Preventing Family breakups: Inheritance to Children - Catholic Guidance?

[Bonnie]

But there are genuinely items that have sentimental value for family, but the way to figure out which ones those are is to TALK to them.

Yep - talked with both kids. Both said to get rid of the “junk.” At least our son is interested in my dad’s WWII stuff, so that will stay in the family. For a few things I’m going to check with the one niece & the nephews, but I think I’ll get the same lack of interest. There is no value in most of the items except my own memories.

 

[pianistclare]

It’s been my experience that people only get hurt when others who have access to the ill relative begin helping themselves to “stuff” before the person even dies or reveals their wishes. A person who is afraid of dying soon has no willpower to say to people, “no don’t take that! I want it to go to so and so!” They shrug and are sad that people are grabbing their things.

 

[skigirl1689]

It’s been my experience that people only get hurt when others who have access to the ill relative begin helping themselves to “stuff” before the person even dies or reveals their wishes. A person who is afraid of dying soon has no willpower to say to people, “no don’t take that! I want it to go to so and so!” They shrug and are sad that people are grabbing their things.

Yes, in my experience this is true. Happened in both of my parents’ families when my grandparents passed. My dad’s siblings took 4 years to finally clean out the house. Granted, when his mom died, they had to find a place for my mentally disabled aunt who always lived at home, and there were never plans made for her. But things tended to “disappear” pretty soon after my grandma died. I hope I don’t get too attached to the things my parents will leave behind. I’d rather preserve my relationships with my siblings.

As to inheritance, my feeling is split it equally, if anything is left to the kids; I feel I have no right to anything my parents leave behind. This only should be disregarded if there is a child with a disability, even if he or she is an adult. A lot of families use a special trust and put aside more funds for the child’s care. I have a disability so I know way more about these issues than I’d like to.

 

[styrgwillidar]

With farms it is more likely “given” to the sibling not because he is the “favorite” but because he is the one and stayed behind as free labor for 25 years with the understanding that transfer of assets such as shares in the farm was his compensation.

I see a thread running through your posts which point to ‘unfairness’ and ‘favoritism’ but which are based on assumptions and what appears to be a fair amount of manipulation by your kids. Whining about not getting a new bike gets you NO bike in my book, and a poor kid at St Vincent de Paul Society gets the bike.

My father used to tell us not to plan on getting anything-his plan was to spend his last dollar on his last day.

He saw some horrible family fights over inheritances. One over a family farm. 3 sisters and a brother, the brother went to war, came back and helped his mother run the family farm for many years. Worked very hard. His sisters all married well and had a lot of money. Mother left them some family heirlooms, jewelry etc. things she thought would have meaning to them- but she left the farm to the brother who’d worked it, and at that point had no other way to make a living. See, the farm only took in enough to support them not enough for him to have gotten other training, or saved enough to buy his own farm. Mother thought that was fair. Sisters all sued the brother, my father had to testify at the hearings. Left a very bad taste in his mouth.

I was very proud of my siblings. There are 6 of us, when Mom passed there was no fighting at all, no challenging of the executor/trustee’s decisions. Just settled things, some discussion and back and forth trade-offs over some specific things of interest to some of us. No hard feelings- but then, based on what Dad had always said we really didn’t expect to receive anything, just glad mom’s money had lasted long enough that she’d been able to live comfortably until her death.

Told my kids the same thing- don’t plan on an inheritance. I’ll be doing my best to spend everything myself- I’ll certainly have spent enough on them through the completion of college. Lot of places I want to see and things I want to do that I’ve been putting off while raising them.

 

[Book_Worm]

My parents were separated, not divorced, when my DF died. I was 14-15. One day a couple of years later, I found his life insurance policy naming HIS DM as beneficiary. (He died suddenly and had made no other provisions for my financial security.).

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. One last reminder from beyond the grave of how little he cared about me.

 

[styrgwillidar]

My parents were separated, not divorced, when my DF died. I was 14-15. One day a couple of years later, I found his life insurance policy naming HIS DM as beneficiary. (He died suddenly and had made no other provisions for my financial security.).

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. One last reminder from beyond the grave of how little he cared about me.

I’m sorry. He may have been a procrastinator, it may have been an oversight, no way to know what he was thinking. I do know that in the Navy/military it isn’t uncommon to find out that a service member failed to update their insurance to their current spouse as it still lists an ex or other relative. Government is bound to pay in accordance with the listed beneficiary.

 

[styrgwillidar]

As to inheritance, my feeling is split it equally, if anything is left to the kids; I feel I have no right to anything my parents leave behind. This only should be disregarded if there is a child with a disability, even if he or she is an adult. A lot of families use a special trust and put aside more funds for the child’s care. I have a disability so I know way more about these issues than I’d like to.

Well, my kid are still youngish- high school/college. Sat them all down and explained if I die in the near future, everything goes in a trust and they don’t get equal shares. Trustee will ensure they all get the opportunity to complete college/vocational training, whatever that takes. When youngest completes, then and only then does the house get sold and any remaining funds disbursed equally. No way to be fair- they’ll be at different ages/stages when they get the funds but I want the youngest to have the same opportunity the older ones had to live at home and commute to college.

 

[pianistclare]

In Ireland, if a farm is left behind, then the farm is valued by the state, and the siblings are told to decide who wants it. The one receiving the farm in the end, pays the value to the remaining siblings (minus his portion). The siblings are free to waive any payments and simply sign off, but they must come to a mutual agreement. All this before any deeds are changed.
My husband’s father had the chance to get a beautiful 3 story house on one of the largest lakes in Ireland. One of the siblings had just married, so the other 9, who all had small farms or lived abroad in the UK simply signed it over to uncle Martin.
They never dreamed it would have the value it does today, and they were happy to give Martin the chance.
Every time I see it, I sigh. It’s lovely. But, they did the right thing.
In the case of persons with no heirs, they go by the will which may name another non-related party, or it goes to the state. Two elderly gentlemen in the village left their huge farm to a cousin of my husband whose only connection was that she visited the men in their old age often. The struggling niece was not given anything, and she had been their housekeeper and cook for years and never asked for a dime in return.
But she was out of luck. Seems we you can never tell what a person is going to do in advance. The young girl had no idea she was inheriting anything. She herself is very wealthy, and was kind of embarrassed. Not enough to sign it over to the niece though.
Caused quite the stir in the village. I can imagine it does break up families when poorly managed.

 

[Xantippe]

My father used to tell us not to plan on getting anything-his plan was to spend his last dollar on his last day.

He saw some horrible family fights over inheritances. One over a family farm. 3 sisters and a brother, the brother went to war, came back and helped his mother run the family farm for many years. Worked very hard. His sisters all married well and had a lot of money. Mother left them some family heirlooms, jewelry etc. things she thought would have meaning to them- but she left the farm to the brother who’d worked it, and at that point had no other way to make a living. See, the farm only took in enough to support them not enough for him to have gotten other training, or saved enough to buy his own farm. Mother thought that was fair. Sisters all sued the brother, my father had to testify at the hearings. Left a very bad taste in his mouth.

I was very proud of my siblings. There are 6 of us, when Mom passed there was no fighting at all, no challenging of the executor/trustee’s decisions. Just settled things, some discussion and back and forth trade-offs over some specific things of interest to some of us. No hard feelings- but then, based on what Dad had always said we really didn’t expect to receive anything, just glad mom’s money had lasted long enough that she’d been able to live comfortably until her death.

Told my kids the same thing- don’t plan on an inheritance. I’ll be doing my best to spend everything myself- I’ll certainly have spent enough on them through the completion of college. Lot of places I want to see and things I want to do that I’ve been putting off while raising them.

The farm thing should have been explained to all of the siblings well in advance. It was kind of chicken of mom to not spell things out earlier to the daughters.

There are a number of farms in my family, and as I have not chosen to farm, I cannot reasonably expect to inherit a piece of them. (The family has by now a pattern of farm land generally going to…farmers.) When you start cutting up farms into pieces and do that over several generations (with four kids every generation 1,000 acres goes to 250 acres goes to 62 acres goes to 15 acres goes to 4 acres), you wind up with unusable pieces of land suitable only for opening a trailer park. So, trying to be philosophical here.

With regard to inheritances and timing, I think a lot of people are getting large inheritances in their 60s, when a smaller sum in their 40s would have been much more helpful.

 

[EasterJoy]

Being a parent of several similar aged kids, I use to try to get away with unequal distributions of things (because it was my right and allowed me to keep a few more cookies in the cookie jar for me, so to speak) until I couldn’t handle the fighting, anger, bellowing, finger-pointing any longer. Now - within reason - my wife and I try to distribute most things fairly and when we don’t, we set understandable expectations (avoiding favoritism, abuse, selfishness) such as “the oldest kid gets a new bike because he grew and the old smaller bikes are still in great condition”.

From experiencing my kids - I truly see “fairness” is indeed a natural law that is tied closely to the Golden Rule.

With regard to distributing anything to my kids in our Will, I would personally fear God’s reproach in the afterlife if I didn’t make every effort to be justly fair in my distribution of whatever I give to them - given that this surely can provoke even adult children to sin and sin greatly.

Make out a will and get a professional executor that is not one of your children. Honestly, in your place, if my children were grown I would tell them that I have arranged for an executor who is going to charge some percentage of the estate to discharge his duties, and tell them they can thank themselves for that. If they were not grown, I’d tell them that I currently have someone who is willing to do it for gratis, but if they don’t get over their whining I will arrange someone more expensive in order to ensure “fairness” when I die.

After that, remember that you cannot “provoke” a child to greed. The plain meaning of the Scriptures would indicate that it is your children, and not you, who would be reproved for their sin:

Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to share the inheritance with me.” He replied to him, “Friend, who appointed me as your judge and arbitrator?” Then he said to the crowd, “Take care to guard against all greed, for though one may be rich, one’s life does not consist of possessions.” Luke 12:13-15

We used to do our best to cut pieces of cake evenly, but if there were complaints about “fairness,” we’d cut a little off of both pieces, in order to make things even. The other thing we’d do is to cut ourselves the smallest pieces, and offer to trade with the child who was complaining. If there is penalty for “bellowing” from somebody who ought to be showing some gratitude, instead, you get a lot less of it.

As for our will, we let our children know that our things are our things, our children are being raised and educated at no expense to themselves, and they aren’t entitled to a thing after that. What they get will be pure gift, if they get anything, and since they have already gotten more than most children on this planet ever get from their parents, gratitude precludes complaining that their good fortune in this life has been too little. The truth of it is that most of us in “advanced countries” ought to be concerned about showing what good we’ve done with our good fortune, and not whether we got our part of the pie our parents left behind.

 

[Xantippe]

Proverbs 13:22 says, “A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, but the sinner’s wealth is laid up for the righteous.”

 

[Book_Worm]

I’m sorry. He may have been a procrastinator, it may have been an oversight, no way to know what he was thinking. I do know that in the Navy/military it isn’t uncommon to find out that a service member failed to update their insurance to their current spouse as it still lists an ex or other relative. Government is bound to pay in accordance with the listed beneficiary.

Nope. It was deliberate and part of a pattern. Even that long ago, $1/day wasn’t nearly adequate support. My DGM lived with her unmarried son. She had an income, and he also provided support.

Once they separated, I never received as much as a birthday or Christmas card for them. Years later I wondered if the fact that my DM was Catholic influenced their attitudes. At any rate, I lost track of them many years ago. It’s very sad.

 

[pensmama87]

We used to do our best to cut pieces of cake evenly, but if there were complaints about “fairness,” we’d cut a little off of both pieces, in order to make things even. The other thing we’d do is to cut ourselves the smallest pieces, and offer to trade with the child who was complaining.

That is genius. I’m saving that idea!

Once we were old enough to cut ourselves, my mom had a rule that whoever cut did not get to pick their piece. That mostly worked, but unfortunately some of us (ahem, I may have been one of them ) were able to trick younger siblings into picking smaller pieces after we’d already done the cutting.

 

[pianistclare]

The farm thing should have been explained to all of the siblings well in advance. It was kind of chicken of mom to not spell things out earlier to the daughters.

There are a number of farms in my family, and as I have not chosen to farm, I cannot reasonably expect to inherit a piece of them. (The family has by now a pattern of farm land generally going to…farmers.) When you start cutting up farms into pieces and do that over several generations (with four kids every generation 1,000 acres goes to 250 acres goes to 62 acres goes to 15 acres goes to 4 acres), you wind up with unusable pieces of land suitable only for opening a trailer park. So, trying to be philosophical here.

With regard to inheritances and timing, I think a lot of people are getting large inheritances in their 60s, when a smaller sum in their 40s would have been much more helpful.

In County Mayo Ireland, you cannot spilt up a farm anyway.
You can will or give a site for a home to someone on the farm property, but you can’t divide it up into segments. You can’t even sell off a piece to a neighbor without going through a huge hassle with the local authorities, who generally deny it. They only allow farm rentals.

 

[skigirl1689]

Well, my kid are still youngish- high school/college. Sat them all down and explained if I die in the near future, everything goes in a trust and they don’t get equal shares. Trustee will ensure they all get the opportunity to complete college/vocational training, whatever that takes. When youngest completes, then and only then does the house get sold and any remaining funds disbursed equally. No way to be fair- they’ll be at different ages/stages when they get the funds but I want the youngest to have the same opportunity the older ones had to live at home and commute to college.

I completely understand and agree with you…I was trying to say if the kids are grown and there are no other mitigating circumstances, one child shouldn’t be favored over another just because they were a favorite. I know that happens and just think it pulls the siblings apart. I know a family of 7 kids, but one technically got more as he took over the family farm, but it made sense as no one else wanted to or could take over the farm.

 

[pianistclare]

That is genius. I’m saving that idea!

Once we were old enough to cut ourselves, my mom had a rule that whoever cut did not get to pick their piece. That mostly worked, but unfortunately some of us (ahem, I may have been one of them ) were able to trick younger siblings into picking smaller pieces after we’d already done the cutting.

Cupcakes.
Identically decorated.
FTW.