Pregnant 20 year old daughter

[daisey010]

Hi, I am new here I have looked around the forums for a while. Now I find I just don’t know where to turn for help, I just can’t tell anyone this. My 20 year old daughter came to me today to tell me she is pregnant, and I am just shocked, she just got a good job, and was gonna take classes at the community college in the fall. I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone. It turns out the father is a 40 year old which really shakes me up. I am catholic and I raised my children catholic, but I guess not well enough, I feel like I failed as a parent and I am worried for her. She wants to stay living at home, which I am grateful for. How will the church look on this, she said she will have the baby baptized. I feel bad feeling embaressed about this but I am! Thank you for any help, God Bless, Daisey

 

[Joannm]

Hi, I am new here I have looked around the forums for a while. Now I find I just don’t know where to turn for help, I just can’t tell anyone this. My 20 year old daughter came to me today to tell me she is pregnant, and I am just shocked, she just got a good job, and was gonna take classes at the community college in the fall. I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone. It turns out the father is a 40 year old which really shakes me up. I am catholic and I raised my children catholic, but I guess not well enough, I feel like I failed as a parent and I am worried for her. She wants to stay living at home, which I am grateful for. How will the church look on this, she said she will have the baby baptized. I feel bad feeling embaressed about this but I am! Thank you for any help, God Bless, Daisey

Know that you are not alone. I have quite a number of friends whose daughters became pregnant at an early age without marriage. These girls were practicing Catholics, going to Mass each week and even involved in the parish. They made a mistake. The Church is not going to look down on them and if anyone looks down on you then they have a big problem. This happens in the best of families. You did not fail. She has a free will and made her own choice. Thank the Lord she is brining the child to birth and not aborting it. My friends now are grandmothers, at a young age, and these children are their pride and joy. Their daughters are still going to church and one is now teaching CCD. If a priest denies baptism then report him to the bishop. We are a Church that forgives.

The best thing you can do for her is support her, pray for her, and love her and her baby. The best thing you can do for yourself is find a support system. Talk to your priest or to a faith filled woman who you feel comfortable with. Sometimes this is better than talking to a priest. In fact, when one of our prominent parishioner’s daughter found herself pregnant the parishioner went to the priest who spoke to her a bit and then asked her to talk to me, since, as he said, she needed to talk to a woman who would understand better than he ever could.

 

[1ke]

So, 12 years ago my then 19 year old sister brought the same news to my parents. She was in college, living at home, with a boyfriend no one knew about. The boyfriend rapidly exited the scene after she told him she was pregnant.

Take a deep breath, it will be ok. It really will. There is no reason that she cannot continue with plans to go to college this semester and certainly no reason she can’t continue with her job.

I would encourage you to go to family counseling through Catholic Charities. They can help her make a decision to parent or place for adoption. My sister placed for adoption, in an open adoption. We have regular contact with her son.

Don’t worry about what other people think. My sister continued to be active in the parish, continued with school, etc.

Go to counseling and make the best plan for the child-- whether that is parenting or placing for adoption.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

If a priest denies baptism then report him to the bishop. We are a Church that forgives.

The priest is fully within his right as a priest to defer baptism if there isn’t reasonable hope the child will be brought up in the faith. This is written right in Canon Law. I can’t tell you how many children who were born out of wedlock, were baptized, but were never raised in the faith.

 

[cmscms]

I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone. It turns out the father is a 40 year old which really shakes me up. I am catholic and I raised my children catholic, but I guess not well enough, I feel like I failed as a parent and I am worried for her.

God loves both you and your daughter and I think she is very courageous to keep the baby when so many women choose the ‘easy way out’ and abort. You obviously did something right !

Anyone who judges you or your daughter will answer for it come judgement day.

WIth that said, I hope you understand I am not judging you but speaking the truth in love. Also, I know you can’t change the past, but you can change the future and this is what I believe your daughter needs.

If you didn’t even know she was seeing someone, that obviously shows she was not comfortable talking to you about having a boyfriend. And that seems to show a lack of communication between you. By the time a woman is 20, she should be able to tell her mom about her boyfriends.

Perhaps you need to win her trust. If she could go to you with her dating problems, you would better be able to guide her. For example, when I was 26 a man was pressuring me to have sex or else he would break up. I lived 200 miles from my parents but I was comfortable enough to call them up and cry on their shoulder and they helped me to realize I should dump him then and there.

So again, I am NOT judging you. I am simply saying now that she is pregnant, she needs her mom’s support even more. I know it is going to be difficult, but you do need to be there for her in a non-judgemental way.

I hope that makes sense

CM

 

[daisey010]

Oh thank you both so much for your kind words, I can’t tell you how much it means to me!! I was crying reading both of your posts. Thats why I posted here I really have no one to talk to about this, besides my husband who doesn’t even know yet!! My mom past away last year, and her friend who I talked to after she pasted just pasted away in July. I will try to talk with the priest though we have a really good priest who I like alot I just didn’t know how he would take it, he does know my daughter, and that would be a good place to start. She does want to continue to go to school so I will just pray she has enough energy to do it all. Again thank you so much. God Bless

 

[daisey010]

Oh CM I know what you are saying and yes that is a really big problem for me, I am sorry to say. I must stop casting judgement it seems like I do it alot and I have got to try not to do that! She actually told me she did not tell me about the boyfriend because she was afraid of what I would say!! I have got to bite my lip I really don’t know why I do, I guess I really need to think before I talk. Thank you, for saying what you did it really didn’t occur to me. God Bless

 

[cmscms]

Oh CM I know what you are saying and yes that is a really big problem for me, I am sorry to say. I must stop casting judgement it seems like I do it alot and I have got to try not to do that! She actually told me she did not tell me about the boyfriend because she was afraid of what I would say!! I have got to bite my lip I really don’t know why I do, I guess I really need to think before I talk. Thank you, for saying what you did it really didn’t occur to me. God Bless

Like I said, you can NOT change the past but you can change the future. The fact that she was able to tell you she was pregnant is a good sign. It is a beginning. God can turn sin into good. Well… maybe this will be the start of a great mother/daughter relationship

 

[Kelfa28]

Oh thank you both so much for your kind words, I can’t tell you how much it means to me!! I was crying reading both of your posts. Thats why I posted here I really have no one to talk to about this, besides my husband who doesn’t even know yet!! My mom past away last year, and her friend who I talked to after she pasted just pasted away in July. I will try to talk with the priest though we have a really good priest who I like alot I just didn’t know how he would take it, he does know my daughter, and that would be a good place to start. She does want to continue to go to school so I will just pray she has enough energy to do it all. Again thank you so much. God Bless

Encourage her to keep going with school.
I was planning on getting through school for the next few years since I’m in the military and can take advantage of the GI bill.

Then my husband and I found out we were expecting. This complicated things since I couldn’t put off school.

I suggest the first semester she go to class and the second semester she take online classes. That is exactly what I did before I had my LO and I got straight As just fine.
Some of my friends thought I was nuts but I kept my full school schedule and my military obligations.

I’m starting my second semester this fall and we’ve got a babysitting schedule figured out in advance that involves help from the grandparents and my husband.

Let her know it’s totally possible and your willing to help out as much as you can, never punish her by denying her help…I know a mother that refused to help when her teenage daughter got pregnant and wanted to go to school…basically saying "you made an adult decision, act like an adult!

If she is leaning toward adoption…help her with the process and encourage her and support her.

Encourage her to go to confession and then go to Mass to receive the sacraments as often as possible.

One thing I didn’t mention…my husband and I weren’t married yet when we found out we were expecting…though we were engaged.

I knew I needed a reality check…and going to Church often really helped…I prayed the rosary daily, I went to Mass for the Eucharist as often as I could during the week. I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more!

It really helps and it encourages you to keep going…encourage her to start going to Church often.
Tell her God is always forgiving.

 

[Veronica97]

Your daughter is choosing to have her baby and wants to have it baptized. You must have done something VERY RIGHT!! I would encourage her to go to confession though (maybe you can go yourself and ask if she would like to go with you?) And I would also make sure she understands what she is undertaking when she has her child baptized. She is PROMISING to GOD to raise that child Catholic. That means she must LIVE her faith and TEACH that faith to her child. For she will be held accountable for that, as all of us parents will. But PRAISE GOD your daughter chose LIFE!!!

 

[LightBound]

The priest is fully within his right as a priest to defer baptism if there isn’t reasonable hope the child will be brought up in the faith. This is written right in Canon Law. I can’t tell you how many children who were born out of wedlock, were baptized, but were never raised in the faith.

Well, it does sound as though the grandma to be is very interested in making sure this child is raised in the faith…

 

[joanofarc2008]

I will pray for you and your daughter. My own pastor remarked last night on how he would like to start blessing women who are pregnant openly whether they are married or not. We should celebrate life always.

 

[Kelfa28]

I will pray for you and your daughter. My own pastor remarked last night on how he would like to start blessing women who are pregnant openly whether they are married or not. We should celebrate life always.

I heart this comment.

It was really intimidating going to Mass and RCIA while extremely pregnant and clearly, not married…yet.

But everyone was always so charitable and wonderful and seemed to love the fact that I was pregnant…regardless of my circumstance.

 

[Love2beCatholic]

…a 40 year old father? No offense, but I think something is wrong with him to get involved with a 20 year old.

 

[starryheart]

I’m happy to hear your daughter is keeping the baby. Don’t be embarrassed. I’ll be praying.

 

[Trishie]

Daisey, sending you a hug, and praying that you will be able to get through the days and months ahead.

God bless your daughter for her courage in telling you of her pregnancy.
That would have been a serious struggle for her, knowing it would distress you.
God bless her for desiring to protect her child,
and you for your willingness to help her.

My prayers for you and your daughter and your grandchild,
and for your husband.
Hopefully your husband will realize that being only 20, and that she has become pregnant by a man 20 years older, she has been seduced by a man who should know better than to target such a young person. I pray he will forgive your daughter her poor decision to become involved with this man, and that he can cope with the unexpected and radical news, and be as willing to help his daughter as you are.

May God give you all courage and strength.

 

[ABEACHGIRL]

If a priest denies baptism then report him to the bishop. We are a Church that forgives.

.

This is actually wrong. A priest does not have to Baptize every child brought before him. In fact, many priests will not do this if he thinks the child is not going to be brought up Catholic. An example would be refusing to Baptize a child of an unmarried couple living together and not planning to get married. Obviously these parents would not be teaching their child to live a Catholic life since they themselves were doing something that goes against church teaching.
The decision to Baptize is not based on how active the family is in the parish or on how much money a person makes. It is based on whether or not the child is going to be brought up in a Catholic home. Many people want their children Baptized just for the ceremony of it, or for tradition’s sake, but not for religious reasons. Therefore a priest must determine when this sacrament is appropriate.
Sometimes people make mistakes, learn from them and grow in the church. If your daughter is planning on raising her baby, and since she wants it Baptized, it seems she is, she may find herself drawn to the church. Only she knows why she did what she did and how she feels about her religion. Just because she became pregnant at 20 does not mean you did anything wrong. Parents cannot make every decision for their children. Your daughter may simply not have the same beliefs you do. It does not mean you did anything to make this happen. She is responsible for her actions. I would be embarrassed if my 20 year old daughter was pregnant and you are not a bad person for being so! It is an embarrassing situation. This does not mean you do not love your daughter. If she got a DWI you would probably be embarrassed as well. But you can be embarrassed while still loving her. The mistake was not yours, it was hers and the father of her child’s. They are the people who are responsible.
Of course it is hard to watch your child make bad decisions, but you have to accept that the decisions was not yours. Sometimes young parents get their acts together when they realize and accept their new roles. I think the greatest concern here is the fact that a 40 year old was in a sexual relationship with a 20 year old. While there are always exceptions, a 20 year age difference at this stage in your daughter’s life is troubling. I would not have the same concerns about a 35 and 55 year old. Regardless, your daughter has made the right decision in not aborting her baby. She could ultimately decide to place her baby for adoption, which is a wonderful gift to a child. Counseling may give your daughter the chance to talk through her thoughts and options and you may want to suggest that to her. But she is a big girl now and you cannot force her to do anything. I am sure she knows you are disappointed in her, but if you show her love at this time she will surely remember it for the rest of her life. Maybe when she has a 20 year old she will come to you and express her appreciation for the way you loved her through hard times.
I wish you and your daughter and her child the very best and hope for peace in your lives.

 

[Kindness]

Dear OP my brother and his girlfriend found they were expecting a baby when they were both 17, the baby was born when they were 18. The girlfriend underwent a lot of pressure from an older sister to not tell her parents and abort the baby.(The girlfriend was the baby of her family the youngest of four). They stayed together as a couple until their son was 3 and then their relationship broke down. My brother was not a good father after that (our mother had died of cancer when he was 10 and our father of a heart attack when he was 16).

However they both eventually met other people and are both now happily married and each had two more children in their new marriages. My nephew is now in his early twenties and is a specialist in the Navy. His whole family are very proud of him, he is dearly loved by his mom’s parents and her 3 older siblings and their families. He did not go on to repeat my brother’s mistakes and is a wonderful young man. None of the people in this scenario are Catholic or practicing any faith, but by God’s grace this beautiful and precious baby has had a very blessed life.

 

[Rose71]

Just posting to offer moral support!

You should be really proud of the fact that your daughter did confide in you; does not want to abort her child and wishes to have the child baptised.

20 is very young and I bet there are more people reading your thread than you imagine, thinking back to their 20s and thinking, “there but for the grace of God…”

The most holy, good and loving person I know and the one who has inspired me in my faith because she leads by the example of her actions (she attends Mass every Sunday too) was born out of wedlock nearly 80 years ago at a time when being a single mum really was something else!

Not a day goes by when I don’t thank God for the courage of my grandmother for keeping her baby and bringing her up as a Catholic and of my mother for the wonderful example she has set me throughout my life.

I know the next few months will be emotionally drainng for both of you (and the rest of the family) but focus on welcoming a new and innocent life into the family and helping your daughter be a wonderful mum. All true Catholics will rejoice at the prospect of welcoming a new baby into the world and I think you will find most of your fellow parishoners will also be supportive and empathetic.

We are not here to judge or to point out what ‘should’ have happened. We are here to pray for you x

 

[SpeSalvi]

I found out I was pregnant 3 days after getting engaged… I had just turned 20 as well.

My situation is a tiny bit different since I went ahead with the wedding and was married by the time my son got here, but the first half of the pregnancy was VERY difficult.

First off, please DO NOT assume you did anything wrong in raising your daughter. When my mom asked me the same thing- “What did I do wrong in parenting you?” it broke my heart. I already felt like a failure for getting pregnant, and my mother having that attitude made me feel even lower.

Please focus on the fact that your daughter is choosing to carry the baby. Even for girls that are adamantly pro-life, coming up pregnant really, really tests that. She HAS TO know that you’re not only going going to support her in carrying the child, but that you’ll defend her from those that will try to make her feel bad about it.

Yes, she made a mistake, but she knows that. She’s probably agonized over it for countless nights already. Now, what she needs is a loving and stable environment.
Talk to your priest on your own first, and then try to set up a meeting with your daughter and the priest so SHE can work on getting back to God.

I would also suggest possibly taking her to a crisis pregnancy center to confirm the pregnancy… The women there will CELEBRATE the fact that she’s pregnant and will give her another support system so you aren’t carrying this burden yourself.

Good luck. If you’d like to PM me and talk, please do. I haven’t been in your position, but I’ve been in your daughter’s and it’s unbelievably hard.