Praying For Forgiveness

[Vinchenzo]

My wife and I have been separated since May.Oct will will be married for 20 years.I have 5 beautiful children.and life for them and myself right now is turned inside out.this has just ripped our family apart.I have come to terms with being a majority of the blame.I have been involved with alcohol and marijuana.I have had anger issues but was never violent or abusive.I drifted away from the church.and I became deeply depressed after the loss of my father.but I have made improvements.I have been clean and sober for 9 months.I have been in therapy for a year and have recently been taken off anti-depressants.I gave up cigarettes 18 months ago.and I have strengthened my love and faith in Jesus Christ.but the I have yet to receive forgiveness from my wife.I have tried to get her to go to retrovaille but it has been unsuccessful.at this point I believe she has given up on our marriage and family.we did go to a Marriage Encounter about 2 years ago and it did help but shortly after that I lost my Father and was in a serious auto accident on the way to the viewing.and the rest just came tumbling down.the thing that really confuses me is she is a devoted catholic.she teaches religious classes.very active in the church, yet seems like the vows we took were just words…but I guess if anyone would have any advice our wisdom to share I would appreciate it.and also include my family in your prayers

Thank You
God Bless

 

[Trishie]

Vinchenzo, I have seen, and know, that marriage breakup, especially when you’re not the person who chose the separation, is nothing less than ongoing torture.

Vinchenzo it’s very difficult for you if your wife feels that she and the children have a better chance of a settled life without you. You do know that many people have traumatic experiences without turning to alcohol and drugs? My brother, for instance, burned to death in a car crash in 2002. My little brother whose last words to me had been, “I love you, Trishie.” I could singe your eyebrows with stories, even from my own family, and yet it wasn’t necessary to turn to substances that left you not yourself and therefore not present to your family.

Basically it would seem that your wife’s trust in you may have been so badly shaken that she can’t regard any turnaround as being trustworthy. Your behaviour let you, your wife, and your children down, and your wife may be so uncomfortable about what your children may have witnessed or absorbed, or could witness and absorb, that she may feel she can’t take the risk as she has great responsibility to the children. She may feel that you let them down but she can’t let them down, even if that means not having you around the house. If a woman has to choose between husband and the welfare of her young children nine times out of ten she’s going to choose the children. I have what I always called ‘the tigress instinct’ where my children were comcerned, because it is such a fierce love, gentle certainly, but it is, I think, a tigress instinct for many mothers.

I will pray for you. I am terribly sorry about what has happened in your family. And I’m really sorry also about your own position. One of the worst sufferings we can have is dealing with the consequences of our own bad behaviour.

It’s wonderful that you have begun to heal the damage you’ve done to yourself. Your best chance is to quietly keep cleaning your life up and growing stronger. If you revert, you’ve only done what is feared. If you keep trying and persist in remaining alcohol and drug free, and respectful and balanced, then there may come a time that your wife will trust you again. She’s not disrespecting Marriage, she has simply made an assessment that the marriage is damaging her and the children. She’s recognised the limit of what is reasonable for her to carry. It’s not easy to rebuild trust.

I’m basically very kind so it bothers me to be a little brutal. I do hope and pray you will continue to work on the good changes you have begun. You need to for your own sake. And you need to so that your children can grow up respecting you.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and heart.
Please take good care of yourself, and I pray you will continuing asking God’s help and seeking God as your dearest companion.

 

[Serap]

Vinchenzo, I have seen, and know, that marriage breakup, especially when you’re not the person who chose the separation, is nothing less than ongoing torture.

Vinchenzo it’s very difficult for you if your wife feels that she and the children have a better chance of a settled life without you. You do know that many people have traumatic experiences without turning to alcohol and drugs? My brother, for instance, burned to death in a car crash in 2002. My little brother whose last words to me had been, “I love you, Trishie.” I could singe your eyebrows with stories, even from my own family, and yet it wasn’t necessary to turn to substances that left you not yourself and therefore not present to your family.

Basically it would seem that your wife’s trust in you may have been so badly shaken that she can’t regard any turnaround as being trustworthy. Your behaviour let you, your wife, and your children down, and your wife may be so uncomfortable about what your children may have witnessed or absorbed, or could witness and absorb, that she may feel she can’t take the risk as she has great responsibility to the children. She may feel that you let them down but she can’t let them down, even if that means not having you around the house. If a woman has to choose between husband and the welfare of her young children nine times out of ten she’s going to choose the children. I have what I always called ‘the tigress instinct’ where my children were comcerned, because it is such a fierce love, gentle certainly, but it is, I think, a tigress instinct for many mothers.

I will pray for you. I am terribly sorry about what has happened in your family. And I’m really sorry also about your own position. One of the worst sufferings we can have is dealing with the consequences of our own bad behaviour.

It’s wonderful that you have begun to heal the damage you’ve done to yourself. Your best chance is to quietly keep cleaning your life up and growing stronger. If you revert, you’ve only done what is feared. If you keep trying and persist in remaining alcohol and drug free, and respectful and balanced, then there may come a time that your wife will trust you again. She’s not disrespecting Marriage, she has simply made an assessment that the marriage is damaging her and the children. She’s recognised the limit of what is reasonable for her to carry. It’s not easy to rebuild trust.

I’m basically very kind so it bothers me to be a little brutal. I do hope and pray you will continue to work on the good changes you have begun. You need to for your own sake. And you need to so that your children can grow up respecting you.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and heart.
Please take good care of yourself, and I pray you will continuing asking God’s help and seeking God as your dearest companion.

What a great response! Trishie…as usual you are full of great wisdom.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Vinchenzo, I have seen, and know, that marriage breakup, especially when you’re not the person who chose the separation, is nothing less than ongoing torture.

Vinchenzo it’s very difficult for you if your wife feels that she and the children have a better chance of a settled life without you. You do know that many people have traumatic experiences without turning to alcohol and drugs? My brother, for instance, burned to death in a car crash in 2002. My little brother whose last words to me had been, “I love you, Trishie.” I could singe your eyebrows with stories, even from my own family, and yet it wasn’t necessary to turn to substances that left you not yourself and therefore not present to your family.

Basically it would seem that your wife’s trust in you may have been so badly shaken that she can’t regard any turnaround as being trustworthy. Your behaviour let you, your wife, and your children down, and your wife may be so uncomfortable about what your children may have witnessed or absorbed, or could witness and absorb, that she may feel she can’t take the risk as she has great responsibility to the children. She may feel that you let them down but she can’t let them down, even if that means not having you around the house. If a woman has to choose between husband and the welfare of her young children nine times out of ten she’s going to choose the children. I have what I always called ‘the tigress instinct’ where my children were comcerned, because it is such a fierce love, gentle certainly, but it is, I think, a tigress instinct for many mothers.

I will pray for you. I am terribly sorry about what has happened in your family. And I’m really sorry also about your own position. One of the worst sufferings we can have is dealing with the consequences of our own bad behaviour.

It’s wonderful that you have begun to heal the damage you’ve done to yourself. Your best chance is to quietly keep cleaning your life up and growing stronger. If you revert, you’ve only done what is feared. If you keep trying and persist in remaining alcohol and drug free, and respectful and balanced, then there may come a time that your wife will trust you again. She’s not disrespecting Marriage, she has simply made an assessment that the marriage is damaging her and the children. She’s recognised the limit of what is reasonable for her to carry. It’s not easy to rebuild trust.

I’m basically very kind so it bothers me to be a little brutal. I do hope and pray you will continue to work on the good changes you have begun. You need to for your own sake. And you need to so that your children can grow up respecting you.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and heart.
Please take good care of yourself, and I pray you will continuing asking God’s help and seeking God as your dearest companion.

Great advise Trishie, full of information, love and truth!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

*Trishie, your post is awesome! Really…that is great insight and advice!

To the OP–I’m sorry you’re struggling. Your wife DID take her vows seriously, but during your marriage, you actually caused the unsettledness in your marriage. I know you know this, and while now you have changed, sometimes people build walls up so they don’t keep repeatedly getting hurt over and over. It sounds like in order for your wife to cope with the volatility of your behaviors, and the marriage–she built some walls, and is now somewhat guarded. I don’t think it’s lack of love, as much as lack of trust that things won’t “crumble” again. Forgiveness is not so much about forgetting the past, as much as it is trusting in the future, and letting go of the hurt and pain. I hope that your wife will be able to forgive you at some point, and that your marriage can be reconciled. I just don’t want you feeling like she didn’t take her vows seriously…she did. But, we are human, and we can only take so much, before we build walls. Your task is to break down the wall that she built to guard herself from you.

You have to basically prove again to her…that it’s ‘safe to love you.’ I hope things work out, you and she will be in my prayers. *

 

[iluvmybabies]

It happened between my exhusband and myself except we were only together for 10 years and he didn’t drink or do drugs to an over dose extent but he was a party animal…The reasons were not about the drugs or alcohol abuse it was because he was full of lies and deceipt no matter how much I allowed him back in the more he hurt and manipulated me and the worst things got to the point that my children were hurt… no one understood what I was going through and I was damned from the moment I said I was leaving him…No one cared about my struggles and how much I fought to get this man to love and to really love us all his family…It didn’t work… I begged him to try counseling I begged him to do things for himself that would help him be a better father and husband I never stopped until I couldn’t take it any more…all of the stress he caused left a never ending chain that has caused me hairloss but who cared right…WRONG I cared and GOD cared…GOD gave me the strength and the ability to leave that unhealthy relationship which was not even blessed through GOD because he wouldn’t get married through the church…The need to get out and to want something better, to give my children more peace led me to where I am today…They are healthy, strong and have no negativity around them except when they disobey and don’t do what they are supposed to do but what can I say that’s kids for ya!!!

Anyhow, the point is that after so many tries and begs about him changing and me threatening to leave if he didn’t do something, and him not changing, well the fire and the strength dies, the want and the wishing disappears, and the hopes and dreams are no more… The love just diminishes especially when you are seeing your own health taking a toll…BUT we were not married through the church because he didn’t want to that meant to me that I was not worth enough for him to respect our Catholic beliefs in marriage through the church…SO I left…

But you and your wife are married through the church, and you have GOD’s blessing and that is more important than anything…After all the lies and deceits if my ex and I would have been married through the church I would have continuously worked for it…at least stayed…And I think that’s what your wife is doing…just staying for the sake of the kids and if she’s not trying to stay then just let her know you are there for her…AND this time mean it, don’t lie to her any more…Show her you are changing, don’t just wait till it’s too late and then try to do something, do it now while you still have her around! It doesn’t matter if she’s being stubborn, spend time with the kids, take them out to the park, if they are older then take them to the movies, support them in the sports they like, take them shopping, etc. Spend time talking with them letting them know how much they mean to you and that you are doing this not just for yourself but for them because you love them. When she sees you doing all this I bet it will spark something back. Through a sacred marriage I believe anything is possible especially since I know she still loves you and you love her…

Just hang in there and don’t give up. The more time you spend with your family the better the chances are that you might reignite the spark that has gone down…Pray for guidance and I know GOD will listen.

Take care and GOD bless!

 

[Vinchenzo]

o.k maybe I should elaborate a little more into the entire situation.it seems the jury came out a little quick on this.by no means am I proud or looking for justification for my actions.yes there are far more tragedies in the world then mine and yes I did make my choices.I am the child of an abusive alcoholic father (not an excuse).but I forgave.8 months into our marriage my wife had an affair.but I forgave.on several occasions my wife came home to drunk to walk while the children waited for her.but I forgave.on occasion my wife has not come home at all.but I forgave.there has been inappropriate behavior with male friends not that I don’t trust her but why put yourself in that position especially if it makes your spouse uncomfortable.and this is where most of my anger issues arose from mostly frustration.but I forgave.
I did not want to make this a long post.I was just looking for guidance and help.yes my actions where wrong and I am not proud of them but I have made changes for the better of my family.and I have no problem facing up to them.It does bother me though that we are having a hard time moving forward and her hesitance to try and improve our marriage.we are both somewhat to blame and yes we are both human.

I do appreciate every bodies insight and opinion and Thanks

God Bless

 

[Trishie]

Thank you for elaborating. Sadly then the children are very much the victims, as they often are, (and were in your own case) with both parents having acted at times without maturity and consideration, and often failing to give good example, as you repent and regret. Having faced the sad trauma of losing your family you are willing to try, but your wife is not, so we will pray that your wife’s heart and mind can be moved to work for the best interests of your children and of the marriage. You asked for advice while only giving one side of the story, in trying to be charitable to your wife, which does make it difficult for others to respond accurately.

I feel great sadness that, in all that is taught in the schools and colleges, little teaching or guidance is given regarding human relations, and therefore, people frequently enter into marriage and parenthood without any real preparation, and without having developed emotional balance or having dealt with their baggage…yet in such a radically important part of life.

I’ll keep you, your wife, and your children in my prayers.