If the affair (or “one night stand”) happened long ago, the cheater was truly remorseful and would never do it again, and if it was certain that the innocent party was going to want to remain married regardless of this revelation, then I know I personally would not want to know.Absolutely. Any past affair has poisoned their relationship and she deserves to know, and they deserve to be healed.
You have absolutely no right to make that decision for them. Distance yourself if you must, but butt out.Absolutely. Any past affair has poisoned their relationship and she deserves to know, and they deserve to be healed.
Separation, but not annulment. (see catholic.com/quickquestions/why-does-the-church-not-see-adultery-as-grounds-for-an-annulment)That seems very strange to me as the Church teaches that spouse who is a victim of adultery has a right to separation.
It’s not hard to see why priests advise folks who are outside the issue to keep your lips zipped. There are a lot of variables to any situation that you may or may not know. How do you know the spouse is stable enough to handle the news? How do you know you aren’t jeopardizing the safety of minors in the house? How do you know the person really is having an affair (maybe the person is saying they are just for attention, there are sick people that are capable of this). These are just a few scenarios. People on the outside simply don’t know the whole story.On the other hand, if your son’s marriage is determined to be valid, the reality of the situation may be that he is married to a woman who is, tragically, not a good wife. Separation and civil divorce can protect him, his children, and his assets, but it cannot free him to remarry.
Unless that “friend” is you I wonder why you felt the need to pursue this with not one but two priests. I suspect that priest deal more with infidelity than any therapist and the church certainly trains them. I would trust that to be enough.Hello all,
I was troubled by a response that I was given by not one but two priests at the same parish concerning a question I had about spousal infidelity. Here’s the summary. I had a friend who sadly was involved in a sexual relationship with another person who was married. I was shocked when I heard the news, and I admit, with my passionate stance on fidelity, I had questioned whether this was a friendship I wanted to continue…hence, my reasoning for going and talking with a priest. I had posed the question to both of them, “Don’t you think it’s appropriate for the cheating partner to tell his spouse about the infidelity?”
His response…started with "typically, we counsel these person (s)…etc.etc.’
The use of “typically” almost made me lose faith in today’s climate on marriage (not the Priest’s fault), but what he and another priest said is that if the cheating partner is putting at risk the unity of the family or the wife, then, no, he should not tell his wife.
I had a REALLY hard time with this response. 1) so the cheating partner is not really responsible for his actions? 2), he is putting at risk the health of his wife if he gets any STD, 3) omitting the Truth is lying is it not? Did the Church just say it’s ok to lie?
If someone could kindly give me feedback on these responses, I would greatly appreciate, because I have been considering talking again to these Priests and telling them that I think this is bad counsel!
(Quick question here) In the Catholic faith, how does one confess and repent of adultery without telling the spouse?Btw. If my spouse cheated, confessed and had repented I would never ever ever want to know.
Do you think that to sincerely repent from the sin of adultery and to be absolved by a priest in Confession it’s required by Catholic teaching to tell the spouse? I don’t know how to interpret your question?(Quick question here) In the Catholic faith, how does one confess and repent of adultery without telling the spouse?
The same way one repents of any sin!(Quick question here) In the Catholic faith, how does one confess and repent of adultery without telling the spouse?
In my faith, part of repentance is confessing the sin (to God and any victims) and making restitution (in so much as possible). If you steal something, you confess to the store owner and give it back. If you lied, you admit so to the hurt parties and do your best to undo the damage. If one commits adultery, part of repentance is confessing to God and the betrayed spouse.The same way one repents of any sin!
Why would you think forgiveness by God of adultery would require telling?
I do not know Catholic teaching in the matter. Hence my asking.Do you think that to sincerely repent from the sin of adultery and to be absolved by a priest in Confession it’s required by Catholic teaching to tell the spouse? I don’t know how to interpret your question?
That’s where we differ. We know God’s Divine Mercy and forgiveness do not depend on this. We believe that God knows our hearts and if we make a sincere confession to a priest, and he absolves us, then God washes away our sins. It is done. Over. Gone.In my faith, part of repentance is confessing the sin (to God and any victims) and making restitution (in so much as possible). If you steal something, you confess to the store owner and give it back. If you lied, you admit so to the hurt parties and do your best to undo the damage. If one commits adultery, part of repentance is confessing to God and the betrayed spouse.
Having come from a Mormon family that was never my experience. Of course the “sins” tended to be more public for sure but rarely did the bishop advise cheating spouses to tell. I know a lot of Mormons and I know a lot of spouses are unfaithful. But not all thier other halves learn if it.In my faith, part of repentance is confessing the sin (to God and any victims) and making restitution (in so much as possible). If you steal something, you confess to the store owner and give it back. If you lied, you admit so to the hurt parties and do your best to undo the damage. If one commits adultery, part of repentance is confessing to God and the betrayed spouse.
I do not know Catholic teaching in the matter. Hence my asking.
I tend to agree with those people who think it’s not that great for cheaters to unload the guilt on the cheated and make them feel miserable. I certainly agree that not telling isn’t necessarily the same as lying, let alone living a lie. It’s also hard to p(name removed by moderator)oint any specific right to know. But I draw a line when it comes to not telling the husband that he isn’t the biological father, or not giving a a warning about STD. I think men have a right to know whether or not they are (bio) fathers.This is the typical response alright. The logic is fairly simple I would think. The cheating spouse is in confession and want’s to be forgiven. The priest knows that telling the other spouse would probably cause a lot more trouble in the marriage. It’s not lying to just go on and try to be a better spouse in the future. It does depend on the situation. If the cheater has conceived a child, for example, the priest would probably counsel to tell the spouse. Generally though, I think it’s fairly easy to understand this approach. What exactly would telling the spouse achieve?
Amen. I learned, and believe, that it isnt right to cleanse our souls at the expense of others.I tend to agree with those people who think it’s not that great for cheaters to unload the guilt on the cheated and make them feel miserable. I certainly agree that not telling isn’t necessarily the same as lying, let alone living a lie. It’s also hard to p(name removed by moderator)oint any specific right to know. But I draw a line when it comes to not telling the husband that he isn’t the biological father, or not giving a a warning about STD. I think men have a right to know whether or not they are (bio) fathers.
I agree. If there is some other consequence to the cheating then the cheated should definitely know.I tend to agree with those people who think it’s not that great for cheaters to unload the guilt on the cheated and make them feel miserable. I certainly agree that not telling isn’t necessarily the same as lying, let alone living a lie. It’s also hard to p(name removed by moderator)oint any specific right to know. But I draw a line when it comes to not telling the husband that he isn’t the biological father, or not giving a a warning about STD. I think men have a right to know whether or not they are (bio) fathers.
Some would want to know. Others would not. And it depends on the circumstance. I would not want to know with most cases but with others I might need to know. That is why there is no hard and fast rule.I believe that cheating is wrong and that there is no excuse for it. Cheating is not a “mistake” or “accident.” It is a series of deliberate deception.
I also believe it is better for the cheating spouse to tell. Why? Because it is more devastating if someone else reveals the affair. Whoever tells it may do so with a bad motivation or with the desire to destroy the relationship.
To be blunt: the marriage was already seriously flawed, as evidenced by his straying. Lying to his wife would not a have preserved their previously “perfect” marriage because such a thing did not exist in the first place.I can only offer an anecdote told to me by a friend, concerning someone he knew who cheated on his wife. It was not an affair; it was a one night stand which occurred on a business trip, which had no chance of occurring again. The cheater made certain he had not contracted any STD’s that could be passed on to his wife. He was filled with remorse, almost to the point of despair. He sincerely regretted this sin. He confided in his friend, and told him that his conscience was telling him that he needed to confess to his wife and beg forgiveness.
His friend advised against it. In his view, what the cheater wanted to do was to unburden himself by laying the burden on his wife. She had no way of knowing of this incident otherwise. Their marriage was a happy one and there were children. This friend advised him strongly against confessing to his wife. It would, he told him, only make things worse. What he needed to do was to be the best husband he could be from that point forward.
The cheater ignored that advice. He felt a great burden of guilt. He told his wife. She was devastated; she simply could not accept it. The result: divorce, destroyed marriage, fatherless children. Had the husband kept the burden on himself, where it properly belonged, that marriage might have been long lasting.
Marriage is not static. It ebbs and flows. It’s good and not so good. So a seriously flawed marriage one day can be a strong marriage on another day. Conversely you can have a wonderful marriage for decades and then have a troubled one.To be blunt: the marriage was already seriously flawed, as evidenced by his straying. Lying to his wife would not a have preserved their previously “perfect” marriage because such a thing did not exist in the first place.
I did not know the man personally so I cannot say. His friend told me that he was happy in his marriage; and his wife was happy in the marriage. His view was that the marriage was happier than most and would have endured, but that the husband’s desire to relieve his own burden of guilt by confessing to his wife destroyed the marriage. I don’t know if the cheater was Catholic. If so, he should have made his confession to a priest, not burdened his wife with it.To be blunt: the marriage was already seriously flawed, as evidenced by his straying. Lying to his wife would not a have preserved their previously “perfect” marriage because such a thing did not exist in the first place.