Pretty unpleasant confession experience

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m not big on shame either. I got a lot of that from authority figures as a child and young person. It is not productive. (I’m big on productive.)

I think we can all understand that sin is not good and that it hurts Jesus, without imposing a lot of shame on ourselves. We have a sinful nature. It’s how we are. We’re always going to have a sinful nature. Feeling ashamed doesn’t help any more than when Adam and Eve covered themselves and tried to hide from God because they were ashamed. Because “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”, shame is always self-imposed. You can take the advice of someone like a priest without falling into shame, especially if you are an adult (it’s more problematic when priests are harsh on children).

There is also another way to look at this negative experience you had.
First, that it could be a test from God to see if you will still persist in your faith even when priests don’t act the way you expect or would like them to.

Second, I heard a homily last year that stuck with me. It said when someone does something annoying or upsetting, it is because they need our prayers. Perhaps that priest really needs your prayers right now. I’m not going to assume it’s because he’s committed a crime or aided and abetted one, but he could have all manner of personal challenges - maybe even that he needs to learn how to be a better confessor.

Focus on your absolution. Forgive the priest and pray for him. Remember that he might be helping other people, since some people respond better to a different confession style.
And go to another priest next time.

God bless.

 

[Peeps]

It wasn’t intended to be uncharitable or judgmental. It was intended to present a theory that would explain what happened to the OP in the confessional.

And my theory is certainly within the realms of possibility. After all, 300 priests (over many decades)–it’s a lot of priests. And that’s just one part of the world.

I’m sure that a lot of people in Pennsylvania over the years had something a little “off” happen with their priest, and they perhaps thought, “Hmm, maybe he’s doing…” And then they immediately said, “Oh, but that’s uncharitable of me. God forgive me for even thinking such a thing!”

Too bad.

Or maybe they DID say something, and were told, “How could you even THINK such a thing about Father! It’s so uncharitable!”"

Again, too bad.

I think that Catholics need to be much more aware and alert and willing to listen to each other, even if what is said is unpleasant. Actually, all of us need to be aware and alert at all times, because this kind of abuse isn’t just happening in the Catholic Church.

And I think that it’s important that we not just dismiss unpleasant theories as “uncharitable”. We need to keep our eyes, ears, and MINDS open.

I do understand that no matter what sins a priest has committed, he still retains the authority to hear confessions and confer forgiveness.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

And if one more harsh priest means a soul lost because the person stops going to confession?

It works both ways.

 

[woolycaterpillar]

I know how it feels to be scolded for things since I was almost refused absolution once. He said he didn’t know if I should be absolved unless I “stopped carrying on like that.” I needed to get advice, but he yelled at me.

 

[Lee1]

I think it’s important to remember that our dear priests are human and I rely on my feelings of having a personal relationship with our Heavenly Father. I think that helps.

 

[crenfro]

Hello.

As I understand it, confession is a sacrament of healing.

Confession heals a person by Christ acting through the priest, and if proper absolution is given, and the person is as honest & thorough as possible in their confession, then it was fruitful.

I used to go to confession to a certain priest where I always left feeling like an object worthy only of contempt, not a beloved child of God. I started going to confession to another priest after only a few of those experiences, and I also very confidentially (I didn’t want to hurt a priest’s reputation, most of them have enough to contend with these days) wrote the Bishop about it. And I also spoke with another priest that I respected about it, who apologized for the confessor’s behavior.

Remember the parable of the prodigal son? Is that how the father treated the wayward son, by yelling at him and with general disgust? That’s not how it ended as I remember it.

Anyway, I think we are all wounded, and adding to those wounds doesn’t help. I’m very sorry you had this happen, and I remember how devastated I felt after those confessions I went to. What if a person who was suicidal went to confession and had a priest act towards them with contempt, then went & killed himself? That is a concern of mine because I have depression. We bare our souls in confession.

As for repeating sins in confession, some faults and flaws of ours take a lifetime to overcome, and what I’ve heard and read about confessing things again & again is that we’re supplied with more & more grace to overcome these sins each time we go to confession.

But these are just my opinions…and you know what they say about those.

 

[Limoncello4021]

People are soft and wimpy today. They do NOT want to have someone call it like it is and point out grave sin in a grave and no-nonsense manner. As I posted above, I am most grateful for a harsh priest who at a critical moment in my life admonished me strongly against a serious sin, one that had I continued would have merited me hell. I would far rather have a harsh priest than face the harsh Christ on judgement day.
Confession is often like lancing a boil. It can hurt, but it is completely necessary for ultimate healing. The key is to start to strenuously avoid those sins that a priest may feel the need to admonish harshly!

 

[therese1998]

I’m not looking for the “truth” of an experience between myself and another person that no one else was witness to. I am more looking to process and to share with others. Hope that makes sense to you.

 

[therese1998]

My second to last confession was a very, very bad experience. Something I would not wish on a dog. I will spare you the details. The one after that was a little better but left so many questions and doubts I have never been back. That was four years ago. I haven’t taken communion, either. Here I come back to the church and I feel stuck in the revolving door; can’t leave, cant go in…no one really there to help you. There is only God. He hears.

Sorry to hear that As I said, I have had mostly positive experiences in the confessional. Perhaps there is someone in your circle who can recommend a priest they feel is particularly compassionate who can help you to regain a positive association with going to confession?

 

[Mary888]

Ok. I also got some pushy replies from an old priest once interrupting my confession. I felt bullied. But then after confession as I was leaving I looked in his eyes and they were so soft and kind I could never forget them. He must have passed away by now. I hope to God’s loving arms.
As a personal experience I deal with being guilt tripped many times in my daily life. So maybe I am immune or gave up fighting or… I do not feel ashamed to feel guilty. I do not give too much cents on psychology when they say guilt is actual you being proud. No. If I have done something wrong I feel guilty. I can’t read souls so I can’t know who is taking advantage from it and who is trying to correct me. I give the priests more benefit because …otherwise the church, the whole thing is a joke. I don’t want it to be a joke. Christ told us to be like children. Children usually have no problem with admitting a mistake and take in being bashed for it.

 

[alphawoman]

Why do you think Christ will be harsh? What in his earthly ministry leads you to think that that’s his defining characteristic? When people come to him genuinely repentant, he is gentle and welcoming, but doesn’t sugar coat the truth.

If a sharper tone is what’s effective for you, that’s your personal preference. To project your preference onto others is just as subjective as the opposite.

 

[Hope1960]

I don’t recall having a priest treat me particularly harshly. I confess behind the screen normally where I go now but I remember confessing face to face and a priest I knew gave me a stern look like “what were you thinking?” about a particular sin at the time but if you knew the situation and what I was confessing at the time, it was understandable. Otherwise he wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t stay with him.

The worst that ever happened to me in Confession is really mild. But once I made an appointment to confess face-to-face (something I’ve only done, maybe twice), and the priest was very busy that day but squeezed me in since I was able to come to the rectory right after I got off the phone with him.
When I got there the first thing he said to me was something along the lines of “what’s so important that you needed to come here?” It kind of made me feel a little bad, but I was so happy he squeezed me in that it didn’t bother me too much.
Over all, I’ve been lucky to have had very good experiences in Confession.

One lady in my parish wasn’t so lucky but the priest she went to then is gone now.

 

[therese1998]

[/quote]

St. Padre Pio, one of the most famous confessors ever, whom people would wait for days to confess to, was often very harsh i
[/quote]

My understanding was that Padre Pio was harsh in the confessional with those who others verified were not observant in their faith, but were rather what we used to call “for show Catholics”. I sincerely hope I did not give the impression of a “for show Catholic”

why would one involve a “middle man”

Because this is the way Christ told Peter He wanted His Church to be organized. He could have said “Each of you interpret for yourself. Each of you confess for yourself and in private”. But, instead, He gave Peter, and through Peter all priests, not only the authority but the obligation to be His vessel. Christ is aware of the nature of being human. Indeed, He was aware of this particular confession I am relating before I was even conceived inside my mother. The struggle I am having is with my own processing of an interaction I feel was unnecessarily harsh, not with the sacrament itself.

 

[therese1998]

At the risk of antagonizing you, have you ever considered the possibility that this experience may have been what you needed?

Perhaps it was. This is part of what I am trying to process. I am not a proponent of “Hurt to help”. I will explain why in a separate reply or further down.

You keep committing the same sins, and confessing them.

This puts me in some pretty good company then as many, many saints of our day and of the past have reported the same experience. In fact, I think repeated sin is quite ubiquitous, to be honest. Given that, perhaps (and I am not especially qualified to make a suggestion, other than I am as able to receive revelation from Jesus as anyone) the harshness should be communicated from the pulpit more often and less often in the confessional where we are feeling very vulnerable.

And don’t forget that in the end, the priest did give you absolution, so your sins were forgiven

Yes, I understand that.

God heals through forgiveness, not through harshness.

This is my understanding, as well. Perhaps this is why I am slow to process more fully. Thank you for your comment.

Most confessions last about 5 minutes

This is my experience, as well, which is why I prepare with my ever so sophisticated “count on your fingers” technique. It is worth mentioning that each of the three previous penitents were in the confessional with Father for about 15 minutes. Perhaps this is his regular confession style and I am taking it, erroneously, as a revelation to me personally.

 

[therese1998]

So confession for me is an unpleasant experience because I judge myself harshly and I’d rather not divulge them to anyone at all!

Yep, that’s how I feel too. This leads me to wonder if maybe I was over-sensitive…not so much in whether he was harsh or not (he was) but more in whether it was personal to ME. Hope I’m explaining that one correctly.

I don’t think confession should be a walk in the park, I think being reminded that our sins hurt God is a good thing and I believe we should be passive with our priests unless they attempt to cause us to sin.

Agreed. And I would say I’ve always followed this, even in the particular experience I am relating. As I process the experience, I realize it’s not the reminder that my sins DO hurt God and ARE terrible that is bothering me. It’s the harshness that is the problem. It is not productive for me and I think there’s a good reason why. More on that further down or in another post reply.

I looked in his eyes and they were so soft and kind

You can take the advice of someone like a priest without falling into shame,

Agreed, with caution

 

[therese1998]

to see if you will still persist in your faith

Interesting…hadn’t thought of that, thank you. It didn’t occur to me in the slightest to lose faith over the actions of one priest. That would be like refusing to finish my professional course of study because I had a bad professor. First, no one would ever be a professional if that were the case. Second, that’s the most overt example of cutting off your nose to spite your face I can just about think of.

Perhaps that priest really needs your prayers right now.

You are absolutely right, thank you. I find that perspective helpful. I have a completely different response when I think he may, himself, be hurting than when I simply think about my own feeling like I was treated harshly. I was not thinking of others as I ought. Hmmmmm.

After all, 300 priests (over many decades)–it’s a lot of priests.

This is, tragically, true. And it is inexcusable. However, if you read the John Jay report, you will find that this is actually commensurate with, or slightly lower (should be not at ALL), the rates of abuse found within the general population and also within the “helping” professions. Not an excuse, but not a “Catholic Church problem only”, either.

I think that Catholics need to be much more aware and alert and willing to listen to each other, even if what is said is unpleasant.

Yes, much agreed

And if one more harsh priest means a soul lost because the person stops going to confession?

It works both ways.

Yep, that’s true, too. Very complicated. Starting to get “spin head”. Not as simple as I first was feeling…

I know how it feels to be scolded for things since I was almost refused absolution once. He said he didn’t know if I should be absolved unless I “stopped carrying on like that.” I needed to get advice, but he yelled at me.

Oh my goodness! That IS harsh. So sorry you had this experience.

because I have depression

Yes, me too. More on why I agree with your statement about woundedness further down.

We bare our souls in confession.

Yes, as I process the experience, I think this may be at the root of my difficulty…

People are soft and wimpy today.

Neurological research doesn’t support your statement. If you don’t mind being treated harshly, that is your prerogative. You don’t have the authority to make that decision for others. Sorry, but I really don’t think the physical and the spiritual are necessarily analogous. They can be, but they don’t have to be.

they were so soft and kind

Maybe this was the case, but I didn’t realize it because his eyes were closed. Great point, thank you.

 

[therese1998]

So, in a nutshell, this is why I believe the “hurt to help” philosophy is more harmful than helpful.

For both professional and personal reasons, I have in the last decade spent a lot of time researching and attending conferences on the neurology of trauma, particularly the trauma of life experiences. For the purposes of this discussion, I refer to emotionally harsh treatment.

It’s uber complicated and I have an average to high average IQ…a person with more intelligence could probably explain it better, but here goes:

Recent advances in brain imaging have shown that the brain, particularly from in utero to about the end of adolescence, “builds itself” based on information it receives from our environment. (Genetics, or DNA instructions, are important as well, but for the purposes of this discussion, I focus on environmental, or nurture, feedback). Negative experiences flood the brain with fight, freeze or flight reactions. This is good. The problem comes in when the negative feedback is continuous or even just fairly regular. Our fight, freeze or flight reactions don’t turn off, we develop more and more neural connections to deal with danger and we, literally, grow brains hugely concerned with surviving harsh experiences. This “survival mode” is not meant to be continuous. Normal processing, learning and reactions to (name removed by moderator)ut are suspended and only escaping the perceived danger is attended to. Eventually, the part of the brain devoted to danger is abnormally large and even “minor” negative experiences can trigger the suspension of learning and “normal” reaction to experiences. No one really knows why, as I understand it, but some brains “bounce back” more easily and some don’t. Very few reliable predictive measures for who bounces back and who doesn’t are available.

In plain English, this means that being harsher does not reinforce learning. In fact, it can practically guarantee that learning a lesson does NOT happen. Given the huge numbers of people in society experiencing PTSD-like symptoms (depression, anxiety, abnormally violent responses to stress/tension, the need for medication to function “normally” within our environments), it is prudent to treat every person (particularly those with whom you are having a 5 minute conversation) with gentle firmness and consistency rather than the “let 'em have it” harshness we see so often.

To relate this to my OP, maybe Father could have or should have treated me more compassionately for a better lesson learned. Or maybe I should have compassion for Father because HE needed it. Still thinking about that.

One thing I’m sure of though is that I’m enormously grateful for everybody’s chiming in. Thank you so much!

 

[Roseeurekacross]

The number 300 is not just priests, it includes laity too.so x number of priests and x number of laity = 300

Laity in Pennsylvania, attached to the Catholic Church were sexually abusing children too. Its a pity the real breakdown isnt discussed too much.

And yes, imho the way you said it, was really uncharitable. You were basically accusing that priest or any priest of thinking only of his crimes in the confessional, never mind that priest may be quite innocent. In the wake of the sexual abuse crisis globally, it is so damaging to tar every priest or religious or nun or laity working for the church, with the potential rapist brush.

Do we accuse every male of rape because males are known to rape? Do we accuse every male of beating women up because some males do?

and yes the Australian Royal Commission found this type of abuse was happening across the board, in many religious and secular institutions. So are you going to accuse all teachers of sexual abuse? All medical staff?

 

[Roseeurekacross]

one harsh priest is nothing compared to the harshness of hell.
I have been told

 

[Roseeurekacross]

pray on it Therese, will it make you less likely to commit this sin in the future

And as you say, that great saint Padre Pio was very harsh, or called it like it was. For him.

It could be a lesson in humility. We all get a few of those.