Pregnant, new job abroad, moving alone, emotional /long/

[Ms_Manners]

Almost two years ago, I lost my job.
I was unemployed and without much perspective where we live.
I was newly married and here most people will not hire a woman who is likely to have a baby any time soon, so newly married women are a no-no. (Not US, different culture.)
Over a year ago, I applied for a job abroad. The process is long, just the testing takes months, that’s normal in this case. I didn’t expect much and didn’t really hold my breath.
I passed the first rounds of testing and started interviewing. I had a few interviews (different positions) earlier this year, but didn’t get any of the jobs. At some point, the invitations stopped coming and I sort of stopped thinking about it.

Then I got pregnant.
We’d been using NFP, relying mostly on ovulation monitoring, but with all the stress and travelling (for the testing and interviews), slipped for a short time. We realized what time it was the very next day and counted the days until we could take a test.
We wouldn’t say it’s the best time, living on one paycheck, soaring unemployment, discrimination of women in general and pregnant women especially in our country (my unemployment office worker actually refused to recommend me for an interview because of my pregnancy)… But we are so happy, we can’t wait. I’ve been walking around with the silliest smile ever, feeling absolutely blessed.

A few weeks ago I was invited for another interview. I went, but didn’t hold my breath.
Last week they sent me an email telling me they want to move on with me.
So now I’m waiting to see if my paperwork checks out. If it does, the job is mine.
(There was a technicality earlier, discovered when I was already on the short list, I don’t know if this employer will think it’s important enough to disqualify me at this point.)

Now we get to the point…
If everything works out, I’ll be moving to a different country, almost a thousand miles away, in late-second or even third trimester.
My husband’s job here isn’t paid well enough to support all of us, but it is as safe as it can be, so he can’t quit and come with me, not until I get a permanent contract. (After a year.)

I might end up giving birth alone there and take care of the baby on my own.
I am not yet sure if I’d be able to come home with the baby or just spend my maternity leave there. He’d take all the time off he can, but still, he’d miss a lot of his baby’s first year, possibly even more.

I have his support, although neither of us is really happy about this arrangement.
I just don’t see much of an alternative.
Here I would definitely not work for another year and a half, no one will hire me for a year after the baby is born. (The usual maternity period here for most women, even unemployed women get some very small benefits for that period.)
Our parents can help us, but can’t support us financially for that long. And it really wouldn’t feel fair, since I do have an offer.

I am the practical type, but I guess the whole situation is just too much sometimes and the pregnancy hormones are kicking in.
I feel like crying at random times. On my morning jog today (because after 10 years together, I might even have to leave my dog behind for a while, until I know I can take care of the baby, myself and him), while folding my husband’s laundry (because I wouldn’t do that anymore), while playing with cats (because they would definitely stay with my husband for a longer time)…

The funniest thing is… For a long time (basically in every similar situation), I’ve been praying for guidance. Not for a specific result, just to be able to see which way I’m supposed to go. And I do feel like I received it. My last job was bad. We did want a child. He was planning to talk to his boss about a position for me, after the baby. This new situation is very challenging, but the job is good and I did want it before I got pregnant. It’s what I’m good at, even this very position seems like a better fit than the previous ones. The schools there are better, our child(ren) would have a better education if we stayed long-term.
I somehow feel like I am being taken care of.
On a bigger scale, I feel okay about this somehow. Except for the hormonal moments. I feel sad about leaving alone, but okay. I do feel like this is what I should do now and I know I can do it, even with the baby and everything.
(Besides, I can always come back and no one will blame me for not wanting to live so far away from everything.)

I’d just like to hear if anyone has a similar experience or some advice, I just needed to get this out of my system.
(I haven’t told people here about the job, I’m waiting for them to check everything and confirm it. Unfortunately, that also means I can only share this with my husband and mother.)

 

[Ms_Manners]

I have to if I get this job.
(And it’s down to paperwork, so I’m hoping it’s mine.)

Here I am almost certain to remain unemployed for another year and a half. For the past two years most of my interviews ended when we confirmed that I am 31/32, married and had no children yet. Like I said, I even lost an interview since I’ve been pregnant.
Unemployment here is 20 per cent, most people are on minimum wage, and I am in a really undesirable group - woman with a small first child (which means I might get pregnant again), no very special skills to make up for it, no connections.
Financially we are running out of resources.
It’s not life-or-death yet, but my parents were going to sell some property (which isn’t actually that valuable, but the only thing they can do) to be able to help us, and they wouldn’t have to if I found a job. My father could retire soon, but both my sister and I are unemployed and he can’t afford to in case we need help. The next step would be to move in with his parents, they have a bigger house.
I just don’t feel it is fair to ask them all to make such sacrifices while I turn down a job, even if it is inconvenient for us.

The separation wouldn’t be permanent, but we can’t risk my husband quitting his job before I have a more permanent contract on the other side. Unfortunately, it coincides with the third trimester and the first year of the baby’s life.
He could come with me right away, but he’d have a hard time finding a job here again if we had to move back after the first year. (If I didn’t get a contract after that.)

If it weren’t for the pregnancy and later the baby, the decision would still be difficult, but much easier in a way, because long-term it is a good opportunity and we agreed on some things when I applied, although it was a long shot. (Funny, he has been convinced I’d get the job all along, believed in me more than I dared believe in myself.)
We’d be more mobile, weekends would be easier both logistically and materially if we didn’t need the money for the baby first.
But don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry the baby is here and I don’t wish it weren’t. I’m actually kind of glad, otherwise we might have decided to postpone for a few more years, which might be too long. It won’t be easy for a while, true, but then it should be better for a longer time.

I feel like an army wife with a strange twist that I’m the one being shipped out.

 

[Lorelei12]

Is your husband looking for a better-paying job, or an additional job?

Personally, I don’t believe I would be able to do this. There are so many unknowns- the possibility of bedrest, a potential c-section and/or complications during delivery that would make recovery hard even with a support person available, your baby’s health and temperament, navigating the health system and everything else alone in a new country, how demanding your new job is…etc. I think it would be difficult enough for a mom who wasn’t working do deal with it all herself, but throw the job in there too and it seems like too much. Not to mention my husband never would have wanted to miss being there, given the choice.

Also, do you know what the parameters of your maternity leave would be? I am not sure where the job is, but hopefully it’s not in the US because generally here if you haven’t been working at the same job for a year before you deliver, you only get 6 weeks of unpaid leave. If you are moving for a better job opportunity, I hope it’s to a place where you have paid maternity leave because otherwise I’m not sure why you’d even consider it?

I guess it all depends on what you want the most and what you and your husband are willing to give up to get it. It’s not something I would ever be able to do- not for a job that may or may not work out. I like stability though, and am not much of a risk taker.

 

[7_Sorrows]

You have a lot on your plate and will continue to have until your husband joins you. Starting a new job and having a baby and being alone in a new city or country will be huge stress factors. What support will you have? If you don’t have children it is difficult to understand the adjustments one has to make in their life the first year or so. I don’t know your age, but youth makes us more resilient.
Will you have health insurance right away with your new job-what kind of maternity leave will you have? Just some things to think about.

 

[Ms_Manners]

Is your husband looking for a better-paying job, or an additional job?

He is looking for a second job.
It’s not that he doesn’t make enough, it’s that he’s not even supposed to.
His salary isn’t actually that bad, it’s just not enough for the three of us.
In our culture it is very uncommon for women to stay at home and the whole family to be able to live on one paycheck. And the paychecks reflect that, there aren’t that many jobs where he could make enough for me to stay home and not worry about money.
Women are expected to work, and I have always worked before, I wasn’t going to stop, but women who are in the child-bearing years have become an undesirable group.

Also, do you know what the parameters of your maternity leave would be?

Of course, I’d get health care right away and paid maternity, a few months.

What support will you have?

My husband could take time off and come be with us.
The only problem is the due date, he might miss it if it happened earlier or suddenly and he didn’t have time to come.
After him, my mother could come stay with me, she already said I can have her vacation time.
And later I’d have to get a babysitter or some sort of nursery.

I could try to come home for my maternity, it’s allowed as far as they are concerned, but it would mean practically moving again when the baby is still very small, which is much more work and extra cost, also the paperwork is horrible since I’d have to go through a lot of it like it was the first time, I’d almost be a stranger in my own country technically.

I guess it all depends on what you want the most and what you and your husband are willing to give up to get it.

It’s not about this one job.
It’s for the opportunity to leave this horrible situation our country is sinking into. Discrimination, corruption, irregularities, lawlessness…
Things have been getting steadily worse for years. In 10 years, only those without a choice will be left here. This might be my one out, and I want it.
If this one year gives me the opportunity to have a better life, or maybe even return on better terms some day, I’ll take it and I’ll deal with the separation, the waiting, the single-parent lifestyle for a while.
If it turns out it’s not worth it, I can always come back, knowing I at least tried.

 

[7_Sorrows]

I guess you will have to weigh the odds then - make a list of pros and cons. If your husband and mother are able to come around the time of the baby’s birth that is definitely something I would recommend. Praying for you.

 

[Ms_Manners]

I was hoping someone here has had a similar experience and could share some of it.

 

[VivienneJ]

It will be challenging for sure and difficult to be ‘alone’ starting a new job in a new country and having a baby. However you have excellent motivation in the reward of the new country offering a better life for your family.

If you are going to a country, or area, that has a large ex-pat community, you will likely find very supportive people who remember themselves being new in a foreign country.

I spent seven years living in a foreign country (on the other side of the world to my daughters, sons-in-law and grandchildren) and while it is not easy, if you focus on the reasons why you are doing it during the most difficult times, you get through it and the ultimate benefits are worth the tough times.

 

[bitterhope]

My situation is different but maybe similar enough to be helpful. My husband is in the military. We have not lived close to family in about 10 yrs and many times have been in different countries. One of my pregnancies (#4) we had moved just before I found out we were expecting. I had a feeling but nothing confirmed. We moved to Europe for the first time and I knew no one. I didn’t know the language. We were in the community because the post did not have housing available for us (24 month wait list). Three months after arriving, my husband deployed for 14 months. So I was half the world away from everyone I knew, trying to raise my kids in a country whose language I didn’t understand, and preparing for my fifth child in 4 years (I already had a 4, 3, and twin nearly 2 yr olds). It was terrifying.

Things that helped were becoming involved in our local parish. Many older women became “adoptive” grandmothers to my kids and helped out with childcare when I had dr appts and for delivery. They also visited often and helped me to pick up enough language skills to get by when I was out on my own. Eventually I made friends with other Army wives and that helped to provide a connection to “home” as well. Another thing that helped was reminding myself that this was all temporary and served a purpose. I faked self confidence when I didn’t have any. My kids were amazing in the fact that they not only picked up the language quickly and helped me out, but their inquisitiveness made me search for things that were fun and enjoyable when I probably otherwise would have stayed home alone. Yours will be too young to do this, so try to push yourself to do that. If at all possible try not to worry about baby being away from dad for his first few months-first year. I know many will argue this, but children are very resilient and I promise he will NOT remember the separation. My kids are often separated from their father for months or even up to 2 years at a time and the bond between my kids and my husband is extremely tight. If you are concerned with how to keep that bond strong during long separations, PM me and I can tell you some of the things we do at various ages and stages. And of course prayer and handing it all over to Jesus carried me through the hardest times.

Your situation is not at all ideal, but God chose to hand this to you for a reason. He believes your family is strong enough and capable enough to not only survive this, but to do it in a way that shines as a light to the world for His glory. I’ll be praying that whatever decision you make that it goes as smoothly as possible and that it gives you confidence in your abilities and in your husbands love.

 

[Ms_Manners]

Thank you for sharing.

I have already looked at some English-speaking Catholic parishes there.
I don’t think they have any in my own language, but English will be fine.
I don’t speak the local language yet, but I should start learning right away.

I know one person there who is already helping me, I met her on a different forum and we met in person the last time I was there. Facebook should make it easier to connect with others through groups.

I keep reminding myself (and my husband at times) that I prayed for guidance, and I do feel like I am being given this for a reason.
I hope that helps keep me going through the tough times, prayer has always worked to help me remember some things.

 

[bitterhope]

Thank you for sharing.

I have already looked at some English-speaking Catholic parishes there.
I don’t think they have any in my own language, but English will be fine.

I don’t speak the local language yet, but I should start learning right away.

I know one person there who is already helping me, I met her on a different forum and we met the last time I was there. Facebook should make it easier to connect with others through groups.

I keep reminding myself (and my husband at times) that I prayed for guidance, and I do feel like I am being given this for a reason.
I hope that helps keep me going through the tough times, prayer has always worked to help me remember some things.

It takes a lot of strength to make it in these situations and that is why God assure that most people never have to experience them. You can do this and make it work but it takes staying focused on your end goal and also staying centered in your faith. I’m not going to lie and tell you it’s easy and it always works out “best” (however that is really measured here on earth), but it is possible to not just make it through this in one piece, but to make it through this a stronger Catholic in a stronger family unit. Hard times really do make us better, more understanding individuals that are courageous and compassionate. Your baby is blessed to have such strong parents

 

[Ms_Manners]

Since we all hate no-update stories, here it goes…

I got the job, definitely, I am moving in three weeks.
I will be 7 and a half months pregnant when I start, but I am having a perfect pregnancy, I can do anything I need to, and my husband is always a 2-hour flight away.
He will come a few days before I give birth and stay with us for almost two months, then my mother and aunt can come for a while, so we’re not alone.

I have a lot of work to do now, I had to wait for final confirmation to take care of some practical steps, so I have to get to it now, but I decided to take an “us” afternoon today and start early tomorrow morning.
As much as I am happy about the job, I am not thrilled about the distance, and this is the last day we can afford not to think about it before we have to get practical, so that’s what we’re doing.

It won’t be easy, but I hope (and trust) that it will be worth it in the end. The Lord has been good to us.

 

[Sarcelle]

Praying for you.

 

[VivienneJ]

May this lead to all the good you both hoped it would.

 

[Ms_Manners]

I just have to share this…
It seems I found an apartment there, with the help of an acquaintance. I am supposed to move in a few days.
The address - Optimism Street!!
Now I love the sound of that!

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[PhiloMed]

That’s great! How is the pregnancy coming along? Are you feeling ok? Of all the questions I get asked when pregnant, that is the only one I really welcome because it gives me a chance to complain and get some sympathy.

The rest of the time when someone asks “how are you” they don’t really want to know.

 

[Ms_Manners]

Thank you for asking.
The pregnancy is still going great, the baby is doing well and growing at just the right rate, and I feel awesome, don’t even mind the heartburn and not being able to sleep much.

We just had a check-up the other day and my doc says I am in perfect shape. I am very thankful for that (among other things, of course), it really makes things much easier for me (with everything going on) and my husband (not worrying even more).

I am busy packing and making all the final arrangements, we move on Tuesday.

 

[PhiloMed]

Thank you for asking.
The pregnancy is still going great, the baby is doing well and growing at just the right rate, and I feel awesome, don’t even mind the heartburn and not being able to sleep much.

We just had a check-up the other day and my doc says I am in perfect shape. I am very thankful for that (among other things, of course), it really makes things much easier for me (with everything going on) and my husband (not worrying even more).

I am busy packing and making all the final arrangements, we move on Tuesday.

That’s fantastic! And I totally understand how an easy, healthy pregnancy makes everything easier. Snaps life into perspective. When I would come to work in the morning after an OB appointment and find there was work piled up I never cared. My baby was healthy and that’s all that mattered.