Praying for people we have issues with

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Holland

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During Confession a priest told me I should pray for someone who has done harm to me and my family and will probably continue to do so in the future. Would someone please tell me how I can achieve the proper frame of mind to possibly do this? I really need some guidance here.
 
Forgive me if I’m off the mark with this reply, as I’m inferring a couple of things, possibly erroneously, from your brief post.

I’m not sure it requires a proper frame of mind as such - that may be putting the cart before the horse. I’d think that all you need to do is to ask God to take them into his care - you could be more specific if they have a specific need, I’m sure, but I don’t know the particulars.

If you’re angry or hurt it might be that you don’t feel sincere in praying for their welfare, so you would, as you say, not be in a right frame of mind, but we can ask God for things even if we can’t muster complete sincerity and love. If we were always in the right frame of mind, we wouldn’t need to pray - we’d be saints already! Praying is how you get in the right frame of mind, and eventually, even if our prays start grudgingly or painfully, we can find ourselves at a point where we have been healed of our resentment and in a better position to reconcile with those who have hurt us.
 
What has helped me and hard to do I admit, is pray for my attitude towards that person. Sometimes your attitude needs to change.
 
You are right Statius, praying is how we get to that right frame of mind but I am having a hard time getting there. Your statements have made me realize that after 10 years of dealing with this person with the difficulties having no end in sight I have lost hope. It is hard to pray when you don’t have any hope of things getting better. Thanks. At least I know what the problem is now.
 
I read the thread about forgiveness. Thanks James. It first I thought it had too much soap opera stuff in it but the interaction between you and Spockrates was good. Thanks again.
 
Holland said:
I read the thread about forgiveness. Thanks James. It first I thought it had too much soap opera stuff in it but the interaction between you and Spockrates was good. Thanks again.
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Glad to be of help.

Peace
James
 
This prayer has always helped me in this kind of situation:

O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!

It changes my disposition very quickly. I think it’s because by saying this short prayer, I immediately remind myself that my lack of loving attitude is because I’m a sinner, therefore I need the help of Mary in order to change, I can’t just do it myself. This prayer immediately calms me down and gives me an intention to pray for the good of the other person.
 
Holland, praying for those we “dislike” or even “detest” is a central challenge for many of us. One needs to come to grips with the difference between “love” as a feeling and “love” as an active verb. God principally works through people, not through direct intervention. We are channels or mirrors of God’s grace and love. If you try, he WILL help you. Note, that’s not a “might” it’s a “will.” God does not make mistakes, and God loves all of us.

So, my advice is just to pray for this person, daily. A good prayer is to ask God to provide him with the same grace that you are asking for yourself. Phrase the request in your own way. Some say, “fake it until you make it!” Pray daily for this person (don’t try to take on too many people at once). In your prayer, ask God for the grace to make a sincere prayer for this person. This has always worked for me. Often it takes several weeks before I honestly find myself wishing the other well, but it happens.
 
I had just such a person in my life a few years ago. I knew the right thing was to pray for her, but what to pray that wouldn’t feel so fake? I finally settled on praying that God’s will be perfectly fulfilled in her. At the beginning, it almost had the feel of revenge, because she was surely so wrong and bad and deserved for God to straighten her out - roughly at that. Of course, praying for your enemy softens your own heart, too, and eventually I began to see that God’s will for her was the same as it was for me - to be eternally happy in heaven with Him. So I was reoriented without actually changing my prayer.

Come to think of it, praying for God’s will to be done for someone is always a good idea - He knows what’s best, and His will is always a wonderful thing for anyone.

Then, more recently, I had a similar issue with someone, and the priest in confession advised me to pray for him and then add a prayer of thanks that I wasn’t married to him!

Betsy
 
Hoo boy can I relate to this! It’s taken me a long time to begin to pray for a certain person, but this year I promised to do so every day. It’s been a blessing - for me at least and I have felt the weight of years of anger flow off me.

Here’s my routine: I park about a quarter mile from my building. As I’m walking I say the Leonine Prayers for the country (I think we need them). Then I say an Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be for the person I have promised to pray for. Then 3 Our Fathers for the intentions of the Pope, and finally the Angelus. And I’m at work.
 
Holland said:
During Confession a priest told me I should pray for someone who has done harm to me and my family and will probably continue to do so in the future. Would someone please tell me how I can achieve the proper frame of mind to possibly do this? I really need some guidance here.
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simply start doing it by beginning your prayer stating the intention, I offer this prayer for so and so (without giving God orders on how to treat that person). It is not necessary to have warm fuzzies in your heart for them, just say it, then pray the rosary or whatever prayer you have chosen. If you can’t get through a rosary, pray a decade. If that is too much right now, say one OF HM GB.

you have hit upon the essential truth and wisdom of this penance, its purpose is to help you achieve the proper frame of mind, not to change them.
 
Nick_Palmer said:
Holland, praying for those we “dislike” or even “detest” is a central challenge for many of us. One needs to come to grips with the difference between “love” as a feeling and “love” as an active verb. God principally works through people, not through direct intervention. We are channels or mirrors of God’s grace and love. If you try, he WILL help you. Note, that’s not a “might” it’s a “will.” God does not make mistakes, and God loves all of us.

So, my advice is just to pray for this person, daily. A good prayer is to ask God to provide him with the same grace that you are asking for yourself. Phrase the request in your own way. Some say, “fake it until you make it!” Pray daily for this person (don’t try to take on too many people at once). In your prayer, ask God for the grace to make a sincere prayer for this person. This has always worked for me. Often it takes several weeks before I honestly find myself wishing the other well, but it happens.
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This was great advice. I was once given the same advice by a trusted friend. I told my friend that God will know that my prayer isn’t sincere and that I don’t want to try to trick God. He told me that same thing - “Fake it till you make it.” I made it. LOL
 
MtnDweller: thanks for the kind comment and support. Full disclosure: the “wisdom” in my post came from friends in my AA group! I’m still working through 52 years of resentments…
 
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