Pregnant and un-married

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I really disagree with those here who think it’s a good idea to rush this wedding so that the baby is born to married parents.

A wedding should never be rushed. And the baby is not going to know any different or care. Instead of getting in a hurry, I think it’s best to concentrate right now on the baby’s needs and take some time to seriously discern marriage and when it should happen. There’s just no reason to rush.
 
Congratulations! You have been granted a miracle. And for the rest of your life you will be able to smile and tell people that God is the author of life and it is not in our hands. He gives children to people who did not expect them. There is biblical precedent for that, you know.

The Blessed Virgin kind of found herself in the same boat. (Though without the sin part). Ask especially for her help, intercession and guidance during this time. At least your family and village elders aren’t going to take you out into the public square and stone you. What’s the worst that could happen? Your mom cries a little and your father sits there and thinks “There but for the grace of God go I…” (No, I’m not judging him. I’m just looking at the law of averages of men of that generation…)

Fact is, as another poster said, you’re probably not the only one among us who has sinned. (Insert chuckle here.) You’re just the one that God drew a circle around.

Think of the joy it will bring her family. And yours. They won’t disinherit you. They want to see their grandbaby. And think of the people who will take courage from your fiancee (that is what she is, right?) and believe they may beat the medical odds also.

This is an opportunity for you to show grace and humility. Not fear and irresponsibility. Forget what everyone else thinks. Everyone has their own sin issues. The product of yours will just be much cuter than most people’s.

As for the wedding… Holy Mother Church, in Her wisdom, doesn’t really do shotgun weddings. You may be able to get a dispensation. Some dioceses make this on a case by case basis.

I think the question you need to really pray over, and this is the determinative question: if, God forbid, she miscarry in the next few weeks, would you still go ahead with a wedding? Would you still hurry the date up? Your answer to that question down in the deepest part of your heart and soul should be your guide as to what to do next.

You have a lot on your plate for the next year. Getting married is a huge adjustment. Then God gives people nine months to get used to the idea of parenthood. (Some people never get used to that idea, unfortunately.) You are compressing both major events into the next 8 or so months? Proceed very carefully. Make sure you are on solid mental, spiritual and emotional footing every step of the way, no matter which path you choose.

And make sure you increase your Mass attendance and visits to the Blessed Sacrament. There you will find your answers.

This is between you, your fiancee, God and this new life. Everyone else is really immaterial right now. And those who say the most now may be the ones to have to eat the biggest words later.

God bless you and good luck! 👍

(and remember how many tragic people are out there who abort to keep a public image, but live with self-loathing and sadness the rest of their lives. There is really no such thing as a hidden sin. Now make your redemption and strengthened relationship with God just as public for others to follow your example.)
 
masondoggy said:
I really disagree with those here who think it’s a good idea to rush this wedding so that the baby is born to married parents.

A wedding should never be rushed. And the baby is not going to know any different or care. Instead of getting in a hurry, I think it’s best to concentrate right now on the baby’s needs and take some time to seriously discern marriage and when it should happen. There’s just no reason to rush.
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That’s really sad.
That no one, even the baby resulting, would even care about this sin or know any different from it.
**That’s a terrible shame and statement about society these days.😦 **
I would “rush” to get married for the same reason I “rush” to get them baptised asap.

**To abtain as much grace as possible to be the best parent/wife I can be. I wouldn’t want to wait to abtain as much divine aid as I could get!🙂 **
 
Once again God stumps the experts!!

You have a duty to raise your child to be a saint. Everything else is ancillary, i.e. size of wedding, etc., etc.

Getting married would be prudent, but only after much prayer and communication with your girlfriend.

Children should have parents in a sacramental marriage, this is not always the case, but a good start to sainthood!
 
I think it is great that you want to get married. Getting married in the Catholic Church is a sacrament and it is not to be taken lightly. I’m sure you know this. You need to go to the sacrament of Reconciliation and stop having premarital sex, if you haven’t already. Not only is it the right thing to do, but it will give you both clearer judgement with regards to your relationship and help you to properly prepare for marriage.
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
That’s really sad.
That no one, even the baby resulting, would even care about this sin or know any different from it.
**That’s a terrible shame and statement about society these days.😦 **
I would “rush” to get married for the same reason I “rush” to get them baptised asap.

**To abtain as much grace as possible to be the best parent/wife I can be. I wouldn’t want to wait to abtain as much divine aid as I could get!🙂 **
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Why is it sad? The baby isn’t going to be aware when it’s born that it’s parents haven’t married yet. The baby isn’t really going to notice when it’s 6 months old that there’s a wedding going on and why. The baby doesn’t care.

The only people who should be worrying about this sin involved is the parents, God, and the priest that they go to for Confession. Once they’ve confessed, let’s leave the sin equation out of this. Now we’re talking about a HUGE deal, marriage. They’ll receive the graces whether or not they marry today or two years from now. No difference.

And you can’t compare it to the rush to Baptize. Our salvation is dependant upon Baptism, NOT marriage. Not the same thing.
 
I just wanted to say congratulations on the coming of the baby. It truly is a gift from God. I think all of the other posters have covered everything already. Keep us posted.
 
I like the question another poster asked. If she miscarried, would you still go through with the wedding? But I think you should think about the baby instead of the two of you. I disagree with masondoggy, the baby will care if you were married before or after his/her birth. But for the moment, you cannot do anything about it. You need to speak to a priest and from there, you will have enough insight on what needs to be done next. You might even want to speak to the priest about not knowing how to tell your parents. I’m pretty sure they’ll understand. My parents kept on telling me to wait on having a baby because they didn’t think hubby and I would last. I didn’t know how to tell them I was expecting. I invited my parents, grandparents, and other family members for a bbq, and I let everyone know. This way, my parents didn’t get a chance to tell me they were disappointed. Everyone else was so happy, that it rubbed off on my parents. 😃 They haven’t said anything to me about it, all I hear is how excited my mom is w/her 1st grandbaby to arrive next yr.
 
masondoggy said:
Why is it sad? The baby isn’t going to be aware when it’s born that it’s parents haven’t married yet. The baby isn’t really going to notice when it’s 6 months old that there’s a wedding going on and why. The baby doesn’t care.

Oh geez. Whether the baby cares if they are born out of wedlock or not is irrelivant, but I think babies do care. All of my children have benefited greatly from having dad there for 2 am changes and to share those early morning smiles. At the very least, parents should set a decent example for their kids because they don’t stay babies for long and they most certainly do notice what their parents did later.

They’ll receive the graces whether or not they marry today or two years from now. No difference.

**Yes, there most certainly is a difference! If marriage doesn’t matter, and the sin doesn’t matter, well then for goodness sakes I guess we should all shack up and or have babies out of wedlock.:confused: 🤷 **
And you can’t compare it to the rush to Baptize. Our salvation is dependant upon Baptism, NOT marriage. Not the same thing.

Sure I can. They are both sacraments that offer graces to those receiving.
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**Like I said, unless there is an unusual circumstance for avoiding marriage, then I think that having a baby requires a setting aside of personal wants and prefences to make things right. Ideally you would have been married before the baby was conceived. In this case, sooner is better than later, imho.🤷 **
 
****Yes, there most certainly is a difference! If marriage doesn’t matter, and the sin doesn’t matter, well then for goodness sakes I guess we should all shack up and or have babies out of wedlock.:confused: 🤷 ****
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**

Umm…well at this point, if they’ve already been to Confession and received Absolution for their sin, then it’s now irrelevent. There is no sin to deal with anymore. Now there’s a baby and a marriage decision to make. All I am saying is there is no harm done to the baby by taking the proper amount of time to discern the marriage.

Yes, it’s ideal to have two married parents at the birth. But ideals went out the window when the child was conceived before that happened. Now it’s time to move on. **
 
masondoggy said:
**Umm…well at this point, if they’ve already been to Confession and received Absolution for their sin, then it’s now irrelevent. There is no sin to deal with anymore. **
whoa there. There is a difference between being absolved and no sin to deal with. obviously they have a sin to deal with - there’s a baby on the way. There’s also penence (private between priest and confessor, but hopefully exisiting!).
Yes, it’s ideal to have two married parents at the birth. But ideals went out the window when the child was conceived before that happened. Now it’s time to move on.
I disagree. The time to discern was before they had sex. Now it’s time to make things as right as possible. Once another life is made, what they wanted and the choices they woulda, coulda, oughta, have had are what’s irrelivant to me.
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**I have a strong feeling we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one masondoggy:shrug: **
 
Did I miss a post where the OP said they spoke to a priest and everything is AOK?

I agree with Rob’s Wife. Bringing a child into this world without the sacrament of marriage is wrong. Place the child for adoption if you are not ready to be married. If you are planning on getting married, do so ASAP.

My brother is a priest and priests do have some leeway over the amount of time that a couple has to prepare for marriage. I have been to quite a few “stotgun” weddings in my time.

Forget the big party, forget the friends and go and get yourself married.
 
distressed1 said:
I have to first say it’s very hard to come out and say these things, as my family and I have always been long devoted Catholics. Although, the only thing I can say now is I created a situation for myself that is against my faith and extremely unexpected. My girlfriend, who I love very much, was told at an early age that she would never have children (due to a medical condition). All these years, she’s faced that fact and it’s eaten her apart inside. Then out of nowhere, something both very special but also unexpected happens. I got her pregnant, and we’re both mid-20s. I’m still in a state of shock, and am not sure quite how to handle it.

Between the mixed emotions of being happy that these was even possible, having to tell my family what we got ourselves into, facing their reaction, and still not yet being married…I am at a total loss and need serious guidance. It weighs on me every second that I am awake, as I feel I’m in a dream.

We have talked a lot, and for many reasons (which would take a lot to list here), we plan on getting married. It has always been my intention, as well as my parents’, that I get married in a traditional Catholic Mass (which I can’t see doing anything other than). We want to get married before the baby comes (Summer 2008), but we both want the big ceremony in which all of our friends and family could be there (maybe 12-18 months from now). I have some ideas but don’t know if they’d be feasible. Before I present them, I’d really like to here everyone’s opinions, because I can’t even explain in words how much help I need right now. I’ve really put myself in a tough position, and I know all I can do is make the best of everything that is put on our plate everyday. You can’t change the past.

Thank you so much in advance.
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Hello distressed1 and you are very welcome to this forum.
First of all be joyful that your young lady is able to conceive especially as she has lived her life believing that she couldnt. Imagine the great miracle that this is.
Yes I understand that the child has been conceived outside of marriage but it is still a child whose life is agreed to by God. He or she is one of God’s great Amens. So please, let this child be welcome.
Perhaps you need to just re organise your plans and get married in a simple ceremony with family and friends but not in the future sometime. Perhps the conception of this child God is showing you a different way. Remember God is the author of Life. He agreed to this life.
 
Dear faithful,

I can’t tell you all how much I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut. And yes, I go to Mass every week (as well as visit other times throughout the week especially recently). It’s such a difficult time and I’m trying to be as strong as I can about it. It’s such a tough bind with there being a timing issue, doing what’s right for the child, and also what is best for us. We haven’t decided anything, but we talked about doing a small ceremony in the near future so the baby has a real mother and father at the time of its birth.

At the same time, we both long for that traditional engagement period (shopping for a ring now) and build-up to a real wedding where all of our friends and family can be there and we can all celebrate together. Given our situation (with other family and timing issues considered), I don’t think we’d be able to have an actual Catholic wedding at first. We talked about a small ceremony, and then at a later time have a re-newing of vows at a larger Catholic Ceremony. Ideally, I’d also like to go through some sort of pre-cana, because I know that helps marriages in the long run.

I feel like my parish priest would condemn me to hell, as he is very old-school and not easy to approach (from my viewpoint at least). I’m part of a large parish, so there aren’t a lot of get to know your priest type occasions either. This also makes it difficult.

These are just ideas and things we’ve talked about. Nothing final yet, but we do agree we have to get married. We haven’t been together an extremely long time, but also not a very short time. Foremost it’s about the baby, and second, it’s about us coming even closer together and finding a new bond that will keep us in a loving relationship.

What do you all think? Thanks again, everyone.
 
Well, you’ve kind of changed the definition of long engagements and build-up to big weddings. Do NOT attempt a wedding outside the Catholic Church. To go and tell a priest that makes them think you really don’t care deep down. (And you might be surprised that the old-school priest has seen it all, and may be relieved that you are a. having the baby instead of aborting it, and b. want to do the right thing)

If not, go to her parish and find a good priest there who will help you. I promise you, you aren’t the first couple any of these priests have encountered in this situation.

But you’re going to have to condense all the pre-Cana and wedding preparation if you want to be married in the Church at the time of the baby’s birth. And the clock on counselling doesn’t stop with the wedding. You can continue to have some of that after a wedding. Anything to build a firm foundation for a life together.

You kind of forfeited some of the old-fashioned wedding prep by putting the cart before the horse here. You’re going to just have to deal with that. It’s more important to have God truly present at your wedding than all your friends and family.

How about a small wedding, but then have the big family party at the baby’s baptism? That would be a double occasion for joy, and all who couldn’t get to the wedding could make it for that occasion.
 
You really should get married within the Catholic Church! There is no reason why you shouldn’t. Don’t be afraid to talk to your priest, he is there to help you.
Do your pre-cana and all that. If you get it started now you can get married before the baby comes. To me that is most important. There really is no “need” for a huge wedding. BUT you can plan a nice wedding and send out invitations to all your friends/family. Those who can make it will come. More than likely, no matter when you have it, there will be people who just can’t make it.

My story: My DH and I have been happily married for 5 years as of August 3. Our son will be 5 on New Year’s Eve. You do the math on that one. The priest didn’t shun us at all. He was a good priest.
 
If you and your gf are thinking of having a small wedding outside of the Church, the time you spend on that one could be time spent preparing for a Catholic ceremony imho!! My sil was pg with her first child. Her bf (now hubby!) is Catholic, but other than being baptized Catholic, she had no other sacrements. However, the priest who married them, also gave her First Communion and confirmed her. They had a small, but really really nice elegant wedding and small elegant reception. As a pp stated, you may have to forfit some of the "traditional"step in wedding preparations. The most important thing is for this little ones parents recieve the graces from “doing it right” and being married in a proper Catholic ceremony!! God Bless and take care of each other!!😉
 
Please do not get married in a civil ceremony in the US! If you’re going to marry anyway, then you need the grace that the Sacrament of marriage brings with it. It is disrespectful to your bride, and to your child, in my opinion.

It is fear that makes you think you can’t speak to your priest. He couldn’t condemn you to hell even if he wanted to do so. Think even if he’s old (esp. if he’s old), he hasn’t heard the one about the two good people on their way to being engaged who !ahem! are now expecting? You are not the first, as is evident here. You won’t be the last. If he is truly an old priest geezer without feelings, then go to her parish, which is canonically where you should be, anyway, for the wedding. There are other priests in the world.

Even without a baby on the way, people are just as married- if not more so!- without a huge dress, the expense of a sitdown reception and band, etc. No matter how much you long for traditional build-up to a “real” wedding, you have a kid coming. The dress, tuxes, champagne and chocolate fountains, those are NOT what make people married, and it does NOT make a wedding “real”. They are, at best, a nice memory to celebrate Marriage, which is the Real Deal. Nowadays, a good digital camera in the right hands will get you the same book of memories.

You need to look down the road a piece, not at your beautiful fiancee in the glow of first pregnancy, but much farther down the line. See that three year old climbing on the bunkbed rails? See the stitches in her lip because she fell? See the bicycles, prom dresses, cell phone bills, dentist bills, FOOD & CLOTHES! See Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, track meets, ballet lessons, tuba lessons, football- and did your boy just get slammed and end up in the hospital on that last tackle?Was that your daughter who wrapped the family car around a tree, yet lived to tell about it? Is one of those children unable to care for himself or herself, and will need care the rest of his or her life? What about the slacker adult child who thinks a part time job at 7-11 is just fine for a life career, as long as she or he can live in your basement for the rest of his or her life?

See the old lady at your side after the children have grown, married, and had children of their own? Is it, could it possibly be, your fiancee, a little chubbier or almost skeletal, the little old lady with the walker in the park, feeding the pigeons? Are you still her sweetheart, balding perhaps with a paunch while the rest of you has shrunk a bit, sitting on the bench, holding the bag of bread crumbs for her? Are you holding her close and dancing with her at your 50th anniversary, followed a by cruise, even though she is gray and a little worn and sometimes forgetful? Are you saying “so long for now” to her for the last time, in the church before the awful sound of the air lock on the casket? That’s where it should end when done right, you know, marriage: Somebody dies, one or the other. Are you willing to go through all that, even the pain of the funeral, to know that you have done your best to get that young woman who will someday be old (hopefully) and someday die to Heaven?

My advice still stands: Tell your parents. A pp suggested a BBQ or other neutral corner to tell the good news. Excellent idea! Your next step, in fact the step in between announcing the new arrival, is to find a priest and with your intended in tow, talk this out in light of the new life. If he’ll allow it, as you’re already engaged, step up the wedding, and keep things simple (that does not mean they have to be ugly, as other pp have already explained to you). There are many threads at CAF on weddings on a budget, as well as books in the library and web sites. If he says wait, then you wait and do what he says until you are ready to be married to her or not.

BTW, doctors told my mother she would never have children. She had 7.
 
distressed1 said:
Given our situation (with other family and timing issues considered), I don’t think we’d be able to have an actual Catholic wedding at first.
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Do not take these kinds of shortcuts - this is your entire future you are dealing with, here. A civil wedding does nothing for you - whether or not you are married in the eyes of the State means nothing (the State permits you to have a baby together without being married, anyway, so I don’t even know what the point would be) - what you really want is to be married in the eyes of God, which means a Church wedding - and no, a Church wedding doesn’t mean it has to be expensive.

The Catholic wedding ceremony itself takes only ten minutes, and you only need two witnesses, plus the priest - no fancy dresses or tuxedos are required; just your Sunday clothes, or even your street clothes, are just fine.

Your elderly curmudgeon priest has most likely done this type of wedding a hundred times or more, and he can walk you through the steps to get there. Yes, you will have to do a Pre-Cana, and you will need to do a pile of paperwork, as well, but doing it right the first time will be well worth it for all three of you.

Good luck!! 🙂
 
okie dokey we’ve got a whole other issue goign on here, imho.
FEAR.
So you’re scared, nervous, or whatever term you want to use, of telling parents/priest or of having to deal with their questions and expectations?
Okay, we get that and can understand the sentiment.
**However, parenthood is not for whimps!😉 **
This, getting married in the Church and asking family to accept this joyful addition, is the first thing you can do as a man and father to stand for your kid and the mother of your child and give the best you can. So do it soon, do it right, do it gladly, and you’ll have something to be proud of and your family/priest shouldn’t have too much to complain about. You sinned, just like we all do at times, and are now trying to make loving reparation as best you can. 👍 Frankly, given the sad state of society, that’s more than most parents and priests see these days.
 
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