Premarital Romance

[Nuruns]

Hello,
Could someone please tell me what displays of affection are sinful before marriage? (I know sex is one, of course, but I would like some specific guidelines.) Thank you!

 

[CRW]

Hello,
Could someone please tell me what displays of affection are sinful before marriage? (I know sex is one, of course, but I would like some specific guidelines.) Thank you!

If it is not yours, don’t touch it, lol.

 

[Atreyu]

Hello,
Could someone please tell me what displays of affection are sinful before marriage? (I know sex is one, of course, but I would like some specific guidelines.) Thank you!

I think it’s probably different for every couple. You might like to get your hands on a book called The Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. Basically, when in a relationship, you should never want to “use” your partner as a means to an end. Pretty much anything that turns you or your partner on should be avoided as much as possible, before marriage.

Concretely, of course sex is a no-no. Also, sleeping in the same bed is definitely a no-no (this one came as a bit of a surprise for me, when I found out). French kissing is also a no-no. My fiancée and I kiss each other on the mouth, but I know some people would think that was out too. For me, I can kiss my girl in this way but only for a little while. When I start getting naughty thoughts, it’s time to stop!

I would also say that back massages are in, but with some discretion.

I hope this helps!

 

[Zahmir]

This is probably one of the more difficult questions to answer. Some would like to say no physical contact whatsoever is best while others say that one can do everything up to but not including sex.

In all honesty, both are extremes. It is good and healthy for those who are serious about a relationship to share signs of their love as kisses and hugs. However, it is dangerous and immoral to come so close to sex and to put yourself in a situation where sex is a very real possibility.

Here are some general guidelines:

-Never kiss so much as to “make you want more.” Doing so would be putting yourself in a near occasion of sin, which is harmful and dangerous.

-Never kiss so much as to make yourself forget that you aren’t married. (i.e. remember that you have not become “one flesh.”)

-DO kiss as a **small ** yet meaningful expression of your love. A small expression is all you need at this point in your relationship. (If you disagree with me here, reevaluate your physical relationship.)

-DO share your love as a genuine expression of a loving intention. (i.e. NEVER kiss primarily because you “like the feeling.”)

Specifically:

-No touching. (You know what I mean.)
-No open mouth kissing.
-No passionate kissing.
-Do not kiss laying down. Never lay down together.

I am mostly speaking from experience. However, I strongly recommend reading Theology of the Body for Beginners, by Christopher West and Love and Responsibility, by Pope John Paul II, before he became pope. L&R changed my entire physical relationship, giving me the tools to love my girlfriend more than I ever thought possible with even less kisses.

Please ask if you have any more questions.

 

[Jared123]

I have a friend that is a chastity speaking and might add that she is a virgin or 34 years. However, she is getting married in two weeks. Her guidelines are as follows

1. No kissing for more than three seconds.
2. No laying down togther, and especially no kissing while laying down.
3. No touching and even be careful about back rubs.
4. Don’t ever put yourself in the occasion of sin.
5. Limit time alone with girlfriend/boyfriend.
6. And my favorite, leave space between each other for the Holy Spirit. Attend Mass frequently together, go to confession frequently, say the Rosary, pray together, and do holy hours together. Keep Christ the center of your life.

 

[Malcolm_McLean]

Hello,
Could someone please tell me what displays of affection are sinful before marriage? (I know sex is one, of course, but I would like some specific guidelines.) Thank you!

Normally that is an easy question to answer. Obey the social norms of your time. In some societies it is considered wrong for an unmarried couple to be alone together at all, in others public kissing is the accepted way of showing that two people are in love.

These are not normal times. Our society has experiemented with alternative sexual morality, and though there is a developing consensus that something is very wrong, there is no consensus about why, or what to do about it.

So you’ve got a great opportunity. Being Catholic, you will accept that actual intercourse is forbidden before marriage. You will also accept that behaviour which is likely to lead to intercourse, or a “near occasion of sin” is wrong.

However you’ve got the chance to say, by your example, what you think the rules should be.

 

[noma]

Personally, I think full-fledged making out is okay for some people. Open-mouthed kisses are fine. Holding hands, all that jazz.

But this is why a spiritual adviser is needed. He can help guide you toward where you should draw the line (probably in slightly different places for everyone).

My wife and I remained chaste before marriage by the grace of God. We did make out, but one thing we would do before making out would be to pray together for God to watch over our relationship both now and in the future, and for the Holy Spirit to strengthen our respect for each other, and our continence.

This worked well.