Pre Relationship help/advice

  • Thread starter Thread starter mds1991
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

mds1991

Guest
I hate to bother everyone with this but this bothers me so much that I would really like some help, or advice with.

To start off, my family is Polish but we have lived in the US for 17 years now. My father has been going each year lately to visit his brother and for All Saints Day. This year when he left, me as a joke told him he can find me a girlfriend. Well, when he came back he asked my uncles neighbors daughter(an old family friend) to add me on Facebook. At the time too my dad was telling me that he found me a girlfriend kind of teasing me about it.

I found this a little odd but nice, but things were a little awkward and strange that I decided I would just be nice. Her and I talked quite a bit at first and she seemed really nice and interested in talking to me. I am 21 and she will be turning 18 here in a few weeks though she still has 1 more year of “high school”. My father invited her next summer to come work for us since we have a family business. My mother told me she comes from a good family and her father once worked for my grandfathers business too, so I guess you can say our families have a history in a way. She does seem really nice and from the feeling I get from her, she seems like the kind of person I would like to spend my life with. When we first started talking a few weeks in she randomly asked me if I have a girlfriend and everything too, and she asked me several times from when we first started talking until now when I will come to Poland, so I feel she is interested in meeting me first before we really do anything.

We really only talked a lot for the first few weeks, then on and off after that. It has mainly been me talking to her, but I do understand the awkwardness her and I both share since we never met, there is only so much you can really talk about - especially over facebook. I find myself thinking about her everyday since we first started talking which has been 7 months so far and it makes me frustrated why I think so much about her especially if I never met her before. I pray every day so things between her and I can work out and get better but good chances are this October I will go with my father, and maybe my mother so I can hopefully be able to spend time with her.

One thing that makes me a little unsure and worried is when my mother and father met, my mother went to Poland to visit a guy she had been talking with but instead met my father and her and my father wrote letters for 1/2 year and then got married. They have been married 35 years now. So in a way I am in a similar situation as my parents were and I know things with this girl can work out, but at the same time maybe not. I know I think more than I need to about it but it is always on my mind and I can say she seems like the kind of girl I would like to be with, and I feel her and I would fit nice together. I have never had a girlfriend before nor been with a girl and I can say I think she never had a boyfriend which makes me happy.

Last week I really was down about this whole situation that before I went to sleep I prayed to have things get better, I haven’t talked with her in 2 months and still thought about her each day, but I woke up in the middle of the night and I really felt like somebody leaned over my bed and gave me a kiss on the cheek, but no one was there. The next morning me and the girl started talking a little bit. So I am not sure if this is ironic or not, but I felt good about it and it made me feel like god is really watching over us, but at the same time I am afraid if things will not work out and I will get hurt in the end. I truly feel like things will work out, but then again there is the chance of uncertainty.

I apologize for ranting so much but I really would like a little help, or advice with the situation. I do know I think too much about it and I have my whole life ahead of me but I have this going on in my life for a reason and I would like to have this worked out since it is on my mind a lot and just want things to get better and work out. :confused: Thank you for all your help.
 
Aw, I am sure you are frustrated. I am Polish too, so pray to Our Lady of Czestochowa for her gentle guidance and blessings.

Do you still feel you want to meet her? Is it possible that you can do it sooner than October? Do you work in your family’s business or are you in college?
 
Don’t you have anything else to do? Are you on summer break from college? Do you have a job? I think you need to stay busy and not focus or dwell on your relationship with this girl. She could be perfectly nice but you haven’t met her yet, so don’t get too far down the road into a relationship including spending the rest of your life with her. You’re getting the cart ahead of the horse, so to speak. She’s also 3 years younger than you are, which can be a big gap at your ages.
 
The age difference seems wierd to me, to be honest. If she were 18 and had just finished her first year of college that would be one thing, but a high schooler and a 21 year old? It wouldn’t be done in my own family or peer circle anyway.
 
Aelred_Minor said:
The age difference seems wierd to me, to be honest. If she were 18 and had just finished her first year of college that would be one thing, but a high schooler and a 21 year old? It wouldn’t be done in my own family or peer circle anyway.
Click to expand...
True, I went back and confirmed that she is 18 but still in high school for another year. :eek: A 21 year old man should really not be dating someone in high school. My two sons would be rather stunned to hear of this. What would they, grown men, have to do with someone in high school? It’s kind of creepy frankly. Even my younger son, who is 19, has completed his first year of college and wouldn’t go back to raid the high school.
 
The age difference, in the grand scheme, is almost nothing. The issue really only is that you are both young, and she seems too young to me for a few more years to be seriously dating.

Still, the story sounds like a movie script. My Big Polish Wedding. If you do connect with this girl, it would be a pretty awesome story.
 
Yes I know I am thinking too much, I know what I need is to meet her first and from then things will make more sense. I do work and when I do I usually work alone and have time to think and I am in college later this year.

I have been praying to Matka Boska Lichenska, we received a picture out of good faith from a family friend a few years ago but I will try praying to Our Lady of Czestochowa. I would really like to meet her to figure out why I think about her constantly. It has been 8 months of me thinking about her with never meeting her. But this October I will go with my father for All Souls Day.

Thank you all for your time and help.
 
I agree we are both young, if she were to come next summer she would be 19 and it would give us time maybe to at least start something. I am not planning on getting married now anyway and I don’t see anything wrong with a 3 year age difference. That is around what my parents have as well.

I guess theost important will be to meet her first and see what happens.I do appreciate all of your help and sorry to trouble you all with it.
 
mds1991 said:
Yes I know I am thinking too much, I know what I need is to meet her first and from then things will make more sense. I do work and when I do I usually work alone and have time to think and I am in college later this year.

I have been praying to Matka Boska Lichenska, we received a picture out of good faith from a family friend a few years ago but I will try praying to Our Lady of Czestochowa. I would really like to meet her to figure out why I think about her constantly. It has been 8 months of me thinking about her with never meeting her. But this October I will go with my father for All Souls Day.

Thank you all for your time and help.
Click to expand...
That’s called “obsessing.” It’s when you dwell on a subject to the extent that it’s all you can think about. Put the issue out of your mind for now, and do other things.
 
I do agree with you both that her and I are both young, and I am thinking toouch into it, but my intentions for this whole situation are for good. As I said I am not dating her nor am I marrying her, when I go in October I will be for a few weeks hopefully enough time for her and I to get to know each other better and for me to realize why I feel the way I do for her. If she were to co.e next sure she will be 19, and ready to attend university so hopefully that would give us those fewonths to “start something” if it really were meant to be.

I don’t mean to argue, but the difference between you both and myself is the culture. My family is Polish, I was born there but moved when I was young. My father goes there over the years and this year (maybe because I told him to find me a girlfriend) he stopped by my uncles neighbor and old family friend and asked “Does your daughter have a boyfriend?” “Neither does my son, maybe they can be a good match together.” - sinct my father knows the family and they come from a good family. This is how my parents met, this is how my grandparents met, and my parents stalled to friends for my siblings and their kids. Unless my family and her family are old fashioned there is more to it than that which is partly why it is still on my mind - and I am sure on hers, maybe now where near as much as mine.

So if your sons want to read this and laugh at me for thinking about being with an 18 year old girl, I hope you know there is more to it than that, and there are good intentions for the situation. Sorry for my aggression, and I really do appreciate your guys’ advice and help, it did give me something to think about.
 
mds1991 said:
I do agree with you both that her and I are both young, and I am thinking toouch into it, but my intentions for this whole situation are for good. As I said I am not dating her nor am I marrying her, when I go in October I will be for a few weeks hopefully enough time for her and I to get to know each other better and for me to realize why I feel the way I do for her. If she were to co.e next sure she will be 19, and ready to attend university so hopefully that would give us those fewonths to “start something” if it really were meant to be.

I don’t mean to argue, but the difference between you both and myself is the culture. My family is Polish, I was born there but moved when I was young. My father goes there over the years and this year (maybe because I told him to find me a girlfriend) he stopped by my uncles neighbor and old family friend and asked “Does your daughter have a boyfriend?” “Neither does my son, maybe they can be a good match together.” - sinct my father knows the family and they come from a good family. This is how my parents met, this is how my grandparents met, and my parents stalled to friends for my siblings and their kids. Unless my family and her family are old fashioned there is more to it than that which is partly why it is still on my mind - and I am sure on hers, maybe now where near as much as mine.

So if your sons want to read this and laugh at me for thinking about being with an 18 year old girl, I hope you know there is more to it than that, and there are good intentions for the situation. Sorry for my aggression, and I really do appreciate your guys’ advice and help, it did give me something to think about.
Click to expand...
It’s OK, there are cultural differences here, so I will let that aspect go. I still think you are thinking about her too much considering that you don’t know what will happen when you meet her. I guess if it’s a match made by your dad, maybe you will both cooperate with it and get married at some point. If so, good luck to both of you! 🙂
 
Fact of the matter is, love is a kind of obsession. So people telling you that you ought not be obsessed are not really helping much.

The important thing is to remain rational about all the other factors that make a strong marriage. The advantage here is that you have time. You can remain in contact with her all the time. You have the internet. Back in your father’s time, people only had phone calls, which were extremely expensive, and letters which were pretty loose contact.

Go to college while remaining in contact with her. You can visit her, then she can come visit you. By the time you finish college you will know.

But I do like the story you described. I hope things work out for you.
 
Honestly, the only worry I would have (if all goes well with meeting her in person) is that, being in high school, you’re not entirely sure where she’s going to be two years from now (if she’s not planning on college, then this point is moot really).

The age difference isn’t too bad, although I would argue that 3 years is at my personal limit.:o
 
Lamentation said:
Honestly, the only worry I would have (if all goes well with meeting her in person) is that, being in high school, you’re not entirely sure where she’s going to be two years from now (if she’s not planning on college, then this point is moot really).

The age difference isn’t too bad, although I would argue that 3 years is at my personal limit.:o
Click to expand...
It’s not the years, it’s where they are in life, she still has a year in high school while he is in college and has left the high school years behind. Until they both graduate from college, they will remain at this divide, unless he remains in academia. He will have graduated from college while she is still a sophomore. Once they are 25 and 28, the difference won’t be so problematic.

JMO.
 
Well, sure, but that doesn’t mean they cannot remain in contact and maintain a healthy relationship until they graduate. What this means is that they have all that time to learn about each other and grow together. If they reach graduation and don’t feel marriage would be appropriate, then so be it.

He would have a lot better time of avoiding temptation in college while maintaining a courtship with her than without. That’s for sure.

If they do get married, they will have a very beautiful story. Who doesn’t want that?
 
I appreciate your encouragement Rete, I was initially planning on just being nice and waiting to see what happens and I always felt that once her and I meet it would decide a lot, I am just not sure what happened that made me think so much into it. My parents met in a similar way and only saw each other a few times and wrote letters before she went back to Poland to marry him. I am not expecting to rush into anything as soon as they did but it would be nice to have things work out since as you said, it would be a nice story. 🙂

I will just stick with my initial plan of waiting to see what happens and try to not have it bother me that much. It is frustrating to me still that I think so much into it already. I like the idea of thinking about her since this whole thing from the start got me thinking differently about my life, but I do agree I am still young to be thinking that far into it but I am not planning on getting married tomorrow. As long as I have someone close by is what I would really like.

And I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut Juliane, I do understand what you were trying to say and I do agree with you that I am thinking much more into it than I really would like. I still feel that the best solution is to at least see each other first, but it is a little strange and awkward and it is a little odd with me being 21 and her being 18 when we meet, but all we would do is meet and I will try to make that not ruin the opportunity to at least meet her and get to know her better. My mother told me the same that I shouldn’t be thinking so much about it yet since I have never met her and I agree with that, it is still a little hard for me to get my mind off of it, but as I said my intentions are for the good.

Thank you all for taking the time to listen and help me out.
 
I would just like to have things work out and keep a clear mind until then. The best chance for any of this to work out is to just go and visit her first and see her. I don’t want to think so much into it and I don’t know what to expect but I would like it if her and I could get closer and if she were able to come visit next summer she can meet my grandfather and my grandfather would be able to meet her since she is the best chance for the moment of having a girlfriend, and my grandfathers health is not quite the same as it has been over the years.

thanks again for everything and sorry to bother you all with this.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top