Preperation for inter-faith marriage

[richardsgirl]

Hello,

I am a Catholic thinking of getting engaged to a non-Catholic Christian. At the moment he is reading the book Catholicism for Dummies (which I actually find very informative myself!) as a basis for discussion. Hopefully from that we can come to an understanding about most of the big issues that would affect our marriage. We’ve already discussed NFP, and talked a little about raising children Catholic. I feel we have the same basic values although different beliefs about certain things. Does anyone have any tips for preparation we could do or generally how to make an inter-faith marriage work? I am not really interested in responses from people who are dead-set against marrying outside your faith. Thanks.

 

[I_A]

What kind of religious background does he come from?

 

[richardsgirl]

Basically Anglican, but his family weren’t really practising.

 

[_Jenn]

Basically Anglican, but his family weren’t really practising.

This is probably a key component. My dh is not Catholic, he was baptized Lutheran, but like your s/o, his family (and him as well) aren’t practicing.

Are you doing an Engaged Encounter weekend? We did, and other than one topic, found out nothing we didn’t already know. And the one topic that we did actually have some stuff to discuss, was very pleasant findings on both our parts.

I’m very blessed, in that my dh has no issues with raising our child (and any future kids) Catholic, and he evens comes to church with us. He has no desire to convert, which is ok - I didn’t marry him to change him. If he ever does chose to, I want it to solely be his doing w/ no influences from anyone else.

I don’t really know what to offer you on “how to make it work”. I’ve never felt that we’ve done anything special, or had to live our lives different from any couples we know where both people in that couple are Catholic. We’ve been a couple for 10 years, married for 7 1/2 of those 10. And life just gets better with each day.

Good luck!

 

[1ke]

I’d start with discussion around your vision for your family life and how religion is integral to that vision.

There is a big difference between “raising the kids Catholic” and **being **a Catholic family and **consciously engaging in **a Catholic family life.

What’s your vision?

A family that has an advent wreath and says prayers at mealtime during that season? A family that prays the stations of the cross during lent? A family that prays a nightly or weekly rosary? A family that reads the bible together? A family that has a Catholic identity? A family that observes days of fast, abstinence from meat, and penance together? A family that attends Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation together? A family that discusses religion and how to live the faith in the face of daily life? A family that practices the corporal and spiritual works of mercy through involvement in the parish and community?

Are you going to create a Catholic home together? If not, what IS your vision of your home and family?

That’s where I’d start. If you don’t share a vision-- whatever that is-- then you will struggle continually.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

I agree with 1ke.

The big issue for me would center on Mass. I would want to attend Mass with my husband and not have us go off in different directions on Sunday morning. And when children would come along I would want the entire family to go to Mass and not have the kids wondering why daddy goes to his own church (or no church at all).

You mention that you “talked a little about raising children Catholic.” You need to talk more than a little! What I have seen with other people is that when it’s just the couple they can paper over their religious differences. But when children are involved, those differences can become huge!

 

[1ke]

What I have seen with other people is that when it’s just the couple they can paper over their religious differences. But when children are involved, those differences can become huge!

Yes, this has been my experience with interfaith couples also.

When it’s just the two of them, they basically ignore religious differences and don’t discuss/argue. They just “do their own thing” or compromise to get along. They tip toe around it.

But, when the kids arrive the gloves come off.

 

[richardsgirl]

Yes, this has been my experience with interfaith couples also.

When it’s just the two of them, they basically ignore religious differences and don’t discuss/argue. They just “do their own thing” or compromise to get along. They tip toe around it.

But, when the kids arrive the gloves come off.

Thank you… but actually we have spoken about this quite a bit. I don’t anticipate that it will be too much of a problem.

We don’t currently ignore our religious differences, we’ve had a lot of talks about them. He is very good in that he respects my faith a lot, he comes to mass with me on sundays when he is around and has said he will continue with that. That was something that I said was important to me as it shows unity and means we can worship together at least to some extent.

I don’t honestly know what it takes to bring up a child Catholic though, I nevre had much of a religious upbringing so I’ve kind of learned about it under my own steam. Of course we will go to Mass, have the babies bapitised and say night-time prayers but other than that I’m just not sure what there is to it. I’m not very ‘up’ on my traditional Catholic devotions I must admit… I try to make time to pray the Rosary fairly frequently but I can’t really picture my future family doing that, and the stations of the cross etc together very much.

 

[1ke]

I don’t honestly know what it takes to bring up a child Catholic though, I nevre had much of a religious upbringing so I’ve kind of learned about it under my own steam.

Conscious effort and firm purpose.

Of course we will go to Mass, have the babies bapitised and say night-time prayers but other than that I’m just not sure what there is to it.

Well, how does the faith inform your actions? What does it mean to be a Christian? How do you live your life in service of Christ?

How will your family do this individually and as a unit?

I’m not very ‘up’ on my traditional Catholic devotions I must admit… I try to make time to pray the Rosary fairly frequently but I can’t really picture my future family doing that, and the stations of the cross etc together very much.

Why ever not?

 

[leonie]

The best thing you can do is surround yourself with other couples and families that are devout Catholics.

My nonCatholic spouse works with Catholics that are either lukewarm or just not well formed in the faith. He didn’t have much respect for Catholics until we started associating as a couple with strong Catholic couples.

He would say, “I don’t understand this Catholic church you are talking about. None of the Catholics I know believe any of that stuff.”

At the time, I had my women’s groups and Catholic moms as friends, but we weren’t socializing with Catholic couples.

Now, we have a Catholic homebased community. Now, my husband sees strong, committed Catholic men who are faithful to Church teaching.

He’s not Catholic, but he usually goes to Mass with us. He relunctantly uses nfp. He prays the rosary occasionally with us (often, his suggestion).

It’s made a world of difference.

BTW, it’s not been an easy road. I tell my kids (when they get old enough, that they should only date committed Catholics.