Prayers to know what to say!

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nana3

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HI everyone, I have been asked by a desparate husband to speak to his wife. They have been separated for months now and she took the kids and moved to another state. She is in town now to sell everything in the house in an estate sale for money for the kids to go to school. The husband allows her full access of their checking account and she is withdrawing lots of money, so he doesn’t understand. He also wants to know what is her thinking process and if he is headed for divorce. He said that right now she hates every man and doesn’t have anyone to challenge her. She puts all the blame on her husband and he admits he messed up big time and has asked for forgiveness, but she has not accepted it. She also is dealing with some issues of her childhood. It is a mess. I really don’t want to get involved, but the husband called us tonight and started talking to my dh. I told dh that I will not go over to their house and interfere. The husband begged my dh to ask me to pray about it and see if the Lord wants me to talk to her. I ended up talking to him. He did say his wife is very angry and bitter. She is holding on to the past. I don’t know what to say. I guess I will just listen and if the Lord wants me to tell her something, the Holy Spirit will give me the words.

Please pray that I can be an instrument of the Lord to heal this marriage. They have been married for 15 years and have four children. She miscarried another. All I know is that one of the husband’s brother said that he messed up big with his wife. The husband wants me to talk to her about forgiveness and moving on. He wants to know where he stands and if he has a chance to save this marriage and if not, he wants to know.

Pray for this marriage and for me to be able to talk to the wife and say the right words or just be a listening ear. I will say that the husband finally disclosed why his wife won’t allow him to see the kids alone. He was sexually molested as a child and she feels he could do the say to his kids. He hasn’t in the last 15 years, so I don’t know why she is concerned of that, unless the husband is not telling me the whole trust.

Keep them and me in your prayer. I will most likely be speaking to her on Wednesday or Thrusday. She has the estate sell on Friday and that would not be a good day to talk.
 
I pray that the Holy Spirit will give you wisdom and prudence in your dealings with this woman and her family. Peace be with you, and God bless!
 
This is a difficult situation for all involved- I will have you, Nana, as well as their family in my prayers. Perhaps plead to their child in heaven to intercede.
 
I pray that he will speak with his priest and get an attorney to advise him. Not in that order.
 
ghaybyers1 said:
This is a difficult situation for all involved- I will have you, Nana, as well as their family in my prayers. Perhaps plead to their child in heaven to intercede.
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I will do that. I will also ask the husband’s brother who is a priest and died many years ago. He said he has asked his brother and father’s intercession. His dad died two years ago. His brother, I think, died 8 years ago.
 
mercygate said:
I pray that he will speak with his priest and get an attorney to advise him. Not in that order.
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He is seeing a priest on a regular basis for counseling and spiritual direction. He won’t speak to an attorney for he knows what the attorney will say and he won’t do anything to upset his wife because he doesn’t want a divorce. She is selling everything in the house, including the bed he needs to sleep on and is having no pity on him. He is just allowing it. She is not selling her things or the kids, but putting them in storage until she can afford to have them brought up to the state she is now living in.

She is going to be in for a rude awakening if he ever decides to get an attorney for she is not allowed to leave the state with the kids and not allow him to see them. She is always with them if he visits them. The oldest child, the son, is very angry at his mother. My dh talked with her today and she said that now her son is accepting things, but that is not what the dad says. I don’t know who is lying. All I know is that she refuses to talk to the priest here in Florida and get counseling for them both. The priest is a good friend of the family and he has called her many times and she won’t return his calls.
 
nana3 said:
He is seeing a priest on a regular basis for counseling and spiritual direction. He won’t speak to an attorney for he knows what the attorney will say.
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He can’t know what an attorney would say until he talks to an attorney.
and he won’t do anything to upset his wife because he doesn’t want a divorce.
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It hardly seems possible that she could be more “upset” than she already is.
She is selling everything in the house, including the bed he needs to sleep on and is having no pity on him. He is just allowing it. She is not selling her things or the kids, but putting them in storage until she can afford to have them brought up to the state she is now living in.
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This is something for an attorney to deal with.
She is going to be in for a rude awakening if he ever decides to get an attorney for she is not allowed to leave the state with the kids and not allow him to see them. She is always with them if he visits them. The oldest child, the son, is very angry at his mother. My dh talked with her today and she said that now her son is accepting things, but that is not what the dad says. I don’t know who is lying. All I know is that she refuses to talk to the priest here in Florida and get counseling for them both. The priest is a good friend of the family and he has called her many times and she won’t return his calls.
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You sound like you are way over your head in this relationship and are not in a position to give this guy good advice. I wonder that the priest has not been more concrete (maybe he has but, as you say, this fellow has his own ideas). Sometimes a person like this woman who learns that the guy KNOWS his legal rights will stop her destructive behavior because she’s been found out.
 
Mercygate, I agree with your last statement, but she has told him to get an attorney if he doesn’t like things as they are. She is setting the rules and he is abiding by them.

I did talk to her today. She gives a completely different story than he does. She calls him a liar and that he has been lying since before their marriage. She is mostly speaking about his addiction to porn and that he did not tell her before marriage that he had this problem. She said she has grounds for an annulment. She told me a lot today of their marital problems and if and I say if, they are all true, I don’t blame her for her action. I don’t think she should take the kids away from their father and if she feels he needs supervised visitation, than do so legally. So I think I believe more the husband than her, but either way, they have major problems in their marriage and trust has been broken. I did ask her if reconciliation is possible and she said no. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said that she did not want to talk about that. I made the mistake and I know it was a mistake, of telling her that her husband called me to see if I would talk to her to see where he stands because they are not speaking to each other. She found that horrible and that he is using me, his friend, and seeing it as a control issue problem. I just told her that I just saw it as a desperate man trying to see if his marriage had a chance. I told her to talk to him and she said she does, but it is not about the marriage. She said that they have been 14 different times to counseling and she is over talking. She sees it has he needs help and he needs to work on things.

When I talked to the husband, I could not tell him everything she said out of respect for her for she doesn’t want him to know what we talked about. I don’t know why, if he is aware of their problems, but I didn’t. He did ask me what I would do if I was him about the kids. I told him that put his marriage aside and I would fight to keep my kids need me. His plans is to sell the house and move closer to the kids, but when I mentioned that to his wife, she said, “Oh no he won’t, he better not.” She doesn’t want him near the kids at all. I wonder if I should tell the husband about that? He is looking for a job up there now for he wants to be near his kids.

In short, I don’t know who is lying and who is telling the truth. Some is easily proven, like her saying he doesn’t give her money, a bank statement can prove that, but other things can’t. I just told them both, we will pray for them. It is up to them to fix their marriage.
 
nana3 said:
Mercygate, I agree with your last statement, but she has told him to get an attorney if he doesn’t like things as they are. She is setting the rules and he is abiding by them.

I did talk to her today. She gives a completely different story than he does. She calls him a liar and that he has been lying since before their marriage. She is mostly speaking about his addiction to porn and that he did not tell her before marriage that he had this problem. She said she has grounds for an annulment. She told me a lot today of their marital problems and if and I say if, they are all true, I don’t blame her for her action. I don’t think she should take the kids away from their father and if she feels he needs supervised visitation, than do so legally. So I think I believe more the husband than her, but either way, they have major problems in their marriage and trust has been broken. I did ask her if reconciliation is possible and she said no. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said that she did not want to talk about that. I made the mistake and I know it was a mistake, of telling her that her husband called me to see if I would talk to her to see where he stands because they are not speaking to each other. She found that horrible and that he is using me, his friend, and seeing it as a control issue problem. I just told her that I just saw it as a desperate man trying to see if his marriage had a chance. I told her to talk to him and she said she does, but it is not about the marriage. She said that they have been 14 different times to counseling and she is over talking. She sees it has he needs help and he needs to work on things.

When I talked to the husband, I could not tell him everything she said out of respect for her for she doesn’t want him to know what we talked about. I don’t know why, if he is aware of their problems, but I didn’t. He did ask me what I would do if I was him about the kids. I told him that put his marriage aside and I would fight to keep my kids need me. His plans is to sell the house and move closer to the kids, but when I mentioned that to his wife, she said, “Oh no he won’t, he better not.” She doesn’t want him near the kids at all. I wonder if I should tell the husband about that? He is looking for a job up there now for he wants to be near his kids.

In short, I don’t know who is lying and who is telling the truth. Some is easily proven, like her saying he doesn’t give her money, a bank statement can prove that, but other things can’t. I just told them both, we will pray for them. It is up to them to fix their marriage.
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You can always expect to end up being on the outs with BOTH halves of a couple when you try to get in between them.

If the guy is complaining to you that the wife is taking advantage of him but won’t get an attorney and “lets her set the rules” – that should tell you a LOT.

YES: There are always two sides to a story. Usually neither side is very realistic. How do I know this? I have spent a large part of my career dealing with allegations of scientific misconduct and serving on the harassment committee at a medical school.

My advice: get out of the middle and let these two fight their own battle. You might recommend Retrouvaille on your way out.
 
mercygate said:
You can always expect to end up being on the outs with BOTH halves of a couple when you try to get in between them.

If the guy is complaining to you that the wife is taking advantage of him but won’t get an attorney and “lets her set the rules” – that should tell you a LOT.

YES: There are always two sides to a story. Usually neither side is very realistic. How do I know this? I have spent a large part of my career dealing with allegations of scientific misconduct and serving on the harassment committee at a medical school.

My advice: get out of the middle and let these two fight their own battle. You might recommend Retrouvaille on your way out.
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He is not complaining that she is taking advantage of him, we are the ones that see this and the rest of his family. He doesn’t see it that way. He sees it as supporting his family no matter what. His only statement is that he doesn’t understand why she feels that she has to sell everything in the house to make money, when she is withdrawing constanting, and large amounts, from their checking account. He doesn’t have enough to pay the mortgage of the house and it is going into forecloser. He has not said anything negative about her except to put the blame on him and that he has messed up and is sorry and wants to try again to work things out. She on the other hand, has said a lot of negative things about him, if they are true.

Like you said, there are two sides and both sees their side as the truth and it is what they believe.

We will pray for them, but I plan to write to him and her tonight and tell them that we will be praying for their marriage and the best interest of the children but don’t want to be put in the middle of it. I don’t want to be mean and not be there for them either, so if one of them needs to vent, I am here, but I won’t do what they asked this time and that is to report on what the other is thinking. Anyway, she told me much more than what I told him, and he doesn’t realize that she has plans to come back to him. She kept saying after everything she told me, “and don’t tell him.” Some of it, she claims he knows, so why the big secret?

Oh, well, I am not a marriage counselor and in no position to give advice. I have my own marital problems to deal with. I will just email the them and tell them we will keep them in our prayers.

They have tried Retrovaille and a non denominational Marrriage conference. I guess it didn’t help for the long run.

I will say the kids look happier. The dad admits they are since they don’t have to hear mom and dad fighting and that is why he has allowed her to move out of state to make them happy. The oldest son misses his dad though.
 
I am asking all of you who have responded to continue to pray for this couple. Something is not right with the wife. I think I believe the dad or husband more now. She told me in her list of complaints that the two houses that they have are only in her name because her husband’s credit is so bad that he did not qualify. I just check that out and it is a lie. They are both owners of the two houses. She lied about more that I also found out about. I think I will if I can help him more than her. She did something terrible again tonight too. She knew that her husband was coming home tonight at 7:30 p.m. and I was there when he said it to her. She told her two girls before her husband got home that they could go and spend the night at a girlfriends house. This is the last night that he could be with his kids before they go up North. She also told the girls, “Go ahead but when your father gets home, he will probably come and get you.” Sure enough that is what he did and he was told by the girls what their mother said and he was so sadden, he just let them stay at their friends house. She told me that she was not turning the kids against him, but it seems so.

Please pray for the husband. He wonders if he should ordered a psychological testing for his wife. I told him that has to be ordered by a judge. I feel so bad for him tonight. He sounded almost as if he was going to cry. Please keep him in your prayers tonight. What is so upseting to him is that she is acting as if nothing is wrong and won’t talk to him about their issues.
 
Kevin42 said:
I pray that the Holy Spirit will give you wisdom and prudence in your dealings with this woman and her family. Peace be with you, and God bless!
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Amen.

Holy Spirit, please comfort the husband and bring into the light what is needful for the wife’s spiritual and mental healing. Please bring her to honesty and stability. Holy Spirit please enter into the hearts and minds of this couple to heal and renew them and their marriage.
 
Your prayers are working. I had a long talk yesterday with the wife, after the husband called us begging us to come to their house that night to talk to them both. I told him, we are not marriage counselors, but I did as he requested and called her. She was upset at first, for we were the four person to call to meet with them. Two of the others were priest. She said no to all of us. She said that she is done talking. I think what I said to her about having another impartial person there was useful for she agreed at the last moment to meet with some friends of theirs who are leaders in Retrovaille. She reveal a lot of what their marriage was like from her perspective. I agreed with her that her husband needed counseling and maybe medication.

The husband saw a lawyer who told him yesterday that things that she was doing demonstrates that she wants a divorce. She told me yesterday that she never had a valid Sacramental marriage. Her husband is addicted to porn and has been all through their married life, 15 years, and still is. He admitted to me that he has been for 40 years. He is in a support group and says he has not seen porn for 6 months now and that he really wants to, but when he wants to, he calls his accountable friends from the group.

Anyway, he called us last night after the meeting and said he will let things go for now and work on himself. He got that advise from the Retrovaille couple. So his kids will be leaving tomorrow up north. The unusual thing is that she called me this morning, but I missed her call. She told me in her message that she wants to talk to me and that she met with the retrovaille couple last night and wanted to tell me how it went. I called her back, but had to leave a message too.

Thats so much for your prayers. All I can say is that this couple has four children. One of the deepest problem is trust and addictions. There is also a financial problem due to his bad investments and excessive expense on porn throughout the years. He is providing for the wife and kids with more than what she would get if he filed for a divorce. He does not want to do that and will go against his lawyers advice. The lawyer said if he wants to keep his kids in Florida, he had to file first. He still has hope that it could work. This retrovaille couple has been through worse than they are going through. Pray for the wife to be open minded and see the changes her husband has made and pray for the husband to be faithful and strong and not true to porn anymore. It may take time for 40 years is a long time on this addiction.

Thanks for your prayers for this couple. They are both hurting and the kids are hurting so much too. Keep them in your prayers too. God bless.
 
nana3 said:
Your prayers are working. I had a long talk yesterday with the wife, after the husband called us begging us to come to their house that night to talk to them both. I told him, we are not marriage counselors, but I did as he requested and called her. She was upset at first, for we were the four person to call to meet with them. Two of the others were priest. She said no to all of us. She said that she is done talking. I think what I said to her about having another impartial person there was useful for she agreed at the last moment to meet with some friends of theirs who are leaders in Retrovaille. She reveal a lot of what their marriage was like from her perspective. I agreed with her that her husband needed counseling and maybe medication.

The husband saw a lawyer who told him yesterday that things that she was doing demonstrates that she wants a divorce. She told me yesterday that she never had a valid Sacramental marriage. Her husband is addicted to porn and has been all through their married life, 15 years, and still is. He admitted to me that he has been for 40 years. He is in a support group and says he has not seen porn for 6 months now and that he really wants to, but when he wants to, he calls his accountable friends from the group.

Anyway, he called us last night after the meeting and said he will let things go for now and work on himself. He got that advise from the Retrovaille couple. So his kids will be leaving tomorrow up north. The unusual thing is that she called me this morning, but I missed her call. She told me in her message that she wants to talk to me and that she met with the retrovaille couple last night and wanted to tell me how it went. I called her back, but had to leave a message too.

Thats so much for your prayers. All I can say is that this couple has four children. One of the deepest problem is trust and addictions. There is also a financial problem due to his bad investments and excessive expense on porn throughout the years. He is providing for the wife and kids with more than what she would get if he filed for a divorce. He does not want to do that and will go against his lawyers advice. The lawyer said if he wants to keep his kids in Florida, he had to file first. He still has hope that it could work. This retrovaille couple has been through worse than they are going through. Pray for the wife to be open minded and see the changes her husband has made and pray for the husband to be faithful and strong and not true to porn anymore. It may take time for 40 years is a long time on this addiction.

Thanks for your prayers for this couple. They are both hurting and the kids are hurting so much too. Keep them in your prayers too. God bless.
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I promised myself I would not post on this thread again, since it is so far beyond what anybody can do or recommend in this format that it is futile. But I am glad that I read your post. It is true that Retrouvaille has produced miracles.
 
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