Priest's hugging after confession makes me uncomfortable...Am I being irrational?

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TexMex

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Hi all (I hope this is the right forum for this!)

This is something that has been bothering me a little bit, and while there may be nothing to it, I need your opinions, if for no other reason that my own peace of mind. Keep in mind, I’m a natural worrier, I have OCD, and I’m scrupulous.

Anyway, I was in a state of grave sin, and couldn’t stand to wait until confessions on Saturday, so earlier today I went to the local Church and asked for an emergency confession. The Priest that could be called my regular confessor was in (I don’t always go to him, as I really prefer to be behind the curtain. But, since he knows me and some of my problems, I’m able to unload easier and make a much better, complete confession).

So, I make my confession, he absolves me, says a prayer for me, and we get up to leave. Now, this is where I’m troubled. We shake hands and then we hug. That’s not so unusual when you have a regular confessor, I suspect. What bothers me is that he tends to hug a little bit longer than I’m comfortable with, and he tends to sort of rest his head against mine, which just weirds me out.

Now, it may just be a comforting, fatherly-affection sort of thing. Honestly, it’s happened more than once, and that’s how I’ve always looked at it. The obvious thing to do is to tell him that it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s weighing heavily on me. Is it possible there are sexual undertones here? Understand that I absolutely, positively HATE to have those suspicions of a Priest, any Priest, especially one that has been helpful and shown me concern in the past. But, it’s also good to be on-guard, right? And frankly, the current sexual abuse scandals have been really troubling me, which makes my mind jump to that conclusion right away, regrettably. Keep in mind, I’m a 24, almost 25 year old male, and he’s in his 80’s.

Actually, there’s one more thing that makes me apprehensive, even though in all likelihood it was an innocent accident: Once while in a face-to-face with him on a Saturday, I noticed he seemed to be sort of nodding off every few moments. I chalked it up to his age and simply stopped talking until he had snapped back awake. Anyway, we finish up, and we go to hug. I don’t recall him doing the head thing, but he did hug a bit longer, and for what couldn’t have been longer than a second or two, his hand dropped to my left side, on my leg, not really even on my butt, and certainly not a grope. It was only for that second, than it moved back up, but still the molestation scandals preyed heavily on my mind: Could someone that I trust and respect actually try to cop a feel? The very notion makes me sick.

This caused me quite a bit of distress after I had left and I kept thinking about it. But, on the way home, I began to pray for some kind of answer, and instantly, it popped into my head that he had probably nodded off again, and lost his grip, so to speak. The way this popped into my mind the instant I asked for an answer (I had completely forgotten about his nodding off, even in that short amount of time), I firmly believe it was God answering me. I discussed this with my brother, who tends to be much more level-headed than I am, and he agreed, it was most likely an accident. After some deliberation, I decided it was little more than that as well, which is why I’ve continued to see this Priest. This happened over a year ago, and nothing like that has EVER happened again. Heck, I helped him clean up his trailer, which is needless to say nowhere near the Church, and he did nothing even remotely suspicious. Nor has he ever acted or said anything sexually suggestive to me.

It’s really the hugging that bothers me now, it just seems so unusual to me. Is there a cause for concern there? Or is his resting his head just a simple way saying he cares & understands?

Am I being irrational? Is it likely that I’m overreacting to man that in all likelihood is trying to show me comfort, even while unintentionally making me uncomfortable? Is it as simple as that? The molestation scandals have troubled me so greatly and some of the comments I’ve seen have been so extremely hurtful, that I guess it’s easy to automatically think the worst.

Sorry this was so long, I was trying to accurately explain where I’m coming from. If I’m being absolutely ridiculous, please go easy one me ;)!
 
I’d just let it go and not worry about it, really. It seems to me that it is a leap to go from a hug to even thinking about sexual abuse. This might be where your anxiety takes over the rational part of your perceptions. If you’re really concerned talk to your confessor about it next time.
 
Meh i don’t know. I can’t stand being touched by another man, . Not by my brothers my father, my friends. I can’t even stand shaking hands. I give one of those limp handshakes, just because, to me holding another mans hand is like holding a rotten fish, Strangely my two sons i have no problems with.Well my eldest is twenty and we don’t touch. ie no hugs or pats on the back.And i am starting to feel uneasy when he does touch me. My youngest is 11, and he’ll give me a hug when he is going away for a night stay over or something. Maybe you’re just like me. Like i said i don’t like being touched. But it has nothing to do with sexual uneasiness If that’s the right word. Maybe you haven’t made that distinction yet. Or maybe you’re paranoid over all these sex abuse cases. Or maybe there is something sexual there . who knows. Ask him.
 
You own your personal space, and if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then it makes you feel uncomfortable. There are no right or wrong feelings.

That said, consider what it must be like to be a priest; you say he’s around 80 and my guess is that he has been a priest probably for 50 years. Can you see yourself going 50 years without any kind of physical (I’m not speaking sexual here, just basic affection) contact?

I once heard a priest describe himself as belonging to a “the community of the un-hugged”. It hit home, about how lonely the life of a parish priest must seem at times. It’s a huge sacrifice, to know you’ll never come home to a pair of loving arms happy to see you, never share your bed with a loving spouse, never have kids to hug and love unconditionally, and with the recent abuse scandals, have every minor gesture of affection scrutinized as a possible sign of unhealthy sexual desires.

I can’t imagine ever living that way.

Just a thought.
 
Perhaps you might b going a bit over the top, which i perfectly understand as ive never been the type of person who likes to be hugged by ppl i barely know. Id be concerned if he were a younger man, but being an 80 yr old man --and you in your middle 20´s-- i highly doubt he wud attempt to do anything to you rather than showing some fatherly affection.

However, if he still makes u uncomfortable you should go and see another confessor. God bless
 
If the priest has issues of loneliness and the need for hugs, it isn’t fair of him to impose it on anyone. It is always an ambiguous thing for the recipient, especially unsought, and you have the right to gently but firmly refuse a hug. It is not part of the Sacrament; and it causes you unease of mind. It is unfortunate that the priest may feel starved of touch-contact, but it is part of his life-choice that he is in this position. It is not your responsibility to fill the gap in his personal life, but his to minister to you in a respectful manner. You are uncomfortable. Listen to yourself and act accordingly. You shouldn’t have to be worried about anything like this.
 
You’re an adult who doesn’t have to passively accept a hug from anyone, male or female. Just tell him. I’m sure he’ll understand.
 
Some people are huggers…some people aren’t

I’m sure if you tell him that you are not in the hugger group…he will understand.

That is one thing I have to get used to in my parish…lots of people are huggers…and I’m not all that used to it…
 
I think woman have a good built in radar for males…We go to a very huggy small country bible
church…My wife sorta knows a couple guys who enjoy the hugs and hugs them very carefully…I haven’t been in church for the last few months because of my health but when I hug a female I sorta lean fwd so we just touch shoulders and we pat each others back…There are some older motherly types that pull me close and say give me a real hug…ut if your uncomfortable extending your hand when others put their arms up usually is a good indicator that you would rather have your space…We spends few minutes greeting/welcoming each other so I wait for the others response and act accordingly…We have a very loving church
that one of the frequent responses of visitors…My the Lord bless and guide you…K
 
Thanks everyone, you’ve all been very helpful. It’s not the hug itself that bothers me so much (although an earlier post hit it: I really don’t like my personal space invaded, especially by people I know but not THAT well). It’s the sort of resting his head on mine that bothers me. It’s pretty unsettling to me. Furthermore, after the hug, we start to part, but he still has his arms around me; I’m not trying to be crude, but honestly the first thing that popped into my mind was that he’s trying to kiss me. Now obviously THAT hasn’t happened, but that’s just the sort of feeling it gave me. Like I said, I’m sensitive to this sort of thing, so I probably read wayyy more into things than is normal.

I’m sure it’s all nothing more than a case of being overly affectionate in a fatherly way, and being in his 80’s, I’m sure some of his mannerisms are more old-fashioned rather than having some malicious intent. Maybe he’s just glad someone, especially someone my age, trusts him enough to confide in him. Nevertheless, next time I talk to him I’ll politely tell him I just not a hugger.
 
Is this perhaps a cultural thing also? Does he come from a culture where hugging and kissing are the norm? In my family of origin EVERYONE hugged and kissed, and it was not unusual to do that with friends too. I wouldn’t read anything sexual into it. Most priests today are very well aware of boundaries violations, but maybe at his age he sees himself as a father figure and was just trying to comfort you and is not really thinking anyone would see this in a sexual manner.

When I was young and going to Catholic school Father would come on to the playground at recess time and we children would run to him, hoping for a hug or a pat on the head. He would have a troop of youngsters following him around. Sadly that is not too likely to happen these days, and it’s understandable why, but we enjoyed being close to our Pastor as children.
 
Hey CB, we have a very loving/huggy family and church…Satan has perverted touch today and it is need now more than ever…
 
TexMex said:
Thanks everyone, you’ve all been very helpful. It’s not the hug itself that bothers me so much (although an earlier post hit it: I really don’t like my personal space invaded, especially by people I know but not THAT well). It’s the sort of resting his head on mine that bothers me. It’s pretty unsettling to me. Furthermore, after the hug, we start to part, but he still has his arms around me; I’m not trying to be crude, but honestly the first thing that popped into my mind was that he’s trying to kiss me. Now obviously THAT hasn’t happened, but that’s just the sort of feeling it gave me. Like I said, I’m sensitive to this sort of thing, so I probably read wayyy more into things than is normal.

I’m sure it’s l nothing more than a case of being overly affectionate in a fatherly way, and being in his 80’s, I’m sure some of his mannerisms are more old-fashioned rather than having some malicious intent. Maybe he’s just glad someone, especially someone my age, trusts him enough to confide in him. Nevertheless, next time I talk to him I’ll politely tell him I just not a hugger.
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**You’ve said enough. We get it. **
 
I would try not to worry about it. I seriously doubt that he means anything sinful by it. 🙂 It’s probably just meant to comfort you after you have confessed your sins. 🙂
 
Sounds like you might be reading to much into it. My wife’s family hugs a lot. I don’t like it but I just deal with it for the sake of keeping everyone comfortable. If it really bothers you just tell him you are not a hugger and I’m sure he’ll stop.
CB_Catholic said:
When I was young and going to Catholic school Father would come on to the playground at recess time and we children would run to him, hoping for a hug or a pat on the head. He would have a troop of youngsters following him around. Sadly that is not too likely to happen these days, and it’s understandable why, but we enjoyed being close to our Pastor as children.
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My Children go to a Catholic School and every time we see Father (he comes to the school kids Christmas plays or after church or whatever) the kids run up to him and give him a hug. He usually just pats their heads or puts a hand on their shoulder or whatever (its sometimes hard to hug a kid that’s excited, lol).

I would never suggest my kids not hug him just because a VERY SMALL percentage of priests have abused their position. I would not let my kids go spend the night at a Priest’s house but that applies to any adult. I am very happy that my children love their Priest, he and I share the very important job of leading my children to Heaven.

If we let the over-hyped scandal concerning Priests corrupt the positive relationship a Priest should have with the children of his Parish that might be the most tragic thing to come from the few real cases of abuse. Everyone should use caution and prudence when choosing what your child can do and where they should go with ANY adult, Priests included, but don’t let the constant media attention make this worse than it already is! Statistically your child would be safer alone in a room with a Catholic Priest than just about any other person in the world!!
 
Don’t go to Confession to him anymore. There is no reason for him to hug you…like that. Has anyone else complained about him?
 
Battle_Warrior said:
Don’t go to Confession to him anymore. There is no reason for him to hug you…like that. Has anyone else complained about him?
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I don’t think you should just cut a relationship off without expressing your feelings unless he clearly out of line as sexual offender…All this perversion has damaged touch…My wife works in a rest home and some of the people just need/like a hug…They is only one man in the whole place that gets sexual in his hugs so they know how to deal with him…
 
Tex, I have been lurking briefly on this thread since yesterday, and the very thread title somewhat troubles me, but not from any aspect of covert sexuality kind of thing. That is not the particular angle I wish to focus on.

Confession (formerly, Penance) is a Sacrament. It is a moment for God to entire our lives, directly. The priest is the indirect (but essential!) administrator. It is not a “personal” moment between priest and penitent – even when that moment is face to face. I think that is the main reason why I almost always prefer the confessional box – because there is no opportunity to focus on personal, visual, tactile interaction. I experience myself as alone, in the dark, with God, who is speaking through the priest. It is God, not the priest, who alone ‘sees in the dark.’ Our sins are always as visible as the sun, to Him. He does not need a priest’s face to “view” our sins.

I have had one excellent, grace-enriching face-to-face Confession, but the priest in that case is an extraordinary priest and just incarnated the whole moment with Jesus. Even then, this confessor did not hug me. I.m.h.o. this breaches the form of the sacrament. It is a formal event. The focus should be strictly restoring the pentitent – not to relationship with the confessor – but to relationship with the Creator and Redeemer. Again, a skilled priest who is as focused on the sin (not the sinner) as the pentitent is, can make a face-to-face moment a powerfully redeeming moment, but not every confessor can do that, nor is every pentitent ready at any particular time to do that.

Again, i.m.o., the gratuitous hug gesture reduces the signficance of the sacrament and distracts from it. Evidence of this is that you’ve had to post about it now, are still thinking about it, etc.

In the case I cited above, the priest laid his hands on my head. Other priests in face-to-face make a cross on the pentitent’s forehead, and sometimes rest a hand firmly on the shoulder while pronouncing the absolution. Those are all appropriate (if chosen), i.m.o.
 
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