Pregnant, not married

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kittyplant

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some of you might have read my old posts, my confusion over my relationship with my atheist boyfriend. also, a long story about how i was finally starting to really convert and stop blatantly sinning… but i am now pregnant. i am 27 but i dont have a degree or a career (just a part time job). i am living in WA on my own. Family is in NY. dont know what to do. the father wants to be with me and is happy about the baby. dont know if i could marry him because i dont know if God would be ok with it. If it were up to me i would marry him and hope for the best. I dont know what to do or think.
 
Dear kittyplant,

Is it that you aren’t sure about whether to marry your atheist boyfriend, or aren’t you sure about whether to give birth to the child as well?
I think a marriage should be possible, provided that your future husband promises to let you practice your faith. And he must agree with raising the child in the catholic faith, even if he himself can’t take an active part in it, so that will be your turn as a Catholic mum.
Don’t worry too much, it doesn’t really help. Things happen, we are only human… and now that you’re expecting a child, make the best out of it for your baby’s sake!
I will pray for you and I hope my answer helps you at least a little bit…

Amanda
 
Amanda_Germany said:
Dear kittyplant,

Is it that you aren’t sure about whether to marry your atheist boyfriend, or aren’t you sure about whether to give birth to the child as well?
I think a marriage should be possible, provided that your future husband promises to let you practice your faith. And he must agree with raising the child in the catholic faith, even if he himself can’t take an active part in it, so that will be your turn as a Catholic mum.
Don’t worry too much, it doesn’t really help. Things happen, we are only human… and now that you’re expecting a child, make the best out of it for your baby’s sake!
I will pray for you and I hope my answer helps you at least a little bit…

Amanda
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Thank you for replying. I want to keep my baby ( as in not give baby for adoption) also want to be with my boyfriend and stay catholic. Just not sure if that can happen.
 
kittyplant said:
some of you might have read my old posts, my confusion over my relationship with my atheist boyfriend. also, a long story about how i was finally starting to really convert and stop blatantly sinning… but i am now pregnant. i am 27 but i dont have a degree or a career (just a part time job). i am living in WA on my own. Family is in NY. dont know what to do. the father wants to be with me and is happy about the baby. dont know if i could marry him because i dont know if God would be ok with it. If it were up to me i would marry him and hope for the best. I dont know what to do or think.
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You need to sit down and talk with him about it. If he wants to marry you, so be it. You need to tell him that the child will be raised Catholic. If he doesn’t like it, well, then you have your answer. From what I can tell he is supportive of you and excited about the baby. You certainly didn’t get pregnant on your own. You have some decisions to make.

Oh, and “giving up” is not a term used in adoption. Hasn’t been used in quite some time.😉
 
All your sins can be forgiven in confession. The Catholic Church is ready to accept you back into the church. I’m not sure what the specifics are about marriage and such. You need to talk to your pastor about this. Normally, both parents need to be Catholic, so I think you would need a dispensation to marry your atheist boyfriend. I think you need to make an oath to raise the child in the Catholic faith. Your boyfriend would have to accept this. The marriage will be harder, for sure, without two Catholics supporting each other, but with God’s help you can find a way to make it work.
 
We never have a guarantee, that’s all I can say. I married an Evangelical “born-again” Christian and gave birth to two children, and I ended up in divorce… luckily we weren’t married in Church because he refused it. You never know how things will go, only God knows.
It’s great that you have already made a clear decision for your baby!! I hope the best for all of you. Have you talked to your boyfriend yet? What does he think about marriage? Does he respect your Catholic faith?
 
Julianna said:
You need to sit down and talk with him about it. If he wants to marry you, so be it. You need to tell him that the child will be raised Catholic. If he doesn’t like it, well, then you have your answer. From what I can tell he is supportive of you and excited about the baby. You certainly didn’t get pregnant on your own. You have some decisions to make.

Oh, and “giving up” is not a term used in adoption. Hasn’t been used in quite some time.😉
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I didnt say give up i said give.
 
Amanda_Germany said:
We never have a guarantee, that’s all I can say. I married an Evangelical “born-again” Christian and gave birth to two children, and I ended up in divorce… luckily we weren’t married in Church because he refused it. You never know how things will go, only God knows.
It’s great that you have already made a clear decision for your baby!! I hope the best for all of you. Have you talked to your boyfriend yet? What does he think about marriage? Does he respect your Catholic faith?
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He says he likes that im catholic because it makes me who i am, and that i could raise baby catholic but that he would tell our child his opinions about why he doesnt go to church etc if he/she asks. also i do not see him complying with nfp, dont see how that would work…
 
Jared2914 said:
All your sins can be forgiven in confession. The Catholic Church is ready to accept you back into the church. I’m not sure what the specifics are about marriage and such. You need to talk to your pastor about this. Normally, both parents need to be Catholic, so I think you would need a dispensation to marry your atheist boyfriend. I think you need to make an oath to raise the child in the Catholic faith. Your boyfriend would have to accept this. The marriage will be harder, for sure, without two Catholics supporting each other, but with God’s help you can find a way to make it work.
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NOTE: One does not need a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic in the Church. One needs a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic outside the Church.

Also the oath is to do everything in one’s power to raise the child(ren) Catholic, but the spouse does not have to make the same oath. The spouse just needs to know about the oath the Catholic makes.

To the OP: I will pray for you and your baby.

God Bless.

Hail Mary, full of Grace
The Lord is with you
Blessed are you among women
And Blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
 
kittyplant said:
Thank you for replying. I want to keep my baby ( as in not give baby for adoption) also want to be with my boyfriend and stay catholic. Just not sure if that can happen.
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It certainly can happen. The question is whether you have the will to make it happen.

You can keep the baby or place it for adoption to a good family. Both are good and moral choices.

You should certainly stay Catholic and, if you raise the child, raise him/her Catholic. That should go without saying.

Whether you should marry the father or not is a serious decision and should be decided after some counseling and consultation with your pastor.

In all of these decisions, you need to take stock of your maturity, education, financial resources and the father’s maturity, education, financial resources.

Praying for you! You have very adult responsibilities now.
 
Would you consider speaking with a priest or a counselor from Catholic Social Services to discuss your options?
 
If you weren’t pregnant, would you be considering marriage?
Is the pregnancy making you feel pressured into a decision sooner than you are ready?
You don’t have to answer, but think about it. Don’t be pressured. That clock ticking is for the birth of a baby, not for you to rush into a decision of marriage.
May God be your strength today and guide you.
 
kittyplant said:
some of you might have read my old posts, my confusion over my relationship with my atheist boyfriend. also, a long story about how i was finally starting to really convert and stop blatantly sinning… but i am now pregnant. i am 27 but i dont have a degree or a career (just a part time job). i am living in WA on my own. Family is in NY. dont know what to do. the father wants to be with me and is happy about the baby. dont know if i could marry him because i dont know if God would be ok with it. If it were up to me i would marry him and hope for the best. I dont know what to do or think.
Click to expand...
Praying for you & praying to Our Lady of Quadalupe for your baby.
 
phil19034 said:
NOTE: One does not need a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic in the Church. One needs a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic outside the Church.
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This is wrong. The dispensation to marry a non-Catholic is different than the one to marry outside of the Church. Two separate dispensations.
 
kittyplant said:
Thank you for replying. I want to keep my baby ( as in not give baby for adoption) also want to be with my boyfriend and stay catholic. Just not sure if that can happen.
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I think you need to rank those three things in your heart…which are most important to you…
keeping your baby and not giving him/her up for adoption
being with your boyfriend
staying Catholic

I know what I hope your 1,2,3 order is…🙂 (hint…staying Catholic should come first, because your eternal soul, your relationship with God and your ability to be in Communion with Jesus should be most important…)

Just my thoughts…
 
PLEASE, for the sake of all three of you, do NOT marry this man just because you are having a baby together. My DH (dear husband) did that with his first wife. She left him after they had been married for 4 years. (The marriage was subsequently declared invalid and we are sacramentally married; we’ve been married for almost 3 years.) If you want to get married, it should be because you genuinely feel called to marry this man, not just because you have a child together. Some important things to think about:
  1. Do you see yourself having a future with this man? If he wants to move or change careers, will you be able to support that? Will he support YOU in terms of what YOU want to do with your life?
  2. What impact will this baby have on your relationship? If you are only getting married because of the baby, what happens when the baby is grown up and out of the house? What if (God forbid) something happens and your child dies? What’s holding your marriage together at this point?
  3. How will this man support you in your faith walk? How will you practice your faith if he is not supportive? How will you raise your child in the faith?
  4. If he will not agree to NFP, will he expect you to go on birth control? (If he chooses to use birth control himself, i.e. a condom, and you have made your Catholic obligations known, my understanding is that you do not sin by having sex with him. That is HIS sin, not yours.) What will he do if he doesn’t want to practice NFP, doesn’t want to use a condom, and wants you to go on birth control yet you refuse?
  5. How well do you TRULY know this man? How long have you been together? I’ve heard it said that ideally, you should know someone for at least a year before you marry them. You can hide a marriage, a drug problem, another family, etc. for about a year at most. After that it gets pretty hard to maintain a charade. My DH and his ex were dating online for several months before they met in person, but only had spent a total of about 8-10 weeks together before they realized they were pregnant and felt they HAD to get married. By this time they had already realized that they weren’t very compatible and didn’t have very much in common - but they felt that they needed to legitimize their daughter. My DH’s parents weren’t dating very long either before his mother got pregnant - and again, she really wanted to marry his dad, and his dad wanted to take responsibility for the baby. That marriage lasted ~16-17 years or so before she found someone else, had an affair, and kicked DH’s dad out - although emotionally they had drifted apart already prior to that point, and the marriage had not been in the greatest shape for years.
  6. Divorcing when you have children is extremely traumatic for the children. DH’s parents divorced when he was 17. That was tough for him. DH and his ex divorced when DSD (dear stepdaughter) was almost 4 - and she STILL has some emotional difficulties with it; it’s been more than 5 YEARS since her mother left her dad. Are you prepared to deal with the realities of being a single parent should you get a divorce? How will your child deal with it?
  7. Can you honestly say that you feel that you are being called to marriage with this man? You say that you would “marry him and hope for the best”. What’s the motivation behind your marrying him? What are you hoping to get from this marriage? Do you fully understand that the Church expects that you will be married for life - and do you understand, fully, what that entails? If you’re 27 now, you could easily spend 50 or more YEARS with this man. Are you really SURE that you’re prepared to make this commitment with this man? What’s the “best” that you’re wanting out of the marriage? How does this compare with what you will likely get out of the marriage? (Remember that a perfect “happily ever after” doesn’t exist - and any “happily ever after” you DO get takes work, both before AND after the marriage.) What’s the “worst” that might happen in your marriage - based on what you know of your boyfriend and what you know of yourself? (For example - do you have concerns about his or your use of money, how he treats you, whether you or he might end up being unfaithful, your and his commitment to the marriage, etc. Have you seen him at his “worst” and is it something you’d be able to cope with? Has he seen you at your “worst” and is it something HE’D be able to cope with?)
It sounds to me as if you’re wanting to marry this man pretty much out of desperation - it sounds as if you have minimal support and minimal income. To be frank, this is a pretty poor foundation for a marriage. You’re not truly giving valid consent - and this could be grounds for a declaration of nullity later on. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE for the sake of yourself, your BF, and your child, AT LEAST wait until a bit later on before you get married - and PLEASE go through marital preparation - pre-Cana or a similar program at a bare minimum. Having seen the damaging impact of divorce on children, and what happens when people get married for the wrong reasons, it’s not something I would wish on anyone.
 
Jared2914 said:
All your sins can be forgiven in confession. The Catholic Church is ready to accept you back into the church. I’m not sure what the specifics are about marriage and such. You need to talk to your pastor about this. Normally, both parents need to be Catholic, so I think you would need a dispensation to marry your atheist boyfriend. I think you need to make an oath to raise the child in the Catholic faith. Your boyfriend would have to accept this. The marriage will be harder, for sure, without two Catholics supporting each other, but with God’s help you can find a way to make it work.
Click to expand...
As Pope has said, Christ is for all… Church accepts every one, irrespective who they are… So do not worry, take a bold decision and come back to Lord. We will pray for you.
 
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