I didn’t think it necessary to start a new thread and gather any more attention than what I’ve gotten so far ( I’ll explain), but I am a lector, and last Saturday was my last day. I have given my notice yet, as I’ve still have to compose myself. I’ll keep it short, becuse it’s emabarassing enough for now. I bowed, went up to the ambo to read, look down to get the lectionary readings, and much to my suprise, no lectioinary. No nothing. I actually thought that it was my imagination, then I had to look again. There wouldn’t be any reason why the lectionary wouldn’t be there, would there? I was so prepared, as I pray, read, study, contemplate every day, starting the day after my previous readings. Well, I wasn’t ready for this, and I’m trying to lighten up here, but it’s so difficult becuse it was so embarrasing to me.
I was disappointed in myself, because, at least in my opinion, I had panicked, esp. with me having to look twice, not being convinced the frist time I didn’t see the scriptures. I don’t think that I was imagining things, but I know that I heard laughter, and that was the most difficult thing for me. Were it not for the fact that this wasn’t about me ( not that I didn’t feel this way), the Mass, of course, I would have thought about just walking off right then and there and not looking back. But it wasn’t about me, so I had to carry on. Anyway, I looked around, hoping that someone would get the idea ( lay ministers, servers, etc.) that I had nothing from which to read. I had to walk off the altar and toward the first pews where the lay ministers, servers, etc. sat, and wasn’t until then then someone offered to give me a missalette.
All I could think of to say before I read was “excuse me” and start reading. Although I was well-prepared, I was just so thrown off, and even reading from the missalette, I felt myself making mistakes when reading. People alter told me that I did well and obviously knew that there had to be no lectionary there.
I’ve already said too much, but because of that experience, I’ve lost the faith and the confidence to ever read as a lector again. Just the idea of me getting up and reading before a congregation just causes me to feel nervous, have alot of anxiety, and feeling of panic.