Pre-Cana but living together

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philothea89

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My girlfriend/soon-to-be fiancee are currently cohabitating. Normally I wouldn’t do this sort of thing since I know it’s wrong, but I don’t speak the language of her country, can’t afford the obscene rent prices in the city in which we work, and arrived here rather suddenly, but it unfortunately has ended up this way.

We are living chastely–she agreed to wait until marriage for that after I moved in–and she tries to go to mass with me whenever possible. She is receptive to and respectful of the faith, and in fact seems very curious and surprised by it. I mentioned that I thought we ought to do pre-Cana, and she said okay.

Now I’m wondering, will it be a problem that we’re living together if we want to do pre-Cana? Or will that be an obstacle to us getting married in the church?

Please keep in mind that I’m not asking for approval of cohabitation and please respond with charity.
 
You can certainly attend pre-Cana while sharing an apartment/house/whatever arrangement you two have. I will not lecture you about this, but only say that by doing so you have put yourselves in a near occasion of sin, which will make it hard for you to remain chaste. Is it possible for an older female relative of your fiancée to live with you as a chaperone until you are married? It may sound old-fashioned, but it would lessen your chances of sinning and it would take away any taint of scandal that may arise from your situation. Importantly, you should discuss this with your priest so he can understand what you are doing. All the best to you. 🙂
 
philothea89 said:
My girlfriend/soon-to-be fiancee are currently cohabitating. Normally I wouldn’t do this sort of thing since I know it’s wrong, but I don’t speak the language of her country, can’t afford the obscene rent prices in the city in which we work, and arrived here rather suddenly, but it unfortunately has ended up this way.

We are living chastely–she agreed to wait until marriage for that after I moved in–and she tries to go to mass with me whenever possible. She is receptive to and respectful of the faith, and in fact seems very curious and surprised by it. I mentioned that I thought we ought to do pre-Cana, and she said okay.

Now I’m wondering, will it be a problem that we’re living together if we want to do pre-Cana? Or will that be an obstacle to us getting married in the church?

Please keep in mind that I’m not asking for approval of cohabitation and please respond with charity.
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“Living together” isn’t necessarily an impediment to the marriage. It sounds as if in your case it’s done more for economic reasons than anything else. The priest may ask you what effect you think marriage will have on your relationship. This is a standard question that’s frequently asked of cohabiting couples. Obviously you’re chaste, but most cohabiting couples are not. The question then becomes, “For what reason do you intend to get married if you’re already living in what amounts to a marital relationship?” Again, it’s not necessarily a direct impediment to the marriage BUT it does require some pastoral work and investigation. You would have to check with your priest as to pre-Cana but I don’t see that it would necessarily be an issue.
 
philothea89 said:
My girlfriend/soon-to-be fiancee are currently cohabitating. Normally I wouldn’t do this sort of thing since I know it’s wrong, but I don’t speak the language of her country, can’t afford the obscene rent prices in the city in which we work, and arrived here rather suddenly, but it unfortunately has ended up this way.

We are living chastely–she agreed to wait until marriage for that after I moved in–and she tries to go to mass with me whenever possible. She is receptive to and respectful of the faith, and in fact seems very curious and surprised by it. I mentioned that I thought we ought to do pre-Cana, and she said okay.

Now I’m wondering, will it be a problem that we’re living together if we want to do pre-Cana? Or will that be an obstacle to us getting married in the church?

Please keep in mind that I’m not asking for approval of cohabitation and please respond with charity.
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It depends on where you are. In My neck of the woods it is looked over quite often. Many couples in our pre cana were cohabitating. That does not mean that the Church approves or that a certain parish priest will bless this idea, but rather that it is a sign of our times and one that probably should be addressed better than it is being addressed right now.

As I read your post I see some justification for your position. There should not be. You do not “have to sin” because of rent prices. It is just justification for your position plain and simple. There are other ways around it. Is your live in girlfriend Catholic?

While you may be able to fly under the moral radar here and in many places it does not change the reality of right and wrong and sin and holiness. You should give God and your faith some better attention before you even attempt marriage. Because without that, most likely you will fail, if not in marriage, in eternity.
 
Are you Catholic? Baptized, confirmed?

I humbly suggest you honestly discuss this with a priest; your parish pastor if you belong to a parish. If you do not belong to a parish yet, I think this would be a good time to introduce yourself and register. You will get better help there than here. I think priests and pre-Cana directors are presented with these types of situations frequently.
 
philothea89 said:
Now I’m wondering, will it be a problem that we’re living together if we want to do pre-Cana? Or will that be an obstacle to us getting married in the church?

Please keep in mind that I’m not asking for approval of cohabitation and please respond with charity.
Click to expand...
The best person to answer this question is your pastor.

Generally the terms “cohabitation” or “cohabitating” indicates a couple living as husband and wife. It sounds like you are living as roommates.

Make sure when you talk to your pastor, that you indicate that.
 
This seems odd…why the timeframe? Makes it appear that day 181 before the wedding you are ok to be sleeping together, but watch that 90-180 day period! Why not just say from now until the wedding be chaste?
 
Thanks for clarifying!!! I realize you can’t be the “sleep police”…but couples need to know what the expectation is. Then it’s their responsibility to make a good choice.
 
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