Premature Marriage

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Magickman

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The multitude of threads and messages here, relating to troubles with marriage adjustments and married life, suggests that many young couples rush recklessly to the altar.

Carefull discernment of the marriage vocation is not instantaneous. It takes time and reflection, to make a prudent decision.

What cost is incurred, through waiting a few years, rather than only a few months? A strong marriage is unlikely built in haste.

Because a healthy family life is so absolutely important, is it not wise that marriage be based on the firmest of foundations?

Take you time, young couples. Be sure of your intentions. When you marry, marry for the right reasons, and for a long shared life together.
 
I agree with you. I have often wondered this myself. There is no need to rush getting married. When my kids meet people who are potential marriage material someday, and the potential DIL/SIL’s seem to be pushing them too quickly (ie under a year of knowing them) to get married…I would be wary. I have known marriages where the couple knew each other for a short time, but overall…I think that it’s best to be engaged for at least one year (dating time to be at least 6 months) before marrying. This is just me. There are people who date for a long while, and their marriages end in divorce, also. But, I think I’ve seen more marriages end in divorce, whereby the couple just rushed to the altar as you say, too soon. Interesting thread.
 
Magickman said:
The multitude of threads and messages here, relating to troubles with marriage adjustments and married life, suggests that many young couples rush recklessly to the altar.

Carefull discernment of the marriage vocation is not instantaneous. It takes time and reflection, to make a prudent decision.

What cost is incurred, through waiting a few years, rather than only a few months? A strong marriage is unlikely built in haste.

Because a healthy family life is so absolutely important, is it not wise that marriage be based on the firmest of foundations?

Take you time, young couples. Be sure of your intentions. When you marry, marry for the right reasons, and for a long shared life together.
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Good post, it’s true… I married young but I didn’t leave my ex because I couldn’t handle a few things, or because I was no longer “in love” with him… I knew the passion etc eventually would “wear” off but the chances of bringing it back were always there, it was different for him, he wanted the easy ways, his ways or the highway, he didn’t realize the meaning of 2 become 1 and it was hard trying to teach him this and this that he was older than me!! THUS another marriage ended in divorce… 😦

I was engaged but we postponed it to a later time. After 2 years and he spoke to his family about us marrying, well things went down hill, everyone had something to say so we are now taking things slow… We love each other and are trying to learn more about each other because I do not want to deal with divorce or annulment ever again!! I know how to be committed but I still need to know that he’s in it for the same reasons as I am, especially when he decides to be a little irresponsible…kind of makes you THINK?! That’s why taking it slow is a lot better than just rushing… AND even though I feel horrible not getting married this year, maybe next year things will be different and better and who knows maybe then will be the right time for accepting the sacrament of marriage in our lives…

Only GOD knows, and I will continue trying for my relationship in the hopes of it becoming a wonderful marriage!!
 
iluvmybabies said:
Good post, it’s true… I married young but I didn’t leave my ex because I couldn’t handle a few things, or because I was no longer “in love” with him… I knew the passion etc eventually would “wear” off but the chances of bringing it back were always there, it was different for him, he wanted the easy ways, his ways or the highway, he didn’t realize the meaning of 2 become 1 and it was hard trying to teach him this and this that he was older than me!! THUS another marriage ended in divorce… 😦

I was engaged but we postponed it to a later time. After 2 years and he spoke to his family about us marrying, well things went down hill, everyone had something to say so we are now taking things slow… We love each other and are trying to learn more about each other because I do not want to deal with divorce or annulment ever again!! I know how to be committed but I still need to know that he’s in it for the same reasons as I am, especially when he decides to be a little irresponsible…kind of makes you THINK?! That’s why taking it slow is a lot better than just rushing… AND even though I feel horrible not getting married this year, maybe next year things will be different and better and who knows maybe then will be the right time for accepting the sacrament of marriage in our lives…

Only GOD knows, and I will continue trying for my relationship in the hopes of it becoming a wonderful marriage!!
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I’m sorry to hear this…you might have mentioned this in another thread, about your engagement being postponed. I didn’t know that his family put their two cents worth in. I hope things work out, you both sound happy with each other. (sorry OP, didn’t mean to go OT)😊
 
whatevergirl said:
I’m sorry to hear this…you might have mentioned this in another thread, about your engagement being postponed. I didn’t know that his family put their two cents worth in. I hope things work out, you both sound happy with each other. (sorry OP, didn’t mean to go OT)😊
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It’s ok thanks… We are still together, he understands me and as he sadly stated “willing to wait for me whenever I am ready!!” He didn’t care about his family or mine or the he said she said thing but I kind of did, so I am just taking it slow, I love him and we are still learning a lot from each other so no need to rush… HOPEFULLY things will work out for the best and no need to end a marriage because we rushed into it… 😃
 
Magickman said:
The multitude of threads and messages here, relating to troubles with marriage adjustments and married life, suggests that many young couples rush recklessly to the altar.

Carefull discernment of the marriage vocation is not instantaneous. It takes time and reflection, to make a prudent decision.

What cost is incurred, through waiting a few years, rather than only a few months? A strong marriage is unlikely built in haste.

Because a healthy family life is so absolutely important, is it not wise that marriage be based on the firmest of foundations?

Take you time, young couples. Be sure of your intentions. When you marry, marry for the right reasons, and for a long shared life together.
Click to expand...
I do not share your conclusions. The majority of the marriage problems on these threads have to do with the following
  1. Selfishness
  2. Unreasonable and or different expectations
  3. Split marriages (IE one catholic one non catholic)
  4. Betrayal
  5. Boredom
  6. Prudishness
  7. Dishonesty
My only thoughts on people rushing into marriage would be that they may not take the find to find out if someone is selfish, prudish, has unreasonable expectations or disloyalty.

I don’t recall seeing a thread blaming their problems on getting married to soon. To the contrary most of the threads normal make a point at how long their relationship was and how much they have been hurt by whatever action happened.

Most men have a lot to lose by being married so I cannot say that it is common place.
 
nmoerbeek said:
I do not share your conclusions. The majority of the marriage problems on these threads have to do with the following
  1. Selfishness
  2. Unreasonable and or different expectations
  3. Split marriages (IE one catholic one non catholic)
  4. Betrayal
  5. Boredom
  6. Prudishness
  7. Dishonesty
My only thoughts on people rushing into marriage would be that they may not take the find to find out if someone is selfish, prudish, has unreasonable expectations or disloyalty.

I don’t recall seeing a thread blaming their problems on getting married to soon. To the contrary most of the threads normal make a point at how long their relationship was and how much they have been hurt by whatever action happened.

**Most men have a lot to lose by being married so I cannot say that it is common place./**QUOTE]

what do you mean by your last statement (I bolded):confused:
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what do you mean that most men have a lot to lose by being married?? come again? :confused:
 
Magickman said:
The multitude of threads and messages here, relating to troubles with marriage adjustments and married life, suggests that many young couples rush recklessly to the altar.

Carefull discernment of the marriage vocation is not instantaneous. It takes time and reflection, to make a prudent decision.

What cost is incurred, through waiting a few years, rather than only a few months? A strong marriage is unlikely built in haste.

Because a healthy family life is so absolutely important, is it not wise that marriage be based on the firmest of foundations?

Take you time, young couples. Be sure of your intentions. When you marry, marry for the right reasons, and for a long shared life together.
Click to expand...
I told D not to marry me just for lust, but what can I say. She wouldn’t listen. :rolleyes:
 
Guy wrote:

"I told D not to marry me just for lust, but what can I say. She wouldn’t listen."

You have identified what may be the central difficulty inherent to marriage: The challenge of getting women to listen.
 
People can wait too long, too. Sometimes, waiting too long can lead to unfortunate consequences.

Either way, the timing has to right…
 
"People can wait too long, too. Sometimes, waiting too long can lead to unfortunate consequences."

What are the unfortunate consequences of waiting too long?

Are you writing of sexual temptation?
 
Magickman said:
Guy wrote:

"I told D not to marry me just for lust, but what can I say. She wouldn’t listen."

You have identified what may be the central difficulty inherent to marriage: The challenge of getting women to listen.
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What was that you said? I was doing something and didn’t quite catch it? 😃
 
I’m sure that by some people’s standards my DH and i rushed into marriage. We met in 1998, got engaged six weeks after we met, and were married exactly a year to the day we met. 😃

We just knew. Sometimes you just know. Plus we met through an online ad I had put up, and in that ad I stated that I was TIRED of the dating game and was looking for somebody who was ready to settle down and get married, dangit. Not in those words, but you know what I mean. I didn’t want to bother meeting guys who just wanted to have a good time. So when we met, we knew this was about discerning whether the other person was marriage material, not just a fun date.

So we met, and talked over the phone for a couple of weeks, met in person, talked a LOT more, and got engaged. When we went for our first pre-Cana meeting with the priest, he said, “So…you guys met a couple of months ago?” We said yes. His eyebrows went up a little and he said, “So, why not get married in six months? Why wait a year?” We said we did need to get to know each other a TAD more, and a yearlong engagement seemed about right.

Oddly enough, when we took the compatibility test that the priest gave us, we were the most compatible couple he’d ever seen; we we agreed on every single issue except for the “I get along with his family and friends” because I hadn’t met his parents or friends yet. 😊

Nearly ten years later and three kids, we have had our disagreements, oh boy, have we. We have had fights and tears and mistakes. There are things I do that drive him absolutely bonkers, and there are things he does that drive me up a wall. But we have made it work, and we have a committment to make it work. We have the same core values, and I think that is what makes it work.

Being “in love” is great, but I think a lot of people who marry hastily go with that, and not with a careful discernment of their partner’s values.
 
Magickman said:
Guy wrote:

"I told D not to marry me just for lust, but what can I say. She wouldn’t listen."

You have identified what may be the central difficulty inherent to marriage: The challenge of getting women to listen.
Click to expand...
You have identified perhaps the central difficulty inherent to marriage…men thinking they are always right.😃
 
BamaRider said:
I told D not to marry me just for lust, but what can I say. She wouldn’t listen. :rolleyes:
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Congratulations, BamaRider…this is a threadwinner. 😃
What are the unfortunate consequences of waiting too long?
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Are you writing of sexual temptation?
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I’m not OutInChgoBurbs, but I’m guessing that’s what she means. And for the record, I agree with her. Now I’m not saying a couple should rush into marriage after 2 weeks because they’re overcome with desire! But a good priest explained it to me this way. If a couple has been together for a long time, they naturally desire that marital intimacy, to “move on to the next stage” of the relationship, so to speak. With an overly long engagement, that desire for intimacy can’t be fulfilled, so you’re opening yourself up to lots of temptations to sin. I know that certainly was the case for me and DH. That priest even told me that the Church used to discourage excessively long engagements for that very reason. Now I’ve not verified this, but it makes sense.
 
My DH and I were engaged 8 months after meeting and married 6 months after that. I don’t know if that is what you would consider a premature marriage or not. We’ve had our share of difficulties with our first 2 years of marriage and I think a large part of that is learning how to live with each other and be a good spouse. However, I don’t think waiting any longer to get married would have eased any of the difficulties we have experienced. My grandmother always said, “You don’t really know a man until you’ve lived with him for 3 years. And even after 3 years you still won’t know what he’s thinking most of the time.” In my experience so far, I agree with her. I wouldn’t use that to advocate for living together before marriage, but instead to make the point that all the dating, courting, or discernment in the world can’t take the place of what you learn in the first few years of marriage and living together.
 
A lot of good ideas here!

Guy, you… you… I’m telling Debbie! 😃

I’ve known some successful marriages that were “rushed into.”

I think there are two essential ingredients:
  1. Knowing each other long enough to learn each other’s habits, so one can choose to live with them or not, and
  2. Understanding what a good marriage involves.
Now, #1 doesn’t necessarily take a lot of time. But, unless both people grew up within the good marriage of their parents, #2 can be a problem.

DH and I both come from broken homes. My father departed when I was still in diapers, and DH’s Mom has had 3 failed marriages. What did either of us know about how a good marriage works? I had no experience to learn from, and DH knew some things *not *to do.

But we were each blessed to be able to observe, as adults, a loving marriage for long enough to “take notes.” That’s what we’ve put to work in ours, and so far (12 years)… :love::extrahappy:❤️❤️❤️

God bless,

Ruthie
 
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