Pre-Cana experience... diappointing

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BeeRod

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I’m feeling discouraged after last night’s class. It was about sexual morality, which the thought of it makes me nervous. The class starts out okay. But when they started to talk about staying 100% truthful to our vows in the bedroom and NFP, that’s when things took a different turn. My fiance (a cradle Catholic) started to ask plenty of questions to make him understand (should a couple split up if one is physically abusive, what if you can’t afford a lot of kids, what if the wife’s period is irregular that NFP won’t work) and not only did they never fully answered his questions, they became very preachy towards him. I had to kept on telling him to cut it out and save the questions at the end.

Once class was over, we were the only ones who stayed and he and that couple conducting that class went into a very heated discussion to a point the guy asked my fiance “if you don’t agree with all of this, why are you getting married in the church?” The whole situation made me uncomfortable so I left the building and wait outside the car. A few minutes later, my fiance came out and he was in tears. He really wants to marry me but he’s not sure if he wants to have it in church when he’s against a few things about the church. We spent 20 minutes in the parking lot, talking about what happened at the class through our tears.

I’m scared that what happened last night will leave us a bitter taste in our mouths. Our next class (a double class) is on Tuesday. My fiance said that if this class is just as bad as the last one, he will walk out. I mean we can just shut up for this class and the other classes and just get the certificate. But I hate to see him tormented like this. All I want him is to be honest with me and with himself.

When we decided to have it in church, we want to because we wanted God to bless our marriage. The last thing we wanted is for a couple to tell us we’re not good enough to have a church wedding because we didn’t completely agree with what they were preaching. 😦
 
BeeRod said:
I’m feeling discouraged after last night’s class. It was about sexual morality, which the thought of it makes me nervous. The class starts out okay. But when they started to talk about staying 100% truthful to our vows in the bedroom and NFP, that’s when things took a different turn. My fiance (a cradle Catholic) started to ask plenty of questions to make him understand (should a couple split up if one is physically abusive, what if you can’t afford a lot of kids, what if the wife’s period is irregular that NFP won’t work) and not only did they never fully answered his questions, they became very preachy towards him. I had to kept on telling him to cut it out and save the questions at the end.

Once class was over, we were the only ones who stayed and he and that couple conducting that class went into a very heated discussion to a point the guy asked my fiance “if you don’t agree with all of this, why are you getting married in the church?” The whole situation made me uncomfortable so I left the building and wait outside the car. A few minutes later, my fiance came out and he was in tears. He really wants to marry me but he’s not sure if he wants to have it in church when he’s against a few things about the church. We spent 20 minutes in the parking lot, talking about what happened at the class through our tears.

I’m scared that what happened last night will leave us a bitter taste in our mouths. Our next class (a double class) is on Tuesday. My fiance said that if this class is just as bad as the last one, he will walk out. I mean we can just shut up for this class and the other classes and just get the certificate. But I hate to see him tormented like this. All I want him is to be honest with me and with himself.

When we decided to have it in church, we want to because we wanted God to bless our marriage. The last thing we wanted is for a couple to tell us we’re not good enough to have a church wedding because we didn’t completely agree with what they were preaching. 😦
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Can you tell us what were the answers to the questions? It is hard to gauge if what they did was normal or may have been wrong?
 
See your priest. Is the problem that he does not agree with the Church on these matters? Or is it that the instructors get high strung easily?
 
ricofall said:
Can you tell us what were the answers to the questions? It is hard to gauge if what they did was normal or may have been wrong?
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Basically they would say along the lines of, “we’ll get to that in a moment” but never answer the question.
Cojuanco said:
See your priest. Is the problem that he does not agree with the Church on these matters? Or is it that the instructors get high strung easily?
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I’ll talk to him at Mass this weekend. As for your second question, it was more of the later. My fiance loves to ask questions and learn more. All they did was stick to their own script and never truly want to deal with him.
 
You should just stick it out, but in the mean time, have your fiance come here with his questions. We probably have more people with in-depth knowledge of how to answer his questions. The people who do pre-Cana are usually volunteers who sometimes do not know all the answers. My wife and I had a really good pre-Cana experience (we did a weekend retreat), and I feel bad when others don’t quite get the same experience.

So, my advice is to seek answers where there are knowledgeable enough people to answer them, aka. here on the forums or the CA apologists line.
 
Hey I’m impressed that the fiance is honest and interested enough to ask these questions.

When my (now) wife and I did pre-Cana I got the feeling that the majority of couples were there just to check a box, and tuned out most of what the instructors were saying. It was a weekend with overnight stay in a converted convent, and several of the couples resented that they had to have separate rooms in separate wings. Group discussions were very interesting… not like most of the “young adult” church gatherings I was used to up to that point.

We also had a separate series of courses specifically on NFP. Not nearly as many couples for that as I recall. I think that was all people who were there voluntarily and seemed much more respectful.
 
Bobby_Jim said:
Hey I’m impressed that the fiance is honest and interested enough to ask these questions.

When my (now) wife and I did pre-Cana I got the feeling that the majority of couples were there just to check a box, and tuned out most of what the instructors were saying. It was a weekend with overnight stay in a converted convent, and several of the couples resented that they had to have separate rooms in separate wings. Group discussions were very interesting… not like most of the “young adult” church gatherings I was used to up to that point.

We also had a separate series of courses specifically on NFP. Not nearly as many couples for that as I recall. I think that was all people who were there voluntarily and seemed much more respectful.
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We were going to do EE, but he didn’t want to because he feels they will place a stranger in the same room as him.

I guess his biggest issue during the class is that the couple see things as only black and white while he sees there’s some gray areas here and there that needed to address.

As for me, I’ll love him no matter what he decides. After all, we’re a team. There’s no “I” in “we”.
 
If you truly want God to bless your marriage, ask Him for the grace to submit to the teachings of the Church on sexual morality. If you aren’t able to get honest and straight feedback as to what those teachings are from your pre-Cana instructors, do the extra work to find out what they are on your own. You can always feel free to ask questions here, ask your pastor, read the Catechism, etc.

It seems like your fiance’s questions were trying to find a loophole to allow the use of artificial birth control. I will tell you now that there isn’t one. Artificial birth control is intrinsically evil, and is therefore never permitted in any circumstance. The various methods of natural family planning may be used morally if a couple has serious reasons to space children. The determination of what is “serious” is left to the couple to determine, with the assumption that they are seeking to properly form their consciences and follow God’s will and the teachings of the Church.

As for whether a couple “should” split up in the case of spousal abuse, I can only say that it is permitted for the innocent spouse to separate from the abusive spouse, or even divorce if the situation can’t be reconciled, but that divorce does not dissolve the marriage bond and the innocent spouse could not validly remarry unless the Church subsequently examines the marriage and issues a decree of nullity.
 
I got married in 1959, while in College, well before there even was any pre-cana classes anywhere. However, I was the product of a Jebbie parochial school and therefore had a better than average background in our religion. I married an Episcopalian girl, who did attend pre-marital counseling from the Newman Center Chaplain on campus.
Based on my marital experiences, I would make an appointment for both of you to see the Pastor of your Church before continuing with your pre-Cana classes. Very often,what you are experiencing is a difference of opinion which only a priest can solve…especially when lay persons are teaching the course. And, note I didn’t say to see a priest. You need to have a talk with the one who has the final say-so in your parish!
And, don’t let either your intended or the course teachers or your intended dissuade you!
 
aemcpa said:
If you truly want God to bless your marriage, ask Him for the grace to submit to the teachings of the Church on sexual morality. If you aren’t able to get honest and straight feedback as to what those teachings are from your pre-Cana instructors, do the extra work to find out what they are on your own. You can always feel free to ask questions here, ask your pastor, read the Catechism, etc.

It seems like your fiance’s questions were trying to find a loophole to allow the use of artificial birth control. I will tell you now that there isn’t one. Artificial birth control is intrinsically evil, and is therefore never permitted in any circumstance. The various methods of natural family planning may be used morally if a couple has serious reasons to space children. The determination of what is “serious” is left to the couple to determine, with the assumption that they are seeking to properly form their consciences and follow God’s will and the teachings of the Church.

As for whether a couple “should” split up in the case of spousal abuse, I can only say that it is permitted for the innocent spouse to separate from the abusive spouse, or even divorce if the situation can’t be reconciled, but that divorce does not dissolve the marriage bond and the innocent spouse could not validly remarry unless the Church subsequently examines the marriage and issues a decree of nullity.
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In his defense, I will say his issue with NFP is why it is used but according to the couple it’s 100%. They never stated about the risks and whatnot or actual proof of that statistic. Right now we’re not doing anything sexually because I’m off the Pill. But when we get married are we going to rely on NFP? No. We want to let it happen naturally. If we conceive then we’ll be happy. If not, we’ll keep on trying. If we want to take a break from trying, we’ll find other ways to express our love without sex. But we’re not going to take temperatures and check mucus on a daily basis.

The whole thing was awkward and uncomfortable to see. It made him break down into tears. He’s willing to give it another shot but if it’s a repeat, he will drag me out of class and never return.

I never thought I came out of there as the strong one. Usually he’s the one who would comfort me when things were bad.
 
BeeRod said:
I’m feeling discouraged after last night’s class. But when they started to talk about staying 100% truthful to our vows in the bedroom and NFP, that’s when things took a different turn. My fiance (a cradle Catholic) started to ask plenty of questions to make him understand (should a couple split up if one is physically abusive, what if you can’t afford a lot of kids, what if the wife’s period is irregular that NFP won’t work)
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It is possible that the couple who held the Pre-Cana class you attended last night is not actually a teaching couple for NFP.

An NFP teaching couple might be able to better explain how NFP can be used for women who have irregular cycles. They might explain how charting temperature and other signs are very beneficial for a woman with an irregular cycle.

Have you had a chance to sign up for an NFP class? Your parish and diocese probably have a list of teaching couples in your area. You can also check out information from Couple to Couple League. ccli.org/

Just a thought, they may have actually wondered way a couple would be getting married in the Church if it seemed the couple might not plan to be open to life with each act of marital relations. Having sexual relations that are not open to life would be considered a mortal sin and mean the couple would not be able to receive holy communion while in a state of mortal sin.

The Church does not ask couples to have more children than they can afford to properly care for. By using NFP, if a couple has moral reasons to not conceive a child, they can have marital relations while the wife is in a infertile state. They would still be open to life if God chose to bless them with a child during that infertile time. We are called to be open to life 100% or totally.

The Church never asks anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. The Church recognizes that separation and even a civil divorce is sometimes needed. The key is, if a couple is in a valid marriage and they have a civil divorce then they are not free to marry “again”.

A person can file for an annulment with the Diocese Marriage Tribunal following a civil divorce. If the Marriage Tribunal found the marriage was never valid - the couple was never united as one by God - then an annulment can be granted and the person could enter a valid marriage following a divorce.

I’m sorry the couple did not have practice in how to properly address questions on marriage in a way that your husband received the proper answer without either party feeling they were in a battle. Its possible they felt they were defending the Church to someone who was asking to marry in the Church.

May God bless you both richly as you prepare for your Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.
 
Don’t get discouraged BeeRod, instead pray about it and seek guidance from your spiritual advisor/ parish priest. Don’t allow these instructors to get you down, you know what you want which is to marry in the Catholic Church and get God’s blessing so stick with that. The couple sounds a little harsh for saying that, but remember that its their opinion out of many. As far as their answers go to your fiance’s questions, why don’t you get different answers from a priest?

And don’t forget, PRAY and PRAY about everything. Now is the time to go to daily mass if you can WITH your fiance so that God can help you understand and guide you during this stressful process.

Take care 🙂
 
BeeRod said:
The whole thing was awkward and uncomfortable to see. It made him break down into tears. He’s willing to give it another shot but if it’s a repeat, he will drag me out of class and never return.
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Does this mean he will decide for you two not to have a valid Sacramental Marriage in the Church if he drags you out of class or is the class not a requirement before the Sacrament in your Diocese?
 
BeeRod said:
But we’re not going to take temperatures and check mucus on a daily basis.
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Nobody is ever required to use NFP. It’s only that if you want to avoid pregnancy, you aren’t allowed to use artificial birth control.
 
aemcpa said:
You shouldn’t be doing anything sexually because you’re not married.
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Tell that to other Catholics who had sex before marriage. We stopped the day I was confirmed into the church almost 2 months ago. The last thing we both need is for people to judge us because we’re not the model catholic couple. We’re trying to but left feeling discouraged. Sorry I’m getting too defensive or emotional. I don’t like being put on the spot.
 
Are you over on WeddingBee too? Think I saw your post there. 👋

DH and I abstained once we got engaged and had some straight talk about Catholic sexual morality from the priest. It was a challenging 11 months living as sister and brother away from a real church family (we’re living a few states away for grad school right now), but we persevered and our new marriage feels so much richer for it. You can do it!
 
RoseMary131 said:
Does this mean he will decide for you two not to have a valid Sacramental Marriage in the Church if he drags you out of class or is the class not a requirement before the Sacrament in your Diocese?
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I’ll tell him to put on his big boy pants and suck it up. Worst case scenario: sit in the back row and play Angry Birds on his phone or vent to me during the break.
 
upnorth123 said:
Are you over on WeddingBee too? Think I saw your post there. 👋

DH and I abstained once we got engaged and had some straight talk about Catholic sexual morality from the priest. It was a challenging 11 months living as sister and brother away from a real church family (we’re living a few states away for grad school right now), but we persevered and our new marriage feels so much richer for it. You can do it!
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Oh boy! :eek: I’m trying to figure out who you are at these boards! Lol it turned into a debate over NFP and not trying to calm my fiancé down.

Maybe I should’ve stick to the answers over there. I can vent a little more.
 
BeeRod said:
Tell that to other Catholics who had sex before marriage. We stopped the day I was confirmed into the church almost 2 months ago. The last thing we both need is for people to judge us because we’re not the model catholic couple. We’re trying to but left feeling discouraged. Sorry I’m getting too defensive or emotional. I don’t like being put on the spot.
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I’m not judging you. What’s done is done. But if you’re not a model Catholic couple (and who is?) you need to aspire to be one. Going forward, what you need to do is pray for the grace to know and do God’s will. Catholics owe the teachings of the Church “religious submission of mind and will”, even if we don’t fully understand why the Church teaches what it does.

And I would tell this to any Catholic couple, sexually active or not. There are nine other Commandments, after all, and we all fall short of them in one way or another.
 
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