Priest asked to grade my marriage

[Casilda]

on a scale of A, B, C, or D. A being a perfect marriage, B we have problems but have learned to get through them and resolve issues, C there are problems and they just keep popping up and we go in circles never really resolving them, D we have problems and are/have sought divorce.

I am reverting, I married a baptized non-Catholic Christian. I told the priest in the over 30yrs of marriage we have been all 4 choices. Now we are B but sometimes fall back down to a C.

I am really wondering, though, what if I dont get my marriage validated and opt for an annulment instead since I have grounds to ask for one? There has been several infidelities and we have worked on our marriage (mostly me) because I am Catholic, after all. But I would rather be free. The problems have taken their toll on my physical, mental and spiritual life.

 

[Xantippe]

After 30 years, B is pretty darn good.

Do you have children? Bear in mind that if you divorce their mother after 30 years of marriage, no matter how good your cause for annulment is, you will cause huge scandal and bitterness.

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, I don’t think A exists on earth. I’m sure even St. Joseph had a few quirks.

B (“we have problems but have learned to get through them and resolve issues”) is pretty much as good as it gets.

 

[phil19034]

A exists, but they drop straight to D after time because A people are in D denial!

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

I am really wondering, though, what if I dont get my marriage validated and opt for an annulment instead since I have grounds to ask for one?

You don’t really have both options at the same time. Most dioceses won’t consider a declaration of nullity unless the couple is civilly divorced. If you’re divorced you wouldn’t be in a position to have your marriage convalidated. So it’s one or the other, not both.

 

[1ke]

on a scale of A, B, C, or D. A being a perfect marriage, B we have problems but have learned to get through them and resolve issues, C there are problems and they just keep popping up and we go in circles never really resolving them, D we have problems and are/have sought divorce.

I am reverting, I married a baptized non-Catholic Christian. I told the priest in the over 30yrs of marriage we have been all 4 choices. Now we are B but sometimes fall back down to a C.

I am really wondering, though, what if I dont get my marriage validated and opt for an annulment instead since I have grounds to ask for one? There has been several infidelities and we have worked on our marriage (mostly me) because I am Catholic, after all. But I would rather be free. The problems have taken their toll on my physical, mental and spiritual life.

I don’t understand. If you are in an invalid marriage and seeking to convalidate it, you do not need an annulment, and you don’t have “grounds” for an annulment because you are not in a valid marriage now.

You cannot convalidate your marriage if you do not plan to stay together, if you cannot give valid consent regarding perpetuity.

DO NOT proceed with convalidation if you are considering divorce.

 

[Casilda]

DO NOT proceed with convalidation if you are considering divorce.

I understand that, its why I may have to hesitate and not get it convalidated. Because of the priest’s questions I realized our marriage should never had taken place. Issues coming into the marriage that were hidden from me by my husband. The problems he brought with him that almost destroyed it, they have destroyed me. I would rather be free, to practice my faith in peace. He has over the years refused to allow me to go back to the Catholic church. Its only now that he sees this was wrong. I was wrong to hang on to the marriage and leave my church.

 

[RoseMary131]

I understand that, its why I may have to hesitate and not get it convalidated. Because of the priest’s questions I realized our marriage should never had taken place. Issues coming into the marriage that were hidden from me by my husband. The problems he brought with him that almost destroyed it, they have destroyed me. I would rather be free, to practice my faith in peace. He has over the years refused to allow me to go back to the Catholic church. Its only now that he sees this was wrong. I was wrong to hang on to the marriage and leave my church.

Have you told the priest that you don’t know if you want to choose convalidation of your marriage or if you would like to divorce your husband?

 

[WaitingForJesus]

You need to discuss the problems with the marriage with the priest. I realize you said in another thread that the discussion was all about paperwork. Please make sure he understands the struggles you are having…and that you are considering divorce…so he can advise you appropriately.

 

[maryjk]

Casilda:

Okay, I prayed a rosary this morning and attended daily Mass, right afterward I walked to the office. The secretary was just about to make my appointment when she grabbed the adult religious ed director who let me ask my questions and listened to me. He said I have been misinformed, by my Catholic friend, and by those who answer questions for reverting Catholics online.

I could be communing this Sunday! Yes, I have to meet with a priest first but I DON’T have to go through confirmation classes or RCIA first. My marriage issue is a quick procedure (I married a baptized Christian, first marriage for both of us). This parish is 25 miles away but I’ve driven farther to go to church.

If the appointment is not cancelled, I am home! Please pray that the priest doesn’t cancel.

I understand that, its why I may have to hesitate and not get it convalidated. Because of the priest’s questions I realized our marriage should never had taken place. Issues coming into the marriage that were hidden from me by my husband. The problems he brought with him that almost destroyed it, they have destroyed me. I would rather be free, to practice my faith in peace. He has over the years refused to allow me to go back to the Catholic church. Its only now that he sees this was wrong. I was wrong to hang on to the marriage and leave my church.

Wow. Lots of things have changed in the past 3 days.

Of course you shouldn’t have your marriage convalidated if you are thinking of divorce.

But it also seems that you hadn’t thought about divorce until someone asked you a question about it. And it isn’t that you think your marriage isn’t worth working for or saving, but that you would rather be “free.”

I’m sorry, but that sounds wonky. And as others have said, certainly something you need to discuss with your priest. In fact, you probably should call him to tell him to stop the paperwork.

 

[maryjk]

Casilda:

Was I wrong to expect something different at my first meeting with a priest?* I am spiritually hurting, I wanted to let him know how I long for the Eucharist, that I have sat too many years sitting (standing in the Eastern Orthodox) in the back of the church watching others commune and trying to go through all the hoops and obstacles to be able to do so.* I got a business interview, showed him my credentials (baptismal, 1st communion certificates) filled out forms, now I need my husband to come in for an interview and get a validation for our marriage. Busy with paperwork. I left the meeting in kind of a daze. I am just being honest on how I feel. I still feel empty. Maybe I am depressed. I know what I need, but I’ve been denied participation.

Please if you are involved with church business, please be aware that the person on the other side of a call or counter is a person with a soul, that you may be the last person they attempt to see to get spiritual help. You have the power to help or break them. Lord, have mercy.

Climbing those last few steps in a fog, groping my way to find Christ. Why is this so hard, Lord.

Okay, now I am really confused.

At 8:32, you posted the above post, in a different thread.

Then just 15 minutes later you started this thread. Stating that your husband has kept you from the Church, yet you have been sitting/standing for years at Mass without receiving.

And that you feel empty about the process to have your marriage convalidated. But it sounds like the wait was a good thing, since just 15 minutes later you are questioning if you should stay married.

 

[ClearWater]

on a scale of A, B, C, or D. A being a perfect marriage, B we have problems but have learned to get through them and resolve issues, C there are problems and they just keep popping up and we go in circles never really resolving them, D we have problems and are/have sought divorce.

I am reverting, I married a baptized non-Catholic Christian. I told the priest in the over 30yrs of marriage we have been all 4 choices. Now we are B but sometimes fall back down to a C.

I am really wondering, though, what if I dont get my marriage validated and opt for an annulment instead since I have grounds to ask for one? There has been several infidelities and we have worked on our marriage (mostly me) because I am Catholic, after all. But I would rather be free. The problems have taken their toll on my physical, mental and spiritual life.

I was in a similar position and vacilated between those two options of convalidation and annulment. I chose annulment. Sounds like you should, as well, but it’s your decision.
Why are you staying in this relationship? What is holding you?

I would recommend against convalidation given the relationship is just so unstable, and it’s not mutual. Trust is probably gone.

 

[Gorgias]

I am reverting, I married a baptized non-Catholic Christian.

Casilda,

Given that you also mentioned “I have sat too many years sitting (standing in the Eastern Orthodox) in the back of the church watching others commune”, should we presume that when you call your husband a ‘non-Catholic Christian,’ you mean that he is an Orthodox Christian? Are you implying that the marriage took place in an Orthodox church, in an Orthodox ceremony? If so, your marriage might already be valid, depending on what church it is and when the marriage took place. If this is the case, I would highly recommend that you discuss this matter with your priest, asking that a diocesan canonist with competency in Eastern canon law be consulted.

Of course – especially if this is not the case – if you are considering annulment (which is putting the cart before the horse, since you are not even divorced, and the Church will not consider a nullity case prior to divorce), then convalidation is not the proper course of action at this moment. Convalidation will create a valid bond, that cannot be nullified (so to speak).

 

[WaitingForJesus]

Wow. Lots of things have changed in the past 3 days.

Of course you shouldn’t have your marriage convalidated if you are thinking of divorce.

But it also seems that you hadn’t thought about divorce until someone asked you a question about it. And it isn’t that you think your marriage isn’t worth working for or saving, but that you would rather be “free.”

I’m sorry, but that sounds wonky. And as others have said, certainly something you need to discuss with your priest. In fact, you probably should call him to tell him to stop the paperwork.

Okay, now I am really confused.

At 8:32, you posted the above post, in a different thread.

Then just 15 minutes later you started this thread. Stating that your husband has kept you from the Church, yet you have been sitting/standing for years at Mass without receiving.

And that you feel empty about the process to have your marriage convalidated. But it sounds like the wait was a good thing, since just 15 minutes later you are questioning if you should stay married.

We don’t have the whole picture. It appears from other posts that Casilda was prevented from reconciling with the church for some period of time…and also that she has experienced physical, emotional, and spiritual trauma in this marriage. This takes a terrible toll on a person and causes confusion, difficulty making decisions, and fear in talking to people about the situation. It probably took incredible courage to even get to the point where she could talk with the priest about the irregular marriage. We need to be careful in how we express ourselves so as not to make matters worse.

 

[maryjk]

We don’t have the whole picture. It appears from other posts that Casilda was prevented from reconciling with the church for some period of time…and also that she has experienced physical, emotional, and spiritual trauma in this marriage. This takes a terrible toll on a person and causes confusion, difficulty making decisions, and fear in talking to people about the situation. It probably took incredible courage to even get to the point where she could talk with the priest about the irregular marriage. We need to be careful in how we express ourselves so as not to make matters worse.

First, we never have the whole story. We always only hear one side.

This is a woman that has been married for 30 years. Has worked through the situations in her marriage. And in fact, has rated her marriage a “B.” Heck, that sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

The fact that she has changed her stance so dramatically, in just 15 minutes, says to me that she really needs to figure out what she wants. And she needs to think twice before she posts.

 

[Mumbles140]

We didn’t even last on A our entire 10 day honeymoon! Slipped to a C over one hot, deyhdrated, walking stretch lasting about 3 hours, but a sign stating “Live the life deluxe: Embrace Socialism” brought us back to a B+

 

[Casilda]

yes, I am sorry, I must be a mess. All I ever longed for after my parents left the Catholic church was to go back. I would sit off by myself at the family ‘Christmas’ celebration and talk to God. I knew this was Jesus’ birthday and I did not know what was going on in my family, food, drinking, dancing, no mention of His Birth, Epiphany nothing. It was me and God for Christmas, Easter, etc.

But then when I grew up and could attend church…I was ignored by the office staff, my calls to talk to a priest, a nun, the school staff, anyone. I just wanted to go back. I was just a teenager away at college. A baptist friend listened to me and I fell in love with their midnight, candlelight Christmas service. I have always made confession in my heart, I have always understood His real presence in the communion elements. I am not a fully formed Catholic not having been confirmed, but Catholic nevertheless. Too many years, too many obstacles I have had to overcome and I am just a mess. I want to be ‘free’ so that nothing else can stand in my way. My husband was a pentacostal, he is considering Eastern Orthodoxy now. I keep having to deal with anti-Catholic remarks from him, from everybody. I am tired of it.

I feel like just giving up. So if you see someone sitting in the furthestmost back pew who gets up and leaves when everyone else gets up to commune, that would be me, or someone else in my shoes.

 

[WaitingForJesus]

We are all messes, so don’t worry about it. Our Lord loves you and that is all that matters. Keep pursuing this and make sure the priest knows the state you are in. There is no need to get up and leave when everyone else gets up for communion. You can make an act of spiritual communion. A simple prayer my priest taught me to say when in a similar situation is this: “Lord I wish to receive you now with the purity, humility, and devotion of your Mother and the fervor of the saints”. Offer up your suffering…unite it Christ…ask him to use it to save souls, convert youR husband, whatever is.important to you.