Pressure to have sex before marriage

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HAP0623

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So I was hoping to get some views on this topic. I am almost 23 years old and have always pictured myself married by the time I turn 25. I personally do not want to have pre-marital sex because I know I would feel incredibly guilty and I just think it necessary to wait til marriage. I just really feel it necessary to stay pure, not only for yourself, but also for your husband.

All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this. One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another, and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to.

I pray on this subject all the time, praying that God will send me someone who won’t pressure me, but I’m worried I’m going to give up someone really great in the process. I’m just afraid of being alone, one of my friends just recently got married which really has sparked my concern.

I could really use, and would deeply appreciate some advice…
 
A guy who would leave you because you refused to have sex with him is not the type of guy you want to marry anyway. But I’ll bet you already knew that, because you show a great amount of wisdom in your thinking. A friend of mine had a lovely custom of praying a Hail Mary every day for her future spouse, whoever it might be. She is now happily married. I’m sure you will be, too. You still have plenty of time - don’t worry that your friends are getting married. When the time is right for you, it will happen.

Betsy
 
HAP0623 said:
…All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this. One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another, and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to…
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Stick to what your conscience tells you. Why would you want to stay with someone who does not love you enough to respect your values as a person? It is your body and your soul. You have the right to wait for someone who is mature and good enough to appreciate that.

What if is was not sex? Suppose “…all of my friends who have been beaten tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t let them beat me up…” Seems pretty stupid, doesn’t it? How about “…all of my friends who have done crack tell me guys won’t stay with me if I don’t let do crack with them…” Maybe you need better friends.

If the only way your friend can get someone to be in relationship with them is to have sex with them, what does that tell you about the quality of that relationship? Maybe she needs to seriously re-evaluate her life choices.

P.S. - 23 and not married yet! Better get out the shawl and AARP card ’ cause your life is over! 😃 Seriously my dear sister in Christ, don’t panic or compromise your ideals based on where you think you should be. God may have that perfect man coming your way next month or next year or in two years. In the meantime, you have to live with and face that beautiful woman in the mirror every morning. Look to Jesus for your strength and to Mary as your model.

I’ll keep you in my prayers tonight for strength and guidance.
 
Hap0623,

I’d like to offer some encouragement to stick to your guns, and maybe something to think about that might help you.
HAP0623 said:
All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in. . .One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another, and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to.
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I think a natural question here would be “Sure, but how many guys STAY?” Do all of the women who have sex have steady boyfriends or get married? If not, then maybe having sex doesn’t do much to keep guys around. (I suspect, actually, it does more to end relationships rather than preserve them.)
HAP0623 said:
I could really use, and would deeply appreciate some advice…
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Another thing you may want to think about is how this line of thinking put forth by your friends amounts to *using people. *Trading sex for affection makes a commodity out of both sex and affection. So guys use women for sex, and women use guys for affection.

Maybe you could just tell them, “I understanding what you are trying to say, but I don’t want to use my boyfriend or future husband that way.”

One last thing, you might want to check out Dawn Eden’s website: dawneden.blogspot.com/. She wrote a interesting book entitled “Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On.”

I hope that helps. Keep up the good fight! With your sincerity and courage, you’ll make a great wife someday.

VC
 
From a guy’s perspective, I say you’re getting good advice here. If a guy you’re dating, or even a long-time boyfriend, threatens to breakup over sex, that really should tell you something about how seriously he takes you as a person and prospective wife. Not so much.
 
Hi hap, I’m a 23 year-old male. I’m dating my future wife right now and she’s 25. We are both extremely happy together in a chaste, non-cohabitating relationship.

The reason I tell you this is because I was in a relationship a while back where I didn’t avoid the temptation to sin and had sex. Since I have returned to a Life in Christ and the beauty of the Church, I have sorrow over my weaknesses long ago. Although I try to offer up this suffering to Jesus on my own little cross, I can promise you that you will regret giving into the pressure of your friends. Having gone back to striving for chastity, I feel so much better about myself and feel more open to the actions of the Holy Spirit. It is tough sometimes - no doubt about that - but I truly believe it’s the best way to go.

As others have said, any guy who won’t be with you becuase you won’t have sex with him, or be unchaste with him in any way, is no future husband.

I offered up an Ave for you just now. I hope God bestows His Grace upon you.

God bless,

Matthew Wade
 
First of all, where you are meeting men does make a difference. If it is in a very secular setting, your position on sex many not be embraced by the majority of young men you meet. OK - then focus on Catholic or Christian settings for a more favorable outcome.

Fear not. Be frank with the men you meet and tell them upfront. Their reaction will tell all. Either they will be on board and respect your position or not call you back.

The “no-call backs” are not men that would respect your religion any way. Good riddance. You cut to the chase fast.

I used to have the conversation right up front - first few dates. Though I am a blunt person. Did I get some hecklers? Oh yeah. Did I have success? Oh yeah.

Good, honest, and faithful men will respect your decision. Those make for great husbands.
 
A boy in one of my high school CCD classes argued in favor of premarital sex, comparing it to eating at a restaurant. “How do I know what I want from the menu if I haven’t tasted some of it?” Valid argument? I think not. After all, who really wants to eat a dinner that everyone else has been tasting?"
 
Gidget said:
A boy in one of my high school CCD classes argued in favor of premarital sex, comparing it to eating at a restaurant. “How do I know what I want from the menu if I haven’t tasted some of it?” Valid argument? I think not. After all, who really wants to eat a dinner that everyone else has been tasting?"
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Show him this.
 
You’ve been given some really good advice already. Guys who base the relationship on whether or not you have sex with them are not the type of guys you want to remain with. The moment you have sex with a guy who you think you want to remain with, you then become concerned with the quality of the sex in order to keep him satisfied and “committed.” A physical relationship built upon a foundation of sex must be sustained, which can be difficult since sex has a rather limited value. Personally, I think there’s too much hype built up around sex, and I’m 27, still in my prime, etc.

There are **plenty **of guys, who are virgins themselves, who will love you and respect you all the more for maintaining your virginity than should you not. The hard part is, of course, that most of the people we find attractive and can quite honestly see ourselves with on a physical level are oftentimes sexually active. This isn’t *always *the case, but in a culture like ours which places value on beautiful faces and on the value of sex as an end in and of itself, it happens more than we’d like. This is why relationships and marriage ought to be based on the characters and personalities of the persons involved and not by their looks – but that’s hard, I know.

Finding the right partner is difficult! Anyone who is happily married and satisfied with their choice of spouse will admit as much. You have to crack a lot of eggs to make an omelet, as the saying goes. If you don’t get married by 25, don’t lose hope: it doesn’t mean you won’t get married at all. Just have faith that the Lord will help you find the right partner when the time is right. The question you have to ask yourself is, Do I want to sacrifice my virtue in order to be married by 25, or would I rather maintain my virtue and feel better about myself even if it takes longer than desired?
 
Having sex before marriage is probably one of the worst ways to put your future marriage at risk. There are plenty of twenty-something guys trying to live chastely. I suggest you find a circle of chaste friends - I know personally how much of a struggle it is when surrounded by people who are totally into the secular mindset. Catholic fellowship is crucial especially in younger ages.

Many of my friends often scolded me by saying “you’re missing out” and I “gotta loosen up”; or “life is short” and “you should experience as much as you can.” What bogus. Chastity *is *an experience that most people these days sadly miss out on. If a guy demands your virginity before marriage, he is simply not worth it. Don’t sacrifice it for someone’s selfish consumption. You (and your husband) will be thankful for persevering on your wedding day.
Good for you, God bless you.
 
Here’s some corny stuff from an old lady…

“No boy is worth crying over, and the one who is won’t make you cry.”

“Never allow yourself to make someone your priority, while allowing him to make you his option.”

So the guy who pushes you to do something you don’t want to do, is putting himself ahead of you, and always will. Besides sex, if every date is to his football game and never to your ballet, if every dinner is his pizza and beer and never your chow mein, if every movie is his adventure film never your sentimental romance, if every Friday night is with his guys and never your girls…count on it to be that way forever. People put their best foot forward during courting. If the best he has to offer is his way or the highway, take the highway. He’s the wrong guy.
 
I wouldn’t worry about any time limit or anything. The average age at first marriage is climbing up there anyway, it’s currently around 26 for women. The value of waiting longer to marry is that the older you are at first marriage the less the likelihood of divorce.

Certainly if a gent won’t stay with you just because you don’t want to have pre-marital sex, he’s not worth the chemicals of which he’s composed.
 
HAP0623 said:
So
All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this. One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another, and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to.
this individual does not sound like the best one to give advice on relationships given her track record (reminds me of the old Supremes song)
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a really great guy will not be pressuring you to have sex before marriage so that will not happen
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don’t have time to read all posts… hope i’m not repeating…

sex is over-rated in our society… All i ever see on TV is sex, sex and more sex… and not normal, married sex but allusions to perverted sex (homosexuality, fornication, etc…). And i very rarely even turn on the TV :eek: 🤷

Are you Catholic?

frankly, i wouldn’t even be intimate friends with anyone whose morals were so drastically different from my own… Jesus said not to be “unequally yoked with unbelievers.” and somewhere else in God’s Word it says “What fellowship hath light with darkness.”

If your so called friends are pressuring you to have sex before marriage, objectively speaking, they are not good friends… especially since one of them goes from one guy to the next… Is that what she wants for you?? Some friend…

I hope you are a virgin… You have a very precious gift to offer your husband… I wouldn’t give it up for anyone who is not willing to marry you & spend the rest of his life with you…

If a man pressures a woman to have sex with him without benefit of marriage… Run as fast as you can… That is someone who will pressure someone else to have sex with him after he is married to YOU. :eek: .
 
HAP0623 said:
All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this.

I could really use, and would deeply appreciate some advice…
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Your friends have it backwards. They have sex with men and the men don’t stay with them. How many of them have had sex with their boyfriends and ended up happily married to them?

If you have a boyfriend and you break up would you rather have had sex with him, or be a virgin?

Be happy being single. Enjoy life. Don’t even be looking at men as prospective mates. If someone is interested in you take your time. Find out about his morals.

Most marriages that fail have problems that are recognizable before the marriage. Statistics say that couples who live together before marrying or sleep together have a much greater chance of a failed marriage.

God knows what He is doing. He gave us commandments to follow, because He knows how we need to live to be happy and have good lives. He is a whole lot smarter about these things than your girlfriends. Breaking God’s commandments causes a lot of pain, sooner or later.
 
Yeah, I sometimes worry about this too… even if I’m only seventeen and shouldn’t be thinking about marriage for awhile.

I’m pretty sure that there are men out there who would really love a woman enough to just… wait. God knows I’m staying a virgin til my wedding night. 😉 But seriously, though, there’s no shame in it at all. I’m 17 and have never had my first kiss. 😃

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood
 
Wow, I never expected all these replies. Thank you so much,I can’t tell you how much it helps. I feel a lot more confident now in my decision to stay pure until marriage. God does know what He is doing, and I should never have doubted. I’m going to try and stop worrying, and instead love life and everything it has to offer. Thank you for making me feel better, and more relieved to know that their are decent men out there. 🙂
 
A good friend of mine is a newlywed. Way back on this couple’s second date, my friend laid it out very clearly. “Hey you seem nice. I’d like to date, but before we go to far, you should know that premarital sex just isn’t for me and I’m not going to do that. You should know that going in.” That faith, conviction, and knowledge of herself were so strong was incredibly attractive to him that he stuck around…and waited. 🙂

And when friends start in on how physical intimacy is necessary to maintain the relationship it might be useful to point out that there are thousands of ways to be intimate without being ‘intimate.’
 
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