Preparing for the inevitable

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Sugabee43

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Unfortunately, it looks like my husband has pretty much decided he’s going to leave me, eventually. His words were “not if, but when”. We have been through a multitude of retreats, counseling, healing prayer, etc., but because he refuses to give up his pornography addiction, it has put an irretrievable strain on our 23 year marriage. To be honest, if I had known when we were dating that he had this addiction, I would have never married him. He thinks there’s a good case for annulment because of it.

In any case, I need to shore up my defenses for when this occurs (I’m guessing in about 2 years, when the mortgage is paid off).

Can anyone help me with what I need to do? How to prepare legally? We have 3 kids - 20, 18, and 16; so the youngest will probably be just graduating high school. What scares me the most is the financial part. My salary isn’t enough to live on unless I go “bare bones”. I have no car payments or anything like that.

If anyone can provide insight as to what to even TELL people… I CERTAINLY don’t want to get detailed, but also I want to express that this was not my decision.

Thank you, and I covet your prayers. 😦
 
Sugabee43 said:
Unfortunately, it looks like my husband has pretty much decided he’s going to leave me, eventually. His words were “not if, but when”. We have been through a multitude of retreats, counseling, healing prayer, etc., but because he refuses to give up his pornography addiction, it has put an irretrievable strain on our 23 year marriage. To be honest, if I had known when we were dating that he had this addiction, I would have never married him. He thinks there’s a good case for annulment because of it.

In any case, I need to shore up my defenses for when this occurs (I’m guessing in about 2 years, when the mortgage is paid off).

Can anyone help me with what I need to do? How to prepare legally? We have 3 kids - 20, 18, and 16; so the youngest will probably be just graduating high school. What scares me the most is the financial part. My salary isn’t enough to live on unless I go “bare bones”. I have no car payments or anything like that.

If anyone can provide insight as to what to even TELL people… I CERTAINLY don’t want to get detailed, but also I want to express that this was not my decision.

Thank you, and I covet your prayers. 😦
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I would do Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University if I were you, or at least listen to his radio show when you can.

It will probably be necessary to sell the house.

Best wishes! I’m sorry this is happening to you!
 
Thanks, Xantiappe. I actually do catch pieces of his radio show. I feel like I do have a good handle on my expenses, just not the saving part. We have a few small mutual funds, and because I work in a school district, I am in their retirement fund at least.
 
Sugabee43 said:
Thanks, Xantiappe. I actually do catch pieces of his radio show. I feel like I do have a good handle on my expenses, just not the saving part. We have a few small mutual funds, and because I work in a school district, I am in their retirement fund at least.
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That’s very good about the school retirement.
 
  1. I’m really, really sorry. 😦
  2. Yay for the retirement fund!
  3. Re expenses: is there any way that you can pare them down a bit more, and stash some cash aside for future expenses? You may have some startup expenses as a single woman that could hit you hard. For example–and please, please consult with a lawyer about the laws in your state about this and your particular situation–do you actually own a car, or is it in his name, too? What about the house? You can expect at the least to probably need a security deposit for an apartment, possibly a 2-3 BR if you’ll have college kids coming back for the summer. Movers do cost money. Ditto any new appliances (washer, dryer) you might need.
If you generally eat lunch out…any possibility of replacing that lunch out with leftovers, say, 3x/week, and setting aside what you’d ordinarily spend? These things can add up. Similarly, if you’re generally financially-disciplined but don’t have a credit card or two, I suggest you open as low-interest a card with a decent credit limit that you can find. Pay that thing off every month, but have it as an option in case of emergency. We have one credit card with a crazy high limit and a fairly low interest rate that we have just a few bills auto-paid from every month to keep active. It’s paid off in full each cycle, but it means we have a 10K line of credit already available in case some sort of disaster strikes. Divorce does nasty things to your credit rating; it will be a lot easier to get a good deal on a credit card now than in a few years, if the divorce goes through. I would not advise putting your husband on this credit card; the last thing you want is to find yourself thousands of dollars in debt for his porn habit. (Ew.)

(Before a certain type of comment comes in, let me emphasize that I am not suggesting the OP run up a balance on this card. She could just use it for gas or a similar, regular expense that she’s paying for anyhow. The idea is to have a line of credit available if necessary, not to leave her potentially ex-husband with a pile of bills.)

Have your financial ducks in a row by having copies of the last few years’ worth of tax returns, W2s, mortgage documents, marriage certificates, family birth certificates, etc set aside somewhere. This is a good idea anyhow, regardless of how your marriage is; in the case of a fire or similar disaster, it’s that much less of a worry. Having them scanned into a flash drive and left at a friend’s house/safe deposit box/whatever (ie, not at the house) makes it easy to access. Take those copies/flash drive (if a flash drive, use two in case of one getting damaged) to a divorce attorney and see what they suggest and what sort of laws apply to your situation. You mention a retirement plan. You don’t want to find out a couple of years from retirement that while you’ve been planning on having exclusive access to that plan, your now-ex-husband is actually entitled to 50% of it and now you have to work 'til you’re 95. 😛

I hope very much that he changes his mind, repents, and seeks treatment, but if he doesn’t, then I hope the above is helpful. God bless and keep you!
 
Maybe: “Unfortunately my ex-husband has a longtime addiction disabled his ability/intention to keep his marriage vows.”

It would be unusual for anyone to press further with “What addiction was it?”
 
UbiCaritas said:
  1. I’m really, really sorry. 😦
  2. Yay for the retirement fund!
  3. Re expenses: is there any way that you can pare them down a bit more, and stash some cash aside for future expenses? You may have some startup expenses as a single woman that could hit you hard. For example–and please, please consult with a lawyer about the laws in your state about this and your particular situation–do you actually own a car, or is it in his name, too? What about the house? You can expect at the least to probably need a security deposit for an apartment, possibly a 2-3 BR if you’ll have college kids coming back for the summer. Movers do cost money. Ditto any new appliances (washer, dryer) you might need.I am in the process of stashing cash, actually. 🙂 I do actually own THREE clear and free titles, on my own- my current car which we paid for by cashing a small mutual fund; my old car which son #1 drives around for work; and a car son #3 bough with his own money but it’s in my name for insurance purposes. The house is in both our names, and we have about 23 more payments before it’s free and clear. I expect that he’ll want to fix it up and sell it, and split the proceeds. I am thankful that he’s not vindictive in that manner.
If you generally eat lunch out…any possibility of replacing that lunch out with leftovers, say, 3x/week, and setting aside what you’d ordinarily spend? These things can add up. Similarly, if you’re generally financially-disciplined but don’t have a credit card or two, I suggest you open as low-interest a card with a decent credit limit that you can find. Pay that thing off every month, but have it as an option in case of emergency. We have one credit card with a crazy high limit and a fairly low interest rate that we have just a few bills auto-paid from every month to keep active. It’s paid off in full each cycle, but it means we have a 10K line of credit already available in case some sort of disaster strikes. Divorce does nasty things to your credit rating; it will be a lot easier to get a good deal on a credit card now than in a few years, if the divorce goes through. I would not advise putting your husband on this credit card; the last thing you want is to find yourself thousands of dollars in debt for his porn habit. (Ew.) I actually never eat lunch out. I work at a school, so going out to eat is impossible, so I save money that way anyway. I will look into a credit card that’s in my name outright - that seems a really good idea for “emergencies”. We married late in life (we were 33), so I do have credit in my maiden name that’s excellent. We have excellent credit now, as well.

(Before a certain type of comment comes in, let me emphasize that I am not suggesting the OP run up a balance on this card. She could just use it for gas or a similar, regular expense that she’s paying for anyhow. The idea is to have a line of credit available if necessary, not to leave her potentially ex-husband with a pile of bills.)

Have your financial ducks in a row by having copies of the last few years’ worth of tax returns, W2s, mortgage documents, marriage certificates, family birth certificates, etc set aside somewhere. This is a good idea anyhow, regardless of how your marriage is; in the case of a fire or similar disaster, it’s that much less of a worry. Having them scanned into a flash drive and left at a friend’s house/safe deposit box/whatever (ie, not at the house) makes it easy to access. Take those copies/flash drive (if a flash drive, use two in case of one getting damaged) to a divorce attorney and see what they suggest and what sort of laws apply to your situation. You mention a retirement plan. You don’t want to find out a couple of years from retirement that while you’ve been planning on having exclusive access to that plan, your now-ex-husband is actually entitled to 50% of it and now you have to work 'til you’re 95. 😛 I may just rent a safe deposit box at our local bank. We have important papers that I worry about anyway.

I hope very much that he changes his mind, repents, and seeks treatment, but if he doesn’t, then I hope the above is helpful. God bless and keep you!
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Thank you. I really don’t think he’ll change his mind. He may CHICKEN OUT; which is quite possible, especially once he realizes the financial burden of divorce (I don’t think he realizes how expensive it is just to legally file; much less the expense of keeping a separate house while contributing to another one if the court determines that is necessary). You’ve given great advice, and I truly appreciate it.
 
Eliza10 said:
Maybe: “Unfortunately my ex-husband has a longtime addiction disabled his ability/intention to keep his marriage vows.”

It would be unusual for anyone to press further with “What addiction was it?”
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The answer can be found in the first post.
 
Eliza10 said:
Maybe: “Unfortunately my ex-husband has a longtime addiction disabled his ability/intention to keep his marriage vows.”

It would be unusual for anyone to press further with “What addiction was it?”
Click to expand...
I’m so sorry to hear you’re continuing to go through all of this, Sugabee. I think Eliza’s suggestion above as to what to tell others if it does come to pass is excellent, but I hope and pray that your husband will repent and find a way to change. Please know that you remain in my prayers, and may Our Blessed Mother and St. Monica also help intervene and give you strength.

(If there are any other wives reading this thread who are experiencing this issue in their marriages, it may help to join the support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” It deals specifically with the devastating effect that a husband’s porn use has on marriage and has helped me tremendously in my own marriage.)
 
Thanks, everyone. If anyone wants to offer further advice, please feel free. ❤️
 
I’m not married but logically speaking my first course of action would be to find and consult legal assistance, find out where and how much money there is. This is all to protect the kids. Just because he says he’s leaving eventually in 2 years or what doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind and leave you and the kids in the lurch. Try to save some money and stash it away for a rainy day. If you see the lawyer and find out your rights and what to do to protect yourself you have some security should he just up and leave. He can’t just take all the profits from the house or maybe you could compromise and come to a settlement to keep the house but settle for less money from him. Then you also have custody issues. I’d be afraid for the kids with the porn around but then I’m more conservative I would have kicked him to the curb the moment he said he wanted to leave and didn’t feel like working on things. That’s just me though. Prayers and best of luck.
 
Thank you for the post. Since our kids are older, that’s a blessing- I think it would be very traumatic for a younger child; especially a sensitive one. I guess ‘kicking him to the curb’ would have been easy in some ways, but very difficult in others. He makes about twice the salary I do, and living on my own will be a struggle. That’s probably why I haven’t, in addition to how it will affect the kids. Our relationship has never been a “yelly/screamy” one; we just coexist, like roommates, so that’s made it easier to stay together as well. At this point, he’s just SAYING he’s going to divorce me; I have no clue whether he actually will or not. I don’t think he’s taken into consideration the actual legal cost of a divorce, and he’s super frugal and HATES spending money when he doesn’t have to.

In any case, it’s so up in the air right now that I don’t even know if it’s appropriate to emotionally prepare our kids (especially the youngest) for the day when/if it does come that their father files for divorce. I don’t want to be the one to file. It’s not my choice to divorce; it’s his, and I want HIM to own that.
 
I would only hope you protect yourself legally. There’s nothing wrong in seeking legal council just to know your rights and have a plan just in case he would up and leave. I have too many friends who were left in the lurch and financially put out to dry because they didn’t have a plan in place or know what their rights were. I like to be prepared. Being prepared isn’t admitting something is going to happen it’s just having a plan in place in case it does. Prayers and best of luck.
 
Sugabee43 said:
Unfortunately, it looks like my husband has pretty much decided he’s going to leave me, eventually. His words were “not if, but when”. We have been through a multitude of retreats, counseling, healing prayer, etc., but because he refuses to give up his pornography addiction, it has put an irretrievable strain on our 23 year marriage. To be honest, if I had known when we were dating that he had this addiction, I would have never married him. He thinks there’s a good case for annulment because of it.

In any case, I need to shore up my defenses for when this occurs (I’m guessing in about 2 years, when the mortgage is paid off).

Can anyone help me with what I need to do? How to prepare legally? We have 3 kids - 20, 18, and 16; so the youngest will probably be just graduating high school. What scares me the most is the financial part. My salary isn’t enough to live on unless I go “bare bones”. I have no car payments or anything like that.

If anyone can provide insight as to what to even TELL people… I CERTAINLY don’t want to get detailed, but also I want to express that this was not my decision.

Thank you, and I covet your prayers. 😦
Click to expand...
I can’t help but think that the whole situation is a bit odd. He has told you already that he is planning to divorce you, but he is waiting. If it is inevitable because of your irreconcilable differences on his part, what is he waiting for? To pay off a mortgage? I don’t see any advantage to that. For last child to turn 18 so he doesn’t have to pay child support? If it were me, I would come right out and ask what he is waiting for because if it is inevitable as you say, I would resent being used and living like that for 2 years, or for whenever it is most convenient **for him. **

As others have mentioned, the time to look into a lawyer is now. He already has one foot out the door whether you want it or not. As far as your expenses, I am guessing that he will not walk away with everything, so you may not be as bad off as you now think.

However, you should speak with a lawyer to see what would apply in your state in two years. And also if it happened in 2 months. You can never be sure what strange things happen and he decides to up and leave before his original “time plan.”

I am in no way advocating divorce, just that you be ready, and know what’s will be required of you “when” he files.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I can’t help but think that the whole situation is a bit odd. He has told you already that he is planning to divorce you, but he is waiting. If it is inevitable because of your irreconcilable differences on his part, what is he waiting for? To pay off a mortgage? I don’t see any advantage to that. For last child to turn 18 so he doesn’t have to pay child support? If it were me, I would come right out and ask what he is waiting for because if it is inevitable as you say, I would resent being used and living like that for 2 years, or for whenever it is most convenient **for him. **

As others have mentioned, the time to look into a lawyer is now. He already has one foot out the door whether you want it or not. As far as your expenses, I am guessing that he will not walk away with everything, so you may not be as bad off as you now think.

However, you should speak with a lawyer to see what would apply in your state in two years. And also if it happened in 2 months. You can never be sure what strange things happen and he decides to up and leave before his original “time plan.”

I am in no way advocating divorce, just that you be ready, and know what’s will be required of you “when” he files.
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Yes, I think he’s waiting until the house is paid off, which will be approximately 2 years - and also our youngest will be a senior in HS; if not just graduated (depending on the timing). He’s also probably waiting to save enough money for legal fees, although I don’t know that for sure. This is also something his mother did during her tumultuous marriage to his late father. She threatened to leave him but never actually did it. I do think he means it; unlike her.
Yes, I agree that it’s rather selfish of him; of course, that’s pretty normal for him. He’s “quietly selfish” if you know what I mean.
Thanks for the advice; I do think I should at least talk to a lawyer and get my things together.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I can’t help but think that the whole situation is a bit odd. He has told you already that he is planning to divorce you, but he is waiting. If it is inevitable because of your irreconcilable differences on his part, what is he waiting for? To pay off a mortgage? I don’t see any advantage to that. For last child to turn 18 so he doesn’t have to pay child support? If it were me, I would come right out and ask what he is waiting for because if it is inevitable as you say, I would resent being used and living like that for 2 years, or for whenever it is most convenient **for him. **

As others have mentioned, the time to look into a lawyer is now. He already has one foot out the door whether you want it or not. As far as your expenses, I am guessing that he will not walk away with everything, so you may not be as bad off as you now think.

However, you should speak with a lawyer to see what would apply in your state in two years. And also if it happened in 2 months. You can never be sure what strange things happen and he decides to up and leave before his original “time plan.”

I am in no way advocating divorce, just that you be ready, and know what’s will be required of you “when” he files.
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That’s why I was trying to say. She needs to look into it if not for herself for her kids. She may not be there emotionally but she needs to take emotion out of it if she can and just look into things.
 
Luvz2travel said:
That’s why I was trying to say. She needs to look into it if not for herself for her kids. She may not be there emotionally but she needs to take emotion out of it if she can and just look into things.
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Exactly! Do it now when it is not emotional. Like insurance. 👍
 
Yes, I am definitely planning on talking to a lawyer. I think now he’s closer to actually filing sooner rather than later. I’m getting my ducks in a row. Never thought this would be happening but it is what it is. At this point, I don’t even care about an annulment. He’s the one who thinks he wants to get remarried. I think he’s in for a very rude awakening!!
 
As one of your ducks, you probably ought to revisit the terms of your will soon.

Also, do you think that a small term policy on you would be helpful for your grown/nearly grown children?

Good luck!
 
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