Priest's advice in the confessional - your opinion please

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phil8888

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I’ve been struggling with porn for some time now. On wednesday, I brought my computer to the store and had the internet card removed so I couldn’t access internet wirelessly. I went to confession later that day, then Mass. I had a question about my confession, and I wanted to get your esteemed opinion on this matter.

I told the priest of the struggle I’ve been having, and told him my plan to remove the internet from the computer. Then he said, no no, don’t do that. I was a bit surprised, well, kind of, and I emphasized that I’ve been struggling with it for a while. I said previously that it might be a bit hard but I have to do that. He kept downplaying it. He said sometimes you’ll get curious and you’ll want to look at those pictures. even when you’re 95, you’ll get those temptations. don’t get the internet removed. you need it for a lot of things in your life and it’s really important. then he said it wasn’t necessarily even sinful. I guess that could be true, at least in a subjective way. But then I mentioned also that I had received communion without going to confession first, and he said basically just to tell God I’m sorry in my heart and Jesus will invite me to receive him and to not worry about it.

I’m just wondering what you think about this. Please let me know your opinion of the priest’s advice. I would prefer if you did not personally attack the priest, but feel free to say anything you like about what he said. Thanks.

Btw, he’s 81 years old.
 
This is why everyone needs to have a spiritual director. Addiction to pornopgraphy and sex is very serious and you should not be getting advice from someone, even a Priest, who is not specifically educated in dealing with addictions. While eliminating internet access might seem like an extreme reaction to some people, for others it might be necessary. I recommend you find a spiritual director, preferably one who is a Priest, and start discussing these matters with them.
 
HE’S A LIBERAAAAAAAAAAL! Sorry, you said not to attack the priest. OK His advice was LIBERAAAAAAAAAAL!

Christ says, if your eye offends you, cut it out. Better to enter heaven without your eye then to be cast into hell whole. You have the right attitude. If your weakness is the Internet, cut it out. Better to go through life, struggling then be deep in sin comfortably. As for communion without confession, just mentioned this to the next priest you visit for confession.
 
He may only have meant that if you’re going to shop for groceries, go to the library…well, you get the picture. If you’re not going into a cloister, it will be very difficult to entirely remove all occasions of this sin.

I would suggest, though, that you have someone else install some parental screening programs on your computer. Although inconvenient (if it is a decent system) it will allow you access to most things on the internet that you will profit from, but will provide some barrier to compulsive porn searches. At 81, he may not know about that kind of thing.

As far as “don’t worry about it”, he was talking to an obviously contrite someone who had made a confession. Once you’ve done that, it is time to stop worrying about it. It is the Accuser who wants you to keep looking back and beating yourself up over absolved sins, and the Liar who wants to convince you that you have to bury yourself in a box to evade his entrapments. We should not presume on grace, but we are far better protected and far more accepted by God right where we are, in our poverty and sin, than the evil one would have us believe. There is a kind of pride involved in believing that, too, the “I should be better than other men” pride. There is more than one way to refuse grace. Humility requires one to realize that one’s sinful nature is not front-page news.

Now, if you put some reasonable protections in place and even THAT doesn’t work–and I do not mean removing the temptation, because that assault will be tried on you from time to time, and is no sin–and you tell your confessor this and he tells you that more extreme measures are out of place, then perhaps you need to find a different confessor. Some people have no more place surfing the internet alone than an alcoholic has cruising a bar, and that’s all there is to it. That’s not liberal or conservative; it is just realistic.
 
phil8888 said:
I’ve been struggling with porn for some time now. On wednesday, I brought my computer to the store and had the internet card removed so I couldn’t access internet wirelessly. I went to confession later that day, then Mass. I had a question about my confession, and I wanted to get your esteemed opinion on this matter.

I told the priest of the struggle I’ve been having, and told him my plan to remove the internet from the computer. Then he said, no no, don’t do that. I was a bit surprised, well, kind of, and I emphasized that I’ve been struggling with it for a while. I said previously that it might be a bit hard but I have to do that. He kept downplaying it. He said sometimes you’ll get curious and you’ll want to look at those pictures. even when you’re 95, you’ll get those temptations. don’t get the internet removed. you need it for a lot of things in your life and it’s really important. then he said it wasn’t necessarily even sinful. I guess that could be true, at least in a subjective way. But then I mentioned also that I had received communion without going to confession first, and he said basically just to tell God I’m sorry in my heart and Jesus will invite me to receive him and to not worry about it.

I’m just wondering what you think about this. Please let me know your opinion of the priest’s advice. I would prefer if you did not personally attack the priest, but feel free to say anything you like about what he said. Thanks.

Btw, he’s 81 years old.
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I applaud your efforts for getting rid of your internet access since you feel it is the cause of sin in your life. I believe Jesus said if your right hand causes you to sin, to cut it off (or something to that effect). I also applaud you for your efforts to make things right with God.

I believe your priest is in error. Porn objectively qualifies as grave matter, as does taking the Eucharist while not being properly disposed. If you willfully did thes things and knew that they were wrong, then you are guilty of mortal sin. Confession is the wise course of action in that case. 👍

The priest is correct in a small way, that if something because a habit or addicition you may be less culpable for the sin (i.e. instead of being guilty of a mortal sin it may only be venial). We may slip from time to time, that is to be expected. However, it does not make it ok to ocassionally look at porn or take communion sacreligiously.
 
EasterJoy said:
He may only have meant that if you’re going to shop for groceries, go to the library…well, you get the picture. If you’re not going into a cloister, it will be very difficult to entirely remove all occasions of this sin.

I would suggest, though, that you have someone else install some parental screening programs on your computer. Although inconvenient (if it is a decent system) it will allow you access to most things on the internet that you will profit from, but will provide some barrier to compulsive porn searches. At 81, he may not know about that kind of thing.

👍👍

As far as “don’t worry about it”, he was talking to an obviously contrite someone who had made a confession. Once you’ve done that, it is time to stop worrying about it. It is the Accuser who wants you to keep looking back and beating yourself up over absolved sins, and the Liar who wants to convince you that you have to bury yourself in a box to evade his entrapments. We should not presume on grace, but we are far better protected and far more accepted by God right where we are, in our poverty and sin, than the evil one would have us believe. **There is a kind of pride involved in believing that, too, the “I should be better than other men” pride. There is more than one way to refuse grace. Humility requires one to realize that one’s sinful nature is not front-page news.
**

Wow, that really hits home!

Now, if you put some reasonable protections in place and even THAT doesn’t work–and I do not mean removing the temptation, because that assault will be tried on you from time to time, and is no sin–and you tell your confessor this and he tells you that more extreme measures are out of place, then perhaps you need to find a different confessor. Some people have no more place surfing the internet alone than an alcoholic has cruising a bar, and that’s all there is to it. That’s not liberal or conservative; it is just realistic.
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:sad_yes:
 
I think what you did was wise. Addiction to porn is extremely difficult to overcome. You know yourself. You don’t want an occasion of sin to enable a habit which can become an addiction. Fight this sin with confession and prayer. Don’t get the internet back until you have not committed this sin for three months. Then try it with the parental controls installed because even when the picture pops onto the screen by accident it may be too much of a temptation.

Since your priest is 81, he may not really be aware of how accessible porn is on the internet. It is like having an ever growing stack of porn magazines under your mattress. If you were using porn magazines, he wouldn’t say it was ok to keep them handy.

Of course you will be tempted to sexual sin throughout your life. Now is the time to fortify your will to resist the temptations and desire to do God’s will when you are tempted.

The book The Courage to be Chaste by Fr. Benedict Groschel is a very helpful resource.
 
LOL, the priest is not a liberal.

You do need the internet…how else would have been able to post this question? hahahah. 😃
 
I was curious, too, how you posted the question.

Leave off the internet for at least six months. This will give you time to develop new and better habits.
 
I’m not a computer whiz but isn’t there some kind of blocker you could have installed in your computer to block inappropriate sites? I think the priest was trying to tell you that we all falter at times, and Jesus does love you…keep coming back to him…maybe keep a picture of Jesus taped on your computer? We all face temptation, you have to pray to Jesus everytime you feel tempted to sin.
 
JPUSC said:
LOL, the priest is not a liberal.

You do need the internet…how else would have been able to post this question? hahahah. :D/quote

Good point. But using the internet only in public places does help in resisting the temptation to go to the dangerous sites.
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I struggle with the same sin. Here is what I do:

Start each day with the Prayer to Saint Michael.
Only go on the internet where i will be observed (not necessarily monitored, but where other people are around)
If I feel the urge I find a good book to read (The Bible, writings of one of the saints, testamonies, apologetics materials, etc.) As a result my personal CAtholic library is growing.
Go on CAF and get in a good deobate that forces you to think about your faith, and not about the lust!
Pray the Rosary or Cahplet of Divine Mercy.

I hope this helps.
 
First, don’t get rid of your internet, but do surround your computer with what EWTN calls “holy reminders” – a crucifix, icons, statues, etc. Things that remind you of Jesus Christ. Make your computer’s wallpaper something religious.

I had the same problem you did until last July. I’ve been able to stay away from it since a particularly honest confession, through the grace of God.
phil8888 said:
then he said it wasn’t necessarily even sinful.
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That’s not good advice. Looking at pornography is objectively evil.
 
I am just replying to say that it does matter what you think. That you are male and cultivating an awareness of the power of your thoughts is terrific. Certainly what we nourish ourselves with WILL have a total influence over what occurs to us mentally. I’m not saying others don’t cultivate awareness of this; I am sure they do! NO thought is minor but some just slip away. Perhaps that’s what the priest meant, not to beat yourself for them. **I’m not Catholic yet but am certainly aware of the power of my thoughts. I don’t struggle with the same isues you do, but, when I let my mind wander into what other people are thinking and believing, for example… about life - call it the gestalt of living - and their version of the ultimate truth about it - this can completely discombobulate me. ** This really can cause me a tremendous amount of difficulty if I am not deliberate about cultivating something else interiorally. So, I think you are great to write in about such a topic and from what I’ve been reading, which admittedly is about an extreme example, it seems as though the priest’s responses could be seen as disconcerting if others had heard them. But I know where he is coming from I think. Similar responses about my own troubles, in my mental temptations to war mentally with other people about their beliefs, might be disconcerting too. But then again, perhaps comforting. It depends how extreme is the behavior you are trying to chip away That’s an analogy to the beautiful result, you, after you have had all the chips removed by life.

I have been reading about St. Pio, and he certainly would give you the go ahead to remove the internet. It seems to me.

with aloha…Nandarani/Nancy in Hawaii
 
Bad advice. Bad priest.

Not saying he might’nt be nice and friendly and right on other matters, but to be wrong on a fundamental matter like this is bad, very bad.

Getting the internet removed is normally a very good step. Until you can use something responsibly and it isn’t a near occasion of sin, you mustn’t use the thing. It’s true the internet can be a source for good advice, but again, one must be able to use it responsibly.

One can turn off images for all websites generally [and this by the way is what I believe everyone normally must do, prone to sins of this type and not], then enable them only for safe ones, install filters, services for this, etc. but even so it can be simply best to get rid of it. Too much time using a computer, pc, music, etc. encourages addictive behavior where one is emotionally enslaved to the stimulation and emotional guidance provided by these entertainments, and this prevents overcoming addictive behavior because no active healthy emotionally behavior replaces it.

One can always use a library computer for essential internet access, some publically accessible one in emergencies responsibly if it comes to that. Or not.

This is such a serious sin… whatever it takes must be done to put an end to it, as soon as possible.

This includes hating the sin, being disgusted by it, and the occasion of sin – whatever ‘good’ thing that may be, including the appearance of the opposite sex in natural, non-sexual ways. It is better to hate looking at women, than go to Hell because you like it too much. The saints avoid looking at the opposite sex unnecessarily because of such dangers.

It can take some time to heal one’s appetites from being used to being overindulged, time and work to completely change one’s lifestyle to one of temperance and balance, instead of addictive behavior.

One must replace that old behavior with spiritually virtuous behavior as the only kind. This can take time. But it must be done as swiftly as can be.

It is important. More important than the internet, more important than your house, more important than… What profit is there in sin if a man loses his soul even if he gains the whole world?

Never go to receive Communion while still polluted with carnal desire or sin, always go to Confession and refrain until the pollution is in the past, is cleaned and clear, and the firm hate and despite of this sin, the true complete repentance is within your soul.

Some threads with some useful (and some not useful) information on these matters:

http://forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=336977
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=330187
 
In reply to latest post which began (paraphrased): Advice seriously bad at least in this area.

That was basically what I initially felt, but was held back from stating it because am not Catholic. If accepted as the best approach it has the capacity to undermine much of what I appreciate in Catholicism ! It certainly is not the approach of the saints whose writings I have read; I don’t think they’d be relativists were they here today, but it’s hard for me to picture them here on earth today. It’s OUR challenge and good fortune to be here, now. … and I think they are rooting for us. ne
 
In regards to battling pornography here’s something that frequently works, if not always. Go to frequent confession, initially weekly, then every 2 or 3 weeks after a while. For the confession to be valid one has to amend one’s life and be sorry for the sins. You’ll be accumulating grace after each confession and be more be more able to battle porn. (One loses loses all sanctifying grace after a single mortal sin, but recovers all after another confession.)

After frequent confessions you might run out of mortal sins to tell, so confess some past sins or confess venial sins. And go for the grace. After a while you will have Christ’s peace, and it is free and beats anything a psychiatrist tells you.

Furthermore, confession is a outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace. So it is something visible and it gives grace and to some makes it easier to undergo.

Another means is the rosary, preferable daily. That is a powerful means too.

Hope this helps.

Tom
 
I have heard it said, too, that no one ever gets rid of a bad habit. The only thing you can do is to replace the bad habit with a good one.

The other thing is to look at your motivation to change. If you are trying not to be a bad person, you are doomed. Why? Not because you are bad, but because you’re not any different than anyone else. No one ever gets anywhere by trying to be better than other people. As I’ve pointed out, it does no good to replace Lust with Pride. The devil scores, either way.

If you can find a good habit, and if you resolve to choose it for a good motivation–that is, I want to replace my will, whether it is good or bad, for Your Will, which is all-good–and do that as soon as you find yourself turning to the bad habit, it will help. And do not give yourself a pass just because you find yourself in the middle of committing the bad habit. When the grace to turn from it shines on you, turn toward grace, and with gratitude! By all means, choose a good habit that has savor for you. You don’t have to start out as if you are far advanced in grace. Be willing to be a beginner.

That is the third thing. Whenever you turn from the evil, do not turn back beating yourself up for the evil. This is what the devil wants, to have you thinking about the evil thing. Instead, rejoice and give glory to God for his goodness to you! Be grateful that He always rescues you. Let guilt do its job–that is, to turn you from evil-- and then let go of it. Have nothing to do with shame. (Shame is just Pride, in embarrassment, or else some other flat lie, plain and simple. The truth will never make you shrink from God; shame always does.) Do penance and confess your sin as an act of thanksgiving, in the humble recognition that God’s work of overcoming all sin in you is going to take a LONG time. Every time you think, “this is such a slog, this is hopeless”, replace the thought with, “But God never gives up. He is SO GOOD to me!” For every advance you make, give all the credit to God, and do it with joy. The devil hates this.

If the evil one sees that every time he assaults you he only drives you deeper into gratitude and dependence on God, he may leave you alone a bit. Be careful: he will only be looking for an opportunity to take another tack, to find a sin that you will not respond to in a like way. But you may get a bit of relief from this one. If the devil does not give up, God may let him keep trying, as the battle will be playing you more into God’s hands. So whatever you do, then, don’t give up. God knows what he is doing, and won’t hang you out to dry. He’s the big dog in this fight, and he has no intention of losing you.
 
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