Pregnant 20 year old daughter

[cmscms]

…a 40 year old father? No offense, but I think something is wrong with him to get involved with a 20 year old.

With all due respect, yes on the surface it doesn’t sound too good. But we can not judge anyone in this situation and there could be a lot more to it than meets the eye.

Agreed in a lot of circumstances a 40 year old man who approaches a 20 year old woman is just playing on her innocence. But there is more to it than meets the eye. Maybe the girl lied about her age?

It takes two to tango and maybe the girl went after the 40 year old because she wanted a father figure.

I have no idea what the real situation is so it is best to not pass judgement. The whole point of this post is to help the OP move forward. And that is why I suggested learning to communicate. What is done is done and pointing fingers is just going to hurt people

CM

 

[AthenaC]

My 20 year old daughter came to me today to tell me she is pregnant, and I am just shocked, she just got a good job, and was gonna take classes at the community college in the fall.

How exactly would pregnancy and a baby keep her from either work or school? If she takes a couple months off right after the birth, she should be able to effectively do either: 1) be a mom and go to school; 2) be a mom and go to work; 3) go to school and go to work. Not all three at once (key word "effectively). Personally I would recommend #1 for now, with the caveat that “school” should not be “a few community college classes” but should be a focused plan to be employable after no more than three or four years of school.

Has she considered adoption or is she going to keep the baby? That could change the question. Also, I wanted to echo the other posters - there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Take a fertile young woman with a sex drive, multiply by a willing sex partner, divide by the failure rate of birth control, and voila! Pregnancy is all-but-guaranteed. Just like magic.

FYI, I speak from experience. I had my first baby as a 20-year-old single woman, and my second at 23 as an about-to-be-divorcee while I was in college. I took advantage of every public assistance program I could to get through. 10 years later I’m married, a taxpayer, a homeowner, and the breadwinner for a family of four. So despite what my mom told me when I caller her and gave her the news 10 years ago, young unwed pregnancy does not “ruin” one’s life. Not even close.

 

[AthenaC]

Agreed in a lot of circumstances a 40 year old man who approaches a 20 year old woman is just playing on her innocence. But there is more to it than meets the eye. Maybe the girl lied about her age?

It takes two to tango and maybe the girl went after the 40 year old because she wanted a father figure.

I appreciate your recommendation not to pass judgment, but I still see an underlying assumption (from multiple posters) that age disparity = red flag. I strongly disagree. Given that women mature earlier (and more extensively, one could argue) than men, it is easy to see why a woman would prefer someone much older (who in reality is at roughly the same maturity level). Perhaps my opinion is colored by the fact that although I have seen many couples with age disparities (and even dated much older men myself), I have never seen one where the man was “preying on her innocence” nor have I seen one where the woman has “daddy issues.”

 

[joshkt79]

The priest is fully within his right as a priest to defer baptism if there isn’t reasonable hope the child will be brought up in the faith. This is written right in Canon Law. I can’t tell you how many children who were born out of wedlock, were baptized, but were never raised in the faith.

This is true. My brother’s kids were denied baptism by his parish priest due to the fact that all 3 of his kids were born out of wedlock. The priest even told my brother to stop attending church until he starts doing the right thing and marrying his children’s mother. He married her and the preist still denied his children baptism. This is why my brother is not practicing the faith.

 

[cmscms]

I appreciate your recommendation not to pass judgment, but I still see an underlying assumption (from multiple posters) that age disparity = red flag. I strongly disagree. Given that women mature earlier (and more extensively, one could argue) than men, it is easy to see why a woman would prefer someone much older (who in reality is at roughly the same maturity level). Perhaps my opinion is colored by the fact that although I have seen many couples with age disparities (and even dated much older men myself), I have never seen one where the man was “preying on her innocence” nor have I seen one where the woman has “daddy issues.”

I am not exactly sure what your point is? I never directly stated the man in this situation was playing on her innocence nor did I directly state the girl had daddy issues. I said these are possibilities. It is quite possible they had a healthy relationship. That is why I said we can’t judge but with communication, the OP will be able to know the real situation and proceed accordingly.

CM

 

[Love2beCatholic]

I believe if the 40 year old was such a “healthy” individual…she wouldn’t be pregnant…enough said.

 

[fastenatingguy]

I found out I was pregnant 3 days after getting engaged… I had just turned 20 as well.

My situation is a tiny bit different since I went ahead with the wedding and was married by the time my son got here, but the first half of the pregnancy was VERY difficult.

First off, please DO NOT assume you did anything wrong in raising your daughter. When my mom asked me the same thing- “What did I do wrong in parenting you?” it broke my heart. I already felt like a failure for getting pregnant, and my mother having that attitude made me feel even lower.

**Please focus on the fact that your daughter is choosing to carry the baby. Even for girls that are adamantly pro-life, coming up pregnant really, really tests that. She HAS TO know that you’re not only going going to support her in carrying the child, but that you’ll defend her from those that will try to make her feel bad about it. **

Yes, she made a mistake, but she knows that. She’s probably agonized over it for countless nights already. Now, what she needs is a loving and stable environment.
Talk to your priest on your own first, and then try to set up a meeting with your daughter and the priest so SHE can work on getting back to God.

I would also suggest possibly taking her to a crisis pregnancy center to confirm the pregnancy… The women there will CELEBRATE the fact that she’s pregnant and will give her another support system so you aren’t carrying this burden yourself.

Good luck. If you’d like to PM me and talk, please do. I haven’t been in your position, but I’ve been in your daughter’s and it’s unbelievably hard.

Excellent point to make!

 

[mini_me640]

The priest is fully within his right as a priest to defer baptism if there isn’t reasonable hope the child will be brought up in the faith. This is written right in Canon Law. I can’t tell you how many children who were born out of wedlock, were baptized, but were never raised in the faith.

I can tell you just as many that were born to married parents, baptized, and never raised in the faith.

 

[AthenaC]

Even for girls that are adamantly pro-life, coming up pregnant really, really tests that. She HAS TO know that you’re not only going going to support her in carrying the child, but that you’ll defend her from those that will try to make her feel bad about it.

Excellent point to make!

I got so much attitude when I was 20 and pregnant, and a lot of reminders about my “options” (read: abortion). I had enough of a backbone that I didn’t care, which is also why other women in my office who got pregnant (while single) came to me for help and support in standing against pressure to get an abortion.

I recommend the movie “Juno.” The title character doesn’t let anyone’s opinion about her pregnancy faze her.

I believe if the 40 year old was such a “healthy” individual…she wouldn’t be pregnant…enough said.

Yes, because a sex drive is abnormal, and birth control works 100% of the time. Be that as it may, the baby is here.

 

[MarisaJean]

First of all let me say Congratulations on becoming a grandfather in the near future. I know right now you do not see this as a blessing in any way shape or form but I promise you in time you will. I was pregnant at the at of 23 and my parents were feeling everything you are if not more. The fact of the matter is this, God makes things happen for a reason. There is a reason God wants that child to belong to your daughter. You may not understand it now but eventually God’s plan always reveals itself. Please do not say you weren’t a good enough parent because you were and even more. First be pleased that your daughter felt comfortable enough coming to you regarding this matter and making the right decison to keep this baby and raise him / her catholic. She trusts you and looks up to you, so please…hear me when I say this…there are going to be days, many days you are angry with this situation but please do not let her see this. Pray on it instead. You do not want the image that she has of you to be altered in any form and you want her to continue to come to you in the future as well. Your daughter is going to need you in more ways then she probably knows right now. I personally do not know what I would have done without my parents by myside. And I look back on the situation now and as angry as they were at the time I know they wouldn’t want life any other way at this very moment. My little girl completes their household and makes their life joyful in ways one cannot describe. I am also very blessed that my daughter has such an amazing bond with my parents that she will treasure for the rest of her life. You will get through this as family. In the meantime take care of her and make sure she takes care of baby. Best wishes to all of you <3

 

[Anemone1]

Hi, I am new here I have looked around the forums for a while. Now I find I just don’t know where to turn for help, I just can’t tell anyone this. My 20 year old daughter came to me today to tell me she is pregnant, and I am just shocked, she just got a good job, and was gonna take classes at the community college in the fall. I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone. It turns out the father is a 40 year old which really shakes me up. I am catholic and I raised my children catholic, but I guess not well enough, I feel like I failed as a parent and I am worried for her. She wants to stay living at home, which I am grateful for. How will the church look on this, she said she will have the baby baptized. I feel bad feeling embaressed about this but I am! Thank you for any help, God Bless, Daisey

Daisey - Praise God she has choosen LIFE! The church is there to be our mother, to guide us, forgive wrongdoings, teach the truth and spread God’s mercy. She is not there to judge. Christ’s greatest attribute is His mercy… St. Faustina said this in her diary. Praise God that she wants her child to be baptized and is thinking of this! So many parents, (married parents too!) today are apathetic, ignorant and do not have their children baptized.
You have not failed as a parent! Do not let pride keep you from supporting her & loving her. I would urge her to go to confession, so that she may move forward too… Praying for you

 

[daisey010]

I just wanted to thank ALL of you who have posted to me through this forum! I have read and reread all of the posts, and I feel soooo blessed!! Reading all of your stories about early pregnancies, has made me realize we aren’t alone in this, and that by the Grace of the dear Lord we will prevail. I have been praying alot and including the new little one as well! My husband still does not know, tomorrow he will. I remembered though that the same thing happened to his older sister about 30 years ago, so I think he will be understanding, he may be surprised.

My daughter and my husband don’t see each other much because he works all day, and she works 2-12am. I know I didn’t say this in my original post, but my daughter has a really good full time job at the hospital, she went for special training so that she could do this job, she wants to take classes to become a nurse eventually.

I am going to see if she will go to church with me tomorrow, she is seeing a counsler, so hopefully everything will turn out ok. Its just getting her back to church that will be a little difficult, but through prayer and talking with her hopefully she will come around.

Again thank you all so much for your kind words, prayers, and hugs it has really meant so much to me, I will keep you all in my prayers.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Do you know yet if the father wants to be involved?