Priest wouldn't give dispensation...caused all sorts of trouble!

[TryingHard17]

So today, I thought mass started at 11. We just recently moved and I got the times mixed up. I arrived (8 months pregnant with my husband and two kids, 5 and 3) a couple of minutes early so I could hit confession and then attend mass. Well, as it turns out, mass was at 10 and we walked in just in time for the blessing. So I waited 30 minutes to talk to the priest at the next confession time, went in and did my confession and then asked if he could dispense the family today from our obligation since we legitimately tried to go to mass but failed. I also explained to him that we are having friends from out of town in this afternoon and attending in the evening would be very difficult.

Well, he said no. “Find a church near your house and go to mass”, he said. “I cannot give you a dispensation for this.”

So I told my husband we could wait 30 more minutes and attend the next mass (in Spanish, which we don’t speak) or go tonight (impossible with friends coming over). He wanted to just leave and said any other priest would never have refused a dispensation for such an honest mistake. I actually agreed with him, but insisted that we stay. Turns out, it was a CONFIRMATION mass, in Spanish. We stayed, but I got the stink eye from hubby the whole time and the kids were thirsty and tired through the whole thing.

Why didn’t he give us a dispensation??? Is my husband required to go to confession now since he was ready tondisobey the priest, or was the priest being truly unreasonable? So confused, and more than a little annoyed that this priest refused to consider these extraordinary circumstances.

Thanks!

 

[Sunbreak]

The circumstances were hardly extraordinary. Yes you made a mistake but there was another Mass readily available. So what if it wasn’t in English. It was still a Mass. The priest didn’t excuse you because he knew it was still possible for you to meet the obligation. It sounds like you were putting everything else above going to Mass - “I showed up it didn’t work out the way I thought so I don’t have to do it because it’s not convenient.”

 

[TheDoctor]

I think the Priest was correct. He did not give you a dispensation because you did not deserve one. Dispensation is for extraordinary circumstances (e.g. you are going on a cruise for a week where no Mass will be offered). Your circumstances were not extraordinary - you messed up the mass time but there were other masses you could get to. Were they convenient? Nope. Would it be easy? Nope. Was it impossible to get to mass (what most of us would consider acceptable for a formal dispensation)? Nope. What is more important - your friends or your commitment to God?

I don’t think your husband committed a mortal sin but that is between him and his confessor.

Apologies if this is not the opinion you were seeking, but you asked.

 

[TryingHard17]

The circumstances were hardly extraordinary. Yes you made a mistake but there was another Mass readily available. So what if it wasn’t in English. It was still a Mass. The priest didn’t excuse you because he knew it was still possible for you to meet the obligation. It sounds like you were putting everything else above going to Mass - “I showed up it didn’t work out the way I thought so I don’t have to do it because it’s not convenient.”

Putting EVERYTHING else above going to mass? I am 8 months pregnant with 2 small children. This afternoon, we have friends coming from out of town for dinner whom we haven’t seen in almost 2 years. We made a good faith effort to go to mass and were wrong about the time. I know for a fact that the priest at our old parish would have said something merciful, like “Jesus knows what is in your heart. You are dispensed.” I think this was legalism. Not only that, but I’m not sure I even did the right thing by staying. It caused a major thing between me and my husband, who told me to “just get in the car” as my two kids were already buckled int their car seats and ready to go, as we had already been at church for almost an hour. So since missing dinner with our friends was clearly not an option, we had to hang around for another 45 minutes until the next mass, which was a Spanish confirmation mass with the bishop and took quite a long time. The kids at this point were tired, hungry, thirsty and lying supine in the pew with my husband angry at me for forcing the issue, and I don’t blame him. I’m so sure this is what Jesus would have wanted.

 

[TryingHard17]

I think the Priest was correct. He did not give you a dispensation because you did not deserve one. Dispensation is for extraordinary circumstances (e.g. you are going on a cruise for a week where no Mass will be offered). Your circumstances were not extraordinary - you messed up the mass time but there were other masses you could get to. Were they convenient? Nope. Would it be easy? Nope. Was it impossible to get to mass (what most of us would consider acceptable for a formal dispensation)? Nope. What is more important - your friends or your commitment to God?

I don’t think your husband committed a mortal sin but that is between him and his confessor.

Apologies if this is not the opinion you were seeking, but you asked.

Actually, the whole purpose of a dispensation is when it is not IMPOSSIBLE to go to Mass. If it is impossible (a cruise, a snowstorm) you are automatically dispensed, because the Law cannot require the impossible. The prerogative of the priest is specifically for those circumstances when it is exceedingly difficult for someone to attend Mass but not impossible. That is the whole point of the dispensation.

 

[estesbob]

Putting EVERYTHING else above going to mass? I am 8 months pregnant with 2 small children. This afternoon, we have friends coming from out of town for dinner whom we haven’t seen in almost 2 years. We made a good faith effort to go to mass and were wrong about the time. I know for a fact that the priest at our old parish would have said something merciful, like “Jesus knows what is in your heart. You are dispensed.” I think this was legalism. Not only that, but I’m not sure I even did the right thing by staying. It caused a major thing between me and my husband, who told me to “just get in the car” as my two kids were already buckled int their car seats and ready to go, as we had already been at church for almost an hour. So since missing dinner with our friends was clearly not an option, we had to hang around for another 45 minutes until the next mass, which was a Spanish confirmation mass with the bishop and took quite a long time. The kids at this point were tired, hungry, thirsty and lying supine in the pew with my husband angry at me for forcing the issue, and I don’t blame him. I’m so sure this is what Jesus would have wanted.

Personally I wouldn’t have asked.You made a good faith effort to go to Mass. you got the things wrong.Hardly a major offense.I wouldn’t be concerned about it.

 

[felsguy]

Personally I wouldn’t have asked.You made a good faith effort to go to Mass. you got the things wrong.Hardly a major offense.I wouldn’t be concerned about it.

Given the circumstances, I tend to agree. But likewise, this is just a personal opinion.

 

[grasscutter]

I think that the priest gave the only answer he could under the circumstances. It’s unfortunate that this caused a rift between the OP and her husband.

 

[TryingHard17]

Personally I wouldn’t have asked.You made a good faith effort to go to Mass. you got the things wrong.Hardly a major offense.I wouldn’t be concerned about it.

Thanks. I’m starting to wish I hadn’t asked! Once a priest tells you you must do something, it’s hard to disobey! N top of that, I had actually shown up a couple of minutes “early” to try to get to confession, so after the mass we missed ended, I thought “I’ll just get in my confession now and ask for a dispensation while I’m at it.” I never thought in a million years he would tell me I had to go regardless of having friends from out of town over that was planned in advance. I felt as if he was distracted or not really listening to my situation. I mean, if in the future, we have dinner plans with someone from out of town and may not see them again for years, and on the way to mass our car breaks down and we have to get a tow, are we really supposed to call the and just cancel because somewhere there happens to be a mass that coincides with that particular time? It sort of reminds me of the story about the sheep falling into the ditch on the Sabbath.

And to the poster who said “Who is more important, Jesus or your friends?”, I think that is a very unfair question that could be asked about pretty much anything. Having chest pains? What is more important, your cardiologist or Jesus? Car doesn’t work and church is a 5 mile walk and you have to take a $20 can ride to church? What is more important? Money or Jesus? I mean, we have to live our lives. We put in a good faith effort to fulfill our obligations, but sometimes it is very difficult to the point of causing significant inconvenience to others or to the point of simply being impractical with very small children. That is where the merciful priest comes in and says “You tried to bring your family to mass, but you made a mistake. Read today’s mass readings, say some prayers and enjoy your dinner catching up with good friends.” I just thought it was really strange and frustrating overall. We weren’t hungover drunk and trying t get to a Spring Break beach party this afternoon. We made an honest mistake.

I try to imagine Pope Francis Or even Jesus telling me the same thing this priest did, and I honestly can’t!

 

[paperwight66]

Personally I wouldn’t have asked.You made a good faith effort to go to Mass. you got the things wrong.Hardly a major offense.I wouldn’t be concerned about it.

No, I wouldn’t have asked in your situation, either. Sometimes one just has to take responsibility, use commonsense and trust in God understanding the circumstances.

Sunbreak, as a matter of interest, have you ever been eight months pregnant with two little ones and having just moved house?

 

[twf]

The language isn’t really a factor here - the obligation doesn’t require us to attend mass in a language we understand (otherwise a lot of people would be sinning by attending mass in Latin!). I think Father could have given you a dispensation but that’s not my call nor yours.

That being said, I was under the impression that only one’s canonical pastor (the pastor of one’s geographical parish) could grant such a dispensation…not just whichever priest happens to be in the confessional. Perhaps the priest knew he didn’t have the authority to dispense you? Or am I wrong on this? Perhaps a priest can chime in. I’ve been granted a dispensation from mass once for a family wedding (non-Catholics), but it was my canonical pastor who I called at the Rectory.

 

[kozlosap]

The circumstances were hardly extraordinary. Yes you made a mistake but there was another Mass readily available. So what if it wasn’t in English. It was still a Mass. The priest didn’t excuse you because he knew it was still possible for you to meet the obligation. It sounds like you were putting everything else above going to Mass - “I showed up it didn’t work out the way I thought so I don’t have to do it because it’s not convenient.”

A little harsh maybe???

So , the poor woman who was eight months pregnant stuck around for a mass that was celebrated in Spanish and a Confirmation Mass to boot. I think she payed mightly for her error in mass times.

 

[Usige]

Personally I wouldn’t have asked.You made a good faith effort to go to Mass. you got the things wrong.Hardly a major offense.I wouldn’t be concerned about it.

Given the circumstances, I tend to agree. But likewise, this is just a personal opinion.

Sorry, but this is just wrong. If we have the opportunity to go to a later mass then we do what we must.

I have shown up late after trying to get 6 kids moving. Even when we are too late I pull out my phone and see when the next mass is. if that parish doesn’t have one I spiral out looking for others that might be later. I have driven an extra 20 miles to make sure I didn’t miss mass.

If this had been the last mass available and they had missed it. It was an accident, but if there are later masses and you think it’s too inconvenient then it is no longer an accident, but a direct choice.

 

[Emme781]

Thanks. I’m starting to wish I hadn’t asked! Once a priest tells you you must do something, it’s hard to disobey! N top of that, I had actually shown up a couple of minutes “early” to try to get to confession, so after the mass we missed ended, I thought “I’ll just get in my confession now and ask for a dispensation while I’m at it.” I never thought in a million years he would tell me I had to go regardless of having friends from out of town over that was planned in advance. I felt as if he was distracted or not really listening to my situation. I mean, if in the future, we have dinner plans with someone from out of town and may not see them again for years, and on the way to mass our car breaks down and we have to get a tow, are we really supposed to call the and just cancel because somewhere there happens to be a mass that coincides with that particular time? It sort of reminds me of the story about the sheep falling into the ditch on the Sabbath.

And to the poster who said “Who is more important, Jesus or your friends?”, I think that is a very unfair question that could be asked about pretty much anything. Having chest pains? What is more important, your cardiologist or Jesus? Car doesn’t work and church is a 5 mile walk and you have to take a $20 can ride to church? What is more important? Money or Jesus? I mean, we have to live our lives. We put in a good faith effort to fulfill our obligations, but sometimes it is very difficult to the point of causing significant inconvenience to others or to the point of simply being impractical with very small children. That is where the merciful priest comes in and says “You tried to bring your family to mass, but you made a mistake. Read today’s mass readings, say some prayers and enjoy your dinner catching up with good friends.” I just thought it was really strange and frustrating overall. We weren’t hungover drunk and trying t get to a Spring Break beach party this afternoon. We made an honest mistake.

I try to imagine Pope Francis Or even Jesus telling me the same thing this priest did, and I honestly can’t!

I hope you pray about this day and listen carefully for the Holy Spirit to bring you to an understanding. There is a lesson here that I’m not articulate enough to present, and you’re probably not quite in a receptive mood right now.

What you said about it being “very difficult to the point of causing significant inconvenience” makes me cringe, because it brings to my mind some of the pro-choice arguments. I’m not in any way, shape or form suggesting that you’re anything less than joyfully open to life given your blessed growing family. It’s just the line of reasoning…

Peace and prayers.

 

[Blessedwithfive]

No, I wouldn’t have asked in your situation, either. Sometimes one just has to take responsibility, use commonsense and trust in God understanding the circumstances.

Sunbreak, as a matter of interest, have you ever been eight months pregnant with two little ones and having just moved house?

I agree, you didn’t need to ask as you tried to attend. In my opinion the priest was NOT merciful. So sorry this happened to you. The priest has never been eight months pregnant with two young kids. He dosen’t know what it takes sometimes just to make it in he door.
I will pray for him. And you.

 

[Gliggle]

Hi! I don’t think you should feel bad, I wouldn’t have asked, you are allowed to use your own discretion in these matters, just as when you are sick etc, I think the dispensation is more applicable for when you are actually planning to miss mass.

However once you decided to ask, yes you were stuck having to follow the priest, I agree! You can’t resent the priest for saying no either, he probably has absolutely no idea what it’s like to be 8 months pregnant with two kids and a stroppy hubby… lol But don’t worry God does, and I am sure he appreciates your obedience to the priest even if he would have said something different himself! The inconvenience to you all… especially during this time of lent, which was given willingly by you and your husband, is worth much more than the time you lost even if it doesn’t feel like it. So try not to feel bad, be happy you made this effort and went even if it was hard.

 

[Neofight]

One of two thoughts come to mind, and I’m hoping it’s the first

1. Perhaps the priest simply meant that no dispensation was necessary.

2)Or, he is far more legalistic than pastoral as a parish priest should be.

Either way, understanding God’s unlimited capacity for kindness, love, and mercy, I suggest you find the peace that only He can offer, and don’t give it a second thought!

 

[revert_jen]

Actually, the whole purpose of a dispensation is when it is not IMPOSSIBLE to go to Mass. If it is impossible (a cruise, a snowstorm) you are automatically dispensed, because the Law cannot require the impossible. The prerogative of the priest is specifically for those circumstances when it is exceedingly difficult for someone to attend Mass but not impossible. That is the whole point of the dispensation.

Well, yes and no. I think you do have to get a dispensation for the cruise situation (would be wise to do this BEFORE booking the cruise) because you don’t have to go on a cruise. It’s not impossible to go to Mass that weekend because it is possible not to go on a cruise with no priest on it. I personally have never been on a cruise and it hasn’t hurt me, although in my case it is for financial reasons.

And I certainly don’t think your husband committed a mortal sin (because in the end he went to Mass). You did what you are supposed to do in marriage, helped your husband avoid sin. The fact that he doesn’t appreciate this does not make it wrong of you to do it.

And I’m not sure where you’re located, but you obviously have access to the internet. You might have been able to find something more convenient on masstimes.org.

But having to wait around for half an hour before Mass starts, and then go to a longish Mass in another language doesn’t seem to be such a huge hardship, except for your husband’s reaction to it, which isn’t the priest’s fault. Your kids were tired, well, kids get tired all the time. The might have to wait longer than that at some place like the DMV, which is much less important.

Basically, you asked a question to which you thought you knew the answer, and it turned out you were wrong. It’s true that is a very frustrating experience, but just because the answer was unexpected, doesn’t make it unreasonable. The reason that you asked for the dispensation is that you knew it was still perfectly possible for you to attend Mass. The problem here isn’t the priest’s response, but your husband’s reaction. If you can think of a way to help him modify that reaction, you would be doing him a great service.

God bless you all,

–Jen

 

[TryingHard17]

I agree, you didn’t need to ask as you tried to attend. In my opinion the priest was NOT merciful. So sorry this happened to you. The priest has never been eight months pregnant with two young kids. He dosen’t know what it takes sometimes just to make it in he door.
I will pray for him. And you.

Wow. I really needed to hear this. Thank you so much.

 

[TryingHard17]

Hi! I don’t think you should feel bad, I wouldn’t have asked, you are allowed to use your own discretion in these matters, just as when you are sick etc, I think the dispensation is more applicable for when you are actually planning to miss mass.

However once you decided to ask, yes you were stuck having to follow the priest, I agree! You can’t resent the priest for saying no either, he probably has absolutely no idea what it’s like to be 8 months pregnant with two kids and a stroppy hubby… lol But don’t worry God does, and I am sure he appreciates your obedience to the priest even if he would have said something different himself! The inconvenience to you all… especially during this time of lent, which was given willingly by you and your husband, is worth much more than the time you lost even if it doesn’t feel like it. So try not to feel bad, be happy you made this effort and went even if it was hard.

Thank you so much. This is how I’m trying to see it too!