Preparing for the honeymoon

[lifeisbeautiful]

ETA: Pumpkin, I didn’t realize you were married already. I must be losing track of time or something…congrats!!

Me neither!!! Congratulations!!!

 

[FrenchGwen]

On a completely different note, I had and so far have not experienced any bleeding, nor any significant pain. It was uncomfortable the first time we tried, but we quickly figured out how to fix it, any everything was hunky dory. >.> So maybe you’ll be lucky, like me. And before anyone mentions it, I don’t believe my hymen was ripped during any other point in my life, at least not that I can remember. I know some sporty women have that happen, but I am definitely not sporty. >.>

I sooooo could have written this (especially the “i’m not sporty” part )
In this respect it looks like every woman is different.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Just chiming in to second this 100%. One of my major anxieties before the wedding was worrying about pain. Pain wasn’t an issue…so brides-to-be, don’t freak out about pain!

ETA: Pumpkin, I didn’t realize you were married already. I must be losing track of time or something…congrats!!

Me neither!!! Congratulations!!!

Thanks! And that’s cool that other people also didn’t have pain. I have heard that a lot of the history behind women being in pain when loosing their virginity resulted from a time when men didn’t care to warm their ladies up before just going for it, hence the pain, because the woman wasn’t relaxed at ALL. But I don’t know. Actually, nevermind, I just remembered reading about some other people on this board who had to get a numbing cream for the woman before they were able to be successful because it hurt her so much… Moral of this story(post) is: every woman is different.

 

[Kit15]

I was one of the “some find it painful” women.

I was cool as a cucumber, warmed up, blissfully buzzed from wedding champagne, and it STILL hurt so freaking much we couldn’t complete the act. So we just chatted and spooned the night away (the fact we could even sleep in the same bed was a huge deal for us too!). Oddly enough I didn’t bleed at ALL.

We properly consummated eventually and THEN…came the UTI.

Oh well…it got better. I still wouldn’t have traded my honeymoon for anything.

 

[puzzleannie]

rule #1 communicate
rule #2 communicate
rule # 3 communicate

do you want to learn about pleasure and marital intimacy from a book, an “expert” or a video, or do you want to learn from your own husband about his needs, desires, and his love for you? Do you want him learn about your needs, desires, and love for him from an “outside resources” or from you? This is not the time to intrude a 3rd party, that is the path away from intimacy, not toward it.

 

[FrenchGwen]

We properly consummated eventually and THEN…came the UTI.

oooh yes, I had forgotten THAT one.
Sadly it didn’t forget ME.

rule #1 communicate
rule #2 communicate
rule # 3 communicate

do you want to learn about pleasure and marital intimacy from a book, an “expert” or a video, or do you want to learn from your own husband about his needs, desires, and his love for you? Do you want him learn about your needs, desires, and love for him from an “outside resources” or from you? This is not the time to intrude a 3rd party, that is the path away from intimacy, not toward it.

Well, I have to say, *at first *I was a bit shocked at these posts, because I remember how difficult my first marriage months were, and how a part of me can’t help thinking : had he / I / we known better, it would have been easier on us.
YET I do agree that communicating and learning, even slowly, about each other’s needs and desires IS a real path of love, which takes both spouses so much closer to each other than it would be if we “just knew”.

So this made me realise : don’t such questions, which are normal for soon-to-be newlyweds, stem from the anxiety to do wrong, to make mistakes ? Don’t we somehow all marry hoping for a perfect path, and dreaming of an uninterrupted succession of beautiful moments of communion ? Don’t we have this conception of our marriage as something perfect which we want to be careful NOT to alter ?
Well, I think the married ladies here will agree with me : even if it’s tough to accept, marriage is made from trial and error : at the beginnings, you often fail, in all areas (failure to help out with dishwashing, failure to greet with a smile after an exhausting day, failure to listen to one’s needs and fears, failure to take the time to hug in the middle of something captivating,…). You learn from that. Marriage hurts, but… after some time, you see how your efforts were fruitful : your marriage is not a given thing: you start with a tiny tiny little plant, which needs growing

So indeed, dear brides and grooms, that’s the point: don’t be afraid, your first steps in the conjugal life won’t be perfect, but the great thing is: if you work at it, you will see how you get better everyday ! And yes, rereading the posts that were written here, I did notice that: the advice given is mainly directed towards one aim : giving the tools for working at it together (communicating,…)

I also remembered a last thing: your progresses in the sexual areas will depend on the progresses you will make in the other areas. I can remember how frustrated I was that our efforts seemed fruitless at first, until I realized that I had had a tendency to focus on this field of conjugal life… and that maybe there were other fields that needed working at BEFORE.

 

[puzzleannie]

So this made me realise : don’t such questions, which are normal for soon-to-be newlyweds, stem from the anxiety to do wrong, to make mistakes ? Don’t we somehow all marry hoping for a perfect path, and dreaming of an uninterrupted succession of beautiful moments of communion ? Don’t we have this conception of our marriage as something perfect which we want to be careful NOT to alter ? .

eggzakly, holed it in one
we all have to learn, in the bedroom, in the kitchen, when the first baby comes and most of all, when the honeymoon is over and the real work begins. Don’t rush it, you don’t have to know everything going in. Practice makes perfect.

God does not call us to be perfect wives and mothers, he calls us to be faithful-to Him, to our husband, and to our duties and responsibilities. If you regard the bedroom as another duty, where you have a checklist to follow and a rule book, it will become a chore, just like going to work. If you regard it as an adventure you take with your beloved, growing closer and closer, with lots of fun, lots of mistakes, a bit of anxiety, some risk, and immense rewards, that will be your experience.

 

[manualman]

Brides to be, the above mentioned Astroglide (generously applied) and a patient and gentle husband will go a LONG way towards reducing or eliminating the pain!

As for the hymen, ask your OB/GYN. Perhaps that trouble can be avoided…

 

[shannyk]

You know at the risk of coming off like a prude (again) or something, I have to wonder if talking about these things too much causes more anxiety than it relieves.

The thing is, the biggest baddest and most important sexual organ is your BRAIN, and if your brain is convinced that it’s going to hurt, or it’s going to be awful or you’re not going to be perfect, than it might just be a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Very true to the above… but by the same token, if you aren’t aware of the possibility of pain and blood, it might be more upsetting than it should be. If that is your experience, you can rest assured you are unlucky, but normal.

 

[sheilathebard]

I sure wish there were such a book out there! Everything I ever read and everyone I talked to said “ask your mom or a married friend.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t manage to break the conversation topic to my mom, and I have no close married friends, so I went into married life with much less information than I could have used.

That having been said, I have a few pieces of advice (which luckily aren’t too explicit )

• Have a glass of wine at the reception. Two, if you’re used to drinking wine. You want to be just feeling the effects of it, without being drunk. (This is advice for the bride, not the groom!) It will relax you.
• Make sure you take your time … which means you are probably going to have to tell your husband-to-be this. Men think they are taking forever when they might not be going slow enough! Don’t even think about actually “going the whole way” until you’ve done a lot of kissing and cuddling and you are feeling really turned on – not just “going along with it.”
• If it doesn’t work the first time you try, just set it aside as something to try later, kiss and snuggle some more, and go to bed. Really. Don’t push it if it’s not working. If you suddenly clam up or it hurts or you burst into tears for no reason, just let it go. There will be time later. I promise.
• In a similar vein, don’t freak out if it takes you even longer than that. The movies are wrong – most couples don’t fall into bed and have fireworks go off. You might want to take a couple days to relax into your honeymoon before you go the whole way. If you’re really nervous, why not take a week or two? And just because you say now that you won’t want to wait doesn’t mean that you will feel the same once you’re married. Getting married is tense and stressful – you might just need to let things settle down.
• If you have a lot of pain, you may be doing it wrong. Talk to each other and see what you could do differently that would help – maybe a different position or some lubricant. (This stuff does work wonders, even if you don’t feel like you have a problem with that.) If you’re having real trouble after two or three weeks, you should probably see a doctor – there is a condition that causes this, which is quite curable.
• But, chances are, with communication, a warm bath, a glass of wine, and plenty of snuggles, it’ll go just fine. Also keep in mind that the first time is not by any means as good as it’s going to get – so don’t put any huge expectations on yourselves. It is sure to be nice, and meaningful, and unitive, but it won’t be mindblowing, and the next few times are going to be tons better.

Hope that helps! I’m hardly an expert – only been married four months – but let me just say, I wish I’d had a little more consoling advice and less to scare me! The most comforting thing said to me was by my then-fiance: “Why are you scared? You act like I’m not going to be there with you.” Remember that – he’s the same guy you know, so between the two of you, it won’t be scary or intimidating. It’ll just be something you two figure out together.

 

[St_Rose_of_Lima]

I’m just a newbie here and I’m also engaged and very nervous about the wedding night!

I have, however, talked to my Mum (Aussie spelling) about it all.
Some people have mentioned UTI (which I’m assuming stands for urinary tract infection) and my mother recommended using potassium permanganate (or permanganate of potash or Condy’s crystals) dissolved in water to clean oneself with after the act for the first month or so to prevent the infection…

Also, I’m having a bit of conflicting feelings about sex … Intellectually I know it’s a beautiful gift of oneself to one’s spouse and all the theology behind it, but I have this gut feeling which is not at all reasonable, that sex is, well… yucky… I’m wondering if this is normal for girls who haven’t had sex before their wedding night.

 

[MyriamMS]

There is one thing I wish someone had told me - or even nagged me with : CRANBERRIES to avoid a UTI.

Even if you’re not prone to UTI, even if you have never had one, it really cannot hurt to start taking cranberry pills 2 weeks before the wedding, and keep on taking them up to the 6 months anniversary.

Hymen/first time related pain wasn’t a big problem in my case, but I woke up on the 4th day after the wedding crying my eyes out due to a raging UTI; I really thought I would go mad with pain… It messed up our honeymoon; I was in a foreign country, didn’t know how to talk to about it. Anyway, the only thing I could do was to start taking massive doses of cranberry concentrate, and it turned out to be tremendously helpful, which is why I still taking them preventively (in more reasonable amounts).

If there was only one thing I could tell my sisters about the ‘first time’ when they get married, it would be this : cranberry pills are a must.

 

[sharmin]

I’m getting married in December. My fiance and I are excited about the honeymoon, but seeing as we’re inexperienced, we’re nervous about it all. I was wondering if anyone knows of any good resources that would help us prepare for the honeymoon? Something along the lines of a “how-to” guide would be very helpful, but I want to make sure it’s in line with church teachings. Thanks!

Google the area you plan to stay in. Find their tourism site and then look for activities that will be around during your stay. Then, go off the beat and path a little and explore on your own.

Make sure to treasure your time together. Life gets hectic, and this will be one of the last times you will have for a long time to really enjoy each other completely and be in your “own little world”.

Most of all, have a great time!

 

[sharmin]

Oye! I posted after I read what the thread was really about. Have no advice to give you but just relax and have fun!!

 

[ac_claire]

You know at the risk of coming off like a prude (again) or something, I have to wonder if talking about these things too much causes more anxiety than it relieves.

Honestly, I think it does. At least it did with me. I was a little nervous before posting in this thread; after posting in it and reading the replies and having time to really think about it I was waaay more anxious about it. Then my honeymoon happened this month and it was wonderful, I really didn’t have much of anything to worry about.

 

[moon1234]

I honestly think you should talk about it ahead of time. Sex between two married people is nothing to be embarassed or worried about. I can tell you as a man that I was more worried about it than she was. We did NOT talk about it ahead of time and this made it a little more embarassing.

You both know HOW to have sex I assume. Talk about it ahead of time. This will really break the ice and remove some of the tension before the first time.

My wife told me, many months later, that sex somewhat hurt for her the first few times. I did not know this at the time. Had I known this ahead of time, or at least after the first time, I would have gone slower. If neither of you have had sex before, then talking about what you are going to do will help. This will be more difficult for HIM than it will be for you.

I assume you are a woman so I will present a few things that Men may not tell you. The first time I had sex with my wife it was over in about 15 seconds. My wife later told me she did not expect it to be that quick. Men can be very self conscious about this. Try to avoid saying things like “Is that it?” or “Are you done already?”. They may be honest questions, but they really make a man feel like he let you down.

A new husband will also not realize that his wife will generally need more stimulation in order to have an orgasm. You need to TELL your new husband this if you can not achieve an orgasm before he does. My wife did not tell me this for years. I always suspected she was not having many orgasms, but she would always say things were fine. She was embarassed to tell me. Once she did and told me what I needed to do or what felt good and what did not, she was much more satisfied. MOST newly married men do not realize that the most sensitive part on a woman is her clitoris. This is on the OUTSIDE of her genital area. Until we realize this (meaning we are told) we assume you feel the same amount of pleasure by vaginal penetration as we do.

You are allowed to stimulate yourself while having sexual relations if this is needed for you to achieve orgasm. Both partners are to satisfy each other fully. Otherwise we only take advantage of each other. This has been said by many clerics.

When you are first married, you will need to spend time learning about each others bodies, what feels right and what does not. You also need to convery this information your spuse. If something feels good you need say so, likewise if it hurts.

Try taking a shower together or just looking at each other naked. (After your married of course.) It can remove a lot of the stress of being naked in front of another person.

How do each of you sleep? You will be sleeping in the same bed i assume. Do you toss and turn? Do you like a lot of covers or no covers? Do you like your covers tucked in or not? Simple things, but they can really ruin your sleep if you don’t talk about them.

In any event, you should know some things that are NOT allowed. 1. Anal sex is forbidden. Many are squeemish and will not tell you about this. His penis does not belong there ever for any reason. Oral sex and hand stimulation is also forbidden if you allow him to ejaculate outside of your vagina. Kind of gross, but you need to know these things. Oral sex and hand stimulation is allowed as foreplay. It is discouraged because many men have problems controlling themselves. Oral sex and hand stimulation is allowed for women (performed by the man) as long as it is part of sexual relations that end with the man ejaculating inside of the woman. Any sexual act is to be open to life and it can not be unless the man ejaculates inside of the womans vagina.

I also suggest that each of you visit your personal physician before hand to make sure neither of you has any communicable diseases. Men can carry bacteria and yeast with no symptoms that can give you a yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis. It is a simple swab of the head of the penis and a urine test, but it is a lot easier than you suffering with treating an infection for a week or two.

After you have intercourse, if he ejaculates inside of you, there will be some of the semen that will come back out of your vagina anywhere from minutes to hours later. Do not be afraid of this as it is normal. My wife usually says it feels like something running out. Again gross, but something you need to know about.

Semen is normally white to a light yellow in color. This depends on age and diet. Young men usually have very white semen. In the late twenties, thirties it can change to a yellowish color. If you notice that his semen is another color or is blood tinged, please tell him as it can be a sign of infection, disease, or reproductive problems. If he is following Catholic teaching about no masturbation, he will never see his semen so it is up to you to notice these things.

The main thing is to take it SLOW. A new husband will be so anxious that he will want to skip all foreplay. This will result in the sexual act being over quickly.

Hopefully I did not groos you out with any of this information.

 

[moon1234]

I’m just a newbie here and I’m also engaged and very nervous about the wedding night!

I have, however, talked to my Mum (Aussie spelling) about it all.
Some people have mentioned UTI (which I’m assuming stands for urinary tract infection) and my mother recommended using potassium permanganate (or permanganate of potash or Condy’s crystals) dissolved in water to clean oneself with after the act for the first month or so to prevent the infection…

Also, I’m having a bit of conflicting feelings about sex … Intellectually I know it’s a beautiful gift of oneself to one’s spouse and all the theology behind it, but I have this gut feeling which is not at all reasonable, that sex is, well… yucky… I’m wondering if this is normal for girls who haven’t had sex before their wedding night.

From a physical standpoint it is “messy”. You will produce lubrication which can have an odor based on your time of the month. The ordor is stongest when you are near your period. There is virtually no odor when you are near your most fertile time. He will ejaculate semen into you, which is another slippery liquid. This can get a little messy, but you will not be thinking of these things when having sex. Sex is very pleasurable as long as you are relaxed and love the one you are doing it with.

I do suggest having a towel somewhere nearby afterwards though if you are totally grossed out with the physical aspects of it. God made use this way so I try not to worry about too much.

 

[NoxSineStellae]

I do suggest having a towel somewhere nearby afterwards though if you are totally grossed out with the physical aspects of it.

I recommend having a towel under you (or him), and it has nothing to do with being “grossed out” - much easier to toss a hand towel into the wash than to have wet, sticky sheets Sometimes it’s messier than others, so it’s good to be prepared and you save on washing the sheets or laying in a wet spot.

My only advice - going along with the cranberry pills - is ladies, urinate afterwards as soon as you can. It really does help.

Communication and honesty is THE most important thing. Anything can be worked through if you have that and mutual respect (ie, you tell your spouse you don’t like something and they remember and respect that - not ignore you, or keep doing it, or getting their feelings hurt when you’re phrasing it nicely and in love). If you’re mature enough to HAVE sex, you’re mature enough to TALK about it.

sheilathebard, I love what your husband said about him being there with you.

 

[moon1234]

I
My only advice - going along with the cranberry pills - is ladies, urinate afterwards as soon as you can. It really does help.

My wife does this every time. She hasn’t had an infection in many many years. We have been married 10.5 years and she was told this by her OB many years ago.

Ohh one more comment. My wife told me about a year ago that she always feels like she is going to pee right before she has an orgasm and so has held back on many occasions. I did some checking on the medical websites and discovered that this is physically impossible for 99% of women. I told her not to hold back. She was VERY reluctant telling me that I would be ashamed if she actually did do this. I told her I lloved her and nothing she did would make me ashamed.

Needless to say she enjoys sex a lot more now. It is amazing how many things we hold back thinking they will totally destroy our significant other.