Pregnant Teenager

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I havent read all the posts so please forgive me in advance if this has already been mentioned. But I recommend contacting Rachels Vineyard. They can provide counseling and other assistance, whether your daughter keeps her baby, or gives it up for adoption.

Please do not feel pressure that you should raise the child yourself. Only you, your husband, and daughter can know if this is the right decision for you. If you do choose adoption, please know you are providing the gift of a child to a family who might not be able to conceive their own child. There is no other more generous gift.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Coming from an adult male, you do need to factor the father and his family into this.
  1. How does the father’s family feel? You may not need to raise the baby alone, the father’s family may (in fact should) pitch in.
  2. I would also seek legal counsel, because the father and his family may try to gain custody rights. It can also help you in determining what help you and your daughter can receive.
Again, how old is the father? Although in general I am a believer in using statutory rape charges to deter predators, if he only turned 18 and he and his family are willing to take responsibilty, I can see where it might make sense to forgo the statutory rape charge (although raising the possibility could scare the daylights out of him and his parents and be used as a bargaining chip if they are unwilling). I also think he should be willing to marry her, if for no other reason that it will (hopefully) take him off the streets where he could knock up other women. But if this is a bar-hopping fornicating bum who is an established adult, well, that is creepy and he should be charged with statutory rape - 30 year olds should not be knocking up 15 year olds.
 
Maria1212 said:
I havent read all the posts so please forgive me in advance if this has already been mentioned. But I recommend contacting Rachels Vineyard. They can provide counseling and other assistance, whether your daughter keeps her baby, or gives it up for adoption.

Please do not feel pressure that you should raise the child yourself. Only you, your husband, and daughter can know if this is the right decision for you. If you do choose adoption, please know you are providing the gift of a child to a family who might not be able to conceive their own child. There is no other more generous gift.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
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Maria, unless you know something I don’t, Rachel’s Vineyard is a place of healing for those who have had an abortion or for those who were deeply affected by her abortion not the pregnant girl.

Brenda V.
 
Yeah Cecilia that is really great that she never considered abortion. Maybe your family will consider just keeping the child and you could all chip in with helping bring him or her up, as long as the young man and your daughter shoulder the vast majority of the rearing. My inlaws youngest got pregnant when she was fifteen and she was very irresponsible and my inlaws and th young mans family did most of the child care and that hurt the kids relationship and bonding with her parents.
God Bless your family, you will all be just fine as you embrace the blessing of your newcomer.🙂
Cecilia1963 said:
Hey, everybody,
I’m new, and I could use some advice. My daughter is 15, and just last night told me she is pregnant. We had not been allowing her to date, but I did know she had a young man that she liked. I was too late figuring out that she was sneaking out in the middle of the night to be with him.

We’re in the “what now” stage, and my husband and I feel like we’ve been run over by a truck. My daughter wants to keep the baby, and she was horrified when I mentioned her boyfriend could be charged with statutory rape (he could). What are the moral/church considerations if we look into adoption? Is it a sin to consider asking somebody else to raise this baby? Fortunately, neither my daughter or her boyfriend are trying to push for abortion, so at least that question is out of the way.

Anybody been here before? Thanks!
Cecilia
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I had my daughter when I was 19 years old. I wasn’t married at the time and I regret that. But I don’t regret having my 4 year old daughter. I think it taught me how to love, it taught me responsibility. I know that having a baby at a young age, especially being unmarried, isn’t something that parents want for their children. But that baby is still a blessing in so many ways.

As far as adoption goes, my thing is think about how happy you would be making that family. My step sister gave her son up for adoption and yes, it was hard for her and our entire family. But we are comforted to know what kind of joy we gave to that family. People who adopt really want babies.

I hope that helps a little. I hope that you get through this trying time okay!
 
jasmine_n_july said:
Sixth, he’s 18 or 19. He has no money. He can’t pay very much child support to begin with.
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Correct me if i’m wrong, but the OP didn’t say how old the father was. Most people here are presuming the father is older, though I do not know what they are basing that on. The age of the father is an impact in the decision of course, but do think carefully before calling the police.

Here in Wisconsin, if two 15 year old are having sex they can both be criminally charged. You’d be surprised how often we get some father calling us and filing a complaint that his 15 year old daughter was satutorily raped and then gets a very big surprise when his daughter is arrested as well. After all, they both committed a crime by having sex with someone underage. Of course, as juveniles, the criminal record is confidential, but it’s still a big pain. Whether right or wrong, it’s the way the law here is.

My advice is to check your state laws very carefully and see how much the father will be involved in the life of the child before making any decisions.

Anyway, I will pray that this situation works out as best as it can. And pray for both parents involved.

Good luck to you.
 
I was 18 and unmarried when I became pregnant with my first child. My then boyfriend’s parents held positions of leadership at their evangelical protestant church and were aghast at the scandal caused by their son impregnating a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. They wrote me a rather nasty letter saying they would have nothing to do with me or my child, and that my only option was to give the child up for adoption. My (completely non-religious) family supported me all the way in keeping my daughter. My grandmother’s exact words were “we don’t give our children away.”

BTW, I don’t think it’s wrong to consider adoption, if that’s what the girl really wants. People have a tendency to succumb to weakness of the flesh at any age; just the fact that she is pregnant at such a tender age is not in and of itself an indication that she can’t be an adequate mother for her child. I think it depends a lot on whether she is able to receive finanacial and moral support from her family, and whether she is motivated to make the necessary sacrifices to be a good parent AND do what she needs to do to grow up and secure her own future. It can be done.

My dd is now 12 years old. Her father married another woman when my dd was 2 years old (he and I never married). They do not have any children. My dd has a great relationship with her dad and his parents, and she is loved tremendously by all. I got married when she was 5 years old, and I now have 3 dd’s ages 12, 6 and 3, and one more dd due in December. I couldn’t imagine my family without all of my girls together.
 
My mother got pregnant with me at 15. My grandparents sought advice of the parish priest. God bless him because I know he was giving the best advice that he could. He recommended that they give me up for adoption. They struggled with this for a while, but luckily decided to keep me and help raise me. And they also did the best thing possible - they raised me in the Catholic faith. And now I’m raising my children in the faith and my wife was brought into the faith through my example and they example of my family. It was tough for a while, from what I’m told. And now But I am so glad that they sacrificed for me. I have a very loving relationship with my mother and grandparents. While I never really knew my biological father, I was still a very happy child. I never knew my mother to be a “child”. She was always “mom”. She ended up meeting and marrying the man whom I now call father and he legally adopted me when I was about two.

Every situation is different but I thought you would just like to hear it from the side of the child. God bless.
 
Leo1984 said:
My mother got pregnant with me at 15. My grandparents sought advice of the parish priest. God bless him because I know he was giving the best advice that he could. He recommended that they give me up for adoption. They struggled with this for a while, but luckily decided to keep me and help raise me. And they also did the best thing possible - they raised me in the Catholic faith. And now I’m raising my children in the faith and my wife was brought into the faith through my example and they example of my family. It was tough for a while, from what I’m told. And now But I am so glad that they sacrificed for me. I have a very loving relationship with my mother and grandparents. While I never really knew my biological father, I was still a very happy child. I never knew my mother to be a “child”. She was always “mom”. She ended up meeting and marrying the man whom I now call father and he legally adopted me when I was about two.

Every situation is different but I thought you would just like to hear it from the side of the child. God bless.
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Your own experience sounds a lot like what happened with one of my cousins. My uncle (my mom’s brother) got married at age 18 (just out of high school) to a 19 year old with a 2 year old son. Shortly after they were married, he legally adopted the son (my cousin - he’s 4 years younger than me). My aunt and uncle, who also happen to be my godparents, have been happily married for 27 years.
 
**I knew of a young, unmarried lady (not sure her age, but she was young) who found herself pregnant. She wanted to give the baby a real home, with a Mommy & Daddy, which was something she couldn’t give. She placed the baby for adoption. The baby (a girl) was adopted at 5 days old, and has grown happily with her new family. She is now 17 years old. She is very grateful that her birth-mother loved her enough to let her go. She has a wonderful life, many friends, and many plans. She will be graduating High School in May, and has plans for college. She is greatly loved. She talks often about how grateful she is that she was adopted, and how it’s the best thing that ever happened to her.

I know adoption isn’t for everyone, but it has been an unspeakably great blessing to many people.

May God lead you to the right decision.

By the way, the baby in the story…

It’s me.**
 
I was one of those babies although my mom was a little older. There are so many times I wished she would have given me up for adoption. Growing up with immature parents has been a burden in many ways. They struggled and did finally make things financially better. But the other stuff that had nothing to do with money was terrible. Now as a grown woman I still have to deal with this stuff. It is never ending the bad decisions people can make. I’ve watched this with other family members who have had children either at a young age or out of wedlock. At least my parents stayed married and we didn’t have the constant changing of the latest boyfriend or husband/girlfriend or wife thing. There are so many days I wish I could have had a mature woman as a mother.
 
I glanced through the bottom half of posts after reading the top half and didn’t see this mentioned. You stated that the father could be charged with statutory rape. You also are wondering about your daughter’s options for making an adoption plan.

Have you thought about the fact that the father and his family have a right to raise the baby should your daughter not do so? He will either need to have absconded (which it doesn’t sound like he’s done) or he will have to agree to an adoption. If he doesn’t agree, he and his family can raise the baby.

Please take into account the life this child will lead in the home of a man who raped his mother.

Further, your daughter will become eligible for a number of financial and educational supports if she decides to parent. She and the baby will be considered their own family and legal household. If you are paying for everything, you’ll be able to count them both as dependents for tax purposes. You have no legal obligation to pay for their care and if you are not, she will be eligible for a number of programs including WIC, Medicaid, day care assistance, food stamps, and a number of other programs. It will be a huge sacrifice, but there is assistance out there to help her and the baby should she decide to make it.

Lastly, she can always place the baby for adoption later if things become overwhelming. While newborns are more commonly placed, two and three year olds are not uncommon. She can’t go back on an adoption, but she can always have adoption as a secondary plan should the primary plan of parenting not work out.
 
DaughterOfLight said:
**I knew of a young, unmarried lady (not sure her age, but she was young) who found herself pregnant. She wanted to give the baby a real home, with a Mommy & Daddy,…****I know adoption isn’t for everyone, but it has been an unspeakably great blessing to many people. **

May God lead you to the right decision.

By the way, the baby in the story…

It’s me.
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Funny, you look more mature than 17, at least 19.😉 Great post.
 
JoanOfArc said:
Have you thought about the fact that the father and his family have a right to raise the baby should your daughter not do so? He will either need to have absconded (which it doesn’t sound like he’s done) or he will have to agree to an adoption. If he doesn’t agree, he and his family can raise the baby.

Please take into account the life this child will lead in the home of a man who raped his mother.
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We don’t know how old the father is (Cecilia, if you’ve posted it somewhere, my apologies for not reading closely). If he is 16, then IMO he is not likely to be a sexual predator, rather a teenage boy who let his hormones control his better judgement and who had a ready and apparently willing partner. He’s far from the first teenage boy in this situation and he won’t be the last, unfortunately. If he’s out of high school, then by all means, I would have him charged, but if he’s only a year (or possibly even less) older than the girl, how fair is that to brand him for life as a rapist when she was the one sneaking out to meet him? He will have trouble getting into college, or gettign jobs. He will be blackballed from living in most communities because everyone has easy access to these lists. If she chooses to give up the child, sure, it will be difficult, but she’ll be able to go on and live an otherwise normal life with no obstacles beyond what we all face. Fair? I don’t think so. Both teens should be considered equally responsible in this situation.

I guess it just chills me that many are so willing to have the teenage boy tossed in jail and put on a lifelong sexual predator list for having sex with his girlfriend, who apparently wanted to be with him badly enough to sneak out of her house at night. I understand that in this case (as in many others), they are on different sides of the often arbitrary “age of consent”. However, it seems ridiculous that, for example, a 16-year-old boy who doesn’t have any other adult rights (including, in a few states, the right to obtain even a conditional driver’s license) can be branded for life as a sexual predator simply because he was unlucky enough to be caught. I’m not saying that premarital sex is a good thing- I don’t think teens ever need to be having sex, and I am concerned and disgusted by how much of it goes on- but is legally punishing one partner and not the other, simply because of an age difference usually amounting to 2 years or less, really the answer?

Any moms of teenage boys?
 
Well, the boy used to be a teenager- and because of his condition, I still have nightmares of some young woman showing up on my doorstep with his child…

My theory: If she is 15 and he is over 21, then he has a problem. If he is under 20, then he has hot pants.

In any event, in my experience, too many parents of sons attempt to bail with the tired old excuse, “If she let our boy, she let others”. I only know of one baby where the young man’s parents helped out, insisted he support the child, etc. Both grandparents really made the parents tow the line! But they had to all four be in agreement, knew each other well, and talked for months about the situation.

Without that kind of cooperation from the young man and his parents; and given the fact that it appears Cecilia is going to have the brunt of the work in this case; and no matter how much money her daughter is given in government benefits, does not change her immaturity; I am all for adoption.

Sadly, despite claims to the contrary, I have seen very few young men or their parents come attempt to claim the baby in an adoption. It’s all they can do to get the young man to sign away his rights, and it usually doesn’t take much effort on their part.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
Well, the boy used to be a teenager- and because of his condition, I still have nightmares of some young woman showing up on my doorstep with his child…

My theory: If she is 15 and he is over 21, then he has a problem. If he is under 20, then he has hot pants.

In any event, in my experience, too many parents of sons attempt to bail with the tired old excuse, “If she let our boy, she let others”. I only know of one baby where the young man’s parents helped out, insisted he support the child, etc. Both grandparents really made the parents tow the line! But they had to all four be in agreement, knew each other well, and talked for months about the situation.

Without that kind of cooperation from the young man and his parents; and given the fact that it appears Cecilia is going to have the brunt of the work in this case; and no matter how much money her daughter is given in government benefits, does not change her immaturity; I am all for adoption.

Sadly, despite claims to the contrary, I have seen very few young men or their parents come attempt to claim the baby in an adoption. It’s all they can do to get the young man to sign away his rights, and it usually doesn’t take much effort on their part.
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I agree with you, but this is not what I meant in my post, nor did I mean to make it sound as though I was branding the young woman as “loose”. Likely this was her first and only partner. I wanted to get across the fact that maybe we should not be so quick to brand teenage boys as rapists for sleeping with their teenage girlfriends. In all likelihood Cecilia’s daughter will have no problem getting this boy to sign over his rights, and his parents will probably be very glad to have him do so. If he is cooperative I see no reason to brand him as a felon.
 
My husband works with a man who at the age of 17 got his girl friend pregnant. Her family pressured him to give up his rights and he being young and pretty scared agreed. Well that 17 year old is now a man in his 30’s. He has a wife and two more children. He told my husband his biggest regret in life is his decision to sign away his rights. His daughter is now 16 and he has not seen her since birth, he has no idea even where she is or how she is doing.

I don’t think we should be so eager to push overwhelmed young fathers into signing away their rights. They don’t stay boys forever, in a few years they will be men.
 
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