Pregnancy/ moodiness/ fatigue

[Samwise1]

Just need some advice on how to ‘cope’ as a husband.

Around a month ago, we checked and as we already expected: We are expecting!

Everything’s going well, just my wife feels tired/nausea and sometimes moody.

On top of that, also because of this new ‘expansion’, we are planning to buy a more suitable house. Since she is not from my country, it’s difficult to explain that certain qualities of a house are important - especially for a man with two left hands…

I work, she doesn’t and I think during the day she is just arranging a lot but not taking the rest she needs. The things she arranges things I would like to arrange together instead of knowing she is stressing herself out about it while we would make better decisions and actions together.

Yesterday, I came home. She proposed some houses that are just not the perfect ones (but we talked about that), then I proposed some and she didn’t even bother to look.

She already told me that she was tired when I came home. But instead of talking together or relaxing together, she decides to lock herself behind the computer and suddenly she picks up the tablet and goes to bed without even telling me.

We need to find a house quickly - as doing so will finally mean we can start saving money for future and unexpected expenses.

I just don’t know how to help her to relax more, express herself more.

PS: I would like to help more in the household but she just seems to ‘own’ the kitchen and tries to hold me off when I pick up some chore after I come home.

Your views are very welcome!

 

[Xantippe]

DON’T BUY A HOUSE NOW!

Have your baby, settle in (maybe get a bigger rental if necessary–maybe even a house of the kind you want), and let her discover for herself how things work. Also, your views on what you need will change as your family changes.

Don’t be in a hurry! Have fun! Save an emergency fund now instead!

Just need some advice on how to ‘cope’ as a husband.

Around a month ago, we checked and as we already expected: We are expecting!

Everything’s going well, just my wife feels tired/nausea and sometimes moody.

On top of that, also because of this new ‘expansion’, we are planning to buy a more suitable house. Since she is not from my country, it’s difficult to explain that certain qualities of a house are important - especially for a man with two left hands…

I work, she doesn’t and I think during the day she is just arranging a lot but not taking the rest she needs. The things she arranges things I would like to arrange together instead of knowing she is stressing herself out about it while we would make better decisions and actions together.

Yesterday, I came home. She proposed some houses that are just not the perfect ones (but we talked about that), then I proposed some and she didn’t even bother to look.

She already told me that she was tired when I came home. But instead of talking together or relaxing together, she decides to lock herself behind the computer and suddenly she picks up the tablet and goes to bed without even telling me.

We need to find a house quickly - as doing so will finally mean we can start saving money for future and unexpected expenses.

I just don’t know how to help her to relax more, express herself more.

PS: I would like to help more in the household but she just seems to ‘own’ the kitchen and tries to hold me off when I pick up some chore after I come home.

Your views are very welcome!

 

[Samwise1]

Just a quick reaction:
We can’t build an emergency fund right now because our rent is around 50% than a mortgage would be. That’s why we need to buy now: We barely make ends meet now.

 

[Xantippe]

Just a quick reaction:
We can’t build an emergency fund right now because our rent is around 50% than a mortgage would be. That’s why we need to buy now: We barely make ends meet now.

Have you figured in taxes and maintenance and additional commuting costs?

I feel that it’s very unlikely that owning a home is going to be substantially cheaper for you when all things are considered. We have a house payment that is maybe only $100 more than our old rent, but when you throw in property taxes (at least $600 a month), the need to water the lawn (to protect the foundation), and other maintenance costs, our monthly housing costs have almost certainly doubled.

Also, as a homeowner (and as a parent), you need to have an emergency fund before buying. In the US, I would not encourage less than $10k as an emergency fund, because stuff happens to houses, and it’s often very expensive stuff–the house floods and has to be dehumidified, a tree falls and has to be cut down completely and carried away, a toilet has mysterious chronic issues, siding is rotting, or it turns out the house has termites, a washing machine or microwave or fridge has to be replaced, etc. I find that as a family (and this is usually either house, car and/or medical) we have a $1500 problem about once a year and a $400 problem every three months–ad that is in a good year. It can be an ongoing effort to keep the emergency fund solvent.

We have found it much, much harder to save as homeowners.

 

[Samwise1]

Thanks Xantippe, I figured out the financial details. It IS cheaper, and we don’t live in the US.

My question is about how to be a better spouse on communication-level.

To be a bit clearer:
We don’t need a backup fund where I live - but this is going to change soon. I have an insurance already covering everything, and insurances are easy to come by.
Right now we are in a nice apartment in the middle of a touristic town. The living area is very very big, but doesn’t have a baby room. We want to move to a more typical house. Also to a city to make public transit more accessible for my wife.

 

[Anna_jane]

Pregnancy is one of those things that the exhaustion can hit very suddenly, almost without warning. I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by going to bed so soon, she just was hit by a tidal wave of tiredness and climbed into bed. It used to happen to me all the time.
On the house front, have you both tried making one of those lists of things you want in a house? It isn’t something to do at the end of the day when you’ve both had a long day, maybe a weekend morning when you’re both fresh? Different columns for things in a house that are necessary vs things that you’d like if possible. She might have a different set of things she considers non negotiable than you do, and a list might help to clear a few of those misunderstandings up. Also, talk about WHY certain things are nonnegotiable to you both.

 

[pianistclare]

I doubt if anyone in the US can offer substantial advice other than, enjoy this time of waiting, don’t expect too much from your wife and make sure she’s healthy.
Things are going to get hectic, very soon.
Congratulations on the new life!

 

[Xantippe]

Pregnancy is one of those things that the exhaustion can hit very suddenly, almost without warning. I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by going to bed so soon, she just was hit by a tidal wave of tiredness and climbed into bed. It used to happen to me all the time.
On the house front, have you both tried making one of those lists of things you want in a house? It isn’t something to do at the end of the day when you’ve both had a long day, maybe a weekend morning when you’re both fresh? Different columns for things in a house that are necessary vs things that you’d like if possible. She might have a different set of things she considers non negotiable than you do, and a list might help to clear a few of those misunderstandings up. Also, talk about WHY certain things are nonnegotiable to you both.

Right.

And if she’s feeling too tired to look at houses, she’s too tired to look at houses.

You may have much better luck during the second trimester–a lot of women feel peppier then. (I did my first pregnancy, but not so much during subsequent pregnancies.)

 

[Xantippe]

It’s actually not that bad moving with a little baby (especially if you have good moving help)–4-6 months is a nice age for both moving and travel. Where it gets rough is when you have a toddler who needs to be kept away from all the open doors, dangerous stuff in open boxes, box cutter blades, etc.

We did our last move when our youngest was about 7 months old, and she was practically perfect (but we had very good help with the packing and move). I’m not sure how we did it, but we unpacked in a decent period of time. (And we have had worse experiences with our moves with kids–one of the times we unpacked, I was realizing that some of the closed boxes dated back to a move at least 6 years earlier and had never been opened since then.)

 

[RPRPsych]

It’s actually not that bad moving with a little baby (especially if you have good moving help)–4-6 months is a nice age for both moving and travel. Where it gets rough is when you have a toddler who needs to be kept away from all the open doors, dangerous stuff in open boxes, box cutter blades, etc.

We did our last move when our youngest was about 7 months old, and she was practically perfect (but we had very good help with the packing and move). I’m not sure how we did it, but we unpacked in a decent period of time. (And we have had worse experiences with our moves with kids–one of the times we unpacked, I was realizing that some of the closed boxes dated back to a move at least 6 years earlier and had never been opened since then.)

Very true. We had to move to our new house when RPR Junior was about 7 months and it was plain sailing. He even enjoyed sitting in the suitcases whenever they were empty.

To the OP: besides the excellent advice that the wise women of CAF have given you, as a man, all I can say is: be a nice guy (I’m sure you already are, though ), and give your wife a wide berth. Try to take the nausea, mood changes, etc. in your stride, and offer a helping hand when you can. It’ll do both her and your baby a world of good.

 

[The_Bucket]

With respect, a “baby room”?

That baby is going to be living in your room for months. So here’s the deal bro… either you’re going to move like, now, or you should wait until the baby is 6-9 months or something and your wife is at 100%.

As someone who has moved with two toddlers and also with two young children and a very pregnant wife… the former was by far easier. Your wife is not going to be able to contribute much to the moving situation when you get into the latter months. And, if anything, all you’ll be contributing to her is added stress.

The exhaustion is real. I’ve seen it first hand. Four times. She looks her normal self in those first few months, but hormones are making her feel like she’s run a marathon every day. It’s crazy but it’s real. It’s a woman’s body screaming at her to slow down because the baby needs that energy.

In the second trimester she’ll feel more her normal self. Those three months are usually pretty great. But then the third trimester rolls around and it’s like the first trimester… plus aches and pains.

Pregnancy really is a lot of strain on a woman. Not an impossible strain; they’re designed for it, but a strain nonetheless.

As the kids say these days… the struggle is indeed real.

 

[Lorelei12]

We moved when I was 6-7 months pregnant. We had movers, so it was really no big deal and actually less stressful than in the past when we had to coordinate family members to help us. Part of the reason we moved was so that we could put the baby in his own room, and thank goodness we did because he went in there when he was only a couple of weeks old and everyone had a hard time when he was in our bedroom.

It sounds like you have some miscommunication going on. You have certain things you want in a house, that you are insisting on, but is she getting the same consideration? You both have to live there, so you need to come to some kind of agreement where you both get at least some of the things you want. You rejected the homes she found, so she can do the same to yours. Have you both sat down together to make a list of must-haves that includes (name removed by moderator)ut from both of you?

You also mentioned that she doesn’t work, but doesn’t seem to be taking the “rest that she needs”. Is there a particular reason you don’t think she is resting enough? Does she have pregnancy complications? Try not to assume what she needs. Instead, ask her if there is anything you can do to help her. If she says no, then she’s okay. If she mentions something specific, do it.

Does she know that you wanted to talk and spend time with her after work, or do you just assume that she knows that? Sometimes the fatigue from pregnancy can be so overwhelming you don’t really want to talk or do anything but fall into bed. And it comes and goes- you can be okay one minute, and the next practically asleep.

 

[Xantippe]

We moved when I was 6-7 months pregnant. We had movers, so it was really no big deal and actually less stressful than in the past when we had to coordinate family members to help us. Part of the reason we moved was so that we could put the baby in his own room, and thank goodness we did because he went in there when he was only a couple of weeks old and everyone had a hard time when he was in our bedroom.

It sounds like you have some miscommunication going on. You have certain things you want in a house, that you are insisting on, but is she getting the same consideration? You both have to live there, so you need to come to some kind of agreement where you both get at least some of the things you want. You rejected the homes she found, so she can do the same to yours. Have you both sat down together to make a list of must-haves that includes (name removed by moderator)ut from both of you?

You also mentioned that she doesn’t work, but doesn’t seem to be taking the “rest that she needs”. Is there a particular reason you don’t think she is resting enough? Does she have pregnancy complications? Try not to assume what she needs. Instead, ask her if there is anything you can do to help her. If she says no, then she’s okay. If she mentions something specific, do it.

Does she know that you wanted to talk and spend time with her after work, or do you just assume that she knows that? Sometimes the fatigue from pregnancy can be so overwhelming you don’t really want to talk or do anything but fall into bed. And it comes and goes- you can be okay one minute, and the next practically asleep.

Yes, early in the day on the weekend might be a better time for spending time together.