Pre-existing addictions & annulment - could my future marriage be invalid?

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augustinegirl

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Hi!

So I preparing for marriage with a wonderful man. We are very honest with each other, but I am afraid about some things in marriage prep.

I know that the priest will ask us about addictions and such. Well, I have (had? I only “use” like…once every month or two but still consider it such) a porn addiction that is basically pushed by my possible alcohol addiction. My fiancé knows about both. He also has a possible alcohol addiction. We both know it is serious and we put things in place not to use but when we fall, we seek contrition & go to Confession. (For some insight, what I mean by “possible alcohol addiction” for both of us doesn’t look like the stereotype - but is still a problem. This means we never drink in the morning or go on crazy benders but drink fairly often and often when we drink, it’s too much. I say this not to justify it, but because oftentimes people on the internet will jump to conclusions so I’m trying to provide as much info as possible).

I’m worried now because I know pre-existing addictions can invalidate the Sacrament, but we also have never been secretive about either things and do not hide it from each other after we’ve sinned. We don’t excuse the behavior either, but I’m just saying that the “hiding” part doesn’t apply here.

ANYWAY - I’m afraid of how the priest will see these things. Like…will it be an invalid marriage from the start though we’re both trying to fix these things and it’s not a secret? What is the technical line of “here is what makes your marriage invalid” and does it apply here?
 
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If yiu are both struggling with addictions I would put the marriage in standby and get help. Marriage is hard enough without starting already with such unresolved issues.
Imagine needing to take care of a newborn while you are both high…
 
Are you both in an alcohol recovery program? If not, go to a meeting tomorrow.

The program plus counsel from your pastor is vital to overcome both addictions. You want to enter marriage well and healthy!!
 
I mean…we drink, we don’t get “high.” But that’s kind of where my issue comes from - we both are actively trying to work on it and oftentimes that means not drinking at all because starting to drink is the problem. But I don’t know if the fact that we have these issues in the first place, even while working on them, is grounds for an annulment. Does that make sense?
 
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Thank you! Yeah I had gone to AA meetings but really didn’t like the groups. I liked the Big Book & I know it’s about the content, but I found the few places I went that the people were a little holier-than-thou which surprised me because I thought they’d be humble. Do you know of any other recovery programs?
 
I don’t know about marriage validity. What I am trying to say it is that if you both are already struggling with addictions, you may get even worse under stress (for example if you get kids). Addiction is very rarely overcome without professional help. Enter a recovery program and when you both feel healthy and strong, start your family and life together. .
 
I appreciate that, thank you, and would also appreciate your prayers. I’m hoping someone can answer about the validity of the Sacrament but I still appreciate the response.
 
Really the only person who can give you a very specific answer to your specific question about your specific situation is the priest whose does your marriage prep.

Here is how I perceive it. When two people are very open & honest with each other and the person preparing them for marriage, laying all the cards on the table, generally speaking, there shouldn’t be a problem with validity.

The basic criteria for validity is the ability to freely consent. So really it is about knowing about the thing, not necessarily the thing itself.

Please do not take this as me saying your marriage will be valid. I am not an expert in marriage canon law. I am speaking generalities only.
 
I appreciate this answer because it was humble and honest and also because you sought to answer the main question I posed. I also think you’re right about the priest we’re working with…I guess it’s just a scary thing to bring up because if the priest doesn’t know us yet, it might come off as a massive problem (which may be the case). I tend to be fairly scrupulous but this is also a legitimate concern. I was hoping someone knew before we spoke with him but I think you’re right. Please say a prayer for us, and thank you!
 
You are very welcome. I understand it is scary to bring this up with a priest you don’t know well. Unless this priest is fresh out of the seminary, he’s probably dealt with many issues like this.

I do know quite a lot about addiction though, I used work with addicts during a previous career. Please get help now. You and your fiancé have developed a way of being together that includes alcohol and your struggle with addiction to alcohol, individually and together. You each need to get help on your own. What works for you may not work for him. His needs may be very different than your own in recovery. The two of you may go into recovery at different paces.

I am in no way saying the two of you shouldn’t be together or that you can’t be supportive of each other in recovery, you will need some professional help and please listen to the advise they give you.
 
augustinegirl said:
Thank you! Yeah I had gone to AA meetings but really didn’t like the groups. I liked the Big Book & I know it’s about the content, but I found the few places I went that the people were a little holier-than-thou which surprised me because I thought they’d be humble.
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I’ve been clean in NA for many years, and have darkened the door of more than one AA meeting as well. There can be a lot of variability between people in the meetings and between meetings within an area; there can also be cultural differences between meetings in different regions. I live in a fairly rural county, and there’s one meeting in particular that I just won’t go to because of its personality; that style apparently works for the folks who go there regularly but if that had been my first meeting I might well have left swearing to never go to another meeting again.

One of our traditions refers to it being a program of attraction, and that’s a problem because I have a boatload of character defects and am at risk of making it an unattractive place - so I apologise.

I’d like to suggest trying other meetings. And remember, you don’t need to like everyone there! When I got clean there was one guy, I thought he was an arrogant jerk, he gave me my first NA resentment when I’d been clean about a week. I just gravitated to other people and didn’t give him any space in my head. Much later I found out he was really okay.

Re. your question: a number of years ago I posed a similar question in an email to the Marriage Tribunal in my Diocese. A civilly-divorced Protestant friend of mine planned to remarry; I anticipated (rightly so, as it turned out) that he might ask me to be one of his groomsmen, and I wanted to be sure about how I needed to respond. At the time his previous marriage was contracted he was in active addiction, using drugs on a daily basis, but the Deacon who responded to my inquiry indicated that that was not sufficient grounds for nullity unless he was in a blackout at the time of the ceremony.

Best wishes.
 
I think you might be a tad harsh on yourself if you think once every month or two is an addiction to porn, as to the alcohol addiction, there are a lot of people out there who drink probably more than they should, one of my daughters has a highly specialized computer science job and usually does have a few, or more drinks at night. Her husband is a retired Master Sergeant, and also drinks probably more than he should, but he still performed his duty, same as my daughter, maybe you should ask yourself if you have a couple habits rather than addictions, addictions are destructive, habits are not. If you are both fully functioning and have all your mental faculties, and are aware and go to confession and are trying to correct yourselves then maybe you are just talking about habits, here is a site that offers some questions a priest might ask

 
augustinegirl said:
I’m worried now because I know pre-existing addictions can invalidate the Sacrament, but we also have never been secretive about either things and do not hide it from each other after we’ve sinned. We don’t excuse the behavior either, but I’m just saying that the “hiding” part doesn’t apply here.

ANYWAY - I’m afraid of how the priest will see these things. Like…will it be an invalid marriage from the start though we’re both trying to fix these things and it’s not a secret? What is the technical line of “here is what makes your marriage invalid” and does it apply here?
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One of my old friends was a priest on a diocesan marriage tribunal.

He mentioned to me once that in all his years on the tribunal, he never encountered a marriage he was unable to annul. No matter what you do, or how careful you are, an experienced tribunal can find some arcane rule you violated that invalidates the sacrament.

Of course, that’s not really an issue unless you ultimately get divorced. If you stick together, the marriage is presumed to be valid, so you should be fine.

So yes, you should absolutely work on your issues with respect to porn and alcohol. Those are both very dangerous. And you should be honest with your priest. But leave your worries about the validity of the sacrament to him. Those sorts of issues typically only come up in the event of a divorce.
 
Yes, but is this attributable to the skill of the tribunal judges, the tenuous nature of Catholic marriage, or perhaps it is something else?

Pastors at the parish level are the ones who green-light nullity investigations. This means that a valid marriage will probably never get kicked upstairs to the tribunal, if the priests do their due diligence. Furthermore, only marriages that have divorced are investigated in the first place.

So, possibly this is a mix of factors, but I wouldn’t say that the anecdotal experience of one J.V. can be inferred as you are trying to do.
 
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In my diocese parish priests are not involved in the petition for a declaration of nullity at all. The petitioner is instructed to call the tribunal and a tribunal staff member makes the decision as to whether there are possible grounds to declare the marriage invalid.
 
Some things to consider: territorial Parish situations…It’s interesting to see the Priest marrying you both is unaware of either of your Confessions. You both need to have a solid sit down with the Priest that is marrying you, and be honest and forward. Never lie to a Priest, and never be deceptive. It’s harmful for your own future and the Priests can only help when you tell them anything. You must always set aside ego, pride, and self-esteem when trying to deal with the Sacraments.

Whether it is wise or prudent to marry under your present situation, only you, your fiance, and the Priest intending to marry you both can decide.
 
I’m not sure if porn once every month or two constitutes an addiction. Don’t get me wrong…its a grave sin and you need to do your best to avoid it…its a very serious issue…but that frequency doesn’t strike me as “addiction” territory. You’re struggling with it from time to time. Addiction would mean you can’t stop yourself from falling into this habit on a daily, weekly basis, etc. I don’t say this to minimize the issue, but I think you’re being far too harsh on yourself if you declare to the priest that you’re a “porn addict”.

Likewise with the drinking…again not saying you’re not abusing alcohol (you didn’t provide enough details to really judge that)…but if you’re not drinking in the morning and not going on benders, I’m not sure if its addiction? Maybe, maybe not…has a professional helped you conclude that you’re an addict?
 
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