Priest wouldn't give dispensation...caused all sorts of trouble!

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revert_jen said:
Well, yes and no. I think you do have to get a dispensation for the cruise situation (would be wise to do this BEFORE booking the cruise) because you don’t have to go on a cruise. It’s not impossible to go to Mass that weekend because it is possible not to go on a cruise with no priest on it. I personally have never been on a cruise and it hasn’t hurt me, although in my case it is for financial reasons. 🙂

And I certainly don’t think your husband committed a mortal sin (because in the end he went to Mass). You did what you are supposed to do in marriage, helped your husband avoid sin. The fact that he doesn’t appreciate this does not make it wrong of you to do it.

And I’m not sure where you’re located, but you obviously have access to the internet. You might have been able to find something more convenient on masstimes.org.

But having to wait around for half an hour before Mass starts, and then go to a longish Mass in another language doesn’t seem to be such a huge hardship, except for your husband’s reaction to it, which isn’t the priest’s fault. Your kids were tired, well, kids get tired all the time. The might have to wait longer than that at some place like the DMV, which is much less important.

Basically, you asked a question to which you thought you knew the answer, and it turned out you were wrong. It’s true that is a very frustrating experience, but just because the answer was unexpected, doesn’t make it unreasonable. The reason that you asked for the dispensation is that you knew it was still perfectly possible for you to attend Mass. The problem here isn’t the priest’s response, but your husband’s reaction. If you can think of a way to help him modify that reaction, you would be doing him a great service.

God bless you all,

–Jen
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I don’t see it as a HUGE hardship, I just thought the priest could have been a bit more understanding, since it is in his purview to grant dispensations for such things. Maybe if he knew me and I was coming to him every week asking to be let out of my Sunday obligation, I could see it, but this seemed a little harsh to me. I mean clearly I was trying to do the right thing or I wouldn’t have waited around for 30 minutes after mass to speak to him and go to confession to begin with 🙂 Anyway, what’s done is done, but it was a very tough day, and we STILL have to meet these friends for dinner, which, even though they are our very best friends and I haven’t seen them for years, I can barely get out of bed to do!
 
I’m so glad you wand your spouse were able to avoid the mortal sin of missing Mass.
May God bless you and your family.
May your obedience be a light which guides others ever closer to Our Lord.
Amen.
 
estesbob said:
Personally I wouldn’t have asked.You made a good faith effort to go to Mass. you got the things wrong.Hardly a major offense.I wouldn’t be concerned about it.
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I wouldn’t have asked either.

We are entitled to exercise our own judgement on matters like this. We know whether we’ve made a good faith effort to attend, and all our other obligations.

I really feel for the OP. New in the area, 8 months pregnant, two children, she’s already brought them to one Mass, and then waited 30 minutes to talk to the priest…

I wouldn’t have asked, but, having asked, when I discovered that the next Mass was a confirmation Mass I would have put my health and family first, and gone home, and rested up for the week ahead.

I once missed Mass just because I was tired, overworked, in a new country, and needed rest for the next week. When I discussed this in confession with a priest (highly qualified, btw) he said that I could make that decision for myself, and there was no need to confess it.
 
I wish he’d have granted the dispensation. Here’s a parishioner who cares enough to stay for confession and then ask for the dispensation based on the totality of your circumstances…especially when you could have just left.
 
estesbob said:
Personally I wouldn’t have asked.You made a good faith effort to go to Mass. you got the things wrong.Hardly a major offense.I wouldn’t be concerned about it.
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I agree. It is just about always easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
 
I can’t be sure, but my guess is that 90% of priests would have said something like:

“Welcome to the parish. Well done getting here today! Thanks for waiting around to ask me, but you didn’t need to. There’s no need for a dispensation. Now, please go home and enjoy the rest of the day.”
 
I’m not sure what the rules are for handing out dispensations. I’ve honestly never asked for one, and I’m sure there are rules. They don’t want priest just handing those puppies out willy-nilly. It may be that he was being honest that he couldn’t give you a dispensation. That being said, you certainly did your best and you can offer it up and go enjoy your dinner with friends. Your husband didn’t actually commit a sin. Wanting to commit a sin isn’t the same as actually doing it.
 
TryingHard17 said:
Putting EVERYTHING else above going to mass? I am 8 months pregnant with 2 small children. This afternoon, we have friends coming from out of town for dinner whom we haven’t seen in almost 2 years. We made a good faith effort to go to mass and were wrong about the time. I know for a fact that the priest at our old parish would have said something merciful, like “Jesus knows what is in your heart. You are dispensed.” I think this was legalism. Not only that, but I’m not sure I even did the right thing by staying. It caused a major thing between me and my husband, who told me to “just get in the car” as my two kids were already buckled int their car seats and ready to go, as we had already been at church for almost an hour. So since missing dinner with our friends was clearly not an option, we had to hang around for another 45 minutes until the next mass, which was a Spanish confirmation mass with the bishop and took quite a long time. The kids at this point were tired, hungry, thirsty and lying supine in the pew with my husband angry at me for forcing the issue, and I don’t blame him. I’m so sure this is what Jesus would have wanted. 🤷
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Im not sure these Christians would find your situation “extraordinary”. Not sure why you didn’t want to go to mass at the later time. :confused:

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grasscutter said:
I think that the priest gave the only answer he could under the circumstances. It’s unfortunate that this caused a rift between the OP and her husband.
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The most disappointing aspect of the strory is the immature behaviour of the husband.
 
Tryinghard there
is no doubt this thread has jumped the shark. I would recomnend you dont read it anymore You did fine, your husband is not immature and you are not insensitive to the plight of Chritian refugees.
 
It makes me really sad reading a thread like this.

Everyone does their best when it comes to making Mass times and sometimes we just can’t make things happen on a certain, particular day.

We make the effort, it doesn’t work out, we examine our conscience and go to confession and try again next week.
There is no need to to throw out Holier than Thou comments to a mom who is clearly making an effort.

I’m actually quite surprised the Priest wouldn’t give you a dispensation. Most Priests I’ve encountered, even the strict ones, would be understanding.

I wouldn’t have thought to ask…but God Bless you for doing this. Take it as a lesson learned for next week!
 
TryingHard,

You really are trying hard, and I am sorry that your husband was not supportive of you wanting to do the right thing. You asked for dispensation, and it was not granted because there was another mass. I can understand how you could not go against the priest. I would feel the same way.

I missed mass today, too. I felt awful all day. I am caregiver for my elderly mother. I did not realize the time. I prepared to get ready for church, and found it was later than I thought. There was plenty of time for me to make it to church, however, my mother was still sleeping. I could not leave her alone. I will leave for short times alone when she is already awake and her needs are met. She depends on me to make her breakfast. She has dementia, and would be very disoriented if nobody was here. There were no other times that I could attend mass in my vicinity. I wish we had an evening mass around here. I really hate when I miss mass.

It seems like you were feeling just as bad for missing mass and asked the priest for dispensation. You did not expect a refusal. I think that he felt he could not give you dispensation because there were two other masses available. However, I understand that you were not able to attend the evening mass. And, IMHO, it would have been okay not to ask. I would not blame the priest, though, as he felt he could not dispense you.

I hope you enjoy your evening with your friends.🙂
 
If the legalism in the priest smells a little fishy, the legalism in this thread reeks to high heaven. Yuck!

Submission to authority is a virtue. It is by no means unreasonable to submit to this pastor’s judgment. But it is *quite *unreasonable to lecture an online stranger because she felt ambushed by some pastoral advice. And it is COMPLETELY out of line to suggest that her thought processes resemble the thought processes of people who rationalize murder.

Sheesh!
 
  • You did; however, make it to Mass. - perhaps not the Mass you wanted; however, maybe the Mass you needed…
I understand your friends were on the way, etc… been there done that, wife pregnant with twins - and we went to the Spanish Mass because that was the next one we could make. In another case, while on vacation we almost ended up at a church where the Mass would have been in Korean (pastor noticed that we were not Korean ( 🤷 ) and kindly told us about a Mass just about 2 miles away in English that would start about 1/2 hour later) - so what if we had attended the Korean Mass - Still valid, we know the forms and the rubrics. Almost wish we had attended the Korean Mass - the Spanish Mass at our Parish is often quite beautiful - never will get accustomed to the kids running in aisles and up to the sanctuary steps; however, the Priest isn’t too worried about it until he starts the liturgy of the Eucharist and he’s waited a few minutes for parents to come fetch the kids.

Point being, the Priest you asked was most likely correct in not dispensing your family in that there was a Mass following as well as one closer to your home. 🤷

As for your husband, let the words of our Lord give you peace:
The Parable of the Two Sons

28But what think ye? A man had two children, and coming to the first he said, Child, go to-day, work in [my] vineyard. 29And he answering said, I will not; but afterwards repenting himself he went. 30And coming to the second he said likewise; and he answering said, I [go], sir, and went not. 31Which of the two did the will of the father? They say [to him], The first. Jesus says to them, Verily I say unto you that the tax-gatherers and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. 32For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not; but the tax-gatherers and the harlots believed him; but ye when ye saw [it] repented not yourselves afterwards to believe him.
He went, he did not want to, yet he went.
 
ineeda said:
TryingHard,
I missed mass today, too. I felt awful all day. I am caregiver for my elderly mother. I did not realize the time. I prepared to get ready for church, and found it was later than I thought. There was plenty of time for me to make it to church, however, my mother was still sleeping. I could not leave her alone. I will leave for short times alone when she is already awake and her needs are met. She depends on me to make her breakfast. She has dementia, and would be very disoriented if nobody was here. There were no other times that I could attend mass in my vicinity. I wish we had an evening mass around here. I really hate when I miss mass.
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Hardly the same as TryingHard17’s situation… note the red highlights:
Besides your act being a Corporal work of Mercy you were excused for serious and grave reasons so be at peace.

Vatican - English - Catechism of the Catholic Church - 2181
The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, **unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) **or dispensed by their **own **pastor.119 Those who deliberately fail in this obligation commit a grave sin.
Care of infants, surely is an example that would extend to the care of one’s elderly mother. I empathize with you about missing the Mass - wife was sick, the kids were sick… everyone but me puking… I stayed home, prayed the LOH and the Divine Mercy Chaplet. Funny thing that, everyone was OK the next morning. 🤷

(oh, and I highlight the " own pastor" for TryingHard17… it sounds as if you were not talking to your “own pastor” in which case, the Father you were talking to couldn’t have released you from the obligation under the norms of the CCC and that may be the root of the reason behind his refusal - not that he didn’t want to, but more likely that he did not have the authority to do so!)
 
TryingHard17 said:
Well, he said no. “Find a church near your house and go to mass”, he said. “I cannot give you a dispensation for this.”

Why didn’t he give us a dispensation???
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I think you will need to ask him why. You are frustrated and troubled by this, so follow up with him and ask him.

He did not say he “would not” give you a dispensation, he said he “cannot” give you a dispensation.

A pastor can dispense. An associate or other priest cannot. A pastor can only dispense his own parishioners.

Your comment regarding finding a church near your house implies you were not near your house.

If he was not the pastor, he could not dispense you. If he was not actually *your *pastor (which is defined in Church law) then he could not dispense you.

If he was the pastor, and if he was your pastor, then we are down to the requirement that the dispensation be for a “just cause” and “according to the prescripts of the diocesan bishop”. We do not know exactly what transpired in your conversation, or what guidelines your bishop has given to his priests, so the best course of action is to ask the priest for an explanation.

.
 
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