we can here.
 
Thank you Cheese and especially Easterjoy.
I do realize, Cheese, that not attending will create a huge rift. Likewise, anything I say or dowill have repercussions. As I said, I have ordered some books that I think will provide food for thought. I will wait until they arrive and I have prayerfully reviewed them.

Because of circumstances, I will likely send him a carefully and lovingly worded letter going roughly by your comments EasterJoy. I already know his Mass attendance is limited because the nearest one is 45 minutes away and he can’t always get away from base that long. Therefore a chaplain is not likely in the picture. As I understand, the wedding is currently planned for another state than where the couple lives. Sigh.

Again thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut and prayers.
 
carmelitenovice said:
Thank you Cheese and especially Easterjoy.
I do realize, Cheese, that not attending will create a huge rift. Likewise, anything I say or dowill have repercussions. As I said, I have ordered some books that I think will provide food for thought. I will wait until they arrive and I have prayerfully reviewed them.

Because of circumstances, I will likely send him a carefully and lovingly worded letter going roughly by your comments EasterJoy. I already know his Mass attendance is limited because the nearest one is 45 minutes away and he can’t always get away from base that long. Therefore a chaplain is not likely in the picture. As I understand, the wedding is currently planned for another state than where the couple lives. Sigh.

Again thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut and prayers.
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Letters so often turn out to have so many unintended consequences. Try personal real-time contact, if it is at all possible. Even texting, where you go back and forth in real time, is better than a long homily set to paper.
 
Are you an actual Carmelite novice? An oblate? For heaven’s sake, ask your spiritual director!
 
@EasterJoy:

I do appreciate your comments. They are very helpful.

I am a Third Order Secular Discalced Carmelite but I don’t really have a spiritual director per se. I may be speaking to my pastor about this matter; he’s really good and think he’d be able to help.

As to phone/text/in person conversations, none of those are really an option, though I do understand what you mean about them. He is across the country from me and from what I understand he works very long hours, not getting home until I’ve long been asleep. And the matter seems to me to be far too serious to subject to a text message even if I had his phone number. So the carefully worded loving letter seems to be the best bet.

I really, really do appreciate your insight and prayers though.

God bless,
 
When I was young I did a bunch of stuff that no one told me was wrong and if someone would have said something And what could be the consequence I would have been willing to listen
 
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