Previously-Catholic Boyfriend

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Meg1555

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I have been dating one of the most wonderful men in the world. He’s kind, open-minded, funny, intimate (the good kind of intimate - we’re both still virgins!), and sensitive to all of my needs. He’s very okay with waiting until marriage for sex, and very okay with Natural Family Planning.

However, he has a troubled past. He was a cradle Catholic like me until he was 10, when his parents divorced. As the oldest of five children and feeling obligated to protect the younger ones from the drama, he struggled a lot to cope with the situation. On top of all of that, his parents were never devout Catholics. They even left the Church because they could not get an annulment, married other people, and my boyfriend has not been to Mass since. While his parents are extremely nice people, they are not any sort of Catholic role models, and my boyfriend became (and still is) rather liberal. For example, he’s pro-LGBT (he is a strong supporter of Bernie Sanders over here in America), though he is pro-life. He doesn’t understand why condoms and birth control are against the Faith, but he says (he SAYS, anyway) that he is very okay with NFP and not using any sort of birth control if we ever marry.

Yes, our love has survived these stressful conversations, and for this I am super grateful. On top of all that, he is considering returning back to the Faith, but he’s extremely hesitant.

For almost six months, I have been offering every weekly Mass I go to just for his conversion and return to the Faith, but I continue to struggle with his cynicism. All too often, I have heard of non-Catholic men leaving devout Catholic women because of religious constraints and being unable to see eye-to-eye, and the fear of that happening to me has become a little too real. Nevertheless, I continue to offer my Mass for him and pray that he will accept Catholicism.

So ultimately, my question is this: do you think that the relationship I have with my boyfriend has enough common ground so that we can continue having a great relationship? Or should I be more careful? I am afraid of giving this relationship 100% of my everything. And even if you do not have advice, prayers for him (and for me - no one is perfect!) would be an absolute blessing. Thank you and God bless. <3
 
Here’s the advice I’ll give you, that I wish I’d had at your age…

Dating is for discernment. You find deal breakers, and that should break the deal not put you in to “fix it” mode.

Deal breakers are all sorts of things-- from smoking, to drugs, to cats, to religion, to where you will live, to… whatever. They are unique to you. Don’t apologize for them. Don’t make excuses for them. Get in touch with who you really are and what your deal breakers really are.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that dating is marriage and that you should “not give up on” the relationship. Hogwash. That is what dating is FOR. Discerning whether or not there is a fit.

If you determine it’s not a good long term fit, dating has been successful.

The more you dig in when you’ve found a dealbreaker and try to overcome it in the name of love, the more you set yourself up to a relationship martyr the rest of your life.

MY #1 deal breaker (once I was mature enough to realize such things existed) was and is the faith. I’m not going to spend my marriage dragging anyone to mass, PO’ed because they didn’t go to mass, arguing about mass, or any other Catholic teaching. Life is too short. I know I want my life centered around my faith and service to the church. I spent almost all of last week at church and my DH was right there with me, helping set up, tear down, and everything in between. That is my vision for my life-- two spouses, working together for Christ.

If it’s your vision too, he might not be the one for you. We can’t tell you that. Only you can decide that.
 
Oh, and I will share that my parents divorced when I was 4, my dad has had 4 wives, I was bounced around to relatives, and I wasn’t even raised Catholic.

So, his divorced-parents-made-me-cynical routine doesn’t find any sympathy with me. Yes, divorce and family of origin issues impact you and sometimes profoundly.

But they don’t **define **you. If you are with someone who lets it DEFINE him, move on.
 
Meg1555 said:
I have been dating one of the most wonderful men in the world. He’s kind, open-minded, funny, intimate (the good kind of intimate - we’re both still virgins!), and sensitive to all of my needs. He’s very okay with waiting until marriage for sex, and very okay with Natural Family Planning.

However, he has a troubled past. He was a cradle Catholic like me until he was 10, when his parents divorced. As the oldest of five children and feeling obligated to protect the younger ones from the drama, he struggled a lot to cope with the situation. On top of all of that, his parents were never devout Catholics. They even left the Church because they could not get an annulment, married other people, and my boyfriend has not been to Mass since. While his parents are extremely nice people, they are not any sort of Catholic role models, and my boyfriend became (and still is) rather liberal. For example, he’s pro-LGBT (he is a strong supporter of Bernie Sanders over here in America), though he is pro-life. He doesn’t understand why condoms and birth control are against the Faith, but he says (he SAYS, anyway) that he is very okay with NFP and not using any sort of birth control if we ever marry.

Yes, our love has survived these stressful conversations, and for this I am super grateful. On top of all that, he is considering returning back to the Faith, but he’s extremely hesitant.

For almost six months, I have been offering every weekly Mass I go to just for his conversion and return to the Faith, but I continue to struggle with his cynicism. All too often, I have heard of non-Catholic men leaving devout Catholic women because of religious constraints and being unable to see eye-to-eye, and the fear of that happening to me has become a little too real. Nevertheless, I continue to offer my Mass for him and pray that he will accept Catholicism.

So ultimately, my question is this: do you think that the relationship I have with my boyfriend has enough common ground so that we can continue having a great relationship? Or should I be more careful? I am afraid of giving this relationship 100% of my everything. And even if you do not have advice, prayers for him (and for me - no one is perfect!) would be an absolute blessing. Thank you and God bless. <3
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Meg,

You have a “hope” strategy. It may work, it may not.

#1) I would talk to him about how important your faith is to you, that you can’t imagine marrying anyone who wasn’t a devoted Catholic. I assume this is true.
  1. Then ask him if he would go to Mass with you every week
  2. Ask that in August, he go through RCIA, and you’ll be his sponsor. It’s not clear from your note whether he was confirmed or not. If he wasn’t, RCIA is perfect. If he was confirmed, RCIA is STILL perfect. Even confirmed, fallen away Catholics can attend RCIA.
  3. It’s a good idea for you (alone) to visit with your local priest and talk to him about your situation. See what advice they have, and if they would support his attending RCIA. RCIA is a terrific way for him to get Catechized, for the two of you to discuss the Catholic faith together, and for him to proceed on the Journey of faith.
I agree with 1ke. I wouldn’t marry anyone who wasn’t Catholic. The Faith is too important to me not to share it completely with my spouse, and to raise our children in like mind. Children not only need a Catholic Mother, but a Catholic Father.
 
1ke said:
Deal breakers are all sorts of things-- from smoking, to drugs, to cats,
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haaah the cats part made me laugh. 😃

To the OP, I think the fact that he was baptized Catholic, has some similar moral views, and is even contemplating coming back to the Church are good indicators. You could suggest RCIA, he’s got months until he’d have to register, if he doesn’t by then you must decide if this is something you could live with. But if you cant, don’t settle.
 
I think 1KE’s response was a good one.

I’m a new convert (baptized Easter 2015) and I’m dating and plan to marry an agnostic who has adamantly stated he will never become Catholic. While obviously I hope he will someday embrace Christ and the Church, his choice not to is not a dealbreaker for me because I trust myself to be able to persevere and continue to be active in my parish with or without him.

However, if he were trying to draw me away from God and the Church, or if I felt his lack of interest would eventually cause my own to falter, those things would be dealbreakers.

Are you willing to go to Mass by yourself every week? Are you willing to disagree at very fundamental levels on politics, and birth control? Do you believe your faith will persevere whether he comes back into the Church or not? These are important questions. You must decide if you accept the situation as it IS, not wish that in the future it might be something different.

My relationship with my fiance pre-dates my becoming Catholic and while not a believer he is supportive of my faith. If, however, we were to break up at this point, I would only consider a relationship with a Catholic man who was active in the Church. The Church is so much a part of my life that it would just be a lot easier to date a man that really understood and was willing to be part of that.
 
Meg, I know that you don’t want to hear this, but don’t consider marriage to a man who doesn’t share your faith.
 
Meg, when you marry, you become responsible for your spouse. It is your job to help get him to heaven, and it’s your job regardless of what faith he does or does not have. When you go through the sacrament of marriage, you are promising this to God. If you had to vacuum a 5000 sf house and you were given the option of using a state-of-the-art vacuum or a hand-held vacuum with a 5-min battery life, which would you pick? If you and your spouse are supposed to get each other to heaven, why pick a road that you KNOW will make this harder?

You are also responsible for the souls of your children. If you are devout yet your husband is not, who will the children follow? Statistically, children are more likely to follow the religious practices of their father.

Marrying this man will put some very big obstacles in your life. Why choose the road that you know will be hard?
 
You know the saying that actions speak louder than words. Your kids will see mommy going to church and dad not. By his actions he will be communicating every Sunday that what mommy believes just is not true. It’s make belief. Like the tooth fairy and Santa Claus coming down the chimney. He won’t have to say a word. And likely over the course of the years, he will say something.

When you have a believing husband, the kids will see a man who makes the effort to go to church. He will show them how respectful he is of God and neighbor. What will your kids absorb when they see him kneel and close his eyes in prayer? Go up respectfully to the Eucharist? Stand in line for confession? When he does the sign of the cross at mealtime, in a restaurant? He will do the sign of the cross on their foreheads at bedtime, every night. When things get hard, and they will, mom and dad will be kneeling together in a prayer corner in the home. When serious illness or injury comes, job loss, car accident, and who knows what else, God will be in your midst.

My husband takes public transit to work, about an hour one way. In that time he does a rosary, Divine Mercy chaplet, and other things. At one point he read through the bible. We’ve seen the power of God in our lives over the years, not only in critical moments but just in every day living. This is what I wish for you. A man of God who whispers in His ear daily. Someone who you will grow in holiness together and raise Godly children.

Expect more in your future spouse! Want more.
Many times in many ways we try to fit a square peg into a round hole and we spend time asking God to make the square peg fit.
 
Meg1555 said:
For almost six months, I have been offering every weekly Mass I go to just for his conversion and return to the Faith,
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It is great that you are offering your mass for him but… that is no guarantee he will ever convert. You good intentions will not circumvent the free will God has given him
 
I agree with the others. I would advise you not to consider marrying him unless and until he converts and shows a real faith. My husband was not religious, but said he would raise the children as Christians. He didn’t oppose baptism, but when push came to shove, he really was not there - it was me alone taking the kids to church. Then he left, and my children have no spiritual guidance from their father whatsoever (except to hear how awful it would be to have to go to church). Faith is just too big an issue to ignore. What if you go through a crisis of faith one day (a distinct possibility when you share your life with a non-believer)? Can you imagine not being able to discuss such an intimate and fundamental part of yourself with your husband? As someone else said, want more for yourself. It is very lonely sitting in that pew without your husband and father of your children.
 
Don’t make the mistake of believing that dating is marriage and that you should “not give up on” the relationship. Hogwash. That is what dating is FOR. Discerning whether or not there is a fit.
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If you determine it’s not a good long term fit, dating has been successful.
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The more you dig in when you’ve found a dealbreaker and try to overcome it in the name of love, the more you set yourself up to a relationship martyr the rest of your life.
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I think that 1ke’s advice is spot-on. Unfortunately, I think modern society’s tendency to blur the lines between dating and marriage, or to see marriage as merely the public recognition of an existing “committed relationship”, has resulted in people really assuming that they have an obligation to spend months or years “making the relationship work”.

Now, I do NOT endorse the extreme, just-short-of-arranged-marriage courtship model that discourages emotional as well as physical intimacy beforehand (and by “physical intimacy” I am referring to kisses and “making out”, not sex). But I do think that the idea of courting/dating as a time for discernment is one that would serve many people, who otherwise seem to think “love” is all that matters. I also don’t think it’s doing your loved one any favors to be a “relationship martyr”.

As to the OP’s dilemma; I think there are 3 choices here:

(1) Accept that the BF may never fully convert, that he may be wind up being the father who never goes to Mass and doesn’t participate in the children’s faith formation, and marry him anyway

(2) Accept the above, and NOT marry him

(3) Keep waiting and hoping and praying that he will change. This may or may not work.

And to those who might bring up St. Monica; she had no choice but to marry the husband she did, and certainly she had no choice whether to be the mother of St. Auggie or not. So the parallel doesn’t completely apply.
 
PennyinCanada said:
You know the saying that actions speak louder than words. Your kids will see mommy going to church and dad not. By his actions he will be communicating every Sunday that what mommy believes just is not true.
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Not necessarily.

My mother, a devout Catholic, married a non-practicing Lutheran. Us kids were raised Catholic and the fact that Dad never went to mass with us (or any other church) was never much of an issue. Dad did convert to Catholicism, but not until we were all adults.
 
1ke said:
Here’s the advice I’ll give you, that I wish I’d had at your age…

Dating is for discernment. You find deal breakers, and that should break the deal not put you in to “fix it” mode.

Deal breakers are all sorts of things-- from smoking, to drugs, to cats, to religion, to where you will live, to… whatever. They are unique to you. Don’t apologize for them. Don’t make excuses for them. Get in touch with who you really are and what your deal breakers really are.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that dating is marriage and that you should “not give up on” the relationship. Hogwash. That is what dating is FOR. Discerning whether or not there is a fit.

If you determine it’s not a good long term fit, dating has been successful.

The more you dig in when you’ve found a dealbreaker and try to overcome it in the name of love, the more you set yourself up to a relationship martyr the rest of your life.

MY #1 deal breaker (once I was mature enough to realize such things existed) was and is the faith. I’m not going to spend my marriage dragging anyone to mass, PO’ed because they didn’t go to mass, arguing about mass, or any other Catholic teaching. Life is too short. I know I want my life centered around my faith and service to the church. I spent almost all of last week at church and my DH was right there with me, helping set up, tear down, and everything in between. That is my vision for my life-- two spouses, working together for Christ.

If it’s your vision too, he might not be the one for you. We can’t tell you that. Only you can decide that.
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This. Pray for him, but understand the above statements.
 
I’m engaged now. But my one deal-breaker would have been the faith.

I wanted to marry someone who was on the same page in terms of faith and who was willing to bring up kids in the faith. I didn’t want to compromise on this. It’s hard enough bringing up kids in the world today without also having to contend with a spouse that doesn’t believe.

The pro-LGBT thing would be a dealbreaker on it’s own. Do you want to marry someone who doesn’t see any value to mothers and fathers. (Believes that two men/women can do just as good a job as gendered parents as long as they “love” the child.)

Unless he’s willing to completely come back to the faith and even accept Church teachings on sexuality and contraception then I’d say let him go.
 
When I was a lapse Catholic or a Catholic in name only, I would have been “mostly” catholic if a good woman wanted it. I won’t begin to promise, but if he is willing to do that for you, then I would think that glimmer is there. If not he may or may not be too far away, at least for now… the full conversion or return home needs a bit more personal touch imo, but if I had found a real life virgin who I had feelings for I’d have at the very least gone to mass with her… I might be wierd though.

And him still being a virgin suggests to me his cynicism has not reached the heights that mine had. Goodluck 🙂
 
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