Pretty unpleasant confession experience

  • Thread starter Thread starter therese1998
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Sometime a harsh confessor (or doctor or teacher or parent or coach or any authority figure) has just the opposite effect.

Rather than swaying someone away from an undesirable behavior or attitude, the harshness actually provokes a stubborn reaction or a rebellion that causes the person to continue the undesirable behavior.

I’m 61, and I’ve seen this happen over and over again, especially in sports. A coach who can’t strike that balance between firmness and harshness creates a rebellious team that won’t listen to anything the coach says.

I think this is especially true in addictive behaviors–the doctor who tells the patient, “IF you don’t lose weight and start exercising, you’ll be dead in a year” often ends up driving the patient TOWARD the very behaviors that need to be stopped or changed.

I know that for me, harshness creates resentment, and resentment causes me to dive into my negative behaviors with glee, as I think (illogically) that I’m making the harsh person even madder and more unbalanced and eventually he or she will find out that they are wrong about me.

I’m not proud of any of this, but it’s something that is part of my personality. I don’t like being treated like a ugly dog. I respond much better to kindness, gentle words, softness, and encouragement than to harshness and condemnation. I will jump through hoops for the boss who tells me I’m doing a great job and asks me to repeat a task that needs a better result, while I will slack off and call in sick for the boss who tells me that I’ve botched something up and they are writing me up for it.

Not sure of the psychology behind this. I’m guessing it has something to do with strong-willed vs. compliant personalities. The compliant personality will willingly do what they are told and benefit from it, while the strong-willed person will deliberately do the opposite of what they are told to do!
 
Last edited:
When I was about twelve years old a new friend of mine offered me his air rifle and bid me shoot at a sparrow on a roof opposite. Unthinking I did so and the sparrow tumbled dead from the roof to the ground. I was dumbfounded, I never thought I would kill the bird! Why? I have no idea but one thing I can say I should that I never knowingly killed another bird since and I’ve made a point of feeding them over the years. The point being that I was sorry for what I’d done, really and truly sorry and so I didn’t repeat that sin.
I understand that there are other sins which are far harder to correct but if I go to confessions and I confess a sin repeatedly…well I have to ask myself how sorry I am.
 
anon10271182 said:
I’m a big believer in screened confessionals.
Click to expand...
I am, now, too. 😉
woolycaterpillar said:
Actually, being in the doghouse is a good thing. I like dogs.
Click to expand...
Truly! I’d rather be in the doghouse with my dogs than in a mansion with some people. I totally get this 😉
LittleFlower said:
et time heal my fear
Click to expand...
I think that’s great and a good model to follow. Thanks!
JoeFreedom said:
And so far all we have is one side of the story.
Click to expand...
I’m really not sure why you feel I’ve attacked this priest personally. I said I felt he had a harshness towards me that was unpleasant and I had a negative reaction to it. I also have to wonder if you’ve read my replies and my resolutions as I’ve processed the information…I think I’ve expressed fairly well that this is MY reaction and MY issue and I will not go to that confessor again for MY personal reasons. Father will continue to act in the confessional as he is led and I will choose my confessor as I am led. I do not see this as an issue where one is compelled to “take sides”. I think that view sets it up as right and wrong, good and bad, black and white and I don’t see it as any of those things. You seem to feel differently.
JoeFreedom said:
Has the OP even considered she might have taken things out of context. Has she considered that maybe she’s been confessing the same things over and over and the priest is trying to get her to stop.
Click to expand...
Of course I have. I am a sinner and I do not always behave as I should. In fact, I am positive that Father’s intention was for me to stop sinning. I am saying that I am not comfortable with his style. If you want to make it about “sides”, then Father has his right to execute his duties in the confessional any way he wants on “his side” and I have the right to seek out the confessor I believe leads me closest to Christ and following His commands on “my side”. I believe, however, that this issue is not best addressed by taking sides. Rather, a discussion of experiences and personal reactions and actions taken as a result seems to me to be the best outcome.

Peace to you.
Peeps said:
just the opposite effect.
Click to expand...
Agreed.
Lee1 said:
well I have to ask myself how sorry I am.
Click to expand...
This is definitely a legitimate point. However,while repeated sin could be a sign of lack of remorse, it doesn’t have to be. Great saints have confessed, publicly, repeated sin. Were they truly unrepentant or were they struggling? I think repeated sin can be a sign of lackadaisical faith or it could be a sign of someone in the middle of a struggle with something particularly difficult. If the trajectory of sin avoidance was a straight line up, nobody would backslide. We all struggle in different ways.
 
I’ve had a priest tell me I go too frequently (once a week) and that I need to be cautious about abusing the sacrament. Which at first I thought, how could anyone abuse this?! Then I realized that some people might willingly sin thinking, ‘oh hey, i can just go to confession and I’m good, no worries.’

I hadn’t even thought about that, but I can certainly see that now.

Also, the same priest gave me an odd penance. He told me I needed to communicate with my wife better and to tell her I love her…why not just a couple Our Fathers and Hail Mary’s? ah well.

I know another priest gave my wife bad advice. She asked about getting her tubes tied and the priest said that’d be ok. WHAT!!! My wife has been wanting to do this and I feared that she was going to run with it since…you know, a priest said it was fine. He said it was ok because we’ve already been open to life since we already have a couple kids. I suggested we get a second opinion and she was ok with that. Phew.

Luckily, (and I heard this on Catholic Answers Live yesterday from a downloaded show) we are still forgiven regardless of the holiness of the confessor.

Don’t get to upset if you get an angry priest or a berating one. Pray for him and all priests.

God Bless.
 
I expect you’re right but I would find it interesting to know what sins a few great saints couldn’t overcome? Sins to do with bodily appetites I understand are extremely difficult to subdue but sins to do with the ego/personality perhaps can be controlled by pausing before reacting. After all we know that our future Life depends on it.
 
Lee1 said:
I expect you’re right but I would find it interesting to know what sins a few great saints couldn’t overcome?
Click to expand...
If you are aware of saints who overcame repeated habits it is because you have knowledge of the totality of their lives on Earth. My life, I hope, is not over and I continue to fight, struggle and call on the Lord to help me to conquer sin, even repeated sin. Additionally, it is not lack of sin that makes on a saint…it is relying on the grace of God and the sacraments that brings one to Heaven, albeit most likely through Purgatory.
Lee1 said:
Sins to do with bodily appetites I understand are extremely difficult to subdue but sins to do with the ego/personality perhaps can be controlled by pausing before reacting.
Click to expand...
I’m not keen to make public exposition of my sins, as I’m sure you understand. Suffice it to say that I have made progress along a rocky trajectory as have many others, including many saints. I still have a ways to go and I recognize that. I just do not agree that falling into sin repeatedly, even the same sin, indicates lack of remorse. If this were true, than anybody who had a repeated sin would also be guilty of a lack of remorse and/or presumption.
 
I do not expect anyone to tell me their sins and I would not tell mine unless they are venial ones. I just can’t help thinking that if Jesus appeared to me now and spoke to me that I would feel differently about my sins. The only difference then is one of Faith, is it not, since if we truly believe then we also believe in what He said about the wages of sin are death, death to the spirit of course. And yes if one is truly remorseful about a sin which separates us from God …then we should expect it not to be repeated.

I know that not all saints were perfect obviously, St Pio once said “ we don’t have to be perfect, just willing.” I understand really, my point is yes, we should accept that we will never be perfect like Our Lord Jesus but not accept our flaws and subsequent sins, forgiving ourselves when forgiveness is to come from elsewhere.

I’m not interested in an intellectual argument about this matter I’m actually trying to keep it simple.
 
Last edited:
The behavior of the priest, as you describe it, is utterly unacceptable. But let me say with complete confidence that the priest’s behavior had nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HIM. Likely, what you experienced is the least of his problems as a priest.

I, too, have seen clergy behaving badly in the box. In each case, I saw those men eventually leave the priesthood, some by choice, others by scandal or outright dismissal.

You might consider reporting this to the priest’s personnel office of your diocese by letter. In that way, it might documented and hopefully addressed so that others might be spared such a bad experience. No one should have to endure such abuse in seeking God’s mercy.
 
Last edited:
I believe that is called the sin of presumption – when someone sins casually, and just thinks, “oh well, I’ll just confess it later”.
 
I taught parochial middle school today, didn’t have to wield the ruler once.
Sometimes just showing it is all it takes, lol!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top