Priest approval to marry you

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Luckyclovette

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** so, we have always talked about marriage, as many couples do. Why bother dating if you never plan to marry and have a family? I have been very clear that I am Catholic , I attend mass weekly, I pray daily, and will need to raise my children Catholic and I will need to be married in a Catholic church and I won’t have sex until I am married. I found someone who is OK with all these things. He is NOT Catholic. He doesn’t practice any religion. He was baptized Lutheren.

Now we are really talking marriage! And now I am terrified that a priest will not marry us. We live together “as brother and sister” do. We have not been intimate with each other as husband and wife. We sleep in separate bedrooms in the house. I have read many forums where people said they lied about living together so the priest would marry them. I don’t want to lie to the priest!

It is so important to me that we marry in the church. But I am so afraid that the priest will not marry us.

Any insight on my situation?

:confused:

**
 
There should not be a problem since, as you say, you are living as brother and sister. Presuming your fiance wishes to remain non-Catholic, a dispensation (according to can 1124) will be needed for the marriage to take place in the Church – but this dispensation is readily given.

You will need to go through the marriage preparation program established but it is really not a matter of the priest “approving” or not. (I certainly have never thought of it in those terms.) Rather, it is more a matter of establishing that you are both free to marry (no previous marriages) and that you have fulfilled the requirements to be married in the Church.

I would recommend that you begin the process sooner rather than later as the process takes several months. It is much preferable to begin and finish the preparation with a wedding still in the future than to go in expecting it can be done faster than the process envisions. I would suggest yon contact your parish so that you and they can initiate the process.
 
Luckyclovette said:
** so, we have always talked about marriage, as many couples do. Why bother dating if you never plan to marry and have a family? I have been very clear that I am Catholic , I attend mass weekly, I pray daily, and will need to raise my children Catholic and I will need to be married in a Catholic church and I won’t have sex until I am married. I found someone who is OK with all these things. He is NOT Catholic. He doesn’t practice any religion. He was baptized Lutheren.

Now we are really talking marriage! And now I am terrified that a priest will not marry us. We live together “as brother and sister” do. We have not been intimate with each other as husband and wife. We sleep in separate bedrooms in the house. I have read many forums where people said they lied about living together so the priest would marry them. I don’t want to lie to the priest!

It is so important to me that we marry in the church. But I am so afraid that the priest will not marry us.

Any insight on my situation?

:confused:

**
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Are you concerned that the priest will not marry you because he is not Catholic or because you are already living together? I married a non-practicing Lutheran and there was no problem. The priest may require one of you to move out for a few months, until the wedding; figure out how to do that and get married.
 
Don_Ruggero said:
There should not be a problem since, as you say, you are living as brother and sister. Presuming your fiance wishes to remain non-Catholic, a dispensation (according to can 1124) will be needed for the marriage to take place in the Church – but this dispensation is readily given.
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Since he’s Lutheran it would be “permission” rather than a “dispensation”, which is only required to marry a non-baptized person. In many dioceses, such as mine, the Bishop give his priests the faculty to grant this permission. I’ve never known it to be denied.
 
Even living together as brother and sister is not permitted unless extenuating circumstances such as the couple has a child.

If it’s done for financial reasons there is the issue of whether or not both parties are freely entering into marriage, or if there is some aspect of financial security involved.
 
** I am concerned about both: him not being a practicing Christian of any sorts AND that we live together. But we truly live together as “brother & sister.” Most folks in this day and age wouldn’t believe that. I feel that if the priest asks if we live together, it is as though it is “assumed.”

I’ve heard of people lying about their addresses so the priest would not refuse to marry them. As I said, I don’t want to lie to the priest! I wish there was a forum where I could anonymously talk to a priest. The priest will know once we both write down the same address.

So, I am way more concerned about the living together part. **
 
Gertabelle said:
Talk to your priest and be truthful.
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Luckyclovette:

Congratulations on your nuptials. I would talk to your priest, and you probably know this already, make sure you make an appointment with him in his office to discuss your situation. I would not bring this up in the narthex after Sunday Mass, mostly because after Mass the priest is so busy with parishioners saying hello and getting through the Sunday activities.

Like some other posters said, it’s not uncommon to seek permission to marry a non-Catholic. I know many good, long-lasting marriages where a Catholic who participates in the life of the Church is married to a non-Catholic. I even have some Brother Knights who are in this situation.

Good luck!
 
Luckyclovette said:
** I am concerned about both: him not being a practicing Christian of any sorts AND that we live together. But we truly live together as “brother & sister.” Most folks in this day and age wouldn’t believe that. I feel that if the priest asks if we live together, it is as though it is “assumed.”

I’ve heard of people lying about their addresses so the priest would not refuse to marry them. As I said, I don’t want to lie to the priest! I wish there was a forum where I could anonymously talk to a priest. The priest will know once we both write down the same address.

So, I am way more concerned about the living together part. **
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You may want to do a search on this sight to see if your questions have been asked. Or you may want to post in the ask an apologist forum.

However, the easiest thing for you to do is make an appointment and talk to your parish priest. I applaud you for wanting to do the right thing, but you need to find out from him what that would be. Tell him your concerns. He may ask why you are living together. You need’nt tell us. He will tell you all that you need to know and do.
 
**Truth be told, moving in together seemed like what was going to work best financially. I know, I cringe right now. There is a spare room and it is like a roommate situation. We are on a date downstairs and we separate when going upstairs (I know that sounds weird). He does his own laundry, I do my own laundry. He does his dishes and I do my dishes. He has “his room” and I have mine. I am not sure where I am going with this. **

Living together for financial reason, Deo Gratias42 said:
Deo_Gratias42 said:
Even living together as brother and sister is not permitted unless extenuating circumstances such as the couple has a child.

If it’s done for financial reasons there is the issue of whether or not both parties are freely entering into marriage, or if there is some aspect of financial security involved.
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**I own the home. We have always spoken about getting married. The way we thought about it was that the money would go into paying off the home sooner rather than “wasting” money for rent.

I would never marry for “financial security.” And of course I would be “freely” entering into a marriage.

I am fearful to even approach a priest at this point. If the priest tells us he won’t marry us, then I have to see him every Sunday at mass and feel ashamed or I have to change to a different parish.

Yes - I did post this in the wrong forum and now I don’t know how to change it. **
 
First of all, just be honest with him.

Many times in preparation for marriage, people have lied to me, or if not outright lied, were otherwise dishonest. That always leads to more problems. Too many times I have said “if you just told me the truth from the start, we wouldn’t have this problem now.”

Living together is not a reason to deny a couple the opportunity to marry. In fact, if anything, it would be a reason for them to marry because it’s better for a couple to live in the Sacrament of Marriage than to live in a state of sin. Now, I’m not saying that you are living in such a state, I’m merely speaking in general terms. On the other hand, (and in contrast) a priest does want to make sure that the couple is marrying for the right reasons, and not just for the sake of appearances or to satisfy other family members.

So long as you are getting married for the right reasons (and I have no reason to think otherwise), you have nothing to be concerned about in telling your priest the plain honest truth of the situation; and every reason not to be dishonest about it.

Of course, the priest is going to learn that you’re living at the same address. He is going to learn this sooner or later. It’s better to simply tell him the truth from the start.

While I do not have all the information here (nor should I) there is nothing in what you posted that would prevent you from getting married in the Church. Yes, you need permission for a mixed-religion marriage; and typically that’s easily obtained.

Just go to your priest. Be honest with him.
 
Luckyclovette,

Priests don’t generally refuse to marry couples who are living or even sleeping together. If anything, they want to help such couples regularize their living situation. Marriage, for those who are properly disposed and seek it freely, is one way to accomplish this.

I would absolutely encourage you to meet with your priest and lay it all out on the table. “We live together. We want to get married. Where do we go from here?” I would be very surprised if he just flat out refused to marry you.

I do think there are a lot of practical and spiritual benefits for separating your living quarters during your engagement. For one, it will drastically reduce the temptation to engage in sex. It eliminates the scandal that is brought about by two engaged individuals living together. It will make moving in after marriage all the sweeter. And it will allow you both some time to reflect and pray about your upcoming marriage with a little more physical distance. This can be good preparation for the sacrament and if it turns out you are not called to marriage (because, after all, it’s not until vows are spoken that either of you are committed for life) it will be easier and kinder to break an engagement if it doesn’t also mean evicting a loved one or having to simultaneously find a new apartment.
 
Welcome to CAF! 👋

As others have said, your next step is simply to talk to your priest and be honest. Definitely do not lie to him! That is not a good way to start things off. And there really is no need. As Catholics, we want to follow Christ’s will, not attempt to get our way through deceit. It seems you already know this, though, as you don’t want to lie about it. That’s good. 🙂

I know it is not always fun, but I promise it will be less painful an encounter than you are anticipating. Most priests are very caring guys. I wouldn’t call your living situation ideal, but I can guarantee you will not be the first couple already living together who approaches your priest about marriage. It’s fairly widespread. Unlike most, you are committed to chastity, which is a good thing.

I know it can feel “safer” to get anonymous advice on the internet, but the only way to make forward progress is to call your priest, make an appointment, and lay it all out there. I’ll say a prayer for you.

God bless!
 
I think the answer ultimately lies in you speaking honestly with your priest and/or bishop. There is no universal rule, many poster’s here have stated that it is usually permitted – it may be, in the United States and Canada, but I know an Eastern Catholic bishop in the US that will permit an Orthodox marriage however deny permission for a protestant one in a protestant church. The Churches abroad vary as well - in India, permission is usually denied to marry outside the Church for an Easterner unless it’s with an Orthodox.
 
**
Irishmom2 - I did go ahead and make a new Thread under “Family Life.” I hope no one thinks I am “double dipping” for answers.**
FrDavid96 said:
First of all, just be honest with him.

Many times in preparation for marriage, people have lied to me, or if not outright lied, were otherwise dishonest. That always leads to more problems. Too many times I have said “if you just told me the truth from the start, we wouldn’t have this problem now.”

Living together is not a reason to deny a couple the opportunity to marry. In fact, if anything, it would be a reason for them to marry because it’s better for a couple to live in the Sacrament of Marriage than to live in a state of sin. Now, I’m not saying that you are living in such a state, I’m merely speaking in general terms. On the other hand, (and in contrast) a priest does want to make sure that the couple is marrying for the right reasons, and not just for the sake of appearances or to satisfy other family members.

So long as you are getting married for the right reasons (and I have no reason to think otherwise), you have nothing to be concerned about in telling your priest the plain honest truth of the situation; and every reason not to be dishonest about it.

Of course, the priest is going to learn that you’re living at the same address. He is going to learn this sooner or later. It’s better to simply tell him the truth from the start.

While I do not have all the information here (nor should I) there is nothing in what you posted that would prevent you from getting married in the Church. Yes, you need permission for a mixed-religion marriage; and typically that’s easily obtained.

Just go to your priest. Be honest with him.
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**FrDavid96, I have to say that reading your reply made me feel hopeful. May I ask, are you a priest? I see the “Fr,” which leads me to think “Father.”

In regards to marrying for appearance. I have to say that this is anything but. There are many family members on my side who were raised Catholic and have completely left the church behind them and don’t care one bit about us getting married in a church or not.

On my fiancée’s side, he has family members who are actually pretty negative about the church. I defend my faith and I try to educate them about things (appropriately of course). I don’t want to “push” my faith on them. At the same time, I feel like it’s part of my responsibility to spread the word of god and I will defend my faith if I am being questioned about it. There are times when I feel as though some family members have tried to make me feel ashamed of my faith. I remember my first Christmas going to my fiancé’s mother’s home. And I inquired about the nearest Catholic Church, so I could attend mass. I remember his mother’s response. She didn’t understand why I was attending mass. In her eyes I was being rude by leaving to go to mass. That was a tough Christmas! **
 
Luckyclovette said:
**
Irishmom2 - I did go ahead and make a new Thread under “Family Life.” I hope no one thinks I am “double dipping” for answers.**

**FrDavid96, I have to say that reading your reply made me feel hopeful. May I ask, are you a priest? I see the “Fr,” which leads me to think “Father.”

In regards to marrying for appearance. I have to say that this is anything but. There are many family members on my side who were raised Catholic and have completely left the church behind them and don’t care one bit about us getting married in a church or not.

On my fiancée’s side, he has family members who are actually pretty negative about the church. I defend my faith and I try to educate them about things (appropriately of course). I don’t want to “push” my faith on them. At the same time, I feel like it’s part of my responsibility to spread the word of god and I will defend my faith if I am being questioned about it. There are times when I feel as though some family members have tried to make me feel ashamed of my faith. I remember my first Christmas going to my fiancé’s mother’s home. And I inquired about the nearest Catholic Church, so I could attend mass. I remember his mother’s response. She didn’t understand why I was attending mass. In her eyes I was being rude by leaving to go to mass. That was a tough Christmas! **
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Yes, I’m a priest.

Please keep in mind that I wrote “Now, I’m not saying that you are living in such a state, I’m merely speaking in general terms.” That’s important.

There are challenges in marrying a non-Catholic. There are opportunities for blessings as well. It is an opportunity for you to witness to your faith—something which you are already learning.

I wish you the best!

Don’t worry or hesitate about talking to your own priest, and don’t hesitate to be honest with him. I rather think that when it’s all said and done, you’ll be surprised at how relatively easy it all turned out to be.

Just one comment: the pink font is a bit trying on the eyes. Please consider just using the standard black. My eyes thank you. 🙂
 
Let us know how it works out, Luckyclovette! Hugs!

And no, you’re not the only person in the world who’s lived as brother and sister before marriage. It’s not super-prudent, but it’s not the kiss of death either. I know a couple that did this, and they’ve been married for fifteen years or so, sticking together through a lot of challenges.

Our new saints getting canonized in October, St. Louis Martin and St. Zelie Guerin Martin, lived together as brother and sister AFTER marriage! (Luckily their confessor changed their mind, because otherwise St. Therese and her brothers and sisters would never have been born.)

So yeah, talk to the priest and go get married! And make sure you tell us how it works out!
 
Luckyclovette said:
I am fearful to even approach a priest at this point. If the priest tells us he won’t marry us, then I have to see him every Sunday at mass and feel ashamed or I have to change to a different parish.
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I think you are building up fear in your mind and it is feeding on itself. There is no reason you would have to change parishes.

In the worst case scenario, your pastor may have you separate from living under the same roof for a few months. Surely your fiancé could live with a friend or family or rent an apartment for six months if needed. And, your pastor may not have any issue with you continuing to live in your current arrangement. Your pastor needs to determine freedom to marry and that you are coming to the marriage able to give free and valid consent. He will talk to the two of you and discuss your individual situation.

This is not a one-size-fits-all thing. It’s going to be based on an individual discussion with the two of you. Talk to your pastor, that is the best advice we can give.

I don’t think you are going to get the dire condemnation you have built up in your mind.
 
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