Previous marriage and becoming catholic

[jaslines]

Hello,
I don’t know if this is the right forum to ask about this.

My husband and I have both been married before. He has three children that I have a wonderful relationship with. His ex-wife is also remarried. We both feel stongly about our faith and have been searching for a church where we feel “at home” and have felt a calling to the Catholic church for quite a while now.

I’ve been told it might be impossible for us to become Catholic because of our past decisions. Is this true? We have not visited a parish and am not sure who to go to.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Who told you this?

You need to go see a priest, and talk with him. If he gives you a lot of grief, see another priest.

I can’t say for sure that it will be a short process, but you both certainly can become Catholics. It might take awhile because of the tribunal procedure for a decree of nullity (anullment) for each of you (and no, they don’t cost a ton of money), and there are no guarantees of course that you will receive one.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Hello,
I don’t know if this is the right forum to ask about this.

My husband and I have both been married before. He has three children that I have a wonderful relationship with. His ex-wife is also remarried. We both feel stongly about our faith and have been searching for a church where we feel “at home” and have felt a calling to the Catholic church for quite a while now.

I’ve been told it might be impossible for us to become Catholic because of our past decisions. Is this true? We have not visited a parish and am not sure who to go to.

Well the first place to go is the local parish and lay out the Marriage situation for the pastor. It’s not impossible, but it’s also not an easy road.

 

[quiet52]

Anyone may attend Mass – Catholic and non-Catholic. But in the eyes of the Church, you are still married to your first spouse, unless the Church finds that the marriage was not valid to begin with. You need to file a petition of nullity (more commonly known as an annulment petition). But it’s not automatically approved – there must be certain grounds for approving an annulment. So, yes, it is true that you might not be able to join the Church, if the Marriage Tribunal denies your petitions of nullity.

Please make an appointment with the pastor, for you and your husband to talk to him about this, so that he can get the process started for you.

Also, leave a message for the RCIA leader to call you! You do not need to wait for an annulment to learn about the faith. I have known people who may never become Catholic, but who have attended mass weekly for years, and have even participated in their parish activities.

 

[agapewolf]

Anyone may attend Mass – Catholic and non-Catholic. But in the eyes of the Church, you are still married to your first spouse, unless the Church finds that the marriage was not valid to begin with. You need to file a petition of nullity (more commonly known as an annulment petition). But it’s not automatically approved – there must be certain grounds for approving an annulment. So, yes, it is true that you might not be able to join the Church, if the Marriage Tribunal denies your petitions of nullity.

Please make an appointment with the pastor, for you and your husband to talk to him about this, so that he can get the process started for you.

Also, leave a message for the RCIA leader to call you! You do not need to wait for an annulment to learn about the faith. I have known people who may never become Catholic, but who have attended mass weekly for years, and have even participated in their parish activities.

You forgot a very important option.

If the annullment of the previous marriages were denied, thus making them valid marriages, The OP CAN still become Catholic, however, could not live as husband and wife with her civil husband. They would have to live as brother and sister.

We can’t love anyone more than God (including our spouses)…This may seem like a proposterous option, however, if God is calling someone to His Church and the sacraments, who are we to ignore that call? The sacraments will provide the grace necessary.

 

[Kielbasi]

You forgot a very important option.

If the annullment of the previous marriages were denied, thus making them valid marriages, The OP CAN still become Catholic, however, could not live as husband and wife with her civil husband. They would have to live as brother and sister.

.

Or of course they could just separate.

I love my siblings, but I wouldn’t want to actually live with them and only would do so under the most extreme circumstances.

 

[1ke]

I’ve been told it might be impossible for us to become Catholic because of our past decisions. Is this true? We have not visited a parish and am not sure who to go to.

Nothing is “impossible”.

First, you need to visit your local parish. Make an appointment with the RCIA director and/or priest. Just call the parish and asks whoever answers to put you in touch with the person in charge of convert classes.

Lay out all the facts. They will then guide you as to what you need to do, step by step.

There are many, many variables here including which parties were baptized, age, religion, consent, intent, etc. No one here can give you any sort of definitive answer regarding validity of the prior marriages. But your priest will guide you through everything.

I do recommend the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster, which gives a great detailed study in an easy-to-read format regarding all aspects of Marriage from the Catholic point of view.

 

[JRKH]

I agree with the other posters about seeing a priest (or deacon) who is well versed in the Canons regarding marriage issues.
Of course we don’t have enough inforamtion to give any additional guidance.

From my own experience (revert), the Church will do everything possible to help. Just be honest and up front with your councilor

True it isn’t an easy road, but it is well worth the effort.

May God Bless your Journey

James

 

[jaslines]

Anyone may attend Mass – Catholic and non-Catholic. But in the eyes of the Church, you are still married to your first spouse, unless the Church finds that the marriage was not valid to begin with. You need to file a petition of nullity (more commonly known as an annulment petition). But it’s not automatically approved – there must be certain grounds for approving an annulment. So, yes, it is true that you might not be able to join the Church, if the Marriage Tribunal denies your petitions of nullity.

Please make an appointment with the pastor, for you and your husband to talk to him about this, so that he can get the process started for you.

Also, leave a message for the RCIA leader to call you! You do not need to wait for an annulment to learn about the faith. I have known people who may never become Catholic, but who have attended mass weekly for years, and have even participated in their parish activities.

 

[jaslines]

Thank you all for your responses! To answer a couple of items:

We were actually told by a couple who we have been friends with for a short while and who are Catholic that our past marriages will be probably impossible to get annulled. I would have to contact my ex whom I haven’t had any relationship with for over 10 years and my husbands ex is extremely unfriendly and is against us going to church. I suppose that is why they feel that it would not be possible for us to convert. The wife feels we would offend if we attended Mass and we could not participate in communion. I must say, this made me feel very sad and worried.

I was baptized as a Catholic when I was an infant, however my parents at some point decided they were completely against the church and never returned. Both of my parents grew up as Catholics. I grew up going to many different churches as my mother had difficulties feeling comfortable with most congregations (VERY long story there…) When I was in 6th grade, we joined a Baptist church in Missouri and were baptized in order to become members. I have felt a calling to the church since I was a teenager, but just never had the courage to follow through.

My husband did not grow up going to church and has never been baptized. We have gone to a Methodist church this past year, but we are still feeling like we are missing where we belong.

My feeling is simple…if we are feeling called to the church, then it IS possible. We may have to go through a great deal to get there, but if it is where we belong then it can happen. We might feel nervous or concerned about the process, but we do not feel afraid of it. I am going to contact the local parish and make an appointment with the priest there. I will also inquire about RCIA.

Reading the responses has given me reassurance to proceed although I do realize ours is probably a very complicated situation. We are looking for support and prayers which is why I joined this site!

 

[jaslines]

sorry for the accidental post of one of the responses…I was intending to reply…

 

[1ke]

We were actually told by a couple who we have been friends with for a short while and who are Catholic that our past marriages will be probably impossible to get annulled.

You need to get your info from the tribunal advocate.

Honestly, most Catholics don’t know squat about the marriage tribunal or nullity process. Those of us here know one smidge more than squat (except for a couple of actual canon lawyers who post here).

I would have to contact my ex whom I haven’t had any relationship with for over 10 years and my husbands ex is extremely unfriendly and is against us going to church. I suppose that is why they feel that it would not be possible for us to convert. The wife feels we would offend if we attended Mass and we could not participate in communion. I must say, this made me feel very sad and worried.

You do not have to contact anyone. You give the info to the tribunal and they will attempt to make contact. If there is no response or they cannot locate your ex, the process can still move forward.

It certainly makes the case more complete if they can get info from your ex, but it’s not necessary.

I was baptized as a Catholic when I was an infant, however my parents at some point decided they were completely against the church and never returned. Both of my parents grew up as Catholics. I grew up going to many different churches as my mother had difficulties feeling comfortable with most congregations (VERY long story there…) When I was in 6th grade, we joined a Baptist church in Missouri and were baptized in order to become members. I have felt a calling to the church since I was a teenager, but just never had the courage to follow through.

Your case may be much simpler than you think. As a baptized Catholic (even though you weren’t raised Catholic) you are under Canon Law jurisdiction. If your first marriage was prior to 1983 you are under the old canon law, and if after 1983 under the new-- but either way, you may have a simple lack of form. I say “may” because the compentent authority really needs to look at your case.

My husband did not grow up going to church and has never been baptized. We have gone to a Methodist church this past year, but we are still feeling like we are missing where we belong.

As an unbaptized person-- who is now seeking baptism-- he may have several avenues regarding his first marriage including a nullity petition or the Pauline Privilege (or maybe the Petrine depending on circumstances).

Reading the responses has given me reassurance to proceed although I do realize ours is probably a very complicated situation. We are looking for support and prayers which is why I joined this site!

Just take it one step at a time.

 

[JRKH]

We were actually told by a couple who we have been friends with for a short while and who are Catholic that our past marriages will be probably impossible to get annulled. I would have to contact my ex whom I haven’t had any relationship with for over 10 years and my husbands ex is extremely unfriendly and is against us going to church. I suppose that is why they feel that it would not be possible for us to convert. The wife feels we would offend if we attended Mass and we could not participate in communion. I must say, this made me feel very sad and worried.

Forget what the others have said. Get in touch with someone who understands the process.
As far as the ex spouses are concerned, don’t worry about what they think. It really doesn’t matter. They could possibly slow down an annulment but they can’t actually prevent one.

An annulment is totaly unlike a divorce. It looks at the validity of the origional marriage from a number of perspectives having to do with the mental, spiritual, marital condition of the participants at the time of the marriage as well as the actual form of the marriage.
Another point is that it is YOU who are asking for the annulment, not your ex.
In all honesty I spent years believing my first marriage could not be annulled, but when I finally tried it went through without a hitch.
If you google catholic annulment you will find a number of websites to get information.
But nothing beats talking to a knowledgable, compasionate councilor.

My feeling is simple…if we are feeling called to the church, then it IS possible. We may have to go through a great deal to get there, but if it is where we belong then it can happen. We might feel nervous or concerned about the process, but we do not feel afraid of it. I am going to contact the local parish and make an appointment with the priest there. I will also inquire about RCIA

.

You are exactly right!! The thing to remember is that the Holy Spirit cannot be rushed. God works in His own time. Keep praying and pursuing you will know when things feel right.
If you wish to contact me via PM please feel free to do so. I will be happy to share more specifics from my own experience.

Reading the responses has given me reassurance to proceed although I do realize ours is probably a very complicated situation. We are looking for support and prayers which is why I joined this site!

You got 'em

James

 

[jaslines]

Thank you 1ke and James. Your responses were very reassuring. James, I will contact you via PM. I appreciate your willingness to talk about this.

It has been so funny to hear all of the different reactions to those I have talked to. Actually, last evening a friend shared with me that he was previously married and it was annulled quickly as he was not married in the church.

Do either of you know if I would need to find documentation on my baptism? I really don’t have any communication with my parents (who will just flip if I ask them). I don’t think they would have anything anyway. Would the church be able to find this out for me?

 

[1ke]

Do either of you know if I would need to find documentation on my baptism? I really don’t have any communication with my parents (who will just flip if I ask them). I don’t think they would have anything anyway. Would the church be able to find this out for me?

Yes, you would need proof of your baptism.

If you start with the city and state where you lived as an infant, you can call the diocese (some dioceses have consolidated Sacramental records, others do not) and then start calling parishes.

Of course getting the info from your parents would be easiest, but if that’s not possible then let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages one parish at a time.

Your current diocese might be able to help, but I think they’d need at least the parish name and then they can request your records.

 

[jmcrae]

Forget what the others have said. Get in touch with someone who understands the process.
As far as the ex spouses are concerned, don’t worry about what they think. It really doesn’t matter. They could possibly slow down an annulment but they can’t actually prevent one.

The only thing they could do to prevent it would be to take you back and live with you as husband/wife - and under the circumstances, I’m not thinking that’s very likely.

 

[JRKH]

Thank you 1ke and James. Your responses were very reassuring. James, I will contact you via PM. I appreciate your willingness to talk about this.

It has been so funny to hear all of the different reactions to those I have talked to. Actually, last evening a friend shared with me that he was previously married and it was annulled quickly as he was not married in the church.

Do either of you know if I would need to find documentation on my baptism? I really don’t have any communication with my parents (who will just flip if I ask them). I don’t think they would have anything anyway. Would the church be able to find this out for me?

I did need proof of baptism, but of course I was born and baptized Catholic. I’m not sure about the requirements if you are coming from another denomination. Again it would be a question for your councilor.

We just recently had to get a copy of my DW Baptismal cert. We had her birth certificate which had their address at the time. An e-mail to the diocese determined the parish - then an e-mail to the parish got us the copy. Whole thing took about a week, and that only because the secretary at the Parish happened to be on vacation when I e-mailed.

I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless You Both on Your Journey.

James

 

[kettle]

Since you were baptized as a Catholic, it should be quite easy to get a copy of your Baptismal Certificate.

Please heed the advice of those who are encouraging you to get your information on the annulment process from your priest and/or Tribunal. There is an awful lot of mis-information floating around out there being represented as facts. I am in the annulment process right now, and it’s not easy. I will pray for you.