Premarital Sex and My Renewed Interest in Religion

[joclucsylv]

I came to this forum for advice, not to be scolded. You seem fairly judgmental for someone who’s apparently holier than I am. What is the point of your comment?

Many people in this forum act holier than thou and it is rather sickening. We are all on this earth trying to do the best we can trying to seek the truth. I was raised a cradle catholic and never knew that contraception was mortal sin until this forum.My mom did tell me, but without guidance of my parish and catechism, I didn’t believe her. All catholics I knew used birthcontrol so how could it be wrong. We are all of a faith journey and we are all on different levels.

This is an awesome place to get the right information and to be led in the right direction. Welcome!!!

 

[Allegra]

If your fiancee is agreeable just get married now by a Judge with the intention of getting your marriage blessed by the Church later on.

I’m almost positive that you can’t get married in the Church anyway if you’re together. Thus a civil marriage is the lesser of the 2 evils. Seriously get married now or the next big debate will be… when’s a good time to start a family?

You want to put yourself in a position to do the right thing in the eyes of God, for the love/fear of God. Then everything else will fall into place, just as God intended.

This is the worst advice ever. Do not get married outside the Church! Talk to you boyfriend and explain that you want to live a holy life. If he doesn’t respect that, than he isn’t worthy of you. Tell him you want to remain celibate until you get married. That is the best thing for both of you. In our culture, it is very common for people to think that the Church teachings on sexuality are “not a big deal”. Then when they go to precana, they find out otherwise. The best thing to do is to cease and desist with the fornication and plan to remain chaste until you are validly married. I’ve never heard anyone say they regretted doing so.

 

[Allegra]

All our bodies are temples built on sewers - male and female. I suppose if they’d told you murder was a grave sin you wouldn’t have believed that either? Or that 2+2 = 4?

And you never saw or heard anything from more reliable sources than these teachers about fornication being a serious sin? I’m pretty sure the fact has been mentioned in mainstream media once or twice.

It is easy to call BS on that sort of thing, however, we don’t live in other people’s spheres of influence. I grew up surrounded by adults who called themselves Catholic and were terrible examples of the way Catholics are supposed to live. Anyone who questioned their lifestyles were judgemental, holier-that-thou, idiots. It isn’t difficult to find people who claim immoral behavior is perfectly in line with Catholic teaching. After all, God just wants us to be happy, right? And what makes a person happy is doing whatever they feel like doing whenever they feel like doing it, right? So, the OP clearly expresses an interest in doing the right thing. There’s no reason to call BS on her now.

 

[joclucsylv]

It is easy to call BS on that sort of thing, however, we don’t live in other people’s spheres of influence. I grew up surrounded by adults who called themselves Catholic and were terrible examples of the way Catholics are supposed to live. Anyone who questioned their lifestyles were judgemental, holier-that-thou, idiots. It isn’t difficult to find people who claim immoral behavior is perfectly in line with Catholic teaching. After all, God just wants us to be happy, right? And what makes a person happy is doing whatever they feel like doing whenever they feel like doing it, right? So, the OP clearly expresses an interest in doing the right thing. There’s no reason to call BS on her now.

 

[Nate13]

@Sarabellum

Important question that hasn’t been asked. Is your boyfriend Catholic or in general Christian?

 

[maryjk]

So I’m 29 years old and I have premarital sex with my fiancee. We can’t afford to get married right now, and probably wont for another year or so. I’m graduating college in a month, so the date hinges on whether or not I can find a job quickly after graduation.
Part of me wants to get married as cheaply as possible so we get married immediately, but it’s really important to him that we have a nice wedding. It’s a long story LOL.
So I found out TONIGHT that premarital sex is a mortal sin. we’ve been together for almost 3 years, and from what I’ve read it may not have been mortal before now because I didn’t know it was that bad (I always thought that it was some sort of lesser sin) but now that I know it’s a mortal sin, it definitely counts as a mortal sin. I need to know how serious this is. If I continue having sex, will I go to hell?

You know it is a sin. You know it is a serious sin. You know that you need to be married.

The solution? *Stop having sex. *

Or like I said before, get married.

 

[Sarabellum]

@Sarabellum

Important question that hasn’t been asked. Is your boyfriend Catholic or in general Christian?

No, he’s not. I think that deep down he believes in God but thinks that God has turned his back on him. I’m trying to push him in the direction I’m going in, but I think it’ll be a while before he calls himself religious.

 

[Nate13]

No, he’s not. I think that deep down he believes in God but thinks that God has turned his back on him. I’m trying to push him in the direction I’m going in, but I think it’ll be a while before he calls himself religious.

Yeah its going to be rough trying to live as a Christian if you don’t have someone willing to go along with you I hope for your sake he is understanding and willing to help you live in accordance with your faith even if he doesn’t believe it himself.

 

[Trebor135]

Thought_Officer:

If He’s a just God, what you do in the privacy of your home shouldn’t send you on a trajectory to eternal torment.

I agree with most of the rest of your post. I would point out, however, that it seems strange that there would be one area (the only area?) of life in which “a just God” would take no interest. Christ tells us in the same sermon to love our enemies (Matthew 5:43-47) and pursue chastity (Matthew 5:27-32).

 

[Nate13]

I agree with most of the rest of your post. I would point out, however, that it seems strange that there would be one area (the only area?) of life in which “a just God” would take no interest. Christ tells us in the same sermon to love our enemies (Matthew 5:43-47) and pursue chastity (Matthew 5:27-32).

I find it funny that some people believe the only place God has no place is the one thing that is most important to them. This of course ignores that God created them and if something is so important to them it must also be very important to God.

 

[Allegra]

Thought_Officer:

If He’s a just God, what you do in the privacy of your home shouldn’t send you on a trajectory to eternal torment.

Seriously? What if I’m compelled to boil kittens alive in the privacy of my own home? What if I kidnap children and force them into slavery? Is it okay only if they work inside the house or can I have them tend the yard as well? What about running to the store to pick up eggs?

 

[sw85]

No, he’s not. I think that deep down he believes in God but thinks that God has turned his back on him. I’m trying to push him in the direction I’m going in, but I think it’ll be a while before he calls himself religious.

OK. Be aware that in order to marry him in the Church, you will need to seek a dispensation.

So, to gather up the advice so far:

(1) End the sexual aspect of your relationship with him immediately. Peruse the Catechism to gain a more thorough familiarity with mortal sin and see if any other aspects of your life need repair.

(2) Go to confession and confess these sins, including, if you received communion during this period, unworthy reception of the Eucharist. Do appropriate penance (fasting, prayer, and almsgiving are always good). Resolve to sin no more, i.e., no further sex with him until you two are married.

(Be aware that fornication, i.e., premarital sex, is not the only sexual sin that is mortal. Intentional use of contraception, such as the pill, condoms, or coitus interruptus, is also a mortal sin. Basically everything except noncontraceptive marital sex that does not culminate in intravaginal ejaculation [barring accidents and such, of course] is a sin.)

(3) If you are serious about repairing your relationship with the Church, you need to arrange for a valid sacramental marriage, including seeking a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic. I’m not sure if this is true or not, but I’ve heard that this includes him agreeing to raise any children you have Catholic.

All of this is difficult, I know. But you seem sincere in your concern for your soul, or else you wouldn’t have posted about this here. The above is simply what is needed to bring you back into the graces of God and His church.

 

[domandcarols]

OK. Be aware that in order to marry him in the Church, you will need to seek a dispensation.

So, to gather up the advice so far:

(1) End the sexual aspect of your relationship with him immediately. Peruse the Catechism to gain a more thorough familiarity with mortal sin and see if any other aspects of your life need repair.

(2) Go to confession and confess these sins, including, if you received communion during this period, unworthy reception of the Eucharist. Do appropriate penance (fasting, prayer, and almsgiving are always good). Resolve to sin no more, i.e., no further sex with him until you two are married.

(Be aware that fornication, i.e., premarital sex, is not the only sexual sin that is mortal. Intentional use of contraception, such as the pill, condoms, or coitus interruptus, is also a mortal sin. Basically everything except noncontraceptive marital sex that does not culminate in intravaginal ejaculation [barring accidents and such, of course] is a sin.)

(3) If you are serious about repairing your relationship with the Church, you need to arrange for a valid sacramental marriage, including seeking a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic. I’m not sure if this is true or not, but I’ve heard that this includes him agreeing to raise any children you have Catholic.

All of this is difficult, I know. But you seem sincere in your concern for your soul, or else you wouldn’t have posted about this here. The above is simply what is needed to bring you back into the graces of God and His church.

Best Answer.

 

[Nate13]

(3) If you are serious about repairing your relationship with the Church, you need to arrange for a valid sacramental marriage, including seeking a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic. I’m not sure if this is true or not, but I’ve heard that this includes him agreeing to raise any children you have Catholic.

I believe the non-Catholic has to acknowledge that he/she recognizes that the Catholic party has pledged to do their best to raise the children in the Catholic faith.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

All our bodies are temples built on sewers - male and female. I suppose if they’d told you murder was a grave sin you wouldn’t have believed that either? Or that 2+2 = 4?

And you never saw or heard anything from more reliable sources than these teachers about fornication being a serious sin? I’m pretty sure the fact has been mentioned in mainstream media once or twice.

What the heck. Stop trying to pin the OP to the wall. She is here for our help, support and advice. She wants to do the right thing and stop her sin, you don’t have to grill her, counselor.



To the OP, Welcome Home! God never left your side, even if you turned your back on Him, He never left you. And He is so glad to bring you home. You won’t regret your path.

Now for the tough stuff…You are bonded through sex with a man who is not a Christian. The road ahead for you will be bumpier. I suggest that you separate yourself from him for a time, to see if the bond you’ve formed is strong enough to survive what lies ahead. If he runs for the hills, you will know. If he hangs around, maybe you can make it to a future with him. You will be “unequally yoked,” but perhaps you can manage with enough true support. Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS, as a way to start out a marriage. But you have got the cart before the horse - you selected and bonded with this man, not considering his lack of faith, so…One step at a time. You have to stop the fornication, now that you know it is a grave sin, and vow not to do it again. Go to confession, get absolution, and start another life.

 

[Sarabellum]

Now for the tough stuff…You are bonded through sex with a man who is not a Christian. The road ahead for you will be bumpier. I suggest that you separate yourself from him for a time, to see if the bond you’ve formed is strong enough to survive what lies ahead. If he runs for the hills, you will know. If he hangs around, maybe you can make it to a future with him. You will be “unequally yoked,” but perhaps you can manage with enough true support. Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS, as a way to start out a marriage. But you have got the cart before the horse - you selected and bonded with this man, not considering his lack of faith, so…One step at a time. You have to stop the fornication, now that you know it is a grave sin, and vow not to do it again. Go to confession, get absolution, and start another life.

He’s not thrilled about it, but he’s willing to abstain. He’s supportive of how I feel despite the fact that he’s not religious. He was married before we met and went through long periods of abstinence during that time. To be honest, after talking to him I’m more worried about my own level of self-control! But I’ve resolved to do this. I can’t not do it.

 

[Allegra]

He’s not thrilled about it, but he’s willing to abstain. He’s supportive of how I feel despite the fact that he’s not religious. He was married before we met and went through long periods of abstinence during that time. To be honest, after talking to him I’m more worried about my own level of self-control! But I’ve resolved to do this. I can’t not do it.

Doing things God’s way will either be a benefit to your relationship, or will demonstrate that the guy isn’t the one for you. Either way, you are going to end up happier in the end. There are lots of examples of men who are led to a stronger spiritual life by their spouse. (and women too!)

 

[sw85]

He’s not thrilled about it, but he’s willing to abstain. He’s supportive of how I feel despite the fact that he’s not religious. He was married before we met and went through long periods of abstinence during that time. To be honest, after talking to him I’m more worried about my own level of self-control! But I’ve resolved to do this. I can’t not do it.

He was married previously?

Sarabellum, this is a major complication. The Church does not recognize civil divorce. And if it does not recognize his divorce, I don’t believe it can marry you to him – as he is already married and your relationship would be adulterous.

I think we are past the point that you should be seeking our advice. You should speak with your priest, and immediately. I don’t know the circumstances under which this sort of thing would work, but in the absence of an impediment to the marriage on his part, it is very possible that you two would be sacramentally barred from marriage.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

He was married previously?

Sarabellum, this is a major complication. The Church does not recognize civil divorce. And if it does not recognize his divorce, I don’t believe it can marry you to him – as he is already married and your relationship would be adulterous.

I think we are past the point that you should be seeking our advice. You should speak with your priest, and immediately. I don’t know the circumstances under which this sort of thing would work, but in the absence of an impediment to the marriage on his part, it is very possible that you two would be sacramentally barred from marriage.

Unfortunately, Sarabellum, this forum member is giving you correct information. Your boyfriend now has to apply for a review of his vows to determine if that marriage was valid. If it is determined that there was no impediment to marriage on either his part, or his ex wife’s part, then he is still married in the eyes of God and the Church, and you cannot marry him and still receive the sacraments (you would be committing adultery in effect).

It is definitely time to go and speak to a priest. But do not ignore the Holy Spirit’s urging. He will get more insistent as time goes by…

 

[Sarabellum]

Unfortunately, Sarabellum, this forum member is giving you correct information. Your boyfriend now has to apply for a review of his vows to determine if that marriage was valid. If it is determined that there was no impediment to marriage on either his part, or his ex wife’s part, then he is still married in the eyes of God and the Church, and you cannot marry him and still receive the sacraments (you would be committing adultery in effect).

It is definitely time to go and speak to a priest. But do not ignore the Holy Spirit’s urging. He will get more insistent as time goes by…

His marriage ended because his ex was both adulterous and unwilling to stay in the marriage once she was caught. She cheated on him, left him and divorced him. Would a priest really say we can’t get married? It wasn’t his fault that his marriage ended. And on that note, how do I get in contact with a priest? Can I just go to a church at any time or should I call and make an appointment?