Prepare for Marriage Prep

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catholicpov

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Hey everyone! I recently got engaged to my beautiful fiancee, and I am just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to prepare for marriage prep.

The one we are attending will be about 6 months long, and I know that there are going to be a lot of tough discussions to have with one another, and I don’t want to be blindsided.

Any tips? Insider secrets? Cheat sheets?

Thanks in advance!
 
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No cheating! 😂

There is really nothing to prepare for. The Marriage prep is the preparation. Just attend mass together.

Congratulations and best wishes to you! 🎉
 
catholicpov said:
I know that there are going to be a lot of tough discussions to have with one another,
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You know this how?

My marriage prep with my husband was one weekend and we didn’t have one single “tough discussion” because we’d already been going out for 10 years and knew each other well. We mostly just got a chuckle out of stuff like our answers pretty much matching and the priest who was serving as spiritual counselor wearing some funny golf themed socks.

Another couple had a huge argument and broke up at the end of Night 1 with the guy packing his bags and leaving in a huff and the girl turning up in tears at breakfast with no fiance.

If you and your gf are in the habit of having “Tough Discussions” then you’re used to them and can just keep on discussing. If you haven’t been having “Tough Discussions” before then there’s no reason to expect them to just suddenly pop up because you’re doing marriage prep.
 
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“there’s no reason to expect them to just suddenly pop up” Uh, yes there is. Assessments like FOCCUS will seek to identify areas regarding marriage and family life that the couple may not have discussed. It is designed, IIRC, to bring unconsidered and possibly uncomfortable subjects to the fore.
 
Again, we did something similar in my marriage prep with value questionnaires and the like.

Honestly it’s hard for me to imagine a couple being engaged without already having discussed everything on those lists. Then again I was 30 years old when I got engaged. Some of the other couples were more like 18 and had probably not known each other for more than a couple years if that.

If somebody is worried that some thorny area will come up at marriage prep, then start talking about it now. It’s not hard to do. Just go hang out with your spouse-to-be and talk. If you’re having difficulty just discussing stuff with each other then that’s a problem that goes way beyond marriage prep.
 
I never did marriage prep (I’m a rebel it seems) but from couples I know who have, I don’t think there will be any “tough discussions” assuming you guys have been talking about stuff over the course of dating.
 
No prep, no cheat sheets😂. I don’t know what kind of prep is in store; be open and completely honest in your answers and discussions. No one is going to forbid you from marrying, but want to make sure you grasp the reality.

If you want a little more challenge, perhaps search out an “engaged encounter” weekend. It will guide you through a lot of situations and discussions.

BTW, our marriage prep revealed we weren’t really a good combination. Thirty seven years and 10 years involved in Worldwide Marriage Encounter showed it is an inexact process.

Enjoy each other!
 
Good point, but I feel like there is always something that could cause conflict.

Now, that’s not a bad thing, conflict is normal and healthy. Say budgets, bank account management, desired number of children, etc. These are all things that could cause problems, and if the conversations can start now rather than being thrown on us during a marriage prep night with that added pressure, that would be far better in my own opinion.

Maybe I’m overthinking it and am worrying too much, but just putting my thoughts out there.
 
Discussions, not decisions. I’ve just heard stories of having arguments over finances and just heavy topics like that. I am ok with these conversations, just want to know what to expect.
 
It’s not an exam. You won’t have to stand up publicly and answer questions or anything.

So whatever is important to you, discuss. Otherwise, stop worrying. You are stressing over potential issues that may not ever be a problem.
 
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If you’re getting married, you should be having little chats about these things all the time. It doesn’t have to take up your whole dinner, but it’s kind of normal to talk about things like who does the budgeting and how many kids you’re thinking of having.

That way, when you discuss the same issue at marriage prep, it won’t be a big surprise. You’ll already have talked about it.

I agree that it’s nothing to stress about though.
 
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I think it’s wise to discuss the practical aspects of marriage well before getting married. My husband and I dated 6 years (as teenagers!) before we got married, and we had pretty much covered everything in our talks. We had fun with these talks, and we worked out a lot of plans, goals, hopes, fears, dreams, ambitions, etc.

I think one of the most important issues to hash out in detail before getting married is…
…MONEY! It’s an important issue in a marriage, and often a cause for fights and tears and in some cases, divorce.

Talk about money well in advance and make some decisions (as Bob Ross would say!).

E.g., do either one of you keep a paper or computer record of every little expenditure, while the other just spends their money until it’s gone? You should both know this, and make a decision about whether this will continue, or whether the money will be jointly spent, or whether you both prefer to keep your own earnings and split the expenses of the household in a way that makes sense to both of you (e.g., if you’re making car payments, perhaps you will continue making those payments and not expect him to take over the payments).

Do you have a budget and how detailed is it? (Just a word about this–a super hyper ridiculously detailed budget can be a major stumbling block in a marriage–we’ve known people who even write down the pennies that the pick up off the pavement at the gas station! )

How about a “rule” for purchases; e.g., you’re each free to buy things, but anything over $50 has to be discussed first (the $50 figure is just an example–it could be more or less depending on how much money you both earn).

And how about the most basic question–do you each know how you each earn? This could be bad if you think he’s earning $50,000 a year, and he’s only earning $5000 a year! And it could get worse if you are planning to stop working at a job to stay home and keep house, while he is counting on your income to BUY that house! You need to know this–it should not be a secret between you.

So sit down and talk all these things over and be honest and up front and REAL–e.g., if one of you has trouble controlling impulse spending, or if one of you collects Precious Moments Figurines and has a thousand of them stashed in boxes and lots more boxes waiting for more PM Figurines–make sure you are honest and open and flexible about money/finances. MANY marriages flounder and fail because of money issues.

If you can, get together with a financial advisor and ask him/her to guide you in a discussion about money and marriage. There are booklets and online guides to having this discussion, and a good financial advisor (hopefully a Christian one) will be able to get you started.
 
First off. I forgot to say congrats! So congrats! Second marriage prep should be taken seriously. We took it seriously. None of the other couples did. We were the only catholic couple out of 8 couples. Our parish had a fun way of doing it where each meeting was held at a parishioners house where a couple gave a talk on a subject. It was fun. It sparked good conversations but mostly it just gave us something fun to do to prepare for our wedding! There is only one other couple from our marriage prep still married.
BUT it’s something you need to participate in fully. It will help. Good luck!
 
I’m confused - how come you were doing Catholic marriage prep with a bunch of non-Catholic couples? I would think that would make it difficult to cover some of the material from a Catholic perspective.
 
See I completely disagree. Our finance session was the most worthless one. We were young. The extremely wealthy teaching couple were talking about retirement, school, vacation homes. We have seven kids and I stay home. Money, is one of the farthest Catholic parts of our marriage. We both let the prep shaking our heads. There was zero Catholicism and 100 percent money is king focus.
 
In all the other couples only one person was Catholic. Sorry I meant Catholic couples as both people being Catholic. I see how that was confusing.
 
I think perhaps it’s because money is like one of the number one causes of divorce (source: my bad memory). But it has been taken to the extreme and we are forgetting the more important things of marriage.
 
redcatholic said:
See I completely disagree. Our finance session was the most worthless one. We were young. The extremely wealthy teaching couple were talking about retirement, school, vacation homes. We have seven kids and I stay home. Money, is one of the farthest Catholic parts of our marriage. We both let the prep shaking our heads. There was zero Catholicism and 100 percent money is king focus.
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I said nothing about “finance sessions” with wealthy couples–I agree with you that many financial advisors do NOT understand “real life”, although I do think a financial advisor can provide an engaged couple with literature and information about financial wisdom in marriage.

My husband and I were definitely not wise by worldly standards about our finances–but that’s OK. The point is, we agreed about what we were doing with our money.

Once our daughters were in school, I went back to work in order to pay for TWO things–a private school (after five years of attempting the abysmal public schools in our city), and figure skating. Almost ALL of my paycheck went to pay for these bills. And even with me working, we were still about $20,000 in debt by the time our daughters graduated from high school–both girls were members of an elite synchronized skating team, and did several overseas (Europe) competitions. We did not attend, and there was no “internet” at the time, so the only way we could view those competitions was with video that other parents brought back.

I know–it sounds insane, but we have NO REGRETS about that debt, and we paid it back within a year after the girls went to college. We LOVED their private school (I still volunteer there), and we LOVED the figure skating (and we are still members of our local figure skating club).

And then there were the college debts. We paid for some of their college, and they paid for some of it, and both girls attended expensive private Christian (one Catholic, one Protestant) colleges that offered the best programs for their career interests.

And NO REGRETS! I am within a few months of finishing paying off those debts, and we are within a few years of paying off our mortgage–just in time for retirement.

The point is–we TALKED together about all of these expenditures, and we AGREED that we wanted to spend our money this way rather than living a frugal and financially-wise life–we LOVED the synchronized skating years, and BOTH girls, in their mid-30s now, are STILL involved with this sport that one Olympic Committee member has called “the most beautiful ice sport”.

What I’m advising for young couples is scrupulous HONESTY about their finances. No covering up. No pretending that everything is fine. No hidden resentments about who works harder, who spends money foolishly, who is too stingy, who needs to get a second job, who needs to help out more around the house, who needs to stop addictive shopping or gambling or borrowing from parents–**it all needs to be out in the open and talked about BEFORE marriage and constantly DURING marriage.
 
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