Praying for marriage, needing advice

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lilyvalley90

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Hi everyone.

I need prayers and advice for my relationship.

My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We have been dating a long time and have been through an extraordinary amount for a young couple including years of long distance and a parents’ death. We are in a chaste relationship and waiting for marriage.

We want to get married. In the past six months, marriage has become a reality that is very close (I am graduating this coming May). My boyfriend is a cradle Catholic and I am a convert. I am very passionate about my new faith and embrace all the teachings of the Church.

The main problem is that I want kids and a lot of them and he doesn’t. Right now at least. I would be happy with a honeymoon baby and he is terrified of that happening. He seems in general to have an extraordinary amount of anxiety about being a parent. I think it stems from the fact that he is in the military and when he gets out (of active duty in four years), he wants to head on a different career path. Something that is more creative and not as secure as the military. And I think he is terrified that if we have children before then, than he will be forced to find a 9-5 job he is miserable in. (no matter how much I assure him that we will do everything in our power so he is not forced to do that). If he wants to go to grad school even, he can use the GI bill. We will be responsible with money so that he has options. But when we talk about this it seems like there is a huge weight on him. I think this is because he wants to make me happy since he knows that it is my dream to be a mother but he just doesn’t “feel ready” for children. He has even said’ “Your life is over when you have kids” because everything in your life revolves around them. I tell him that is a secular way to see things, as first is God, then your spouse, then your children, then yourself. Honestly though I know he wants children eventually. He actually loves children and has even teared up while talking about having children together.

We have decided we will use NFP. He still is not completely on board with contraception teachings but he likes NFP and thinks it will be good for our marriage so it is kind of a non-issue. But it is still something I consider important and pray about. And it does affect the kids question even more. I have told him that I could wait until he gets out of the military to have kids (the serious condition being the nature of deployments and such, although honestly I don’t buy that). But after he gets out, there is no serious reason to avoid pregnancy. And I am very conflicted. Yes, I know I will want to be a mother. If God prevents us from having children because of infertility, I could accept that. But I know it it is becaus my husband doesn’t feel ready (which I do think is selfish), then I will be very upset because I do not want to go against God.

Recently, this issue has become extremely important. We are now both worried about our relationship. When he comes home for Labor Day, we are going to schedule an appointment with a priest to discuss this. but we both want this to work. As I said, we want to get married and love each other very much, but we want to be responsible at the same time.

Do you have any advice for me before we have this meeting?

Thank you. Please keep us in your prayers.
 
Advice ? No I am sorry I don’t have any. But I can perhaps shed a bit of light on where your BF is coming from.

I have never been married and honestly, it is because in a craddle Catholics mind, marriage = lots of kids. And, also, to someone who LOVES kids as if there is no tomorrow, lots of kids = taking good care of them.

Yes it is selfish and secular to think your life is over when you have kids. But there is also reality. Kids means a lot less time to do other things. I honestly think, most peopel don’t really think about how much of a commitment kids are. They just take things one day at a time and when the kids come they adjust their lives as necessary. But to a planner, they think about it a lot and sometimes (depending on their situation) wonder if they really could/want to make those sacrifices.

Yes, it is secular to not want more than a certain number of kids. But to a Catholic, not being married = no kids. And not being married and remaining celibate is a totally acceptable and Catholic option.

Does that shed light on how your BF perhaps could be thinking?

Also, I know you really love him. But sadly, you are being force to look not at your love but at God’s will. Is it God’s will to postpone marriage? Is it God’s will to break up? It doesn’t sound life your BF thinks it is God’s will to marry and have kids right now.

I do encourage you to speak with a priest. But you need to keep an open mind as well and not secretly hope, the priest will convince your BF having kids now is the way to go

CM
 
I think what he might be seeing is the responsibility to be placed on his shoulders. It is one way to look at the covenant he is going to make with you. It is a huge change and fear is a good thing. It might be good to see a counselor too.

One thing is for certain…you do not want him to hang on to the fear. He needs to find out why he really is so afraid.
 
You appear to be ready to marry and start a family but your fiancee, by hedging about wanting a family, is showing signs that he is not on the same page with you. That is the purpose of the engagement period–to talk things out and really pay attention to any “red flags” that may pop up, as in this case.

If you want to marry this person (as you indicate you do), you need to at least resolve the issue of having children before you get married, not after. Marriage is about give and take and while, opposites attract (personalities), major issues such as having a child should be a blend or compromise by both parties. Also, one of you may end up being resentful as there can only be one winner in the issue of having a family, and the marriage may suffer for it.

I pray that the Holy Spirt guide you through this area, as you move towards making one of the biggest decisions of your lives.

God Bless
 
I don’t think it’s just selfishness, his life is to some extent on hold in the military, and not until he leaves and envisages/establishes a path, he hasn’t even found himself yet. To be the good husband and father he wants to be, you may need to wait. He perhaps needs more time before he commits to marriage and fatherhood.

He isn’t incorrect regarding the potential impact of children within a marriage, so in that sense he is being realistic. Even if you are blessed with a quiet and peaceful child, babies and young ones needs do take stage center due to the child’s complete dependence on the parents. Some choices and decisions of parents must in fact be determined by their children’s needs. Your boyfriend may able to deal with the balance of thought required to marry and welcome children, and be prepared with you to make whatever sacrifices are called for, if any, after he leaves the military and at least sees hi way clear to a future within the wider community.

God bless you both. He sounds like a lovely guy who just needs some more time, in order that your marriage will be a balanced and equal one.
Four years may be a long time for you both, so hopefully your boyfriend can begin to overcome his natural fears soon.

I was the second eldest of nine surviving children. I knew the emotional cost of children, and as one of the eldest had a lot of natural responsibility. Even as a late teen, I recall saying to my mother, “Mum, I’m never going to get married and I’m never going to have children.” I did both, but not immediately. That didn’t mean either was easy. But I love my children dearly. They are the source of joy and sorrow in my life, more intense than any relationship. My prayers for you and your boyfriend.

My prayers that all will work out as it should for you and your boyfriend. 🙂
 
You don’t mention any of your own career plans, and if you plan on contributing to the family income.

You sound like you are ready to be a mother, and haven’t thought much beyond that, in terms of what you want out of life. Your fiance, on the other hand, needs to be ready to be a provider. That requires education, experience, and skills. It is normal to be concerned about not being able to grow your career the way you want to because you have a family…it sounds like he is actually being pretty realistic about the effect children might have on growing his career into something he will be able to joyfully do for decades.

I don’t know this, but there seems like at leas a possibility from your posts that you plan on being a stay at home mom, and having him be the sole, or very main provider of income. There is not a quick process for having that set up – it is one thing to be trained to do a job, and another to be on a path that would sustain a large family over the long term, esp. if the other spouse is not working, or only working very part time. It is easy to get trapped in a career that is tedious and unfulfilling, and a salary that may be fine for the two of you will not stretch as far for 4+ kids. Bigger car, no longer fit in 2 bedroom apartment, etc.

Him being able to set up a career he could sustain for decades, that would offer good opportunities for growth is a worth goal that will make certain aspects of your marriage much smoother. It will give your growing family many more options (perhaps the most important being staying home with your children without worrying about the electric bill getting paid, or be the difference between sending your kids to Catholic school vs public school in not the best neighborhood.) It might be worth delaying marriage for. You have plenty of time.

Best to you, congrats on your engagement.
 
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