Pre-marital Sex & Fornication

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I entered into one of those friends with benefits type relationships. You meet up for sex, no strings attached. Being a typical a girl, I ended up getting attached. I started to like him. I completely initiated the arrangement. I thought he was really cute. I thought if I got with him enough, he would like me. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea, that this guy honestly just sees or wants me for sex. That is it. I love to imagine, deep down somewhere he likes, he cares or he is hiding his true feelings. Evidence proves otherwise. I guess I found out, he has moved on to another girl. Honestly, it really hurts. It makes me wonder, why doesn’t he like me? I guess it is my pride. It sounds horrible, but this is true. I am often told I am a pretty girl. Walking down the street, at stores, etc. The girl he moved on to is not pretty. I know it is petty and vain to think that way. If I am pretty, why doesn’t he like me? Honestly, it is very hard for me to be around him. I feel completely embarrassed or uncomfortable. I have no real reason to be angry at him, he is not my boyfriend. He did not cheat on me. He does not owe me anything. He does not have to apologize, for what? It still stings seeing him with another girl. He forget me so quickly. He will come and knock my door. Everything I feel right now, he does not feel. He honestly does not care.
 
I think that you feel this way, because you are still in touch with your humanity. It is not so much about looks, but that if you two were physically intimate, you should want more than just sex. You are asking for him to love you back.

It’s not that you are not attractive, but that he just doesn’t get it. I feel that the Sacraments are powerful in terms of healing and I would start there. This guy really does not sound like he is worth your time.
 
There’s a lot of wisdom in why the Church teaches that fornication is wrong.

One way to see this is by realizing that you are very valuable as person, and that sex is a special way by which you give the gift of yourself to another person.

Naturally, a valuable, special gift must only be given to a deserving person. This should be a person who truly sees how valuable you are and values you as much. This person is someone who would receive you totally and permanently and is also willing to give himself to you in the same way. Yes, this should be the person who IS married to you. Anything less than this is undeserving of your gift because that would mean that love and commitment with which they will receive you is not total.

If he doesn’t value you, then forget about him. He is simply not deserving. You are more valuable than he is treating you. Don’t sell yourself short. You should know what you are worth. You are a daughter of God! Pray to God that he would lead you to a guy who would truly deserve that special gift - someone who would value you the way God sees you.
 
CRATUS said:
I entered into one of those friends with benefits type relationships. You meet up for sex, no strings attached. Being a typical a girl, I ended up getting attached. I started to like him. I completely initiated the arrangement. I thought he was really cute. I thought if I got with him enough, he would like me. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea, that this guy honestly just sees or wants me for sex. That is it. I love to imagine, deep down somewhere he likes, he cares or he is hiding his true feelings. Evidence proves otherwise. I guess I found out, he has moved on to another girl. Honestly, it really hurts. It makes me wonder, why doesn’t he like me? I guess it is my pride. It sounds horrible, but this is true. I am often told I am a pretty girl. Walking down the street, at stores, etc. The girl he moved on to is not pretty. I know it is petty and vain to think that way. If I am pretty, why doesn’t he like me? Honestly, it is very hard for me to be around him. I feel completely embarrassed or uncomfortable. I have no real reason to be angry at him, he is not my boyfriend. He did not cheat on me. He does not owe me anything. He does not have to apologize, for what? It still stings seeing him with another girl. He forget me so quickly. He will come and knock my door. Everything I feel right now, he does not feel. He honestly does not care.
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I’m so sorry to hear this has happened to you and I don’t want to end up sounding “preachy” so I’ll ask your forgiveness in advance.

We all make mistakes and we all sin. When the 2 come at the same time, we really beat ourselves up, don’t we? Perhaps you might want to consider why you decided “friends with benefits” was a good decision in the first place. From what you’ve posted, you sound like you started the “benefits” with the hopes it would lead to something different. Perhaps you might consider starting with your ultimate goal - love - then moving to the “benefits” after.

Contrary to some belief, there really is such a thing as true love and Jesus gave us the template. Not only did He show us by His actions and words while He was living among us, He showed us by His Sacrifice what true love really entails. He was willing to put aside any reservations and die for all of us even though He knew some of us wouldn’t believe in Him or love Him back. Having been married for almost 30 years, I can tell you love in marriage sometimes requires you to overlook your spouse’s transgressions and forgive them for mistake (as Our Lord does for us) and sometime it means patient support when your spouse decides to do something that doesn’t really help the marriage but also being there to accept your spouse when he/she comes to his/her senses. If you pattern your love after Jesus’s Love, you can’t go wrong.

Using earthly pleasure to secure eternal love is not going to work; you’ve tried it and know how that will end. Trust in God and be faithful to His Ways. God loves you more than any friend/boy friend/husband ever will and He will guide you if you let Him. God Bless you.
 
You just learned a very important lesson the hard way. The question now is only whether you really learned the lesson or not. I have young adult kids and have heard about this “friends with benefits” thing many times. Why should he bother falling in love with you if you were willing to give him what he wanted with no strings attached? Sex is the most personal, intimate gift that a woman–or a man–gives to the person he or she loves. You got your cart before your horse–love should come first before sex not the other way around. Unless you want to get the reputation of being the town pump, you need to rethink your values in this area. Being pretty is great—but being easy is something many men find more important as a negative than how pretty the girl is. Who wants to marry someone who has slept with half the town already? I know that sounds harsh—but think about it a little.
 
Many people are just plain spoilt brats ,… They get what they want,
And people are just to willing to give, why ?
 
CRATUS said:
I entered into one of those friends with benefits type relationships. You meet up for sex, no strings attached. Being a typical a girl, I ended up getting attached. I started to like him. I completely initiated the arrangement. I thought he was really cute. I thought if I got with him enough, he would like me. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea, that this guy honestly just sees or wants me for sex. That is it. I love to imagine, deep down somewhere he likes, he cares or he is hiding his true feelings. Evidence proves otherwise. I guess I found out, he has moved on to another girl. Honestly, it really hurts. It makes me wonder, why doesn’t he like me? I guess it is my pride. It sounds horrible, but this is true. I am often told I am a pretty girl. Walking down the street, at stores, etc. The girl he moved on to is not pretty. I know it is petty and vain to think that way. If I am pretty, why doesn’t he like me? Honestly, it is very hard for me to be around him. I feel completely embarrassed or uncomfortable. I have no real reason to be angry at him, he is not my boyfriend. He did not cheat on me. He does not owe me anything. He does not have to apologize, for what? It still stings seeing him with another girl. He forget me so quickly. He will come and knock my door. Everything I feel right now, he does not feel. He honestly does not care.
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This is one of the reasons the Church teaches against fornication. Because it hurts. When you make love with a man, you are giving yourself to him body and spirit. Men do not respect women who are so willing to give themselves to them sexually. You cheapen yourself by such behavior. This is why you’re left hurting and he has moved on. Please respect yourself in the future. A man is not worthy of intimacy with you unless he is your husband. I will pray for you.:gopray2:
 
CRATUS said:
I entered into one of those friends with benefits type relationships. You meet up for sex, no strings attached. Being a typical a girl, I ended up getting attached. I started to like him. I completely initiated the arrangement. I thought he was really cute. I thought if I got with him enough, he would like me. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea, that this guy honestly just sees or wants me for sex. That is it. I love to imagine, deep down somewhere he likes, he cares or he is hiding his true feelings. Evidence proves otherwise. I guess I found out, he has moved on to another girl. Honestly, it really hurts. It makes me wonder, why doesn’t he like me? I guess it is my pride. It sounds horrible, but this is true. I am often told I am a pretty girl. Walking down the street, at stores, etc. The girl he moved on to is not pretty. I know it is petty and vain to think that way. If I am pretty, why doesn’t he like me? Honestly, it is very hard for me to be around him. I feel completely embarrassed or uncomfortable. I have no real reason to be angry at him, he is not my boyfriend. He did not cheat on me. He does not owe me anything. He does not have to apologize, for what? It still stings seeing him with another girl. He forget me so quickly. He will come and knock my door. Everything I feel right now, he does not feel. He honestly does not care.
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I read secular advice columns, and this issue (the inequity of the friends with benefits arrangement) comes up a lot–there are a lot of women who accept the FWB arrangement because there isn’t anything better on offer, and then treat it as an actual relationship when none is being offered. It won’t make you feel better, but a lot of young women go through exactly the same learning process.

I think it’s time to tell him that you don’t want him coming by anymore because you need your space. And then don’t answer your door or phone when he calls. And keep busy and make some friends elsewhere so you don’t have to see him all the time.

This hurts, but now you know, and (if you’re smart) you won’t put up with this again. As they say on Dear Wendy, aim higher.

Best wishes!
 
You took on a great risk, hoping for love. You could have gotten pregnant and he would have abandoned you and your baby. You risked getting a disease, becoming infertile, and your future family, children and grandchildren!

I hope that you keep that very special part of yourself for the man who is willing to come before God, family and friends to say that he will love you and cherish you all the days of his life. That is the man who has earned that special, intimate, part of you. Someone that respects that you have a heart that can be broken. Someone who would not ask you to risk pregnancy for a few minutes of pleasure. You are worth all of that.

It was a hard lesson to learn. Come back to God and ask Him to guide your steps. He loves you so much that he willed to die on the cross so that you could share heaven with him. He is trustworthy, generous with his love, always looking for what would be best for you. He would never abandon you. And these are the qualities to look for in a man.

God bless you and help you in the days ahead.
 
Friends with benefits is always a one way street. We know what the guy gets out of it—sex when he feels like it with no obligation or even having to pretend courtship. He gets having a sexual partner available when he wants one with no trouble or effort, not even paying for a dinner out–almost like a prostitute he doesn’t even have to locate and pay for–not a bad deal for him.But what did you get other than a broken heart–and basically an insult to your ego.Think about it!
 
Starrsmother said:
Friends with benefits is always a one way street. We know what the guy gets out of it—sex when he feels like it with no obligation or even having to pretend courtship. He gets having a sexual partner available when he wants one with no trouble or effort, not even paying for a dinner out–almost like a prostitute he doesn’t even have to locate and pay for–not a bad deal for him.But what did you get other than a broken heart–and basically an insult to your ego.Think about it!
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With respect, I think you are wrong. You argue that the friends with benefits culture is solely for the satisfaction of the man…yet CRATUS clearly states that she initiated the arrangement.
I do not agree with the culture, I think the beautiful act of love making is cheapened when there are no other emotion than lust present…but in this era of sexual equality (the Suffragette’s must be turning in their graves at what is has led to) I know a lot of girls in their twenties and thirties who actively search out cheap, emotionless sex.
 
prometheus1 said:
With respect, I think you are wrong. You argue that the friends with benefits culture is solely for the satisfaction of the man…yet CRATUS clearly states that she initiated the arrangement.
I do not agree with the culture, I think the beautiful act of love making is cheapened when there are no other emotion than lust present…but in this era of sexual equality (the Suffragette’s must be turning in their graves at what is has led to) I know a lot of girls in their twenties and thirties who actively search out cheap, emotionless sex.
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What you say is indeed possible, but as a retired women’s health practitioner, I learned that the women are usually looking for something a little different than simply s penis in her vagina, If that;s all she wanted and I don;t mean to be crude–she’d invest in a high dollar vibrator. She may be looking for love or for someone to tell her she is beautiful or a millon other things including romance or just being held and appreciated for awhile… The guy on the other hand is usualyl looking for one thing and one thing only!
 
Hi Cratus,

I’m really sorry to hear what happened. :console: Our sins wound us in deep and profound ways, especially sexual sin. This is why God forbids illicit forms of sex- not because he wants to spoil our fun, but in order to protect us. Although your guilt and shame seem very negative, it is a sign that God is working in you and trying to awaken you to the wrongness of fortification. Even though its tempting, I wouldn’t spend time analyzing why he left you and whether the other girl is as pretty. The truth is that regardless, you cannot stay in such a relationship or engage in such actions. They only lead to pain and cut you off from God.

The good news is that you can definitely find healing. Please go to confession first of all. I’d also recommend you pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet and/or spend time with the Blessed Sacrament. God’s waiting to welcome you back to his love. The wounds may not all heal for awhile, but keep entrusting yourself to God’s mercy. He is able to draw good even out of our sins. Perhaps you’ll be able to help other people later on who are tempted to, or actual do engage in similar behaviors. You can also check out this website which has information on healing from sexual sins and how to avoid them in the future: chastity.com/

The last thing I’d suggest is to reflect on why you entered this relationship in the first place. Were you hungry for love and intimacy? The truth is that only God’s love will satisfy us in the end. So spend time with him. He desires your love!

I’ll say a prayer for you as well. God Bless.
 
CRATUS said:
I entered into one of those friends with benefits type relationships. You meet up for sex, no strings attached. Being a typical a girl, I ended up getting attached. I started to like him. I completely initiated the arrangement. I thought he was really cute. I thought if I got with him enough, he would like me. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea, that this guy honestly just sees or wants me for sex. That is it. I love to imagine, deep down somewhere he likes, he cares or he is hiding his true feelings. Evidence proves otherwise. I guess I found out, he has moved on to another girl. Honestly, it really hurts. It makes me wonder, why doesn’t he like me? I guess it is my pride. It sounds horrible, but this is true. I am often told I am a pretty girl. Walking down the street, at stores, etc. The girl he moved on to is not pretty. I know it is petty and vain to think that way. If I am pretty, why doesn’t he like me? Honestly, it is very hard for me to be around him. I feel completely embarrassed or uncomfortable. I have no real reason to be angry at him, he is not my boyfriend. He did not cheat on me. He does not owe me anything. He does not have to apologize, for what? It still stings seeing him with another girl. He forget me so quickly. He will come and knock my door. Everything I feel right now, he does not feel. He honestly does not care.
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You know, I honestly have a hard time sympathizing with your situation. It might not be politically correct anymore, but we used to have a word for a woman that acted in the way you describe and it rhymes with “cut”. Girl, sex isn’t something to be used to trap a boyfriend or husband, Sex should be reserved for the confines of a lasting and happy marriage. I think you should reread the last lines of your post and realize this has been a life lesson you needed to learn. Don’t do that again. You have way more worth than just what you can get with your body. I read a post similar to this yesterday. What are woman thinking!! Anyway, good luck. :eek:
 
😦

I’m so sorry. I have no advice except to choose a compassionate priest and bring this to him in confession. Ask for and then listen to his advice and the wisdom of the Church, and let the healing power of confession and Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament heal you. Adoration and Mass will help. Saying a prayer for you.
 
OP, I will pray for you. I’m sorry that you had to learn the lesson the hard way. As they say, many aren’t going to buy the cow if the milk is for free.

If this man comes knocking on your door looking for sex, you need to cut him out of your life unless he’s willing to respect your chastity. But if anything it sounds like he’s “sowing his wild oats” and we should pray for his soul.

I echo what others have posted – seek God’s healing in the sacraments, especially confession. I go a lot more often now and it’s changed my life. Grow in your relationship with Him in prayer, scripture, and Adoration. He loves you like no other human on this earth possibly can.
garyo49 said:
You know, I honestly have a hard time sympathizing with your situation. It might not be politically correct anymore, but we used to have a word for a woman that acted in the way you describe and it rhymes with “cut”. Girl, sex isn’t something to be used to trap a boyfriend or husband, Sex should be reserved for the confines of a lasting and happy marriage. I think you should reread the last lines of your post and realize this has been a life lesson you needed to learn. Don’t do that again. You have way more worth than just what you can get with your body. I read a post similar to this yesterday. What are woman thinking!! Anyway, good luck. :eek:
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You phrase this like women are the only ones to blame in acts of adultery and fornication. It takes two to tango.
 
garyo49 said:
You know, I honestly have a hard time sympathizing with your situation. It might not be politically correct anymore, but we used to have a word for a woman that acted in the way you describe and it rhymes with “cut”. Girl, sex isn’t something to be used to trap a boyfriend or husband, Sex should be reserved for the confines of a lasting and happy marriage. I think you should reread the last lines of your post and realize this has been a life lesson you needed to learn. Don’t do that again. You have way more worth than just what you can get with your body. I read a post similar to this yesterday. What are woman thinking!! Anyway, good luck. :eek:
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While I agree that the OP’s actions were wrong and sinful, I think its terrible to label her the word that "rhymes with “cut” " as you put it. How uncharitable! While correcting someone is an act of mercy, it doesn’t need to be done in such a distasteful way.
 
In case this helps, this is research on some of the attachments formed in sexual activity and is among many reasons why sexual activity in marriage alone is proper.
4 ways premarital sex is harmful

The good news is the Catholic Church offers the sacrament of penance for Catholics which can truly heal the spiritual damage of such actions. It can begin the emotional healing as well. See On Reconciliation: Can virginity be restored? Non-Catholics would also certainly be encouraged to repent and begin living chastely to enter the road to healing.
 
Starrsmother said:
What you say is indeed possible, but as a retired women’s health practitioner, I learned that the women are usually looking for something a little different than simply s penis in her vagina, If that;s all she wanted and I don;t mean to be crude–she’d invest in a high dollar vibrator. She may be looking for love or for someone to tell her she is beautiful or a millon other things including romance or just being held and appreciated for awhile… The guy on the other hand is usualyl looking for one thing and one thing only!
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I can not blame him. I started it. I thought he was cute. I never really knew what he thought of me. I offered sex. He agreed it. I guess I just wanted him to like me. He did not. He never did. He liked other girls though. I was just the girl, he used (I let him use me), when he did not have any options. I thought if I kept on doing it. He would eventually like me. It sucks he just does not care about me. He does not feel this way. None of this affects him. I hate how easily men can move on without caring. He moved on to a nice girl, anyways. I am pretty girl. Other guys would tell me this in front of him many times. I used to think being pretty was important.
 
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