Pregnant Girlfriend - What to do?

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athanasius802

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Hi everyone.

First, I’m going to try to summarize as briefly as I can this complicated situation. Sorry if it’s really long-winded.
I’m 25 years old. I found out 2 weeks ago that my girlfriend of one year is pregnant. Obviously, it’s not something we had planned and I am scared out of my mind. I have convinced her not to have an abortion, because I know that the child has a right to live, despite the circumstances of its conception. I fully realize that I have sinned. I have gone to confession and want to make it right and atone for my error. I am fully prepared to deal with the consequences of my actions. I am 100% committed to the child and its well-being and I plan to dedicate my life to making good on my duty as a father. This is not the issue.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is regarding my relationship with her. On the one hand, I firmly believe the best thing for a child is having both parents who love each other and who are living together. I also know that being “in love” is not necessary for a marriage to work. Marriage is ordered to the well-being and salvation of the spouses and the children. On the other hand, I can not say with complete certainty that I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. The majority of the time, when things are going well, I could see myself being married to her and being happy. She is caring, attentive, very religious and she understands me like no one else. Other times, when things have gone bad and we have disagreements, I have sworn to myself that I could never marry her. She has a terrible temper and I never know what to expect when she is angry. Everything goes out the window immediately and she is ready to break up (we have “broken up” numerous times) at the drop of a hat. She is quite immature and in our various disputes has berated me and called me every name in the book and even been physically violent (hitting me) once. She has apologized for those things and has been trying to overcome this defect, and I am patient and forgiving always. I certainly don’t expect her to be perfect, and have more than my fair share of faults myself. 9 months ago, we moved in together. At the time, I was afraid that I would lose her if I didn’t give in, so I went along with it against my best judgment. I also told her many times that I was against cohabitation and even explained to her why it was wrong. Also, having sex in the first place was something I did because of feeling pressured to do it and being afraid of losing her. Nevertheless, I didn’t do anything to get myself out of that temptation, so I can’t fully blame her. I certainly wasn’t forced physically. So essentially, I am in this situation now because I gave in to her pressure out of fear, thereby also going against my own beliefs and morals.

Despite all of this, I love her and think that she is changing and I know she loves me and cares about me. I still have a strong desire to be with her.

She told me before we told her mother about her pregnancy that I had to ask her to marry me. That a child needs to have both parents together, so it’s my duty as a father to marry her. I am not by any means ready to get married right now. I think it could happen in the future, but I think it’s best to wait until I feel I’m truly ready. I just don’t feel ready now and I certainly won’t let myself be pressured into it.

I have spoken to a priest friend who has known me for a while. He thinks that I am simply with her because of a fear of loneliness and am not really invested in the relationship. He told me that the fact that she is pregnant shouldn’t obligate me to marry her. He also said that the fact that I’m not willing to do whatever it takes to be with her indicates that I don’t really see a future with her.

To complicate things more, I have been living in Europe for the last year and a half. I met my girlfriend here. My girlfriend is from a South American country, and has been living here with her family since they emigrated about 10 years ago. For various reasons she and her family have decided to move back to their home country and she will be leaving in a week. My scholarship program is also finished, so I have to leave, and am going back home to the US (which is why my priest friend said what he did). I have been missing my family terribly, feeling homesick and for now I just want to be back in the good old USA. Our plan before we found out about the pregnancy was to work to save money so she could come visit me and meet my family and we would go from there. It’s a little complicated since we are both broke students and don’t have option right now to pick up and start a new life in another country.

Anyway, what this means now is that she is going to be there during her pregnancy while I am going to be home in the US. Thousands of miles away. I really don’t see another option because I just don’t have money to be traveling back and forth. My goal now is to at the very least be there when she gives birth. I am willing to work as hard as I can to make that happen.

I have yet to tell my parents about her pregnancy. I want to wait until I get home in 2 weeks and can talk to them face to face. I know that despite their initial shock and disappointment, my parents will be supportive of me because I want to do what’s right.

So, with all that said, my questions are: Should I stay with her? Am I obligated to stay with her for the good of my child? Is it possible for a relationship that fell into sin to become a healthy, Christ-centered relationship if both parties are willing and committed to live according to God’s law? What is the right thing to do?
 
I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It seems like neither of you is prepared for marriage OR parenting.

Have you considered placing the baby for adoption? What a blessing it could be for two married, mature, prepared parents who long for a baby and are ready RIGHT NOW to welcome a child into their home and hearts.

I will pray for you.
 
I can see that you have a great deal to sort out right now. The main thing is that you place your baby at the centre of your decision-making - what would be best for him or her, both short-term and long-term, to ensure that he/she grows up in a happy, loving and peaceful home? Good luck to you all.
 
Hi,

I was in your position 17 years ago. Please PM me if you want to talk. There are too many details which I cannot express here.

In the case where you don’t want to PM me then here is a little advice, listen to your priest. He knows you better. Also pray very hard and even fast if you can so that the HOLY SPIRIT can give you the right answer. Rely on God’s wisdom and wait for Him to lead you. Let go of any thoughts of the future that may cause you more anxiety. Be still and listen to the Lord.

God Bless
 
athanasius802 said:
Should I stay with her?
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That is not something we can really answer for you.
athanasius802 said:
Am I obligated to stay with her for the good of my child?
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No, you are not obligated to stay with her. You are obligated to be a father and provide support for your child (as you have stated you are willing to do), if the child is not given up for adoption.
athanasius802 said:
Is it possible for a relationship that fell into sin to become a healthy, Christ-centered relationship if both parties are willing and committed to live according to God’s law?
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Yes, it is possible. But I think you’re asking more specifically if this relationship could work out that way. That, again, is not something we can really answer for you. Do you feel you both are willing and committed to live according to God’s law? Can you both be committed to a chaste relationship from this point forth, go through marriage prep classes, make sacrifices for each other, and truly be committed to each other for the rest of your lives? Because IMHO, from your post… it doesn’t sound like it. 😦 Can you stand strong and be the spiritual leader of your household, even if she threatens to leave when she doesn’t get her way?
athanasius802 said:
What is the right thing to do?
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Pray for discernment, go to confession for your sinful part in this (if you haven’t already), and continue to improve your relationship with God. Do the best you can, and don’t allow yourself out of fear to be manipulated from doing what you determine is right.

I will pray for you. :gopray2:
 
Your priest friend is correct, you are not “obligated” to marry her. From what you’ve said, I don’t think it would be a good idea – she does not sound mature enough for marriage and motherhood. Please at least consider adoption.
 
I have a friend from college who started dating this guy the summer before her senior year. He was two years younger. Though both were serious Catholics, they fell a few times (or maybe many times) and slept together. She planned to break up with him at the end of the summer, when she discovered she was pregnant. They ended up getting married instead. They were dirt poor, like beans and rice dirt poor. Fifteen years later, they are very happy, have a bunch of kids, and seem made for each other. They were both really immature when they were married. But they have grown up together. I know there are stories of marriages that start the same way and end in disaster.

Both of you guys sound immature. You say you have faults, but you don’t sound like you truly deep down hold yourself 50% accountable for the path you both chose to go down: sex, living together, pregnancy, etc, because, if you did, you would see that it is irrelevant to report that she “pressured” you into these things.

I will probably be in the minority here, but I think you should move this girl to the US and date seriously with an intent to discern whether reasons exist NOT to marry. Maybe this will entail moving her into your parents home, with you living elsewhere (good way to ensure chastity as a bonus).

You had planned to continue the relationship before this pregnancy. You love her; she loves you. And once upon a time, it was considered the decent thing to do for a guy to marry a girl he got pregnant. I don’t fault this girl for saying that to you. In a certain sense, you already made your choice of mate; whether you marry or not, you are tied permanently to this girl now. With you both in separate countries, you will have no ties or rights to this child. We all know the lives of children of broken homes, and it is sad to see the suffering that causes them. From what you write of your relationship, I am hopeful that you have a future like my friends, who struggled the first years but are now very happy together.
 
Sounds like neither of you is ready to have a child right now or be married.

Someone, may have even been John Paul II, said that he didn’t even think pregnancy, in and of itself, was sufficient reason for marriage. One is to marry for one reason, because he is in love and is sure that he wants to commit to spending the rest of his life with that person.

If you marry for the wrong reason, I think there’d be a higher risk of divorce later on and a broken home.

Why not consider adoption? Why not consider giving the child to someone who is already set up and ready, wanting to have a child are prepared and willing to provide for it? When my brother (who is a doctor) wanted to adopt, there was a 5-year waiting list. He adopted two with health problems, in part, because he didn’t really want to wait five years.

There are people out there who are desperate to have a child in their lives but can’t have one.

Please ask your girlfriend to consider adoption.

Can you speak to a priest/counselor in the interim with your girlfriend?
 
You need to get professional advice for this situation. You should speak to your priest, to a counselor, and probably to an attorney before you make any decisions. I don’t think it is a good idea for you to get married right now.
 
Based on what and how you have said it, I think you are a good man searching for the next right steps.

It seems to me that there are 6 people and one or more priests that are best involved in guiding you. The 6 are you, your girlfriend, your parents, and her parents. You have one priest who seems to know you and that is great, but perhaps he can refer you to another priest or Catholic counselor that is more qualified to help you think and act on the right path.

It seems to this grandfather with a granddaughter in college, that the primary concern is doing what is best for the innocent baby. The obvious options are:
  1. Marry and make it work. This can be done. We are in charge of our feelings in that we can control them. Because no one is perfect, there are always things about the other that can get under our skin. We learn to deal with it in a positive way because we do love the other. Expecting PERFECTION before marriage is not realistic. But, COMMITMENT is necessary. BOTH must convey the sense that each is truly committed to a life long marriage. I agree with your priest’s advice on this point. But it is not the only point to consider.
  2. Her parents can raise the child with your 20 plus year financial help.
  3. Your parents can raise the child. with your 20 plus year financial help
  4. Other relatives could raise the child with your 20 plus year financial help.
  5. The child could be placed for adoption.
Every alternative has its own plusses and minuses. It will help to write them down for all to reflect on. Still, no Option has any guarantee it will work as hoped. But seeing major elements should help reduce the risk of error.

IMO, two things are needed:
  1. Constant, sincere prayer for God’s Good Grace and Guidance to grant both of you the Wisdom and strength to do His Will. I think God’s Will is doing what is best for the baby.
  2. As much discussion with both sets of parents as possible. Ideally all 6 of you would be face to face during the next few weeks. Perhaps Skype can work. Or conference calls. Between the 6 and your priest, you should be able to discover the best path.
Keep God. And Carry On.
 
A Catholic guy I know got himself in the same situation as you and like you he was going to marry the girl and make it work for the child. Or at least that’s what he intended, he proposed to her, she said yes, they continued living together.
But one day he came and she was gone. She took his car, money, and a lot of other stuff. He tried to figure out where she had gone. After talking to her friends and colleges he found out she had been looking into abortion facilities.
He still can’t find her and is a deeply broken man now knowing what more than likely has happened to his little child.

Please really make sure for the sake of ya’ll’s baby, when you go back to the USA your girlfriend will not be swayed by anyone, including herself, to abort ya’ll’s child.
You said you had to talk her out of it. This makes me scared.
You know the baby has a right to live, but does she really know this? Especially since you won’t be around? It’s a scary reality but you must step up make sure this little one is protected.

I will be praying very hard for the safety of the baby, her, and you.
 
There is a lot of good advice here. You have a lot going against you, in fact I think you have practically everything going against you. I’ve seen marriages that I didn’t would make it and did and others I was sure would that didn’t. I think that the biggest thing going against you is your level commitment. Going into a marriage without a firm commitment to each other is a sure marriage killer. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 45 years now. When we married in 1969 we were 100% committed to each other and marriage. Divorce wasn’t an option or even thinkable to us. We’ve had the worst of times and the best of times. Our pastor quite often tell us in Mass that “our happiness is our spouses happiness”. There’s no room in marriage for selfishness… If I had to give you advise, I would tell you not to rush into anything. Take time to sort everything out and make sure you make the correct decision especially after spending plenty of time on your knees listening to the Lord. Attend Mass every week and get yourself right with the Lord in the Sacrament of reconciliation. God bless you and I will pray for you
 
Avocadomom said:
I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It seems like neither of you is prepared for marriage OR parenting.

Have you considered placing the baby for adoption? What a blessing it could be for two married, mature, prepared parents who long for a baby and are ready RIGHT NOW to welcome a child into their home and hearts.

I will pray for you.
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I agree with this. Adoption would be something wonderful to consider. Prayers for discernment.
Mary.
 
athanasius802 said:
. The majority of the time, when things are going well, I could see myself being married to her and being happy. She is caring, attentive, **very religious **and she understands me like no one else.
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It sounds like you don’t really know this woman. A very religious woman does not pressure a man into sex (and that is if I believe she did. I suspect, she didn’t have to do too much pressuring)

For now, the first step is to quit living together. It is a sin. As for whether or not you marry her, that is up to you
 
Welcome to fatherhood! Your first Father’s Day is coming up!

Isn’t it interesting even in our error, good can be?

Sounds like you understand the context well. Know you are quite similar to the rest of us in being a sinner.

And now you have a great gift, in a child, even through a wrong act, God gave you something that will be forever. God is where the Glory is deserved.

Don’t get me wrong, sin is sin, but you can’t turn back time, neither can I, so you worked your present and are thinking right with understanding the obligation.

Now it’s time to step up and be a great example to your lady and child.

By the way, not many people are " ready" for their first kid, married or not.
 
athanasius802 said:
So, with all that said, my questions are: Should I stay with her? Am I obligated to stay with her for the good of my child? Is it possible for a relationship that fell into sin to become a healthy, Christ-centered relationship if both parties are willing and committed to live according to God’s law? What is the right thing to do?
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She sounds abusive. I definitely don’t think you should marry her as is. Maybe if she gets help, and stops being abusive, but that won’t be an overnight thing.

It would be great if your child could have married parents, but adoption might be better option under these circumstances. It doesn’t sound like you two should get married. She convinced you to have sex outside of marriage. She convinced you to live together outside of marriage when you didn’t want to. It sounds like she is very good at convincing you to sin. This doesn’t sound like someone who will help you to Heaven. It is possible for a relationship that fell into sin to become a Christ-centered relationship. Has she repented? Is she willing to get professional help for her abusiveness? Does she want to live according to God’s law? You definitely shouldn’t marry her if any of the answers to those questions are no.
 
Everyone seems to have forgotten someone here - the mother. Maybe she doesn’t want a set of the grandparents raising her child. It seems easy to recommend adoption when it’s not your own flesh and blood we are talking about.

I am also not impressed with your version of events OP and how she supposedly “pressured” you into moving in with her and sleeping with her. I think that is the spin you are giving the situation now that your lustful love affair has reached it’s logical conclusion and a baby is on the way. I hope that’s not the story you will give your parents, embarrassing yourself by not taking full responsibility for your own actions and sin.

We can’t give you the answers to your questions but this is your opportunity to make a leap into the adult world of maturity and not continue with the immature blaming. Your girlfriend’s situation is a much more serious one than yours. She can’t run away from the consequences like you can.
 
It would be a mistake to marry her just for the sake of the child. You can keep in contact with her and support the child. Maybe in a few years you can reassess the situation.
 
  1. Marry this lady and be thankful she is having your child.
  2. Give her the respect she deserves. Stop co-habituating.
  3. Marriage will help eliminate any risk of abortion
  4. YOU be Christ’s rock in her life. She may be this/that/the other/unstable and abused, victim, using you for drama/whatever. Just, do what is right. It’s not right to leave her when she’s carrying YOUR CHILD. It’s not right.
  5. If she leaves you, fine, but you don’t leave her. Show her you are a man. Stand up and be Christian. Would Jesus leave a pregnant woman like that?
  6. Be THANKFUL you have a son or daughter. Believe me, there will be a time when it will be hard to have such joy and blessing.
  7. Praise JESUS for your new life. Baptize the child when it is born. Love his mother.
    Love is not because WE want it. Love is because God Wills. He sent his only Son to die for us and you can’t stick with a woman through pregnancy???
Man up.
 
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