Pregnant and un-married

[wifenmommy]

Awsome advice Robswife!!! We can all pray that he takes it!! To the OP~I promise you will NEVER regret doing it right and getting married in the Church!! DO THE RIGHT THING!!! You know in your heart of heart that this is the right way!!

 

[mizznicole]

Wow, everyone’s an expert…including me!

I want to say as a daughter of parents married 30 years, who had me on the way when they were married, I am very glad that they chose to make their commitment before God the way they did. My grandparents, married 50 years, were in the same situation. With commitment, sacrifice, and grace you can make it.

I was lucky not to be in this situation, but still wanted to keep the engagement short. I find this is the case with most couples around our age (late 20s/30s). I didn’t have a problem getting the wedding put together in less than 6 months, and we got married at a very busy Cathedral parish. The main things you need to worry about are getting the required classes done. Our diocese was severely overloaded and we had to beg to get admitted to one.

We were able to have a very nice wedding with not that much time in the planning.

In our case, we were already theology geeks and had thought deeply about marriage. Whatever your parish/diocese has might be helpful, but I encourage you to read on your own and find good people to discuss things with.

God bless you. Do not be afraid.

 

[Apryl]

It has always been my intention, as well as my parents’, that I get married in a traditional Catholic Mass (which I can’t see doing anything other than). We want to get married before the baby comes (Summer 2008), but we both want the big ceremony in which all of our friends and family could be there (maybe 12-18 months from now).

I’m a woman, but a traditional Catholic

That being said, could SOME ONE PLEASE explain to me the need for a ‘big wedding’?

Aren’t you just as married if it’s a priest and two witnesses with you?

Isn’t it the sacrament this is supposed to be about?

I really don’t get the whole ‘big wedding’ thing, and needing to have others there.

My suggestion (and I’m a bit of a cynic when it comes to the big hoopla over the wedding that really is just for the Bride and Groom imo, anyway) is that you have a small - tiny even - wedding, and then have a big reception. You don’t even have to dress up for the reception.

You can even do the reception AFTER the baby arrives.

Just my thoughts… and I did admit that I’m a bit of a crumudgen on this one.

 

[mesquite_magic]

Nineteen years ago, before I became a practicing Catholic, I got pregnant. I met this man on Halloween (I kid you not). In March we moved in together. In April I found out I was pg, and we married in June. Our son was born Dec.1, 1988.

The hardest part was telling my parents and basically having my mom call me a whore. Yeah, they weren’t too happy. They calmed doen really fast, it was just the inital shock of their baby girl announcing an unwed pregnancy that threw them. My cousin was pregnant and planning a shotgun wedding so invited me to join. Basically it came down to, “hey, honey, Christa’s pg too. She and Mike are getting married in two weeks. Ya wanna have a double wedding?” And him saying, “sure, sounds good to me”. Christa and I threw together a decent wedding and nice reception with a Justice Of the Peace. The man I married had already married in the Catholic Church and hadn’t had it annulled, so a Catholic wedding was out for us.

Let’s see… about a week after my son was born, I got an inkling that my new husband had a drinking problem. In the space of a one hour phone call wiith my sister I watched my husband go from stone cold sober to rip roaring drunk. Something I hadn’t noticed about him before. Four months later, I found out he had a temper to go with that. In a year I found that I was no longer the strong-willed, independant young woman I had been. It took me 10 years, a lot of bruises, and three trumatized children, to get out of that marriage.

I’m telling you this, so that you will think before you leap. There is a reason for Pre-Cana classes. They are a chance for you two to get to know one-another better.

There are many people here, saying a child deserves two parents. Yes, he/she does, but, you need to be sure those parents are together for the right reason. You need to be sure that you are willing to spend the rest of your life with this woman.No child should have to live with angy, fighting parents. That’s REALLY unfair.

If you two have figured all this out, it’s time to talk to a priest. If you’re ready for a marriage, and being Catholic is important to you, then you need to make this a real, sacred marriage. Not just a piece of paper that you signed.

If the big wedding is still important to you, you can still do that. Things might cost a little more, or you may have to cut back a little.If it can be done. Get married around Christmas.The Church is already decorated, so you don’t have to put money out for that. Get the book, “How to have a Wedding Under $2000”. It has lots of great ideas.Your gf can still have the pretty gown. Lots of designers are making maternity gowns now. Or just get a gown with an empire waist, yada, yada…

I just want you to think this through. Make sure it’s the marriage that you are preparing for and not just the wedding A wedding is just a day. A marriage is for life.

Kim

 

[maria29]

Let’s see… about a week after my son was born, I got an inkling that my new husband had a drinking problem. In the space of a one hour phone call wiith my sister I watched my husband go from stone cold sober to rip roaring drunk. Something I hadn’t noticed about him before. Four months later, I found out he had a temper to go with that. In a year I found that I was no longer the strong-willed, independant young woman I had been. It took me 10 years, a lot of bruises, and three trumatized children, to get out of that marriage.

I’m telling you this, so that you will think before you leap. There is a reason for Pre-Cana classes. They are a chance for you two to get to know one-another better.

There are many people here, saying a child deserves two parents. Yes, he/she does, but, you need to be sure those parents are together for the right reason. You need to be sure that you are willing to spend the rest of your life with this woman.No child should have to live with angy, fighting parents. That’s REALLY unfair.

If you two have figured all this out, it’s time to talk to a priest. If you’re ready for a marriage, and being Catholic is important to you, then you need to make this a real, sacred marriage. Not just a piece of paper that you signed.

If the big wedding is still important to you, you can still do that. Things might cost a little more, or you may have to cut back a little.If it can be done. Get married around Christmas.The Church is already decorated, so you don’t have to put money out for that. Get the book, “How to have a Wedding Under $2000”. It has lots of great ideas.Your gf can still have the pretty gown. Lots of designers are making maternity gowns now. Or just get a gown with an empire waist, yada, yada…

I just want you to think this through. Make sure it’s the marriage that you are preparing for and not just the wedding A wedding is just a day. A marriage is for life.

Kim

THis is great advice and I’ve had family memebers who do the shotgun weddings and have also lived to regret it…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And this is precisely why the Church doesn’t do shotgun weddings. Too often people get married for the sake of the baby and it’s a disaster. The same lack of discipline or seriousness or responsibility or respect for God’s law that got them into that situation to begin with follows them into the marriage. And if not dealt with, it is like rust eating away at the marriage.

I’m not saying the OP is one of these people. But the priest does not know this when he and his girlfriend walk into his office.

I’ve seen situations where people married because of a baby and the baby ended up being resented because one or the other parent felt the baby trapped them.

Whatever choice is made, it needs to be made prudently and in a state of grace and in constant prayer.

 

[flightist]

I have to first say it’s very hard to come out and say these things, as my family and I have always been long devoted Catholics. Although, the only thing I can say now is I created a situation for myself that is against my faith and extremely unexpected. My girlfriend, who I love very much, was told at an early age that she would never have children (due to a medical condition). All these years, she’s faced that fact and it’s eaten her apart inside. Then out of nowhere, something both very special but also unexpected happens. I got her pregnant, and we’re both mid-20s. I’m still in a state of shock, and am not sure quite how to handle it.

Between the mixed emotions of being happy that these was even possible, having to tell my family what we got ourselves into, facing their reaction, and still not yet being married…I am at a total loss and need serious guidance. It weighs on me every second that I am awake, as I feel I’m in a dream.

We have talked a lot, and for many reasons (which would take a lot to list here), we plan on getting married. It has always been my intention, as well as my parents’, that I get married in a traditional Catholic Mass (which I can’t see doing anything other than). We want to get married before the baby comes (Summer 2008), but we both want the big ceremony in which all of our friends and family could be there (maybe 12-18 months from now). I have some ideas but don’t know if they’d be feasible. Before I present them, I’d really like to here everyone’s opinions, because I can’t even explain in words how much help I need right now. I’ve really put myself in a tough position, and I know all I can do is make the best of everything that is put on our plate everyday. You can’t change the past.

Thank you so much in advance.

I feel that this baby is a blessing and if you love eachother and have made love with a view to being always together then it is a holy union, my humble personal opinion is that the most important thing is to make the commitment, the sooner the better why wait for the big wedding, why not have a beautiful christening instead with all of your family present, it is sad to feel shame, if your intent is pure, look at this as a time of joy- youth is so fleeting one learns, love, have, faith, and give it your all…go with grace.

 

[Norseman82]

I’m an adult male, and I will offer this:

First of all, I disagree with this practice of not marrying couples just because she is knocked up. How in the world can a Church cry about the plight of children who don’t grow up with both of their parents and then get in the way when the parents do right (assuming they are both eligible to be married)? OK, maybe I can see how when they are in high school they are immature, or if there is clear evidence of abuse or unfitness, but we do know that in this case they are in their 20s, and if there is evidence of abusiveness it should be brought forward or people should “zip da lip”. Whoever thought of this blanket policy needs to get their head examined.

Besides, the men who knock women up need to be “taken off the streets”, so to speak, so that they don’t continue knocking up other women.

Maybe my view is biased because I grew up in an atmosphere where the rule still applied where “you broke it, you bought it”, and maybe it’s because I know how hard it is losing a father while growing up. It’s hard enough when this happens by chance; it should never happen by choice.

OP, two things:

1. If you marry in a civil ceremony, you are not married in the eyes of the church, so logically it follows that sex with your wife will still be a mortal sin.
2. You talk about your parish priest. Unless I missed where you said she was not Catholic, what about her parish priests (unless she is in the same parish)? Normally, weddings occur at the bride’s parish.

 

[dranzal]

Hi.

You’ve gotten some great advice and I don’t really need to add to it.

On another note, the Parenting forum has some great threads from moms asking other moms advice with newborns. You will encounter a variety of parenting methods and some very experienced moms there. I recommend visiting it with your fiance to get a “crash course” on parenting.

Here are some additional excellent resources…

www.askdrsears.com

www.kellymom.com

Most of all, congratulations on your new vocation of Father and Husband.

God bless you.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I feel that this baby is a blessing

ALL babies are blessings!

---

and if you love eachother and have made love with a view to being always together then it is a holy union

no, it certainly isn’t

---

, my humble personal opinion is that the most important thing is to make the commitment,

no wedding ring = no commitment

---

it is sad to feel shame,

nothing sadder than the shameless

---

if your intent is pure

one cannot be pure while committing sin

repent, confess, and try to do better.
nothing more can be asked and there’s no better example for a child or spouse

 

[maria29]

I’m an adult male, and I will offer this:

First of all, I disagree with this practice of not marrying couples just because she is knocked up. How in the world can a Church cry about the plight of children who don’t grow up with both of their parents and then get in the way when the parents do right (assuming they are both eligible to be married)? OK, maybe I can see how when they are in high school they are immature, or if there is clear evidence of abuse or unfitness, but we do know that in this case they are in their 20s, and if there is evidence of abusiveness it should be brought forward or people should “zip da lip”. Whoever thought of this blanket policy needs to get their head examined.

Besides, the men who knock women up need to be “taken off the streets”, so to speak, so that they don’t continue knocking up other women.

Maybe my view is biased because I grew up in an atmosphere where the rule still applied where “you broke it, you bought it”, and maybe it’s because I know how hard it is losing a father while growing up. It’s hard enough when this happens by chance; it should never happen by choice.

OP, two things:

1. If you marry in a civil ceremony, you are not married in the eyes of the church, so logically it follows that sex with your wife will still be a mortal sin.
2. You talk about your parish priest. Unless I missed where you said she was not Catholic, what about her parish priests (unless she is in the same parish)? Normally, weddings occur at the bride’s parish.

Because the church doesn’t believe in forced marriages. I don’t know if this is true in the OP case or not. But this is why “shotgun” weddings are not done because like I said the Church is against forcing a couple to marry in these types of cases.

 

[Norseman82]

Because the church doesn’t believe in forced marriages. I don’t know if this is true in the OP case or not. But this is why “shotgun” weddings are not done because like I said the Church is against forcing a couple to marry in these types of cases.

First of all, I’m under the impression that many churches will not marry ANYONE who is pregnant, even when the couple freely decides to do the right thing.

Second of all, as far as I’m concerned, if people don’t want to be “forced” into marriage in this type of circumstance, they should keep their zippers in the upright position in the first place. People need to take responsibility for the situations they create.

 

[jmcrae]

First of all, I’m under the impression that many churches will not marry ANYONE who is pregnant, even when the couple freely decides to do the right thing.

This is a false impression - our little parish church has seen many pregnant brides.

Second of all, as far as I’m concerned, if people don’t want to be “forced” into marriage in this type of circumstance, they should keep their zippers in the upright position in the first place. People need to take responsibility for the situations they create.

Barn door open, horse gone.

 

[Norseman82]

This is a false impression - our little parish church has seen many pregnant brides.

WhI’m going by what I’ve recalled hearing priests and others who work in marriage ministry say. I’ve heard them say it personally.

 

[Seatuck]

WhI’m going by what I’ve recalled hearing priests and others who work in marriage ministry say. I’ve heard them say it personally.

It’s a growing trend based on the amount of annulments we have seen in the church that have an unplanned pregnancy at the root. It isn’t a absolute practice though.

 

[Apryl]

First of all, I disagree with this practice of not marrying couples just because she is knocked up. .

Wow… the beauty if a new life being termed ‘knocked - up’

 

[forgetmenot]

I have to first say it’s very hard to come out and say these things, as my family and I have always been long devoted Catholics. Although, the only thing I can say now is I created a situation for myself that is against my faith and extremely unexpected. My girlfriend, who I love very much, was told at an early age that she would never have children (due to a medical condition). All these years, she’s faced that fact and it’s eaten her apart inside. Then out of nowhere, something both very special but also unexpected happens. I got her pregnant, and we’re both mid-20s. I’m still in a state of shock, and am not sure quite how to handle it.

Between the mixed emotions of being happy that these was even possible, having to tell my family what we got ourselves into, facing their reaction, and still not yet being married…I am at a total loss and need serious guidance. It weighs on me every second that I am awake, as I feel I’m in a dream.

We have talked a lot, and for many reasons (which would take a lot to list here), we plan on getting married. It has always been my intention, as well as my parents’, that I get married in a traditional Catholic Mass (which I can’t see doing anything other than). We want to get married before the baby comes (Summer 2008), but we both want the big ceremony in which all of our friends and family could be there (maybe 12-18 months from now). I have some ideas but don’t know if they’d be feasible. Before I present them, I’d really like to here everyone’s opinions, because I can’t even explain in words how much help I need right now. I’ve really put myself in a tough position, and I know all I can do is make the best of everything that is put on our plate everyday. You can’t change the past.

Thank you so much in advance.

 

[forgetmenot]

By now, I’m sure you’ve made some decision. I still hurt because I was pregnant before we got married, and the wedding was shot gun awful in a living room with a j.p. We have been married nearly 30 years, though. We always loved each other. (God willing, I hope to have the big party this year…) You can only do what is best in your heart, and, hopefully, you love this girl. Don’t do what others suggest if it goes against your feelings. Make sure your spouse to be is happy with whatever plans you both make. God Bless and best wishes.

 

[bekalc]

I wanted to make a comment on all this shot gun marriage stuff… I think that if you get pregnant outside of marriage. I do think that if you can make it work with the baby’s father, than that’s absolutely the best case scenario.

But I also think that marriage is a serious thing. It’s a lifetime committment! It’s a lifetime committment that will last far longer than your child will need you to be their caretaker.

So you better have other reasons for marrying the person than just that baby… You better be sure that you and that person can get along well and work together well. And you better be sure of that person’s character!

Honestly, the main thing is that the child is provided for, the child is loved etc… The parents can work together for the benefit of the child. Even if you don’t get married you can still have those things. Better that the child’s parents live a part, and the parents are amicable. And the child gets stepparents. Than for the child to have to live through a rotten marriage.

The last thing a child needs is to be put through a divorce etc. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not okaying single parenthood. I don’t believe in premarital sex! I’m just saying that marriage needs to be taken very seriously and too wrongs do not make a right.

 

[Apryl]

The last thing a child needs is to be put through a divorce etc. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not okaying single parenthood. I don’t believe in premarital sex! I’m just saying that marriage needs to be taken very seriously and too wrongs do not make a right.

I don’t agree.

I think that the last thing a child needs is to grow up in a Single-Parent household. Going through a divorce can be hard, too, but a lifetime of single-parenthood, statistically, is usually much worse.

I think that we often look at the tragedy and drama involved in divorces, but forget the drama involved when it comes to Mom’s boyfriend, or Dad’s new wife, and then the other set of kids, and I don’t like him because we have different fathers and on and on.

Divorce is tragic, and should be avoided, but for many people, it’s an option that they need to use.

Still, if you never get married, you never have that stake. At least if a couple takes the time to get married, it’s not so easy to get out of, and they have more reasons to work on what it takes to get them where they need to go.



Just my take on things.