U
UbiCaritas
Guest
So, I’m poking my head out from my Lenten social media fast (it’s Sunday! 
) to get some suggestions.
In a few weeks, I will be travelling cross-country to attend a memorial for an older relative of mine. Though an atheist, he was a very kind and generous man, and one who will be sorely missed. His wife died years ago, and he had one child who’s almost a generation older than I am. That’s about it for that side of the family.
I just learned that my mother will be attending the memorial as well. My mother is an alcoholic who displays distinctly sociopathic tendencies. She threatens lawsuits (and sometimes carries them out) anytime she’s crossed, she has stolen my and my sister’s identities in the past and used them to commit tax fraud, she was abusive when we were kids, and she has tried to sabotage just about every good thing that’s ever happened to us. (Think actively interfering with receiving college financial aid, getting drunk and behaving inappropriately with men in authority who have some sort of professional relationship with her daughters, trying to ruin DH’s and my wedding, and so forth.)
I haven’t had contact with her for almost four years, and severely limited my contact before that per a confessor’s advice. She doesn’t know about DD, and that’s not going to change anytime soon. If she did, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that she’d fake CPS reports, sue us, and/or steal DD’s identity–all that made the easier by the fact that in my state, grandparents have the right to request and receive a copy of their grandkids’ birth certificates.
The thing is, I’ll be about 7 months pregnant at the memorial service. I have always been heavier, so while I’m definitely showing now, I may be able to pull it off so that she doesn’t realize it with clothes and such–she might just assume I’ve gained weight. Her eyesight’s pretty bad, which might help.
My plan is a) to go (I’d never have gotten through school without this relative’s help, and it’s not fair to saddle the one surviving younger relative with all the memorial arrangements), b) to avoid her as much as possible while there, and c) if she does catch up with me and ask if I’m pregnant, follow Miss Manners’ advice under such circumstances: raise an eyebrow, and in shocked tones, say “I beg your pardon?” as that’s just not a question one asks in polite society.
Does anyone have any other ideas on how to handle this as charitably as possible? I don’t want to be nasty, but I also have to protect my family.
Last point: there will be one other relative there who doesn’t know I’m pregnant. It’s a bit sad: he’s very elderly, and is genuinely the sweetest guy in the world. Knowing how far on the outs mother and I are would break his heart, just as knowing that I had kids but didn’t tell him would do the same thing. I haven’t told him about the kids (ah, the joys of a family scattered across the country!) because I didn’t want to mix him up in all this. I think he might realize that mother’s an alcoholic, but I’m also quite sure he doesn’t know how ghastly her behavior has been, and to be able to explain why she can’t know about the kids, I’d have to drag all that up. How on earth am I supposed to handle things with him? Right now, I’m thinking of doing the same thing as with mother (avoid–he hasn’t seen me in over ten years, and I’ve changed significantly, so he may not even recognize me), though I can’t see him being tactless enough to ask if I’m pregnant.
The good news is that we’re talking about 2 hours max of intermingling. I’m staying at a hotel far away (yay, train service!) at which I can confidently say that neither she nor the other relatives will be.
) to get some suggestions.In a few weeks, I will be travelling cross-country to attend a memorial for an older relative of mine. Though an atheist, he was a very kind and generous man, and one who will be sorely missed. His wife died years ago, and he had one child who’s almost a generation older than I am. That’s about it for that side of the family.
I just learned that my mother will be attending the memorial as well. My mother is an alcoholic who displays distinctly sociopathic tendencies. She threatens lawsuits (and sometimes carries them out) anytime she’s crossed, she has stolen my and my sister’s identities in the past and used them to commit tax fraud, she was abusive when we were kids, and she has tried to sabotage just about every good thing that’s ever happened to us. (Think actively interfering with receiving college financial aid, getting drunk and behaving inappropriately with men in authority who have some sort of professional relationship with her daughters, trying to ruin DH’s and my wedding, and so forth.)
I haven’t had contact with her for almost four years, and severely limited my contact before that per a confessor’s advice. She doesn’t know about DD, and that’s not going to change anytime soon. If she did, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that she’d fake CPS reports, sue us, and/or steal DD’s identity–all that made the easier by the fact that in my state, grandparents have the right to request and receive a copy of their grandkids’ birth certificates.
The thing is, I’ll be about 7 months pregnant at the memorial service. I have always been heavier, so while I’m definitely showing now, I may be able to pull it off so that she doesn’t realize it with clothes and such–she might just assume I’ve gained weight. Her eyesight’s pretty bad, which might help.
My plan is a) to go (I’d never have gotten through school without this relative’s help, and it’s not fair to saddle the one surviving younger relative with all the memorial arrangements), b) to avoid her as much as possible while there, and c) if she does catch up with me and ask if I’m pregnant, follow Miss Manners’ advice under such circumstances: raise an eyebrow, and in shocked tones, say “I beg your pardon?” as that’s just not a question one asks in polite society.
Does anyone have any other ideas on how to handle this as charitably as possible? I don’t want to be nasty, but I also have to protect my family.
Last point: there will be one other relative there who doesn’t know I’m pregnant. It’s a bit sad: he’s very elderly, and is genuinely the sweetest guy in the world. Knowing how far on the outs mother and I are would break his heart, just as knowing that I had kids but didn’t tell him would do the same thing. I haven’t told him about the kids (ah, the joys of a family scattered across the country!) because I didn’t want to mix him up in all this. I think he might realize that mother’s an alcoholic, but I’m also quite sure he doesn’t know how ghastly her behavior has been, and to be able to explain why she can’t know about the kids, I’d have to drag all that up. How on earth am I supposed to handle things with him? Right now, I’m thinking of doing the same thing as with mother (avoid–he hasn’t seen me in over ten years, and I’ve changed significantly, so he may not even recognize me), though I can’t see him being tactless enough to ask if I’m pregnant.
The good news is that we’re talking about 2 hours max of intermingling. I’m staying at a hotel far away (yay, train service!) at which I can confidently say that neither she nor the other relatives will be.
I gave myself a week to think about what you (and various RL people) had to say, as well as to sort out my thinking. The result is that DH and I are going to eat the cost of the ticket–I’m not going. grimace
Methinks a really nice note, emphasizing how wonderful her parents were, apologizing for not being there, and mentioning a check sent to the relative’s favorite charity in his memory are in order.