Pressure to have sex before marriage

[grandfather]

A good friend of mine is a newlywed. Way back on this couple’s second date, my friend laid it out very clearly. “Hey you seem nice. I’d like to date, but before we go to far, you should know that premarital sex just isn’t for me and I’m not going to do that. You should know that going in.” That faith, conviction, and knowledge of herself were so strong was incredibly attractive to him that he stuck around…and waited.
.’

I don’t want to scare the original poster, but:

I have a young woman friend who is drop dead gorgeous, a tall stunning beautiful blond. She is a couple of years out of college, happy go lucky, loves life. She started dating a young man and told him she might be interested in him, but sex was not part of the deal. She is a virgin and planned on staying that way until marriage.

I would see her in church praying her beads with her eyes closed week after week, sticking around and praying hard. I never saw her not smile. I guess the boyfriend accepted her rules.

A couple of months ago she told me she is becoming a nun, still with that glow. Her boyfriend was crushed, but accepting.

Life with God is beautiful.

 

[1ke]

All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this.

This type of man is not one you would want to date, let alone marry. Weeding out these losers quickly is actually a bonus.

One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another,

Clearly guys don’t stay with her, even after she does “give in.”

and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to.

And she didn’t do a happy-dance to be rid of such idiots?

I pray on this subject all the time, praying that God will send me someone who won’t pressure me, but I’m worried I’m going to give up someone really great in the process.

A man who pressures you and wants to dishonor you and God in such a way is not a “really great” guy.

So, you won’t *pass up *any really great guys by living out your life demanding respect, dignity, and chastity. You will *find *the really great guys in this way.

I’m just afraid of being alone, one of my friends just recently got married which really has sparked my concern.

You do not marry to avoid being lonely. You can be lonely with a spouse.

You marry if and when you meet the person with whom you want to work toward Heaven and the building up of a family and the Kingdom of God.

You do not marry for what you will receive, but for what you can give.

 

[jfoges]

So I was hoping to get some views on this topic. I am almost 23 years old and have always pictured myself married by the time I turn 25. I personally do not want to have pre-marital sex because I know I would feel incredibly guilty and I just think it necessary to wait til marriage. I just really feel it necessary to stay pure, not only for yourself, but also for your husband.

All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this. One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another, and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to.

I pray on this subject all the time, praying that God will send me someone who won’t pressure me, but I’m worried I’m going to give up someone really great in the process. I’m just afraid of being alone, one of my friends just recently got married which really has sparked my concern.

I could really use, and would deeply appreciate some advice…

I am a 28 year old unmarried male. I just want to say you should not give in to social pressure to have sex. It is not necessary to have sex outside of marriage to get a guy to want to marry you. If you have sex before marriage that will not have anything to do with whether you marry the guy. It is best to wait until marriage.

 

[TLM08]

So I was hoping to get some views on this topic. I am almost 23 years old and have always pictured myself married by the time I turn 25. I personally do not want to have pre-marital sex because I know I would feel incredibly guilty and I just think it necessary to wait til marriage. I just really feel it necessary to stay pure, not only for yourself, but also for your husband.

All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this. One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another, and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to.

I pray on this subject all the time, praying that God will send me someone who won’t pressure me, but I’m worried I’m going to give up someone really great in the process. I’m just afraid of being alone, one of my friends just recently got married which really has sparked my concern.

I could really use, and would deeply appreciate some advice…

Find yourself a good practicing Catholic man who shares your values regarding sex. If a man leaves you because you won’t compromise your values, then he will most certainly make a LOUSY husband. Stick to your guns, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache down the road. By the way, congratulations on your decision to remain pure until marriage. That is such an awesome and beautiful thing in this sewer of a world we live in

 

[valient_Lucy]

To the OP, I’ve also seen it work the other way. I’ve seen people (girls) trapped in limbo relationships. They live with (and sleep with, of course) these guys who they have no intention of marrying, and the guys have no intention of marrying them either. But yet, they can’t break up with these guys and find someone else.

 

[CentralFLJames]

Consider if you have sex before marriage and you end up not marrying what that does to your future relationship with whoever is your husband.

In this day and age men don’t usually expect their partners to be virgin since they themselves have most often been with multiple partners - but there is an underlying resentment and insecurity anyway. Men will want to know all about who you were with previously and how many men you experienced and for how long you where with them etc. There is a definate double standard - its not fair but its the way it is. You may find a man who will say “those other men do not matter to me” but deep down they will feel be insecure and will compete with your other past relationships and want to “out do” the others in the intimacy department and get reassurances that they are “the best”. What I am saying here is that having intimacy with somone who may not really become your husband is undermining your future relationship if if turns out you never marry. I also think men lose objective respect for a woman who caves into pressure to have sex before marriage and men will subconsciously think “she was easy - and if not me it would have been somone else anyway - lucky me”. It takes away the specialness of the relationship and makes the man feel less special about himself.

Ever heard of the old Marx Brothers joke “I wouldn’t’ belong to any club that would have me as a member”? Well there is a lot of truth to this for someone who loses self respect and lowers their standards. The same concept applies to marriage to a woman who would have sex with anyone before a commitment was made. The counter joke for men might be: “I would never marry a woman who would have me as a lover”.

Don’t do it - why join the same club that everyone else is a member of? Be unique - save yourself for your husband and be much more desirable to any man and also help him feel special. He will love you for it.

James

 

[distracted]

Yeah, I sometimes worry about this too… even if I’m only seventeen and shouldn’t be thinking about marriage for awhile.

I’m pretty sure that there are men out there who would really love a woman enough to just… wait. God knows I’m staying a virgin til my wedding night. But seriously, though, there’s no shame in it at all. I’m 17 and have never had my first kiss.

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

i envy you but am very happy for you… Be very careful… i lost my virginity through rape… and ther is a lot of date rape going on out there… Don’t ever be alone with a man you don’t know very well. (sometimes even when you think you know a mna… and can trust him… you can’t… i ought to know…

 

[distracted]

Wow, I never expected all these replies. Thank you so much,I can’t tell you how much it helps. I feel a lot more confident now in my decision to stay pure until marriage. God does know what He is doing, and I should never have doubted. I’m going to try and stop worrying, and instead love life and everything it has to offer. Thank you for making me feel better, and more relieved to know that their are decent men out there.

but there are a lot of ones that aren’t decent… I seem to be a magnet for those kind… Weird…

(or maybe i just bring out the worst in them… Maybe they WERE decent… till they had to deal with me… )

 

[Maxply]

I think Central Fl James is right: if you start having a lot of sexual relationships. . . well, you end up bringing all that baggage into the marriage you eventually make.

I’d add another note. Some people say you should have sex so you can try out the merchandise before getting married, and that you really need “sexual compatibility” (although I’m not sure what anyone much means by the term).

But what if you’re terribly sexually compatible with. . . someone you just don’t care much to be around?

Or reasonably sexually compatible with someone you love being around?

 

[distracted]

But what if you’re terribly sexually compatible with. . . someone you just don’t care much to be around?

you just described my life!!! :whacky: well, my past life… I’ve been celibate for about 100 yrs… Yikes… you really hit a note when you said that… :banghead: uch:

Or reasonably sexually compatible with someone you love being around?

reasonably sexually compatible???

I never understood that term Sexual Compatability…

It seems to me that that kind of thing would just take care of itself naturally… if/when you really love someone and that someone loves you back - unconditionally… meaning you are both willing to work on whatever needs working on in the relationship…

I have never found anyone who fits that description… I can deal with any problem a man has, but i cna’t deal with him not dealing with it!!! I always seem to find the ones who are clue-less that they even have much of a problem… always think it is the woman’s fault… and/or her sole responsibility to “fix”… whatever is wrong…

Anyway… the only incompatability i can understand/relate to is the one in which one person wants “it” all the time and the other one doesn’t… I don’t think i could deal with that … for very long… I mean, there would have to be some good reason… something physical… otherwise, i would think he was having an affair or something… (i definitely have trust issues… probaby always will after all i have been through…).

Anyway… i have to go but … thanks …

for bringing back painful memories…

God bless…

 

[newbetx]

So I was hoping to get some views on this topic. I am almost 23 years old and have always pictured myself married by the time I turn 25. I personally do not want to have pre-marital sex because I know I would feel incredibly guilty and I just think it necessary to wait til marriage. I just really feel it necessary to stay pure, not only for yourself, but also for your husband.

All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this. One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another, and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to.

I pray on this subject all the time, praying that God will send me someone who won’t pressure me, but I’m worried I’m going to give up someone really great in the process. I’m just afraid of being alone, one of my friends just recently got married which really has sparked my concern.

I could really use, and would deeply appreciate some advice…

’

Here is a great book on this subject. Mary Beth is someone you can relate to. Read it, understand it and share it with your friends. And any potential boyfriends that think they know what sex is about and you might not. This should help you say “no” and them to understand why that is right.

 

[Fox]

A man who pressures you into sex or leaves you because you won’t give in, isn’t a man but a boy who needs to grow and mature. You keep denying these jokers and don’t worry God will bless you for your determination. You’ll meet a nice man soon enough. Wait for marriage. I wish I did,and I’m a guy.

 

[Chancellare]

After reading all the posts and replies, I thought the whole issue has been covered thoroughly.
But perhaps one more:

Forgive me for using non-affectionate words to illustrate my points.

If your friends have to trade sex for affection, it sounds like a poor economic trade becuse of the exploitative nature. We men and women trade goods and services everyday whether we like it or not.The problem starts when we mistake goods and services for affection and lasting relationships. Technically speaking, sex between two un-married individuals falls under the classification of “services”. When this happens, the transaction not only violates the sanctity of God’s sacrament but it is an 'asymmetrical" trading transaction.

My suggestion is this:
Change the trading process by taking out sex and replace it with more economically valuable goods that build relationship and promote self-worth for all parties concerned. For instance develop good conversational skills and professional excellence like cooking, arts, literary knowledge, counselling, community service, etc. Men and women who possess such qualities, command high respect and can dictate the course of any form of relationship.

You’ll be surprised with the quality of men you will attract.

Just my ten cent’s worth, from actual experience - not from any theory.

 

[distracted]

A man who pressures you into sex or leaves you because you won’t give in, isn’t a man but a boy who needs to grow and mature. You keep denying these jokers and don’t worry God will bless you for your determination. You’ll meet a nice man soon enough. Wait for marriage. I wish I did,and I’m a guy.

excellent advice… I’ve waited many years & still haven’t found Mr. Right… but i don’t care because i have found Mr. Perfect - Jesus…

and he is not a tough act to follow but an impossible one…

 

[fms]

So I was hoping to get some views on this topic. I am almost 23 years old and have always pictured myself married by the time I turn 25. I personally do not want to have pre-marital sex because I know I would feel incredibly guilty and I just think it necessary to wait til marriage. I just really feel it necessary to stay pure, not only for yourself, but also for your husband.

All of my friends have had sex and tell me that guys won’t stay with me if I don’t give in, so I am worried that I am going to never get married because of this. One of my friends for example goes through one relationship after another, and she told me how two of her boyfriends broke up with her because she refused to sleep of them when they wanted to.

I pray on this subject all the time, praying that God will send me someone who won’t pressure me, but I’m worried I’m going to give up someone really great in the process. I’m just afraid of being alone, one of my friends just recently got married which really has sparked my concern.

I could really use, and would deeply appreciate some advice…

Actually the boy soon leaves after he has had sex with the girl. A person close to me once said, ‘Now that I have known her this way, what else is there to know? I actually do not want to see her again. And if I do, its just for the sex.’

 

[Sea_Bass]

Howdy,

Don’t give in! You have waited this long for it, so don’t fret anything! I’m a soon to be 23 year old man and am still waiting! Guys that are still waiting still exist, you just have to find them! Don’t give in on your values and beliefs because you can’t find a boyfriend. And don’t have a plan for getting married! Live your life the way you believe God is leading you!

For what it’s worth, I faced a similar situation recently. I thought it would be easier to find someone if I just learn to deal with sex differently. My friends were saying I was putting girls on a pedastal, and that it really wasn’t worth it to wait. And I started to believe them, so at the bars, I would begin to try different things. And I got to the point, where I had sealed the deal, and my conscience hit me like a ton of bricks. I asked myself “What in the heck are you doing?” I felt so guilty about the whole ordeal, that I said bye to the girl and my friends, and promptly left. I went to confession the next day and have never looked back. My point in this is that is not worth it. Relationships are about way more than sex, and if the guy breaks up with because of it, then he is not worth it. I, for one, have never pressured any of my girl friends to ever have sex. Guys like that still exist, trust me. Any guy would be lucky to have a girl like you…ie a girl that respects herself and her future spouse enough to wait.

 

[distracted]

Howdy,

Don’t give in! You have waited this long for it, so don’t fret anything! I’m a soon to be 23 year old man and am still waiting! Guys that are still waiting still exist, you just have to find them! Don’t give in on your values and beliefs because you can’t find a boyfriend. And don’t have a plan for getting married! Live your life the way you believe God is leading you!

For what it’s worth, I faced a similar situation recently. I thought it would be easier to find someone if I just learn to deal with sex differently. My friends were saying I was putting girls on a pedastal, and that it really wasn’t worth it to wait. And I started to believe them, so at the bars, I would begin to try different things. And I got to the point, where I had sealed the deal, and my conscience hit me like a ton of bricks. I asked myself “What in the heck are you doing?” I felt so guilty about the whole ordeal, that I said bye to the girl and my friends, and promptly left. I went to confession the next day and have never looked back. My point in this is that is not worth it. Relationships are about way more than sex, and if the guy breaks up with because of it, then he is not worth it. I, for one, have never pressured any of my girl friends to ever have sex. Guys like that still exist, trust me. Any guy would be lucky to have a girl like you…ie a girl that respects herself and her future spouse enough to wait.

thanks for the uplifting post.

I have been waiting for a very long time… although most of that time I wasn’t really “looking” & I’m still not, really. In fact, the older i get, the less i “look” because, well, for one, i have been in many bad relationships (not all involved the physical)… It stands to reason that when male sinner meets female sinner, there are going to be PROBLEMS… It is difficult to discern what sinful stuff you can deal with and the stuff you cant deal w ith. Every time i ever used to “fall in love” i thought i loved the person uncondtionally, only to find out in the end that, after that was tested… I really didn’t… or let’s just say i loved my relationship with Christ more (which should go without saying but… well… sometimes we humans tend to throw Him out the window [no offense, Jesus:hypno: ] when we find something we think is “wonderful”. only to learn the hard way that there is no love like HIs…

do you spend time at the blessed Sacrament?? that’s where we really begin to know / get closer to / love Jesus…

 

[daeve]

I think you’re really hit the nail on the head, distracted. When you weigh having sex now with the long term future of your immortal soul, it puts things in perspective. You’re the best gift you have to give a man, so make sure the one you give yourself to deserves that gift.

We’re proud of you, girl!

 

[distracted]

I think you’re really hit the nail on the head, distracted. When you weigh having sex now with the long term future of your immortal soul, it puts things in perspective. You’re the best gift you have to give a man, so make sure the one you give yourself to deserves that gift.

We’re proud of you, girl!

Thanks

but you know, even if i wasn’t catholic and/or worried about my eternal destiny… i would still not want to fornicate. There are so many consequences: you can get VD… you can get involved w/ someone who sleeps with other people (& know not it)… and worst of all (to me) is you can get your heart broken… (here today, gone tomorrow… there are no guarantees). Marriage doesn’t even guarantee someone will stick around for the duration. So why so many people fornicate and why fornication is glorified on TV is beyond me… i guess those who do not have God… worship other things (people)… Pretty sad.

God bless…

 

[daeve]

Thanks

but you know, even if i wasn’t catholic and/or worried about my eternal destiny… i would still not want to fornicate. There are so many consequences: you can get VD… you can get involved w/ someone who sleeps with other people (& know not it)… and worst of all (to me) is you can get your heart broken… (here today, gone tomorrow… there are no guarantees). Marriage doesn’t even guarantee someone will stick around for the duration. So why so many people fornicate and why fornication is glorified on TV is beyond me… i guess those who do not have God… worship other things (people)… Pretty sad.

God bless…

Another wise observation from an astute young woman. Even if you think sex outside of marriage is ok, there are still so many pragmatic reasons to not do it. Those who don’t worry about their souls should still consider their hearts and bodies.