H
hooveam
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Forgive me for this long post!
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years. (I use the term “dating” loosely-- we steadily grew from a friendship without ever calling it anything, but knowing at some point we grew into exclusivity). He is neither atheist nor religious, but does share my conservative values, particularly concerning family life, and he really likes that I don’t bend my beliefs. He is a fallen Catholic that has some spiritual draw to the faith (while overseas he attended Mass daily because he said he could actually “feel” the faith there and it was very comforting), as well as some sort of emotional attachment to the faith (likes the idea), but he’s never been able to embrace it logically. Not that he’s tried very hard, and he’s admitted that he doesn’t want to feel like he’s doing it just because I am Catholic, but wants to do it on his own.
I converted to Catholicism nine years ago, and have embraced and enjoyed researching the faith. I read about ancient Judaism and its parallels to Catholicism and my heart races with excitement-- and forgive me if this is TMI, but I will sweat heavily within 10 minutes of reading a good Catholic book. I’m only half kidding when I say it’s the equivalent of a good cardio workout. I say this to give you a full view of who I am-- honestly, I do understand and believe the major teachings. I believe with my heart, mind, and soul that it is the one true Church. However, I can’t say I have loved it with all my strength. Read on.
We’ve consistently had pre-marital sex. Consistently. The longest we’ve gone without having sex was five weeks. Otherwise it’s been 3-4 times a month for two years. Every time is “the last time.” I say we are 50/50 at fault. Anytime where we haven’t had sex, it’s also probably 50/50 on who chose to stop it. I’ve made over 100 confessions, mostly to the same priests, and ranging from anything such as “passionate kissing” to sex and manipulation of the act to avoid the gift of life. Sometimes I hesitated to go to Confession because I felt like a major abuser of the Sacrament and wondered if I was being honest with myself about my desire to change. Finally I broke down and tearfully begged for God to send me someone to talk to. I met face-to-face with a priest I had never gone to before, and told him start to finish my story and my sin and my inability to change. He asked if my boyfriend would come in and talk to him with me, and since then, we have met with him three times. My boyfriend said it felt good to talk to someone and to feel like we were making progress. At our last meeting, the priest said he felt we already had a much healthier relationship.
Recently, my boyfriend said I should learn NFP so that I know it by the time I get married. I wanted to anyway, so I signed up for NFP class, and will be using the Sympto-Thermal Method. He really doesn’t like the idea of the Pill for health reasons, and doesn’t like condoms either. He prefers NFP, but not for religious reasons. (Although he does like the idea of total unity in sex).
Anywhere, here’s my list of concerns, and I would be grateful if any person can offer any insight on one or all of them.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years. (I use the term “dating” loosely-- we steadily grew from a friendship without ever calling it anything, but knowing at some point we grew into exclusivity). He is neither atheist nor religious, but does share my conservative values, particularly concerning family life, and he really likes that I don’t bend my beliefs. He is a fallen Catholic that has some spiritual draw to the faith (while overseas he attended Mass daily because he said he could actually “feel” the faith there and it was very comforting), as well as some sort of emotional attachment to the faith (likes the idea), but he’s never been able to embrace it logically. Not that he’s tried very hard, and he’s admitted that he doesn’t want to feel like he’s doing it just because I am Catholic, but wants to do it on his own.
I converted to Catholicism nine years ago, and have embraced and enjoyed researching the faith. I read about ancient Judaism and its parallels to Catholicism and my heart races with excitement-- and forgive me if this is TMI, but I will sweat heavily within 10 minutes of reading a good Catholic book. I’m only half kidding when I say it’s the equivalent of a good cardio workout. I say this to give you a full view of who I am-- honestly, I do understand and believe the major teachings. I believe with my heart, mind, and soul that it is the one true Church. However, I can’t say I have loved it with all my strength. Read on.
We’ve consistently had pre-marital sex. Consistently. The longest we’ve gone without having sex was five weeks. Otherwise it’s been 3-4 times a month for two years. Every time is “the last time.” I say we are 50/50 at fault. Anytime where we haven’t had sex, it’s also probably 50/50 on who chose to stop it. I’ve made over 100 confessions, mostly to the same priests, and ranging from anything such as “passionate kissing” to sex and manipulation of the act to avoid the gift of life. Sometimes I hesitated to go to Confession because I felt like a major abuser of the Sacrament and wondered if I was being honest with myself about my desire to change. Finally I broke down and tearfully begged for God to send me someone to talk to. I met face-to-face with a priest I had never gone to before, and told him start to finish my story and my sin and my inability to change. He asked if my boyfriend would come in and talk to him with me, and since then, we have met with him three times. My boyfriend said it felt good to talk to someone and to feel like we were making progress. At our last meeting, the priest said he felt we already had a much healthier relationship.
Recently, my boyfriend said I should learn NFP so that I know it by the time I get married. I wanted to anyway, so I signed up for NFP class, and will be using the Sympto-Thermal Method. He really doesn’t like the idea of the Pill for health reasons, and doesn’t like condoms either. He prefers NFP, but not for religious reasons. (Although he does like the idea of total unity in sex).
Anywhere, here’s my list of concerns, and I would be grateful if any person can offer any insight on one or all of them.
- I think the priest may have determined us to be “healthy” too quickly…we are still in the midst of a very real struggle
- I’m not at the point where I could give up my boyfriend if it was God’s will. I want/need to be at that point. My goal has been to do at least two of following three exercises every day: Mass, adoration, or Rosary. I haven’t been able to fully achieve that goal yet, but there’s hope that once I do, I will begin to see improvement.
- Without reaching that point above, my boyfriend and I are already considering marriage. It feels hasty, and I’m not sure my boyfriend totally understands my inhibitions. I think he feels I’d marry him whenever he asked, but that’s not the case.
- Should we get married, I think both my boyfriend have a poor understanding of sex, as we have not been able to entirely erase the culture’s view from our own—I can already anticipate this would cause considerable problems with NFP
- Unless we do beat our sexual impurity, NFP will be a great struggle for us, and I suspect especially for him.
- I think he has a rosy view of NFP, because I had a rosy view of it before researching it further. I do think the reality will be revealed as I learn NFP according to my specific cycle, and I’d be sure to make sure he’s fully informed of how much abstinence would be involved.
- Should we get married and use NFP, I worry that if we are “risky” and get pregnant, he may not like the idea of NFP as much. He says he wouldn’t want kids for 2 years after marriage, but I do trust he’d be okay with sooner if it was unplanned, simply because I was late once and he was so excited to be a father. He’s not extremely patient (Irish temper) but he loves very deeply. It’s the impatient part I am worried about. My real concern is what if I would get pregnant a 2nd time without much spacing after the first. A hypothetical situation, but if he’s not on board with me spiritually, it could cause problems if he’s not as open to life as I am.
